A
male
age
30-35,
*oxins
writes:Quick details:16 years old, 17 in August, England, Currently in college studying IT in hopes of going into industry. I have a case of homosexual unrequited love. He's straight, i'm gay, iv'e felt like this for about 8 months now, except then it was a sort of schoolboy crush, it slowly escalated and is now completely unrealistic in terms of being able to handle the feelings and waves of depression. He knows, and completely disregards the fact that i'm attracted to him, and now after a 2 week break from college, has started to blank me in college and indirectly speak to me instead of talking to me properly, like mates are supposed to. We were at a party a few weeks ago, and i saw him flirting with some girl and it was just the most painful thing ever.The first time I saw him flirting with someone, I went straight home, and cried myself to sleep. The image of him with her still burns. Imagine if you, your most beloved boyfriend/girlfriend cheats in front of you and there was absolutely nothing you could do but think that's the way things have to be. Imagine your spine freezing up, your stomach back flipping, stomach acid bubbling up your throat, limbs freezing up, and your mind continuously replaying the image in tremendous waves of pain. I need a way out of these feelings, because i'm sick of them now. Hopefully a member of this community can help me by giving rational solutions, nothing like "get over him" Because it's just not that easy.Sorry for the over-whelming wall of text,
View related questions:
crush, flirt, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Toxins +, writes (23 June 2010):
Toxins is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hugo, yeah, I told him halfway through the first year of college (I finished college completely last week) so yeah, we've been good mates throughout the second year we got talking again and he was fine with it, it's just like nothing ever happened but finishing college was devastating, but i'm warming to the idea of it now, it's a new start and a good way to get over him. Also; add me on Facebook or msn man, I get the same thing when I try to PM you.
Dale Bebbington (Facebook)
[email address blocked] (MSN)
A
male
reader, hugo95 +, writes (23 June 2010):
Toxins, it wouldn't let me PM you because it said 'user may not exist' or 'may have blocked you' or something like that.
But yeh I know what it feels like, and it feels like shit. Can I ask you how he knows you like him? Did you tell him?
...............................
A
male
reader, Toxins +, writes (23 June 2010):
Toxins is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHugo95, can you PM me please, it's been 12 months since I logged into this site, and I'd like to talk to you about your problem, now that I have better experience of this. :)
...............................
A
male
reader, hugo95 +, writes (22 June 2010):
Hey mate,
I'm in exactly the same situation. I'm 15 and love this boy who's straight so much. The one thing which manages to get me through the day is the tiny 0.01% chance that he might be gay. I understand how ridicolous this is, because even if he was gay (very unlikely) its not just like he'd fall into my arms.
This situation feels shit, i had a GCSE last week and spend the last half of the exam just staring at him...
Don't try and not think about him, doesn't work, you will always end up thinking about him. Just accept you are going to constantly think about him for the next few months, but know that it will eventually go away. Everything ends. Good and bad things. That's how I cope with it anyway
...............................
A
male
reader, hugo95 +, writes (22 June 2010):
Hey mate,
I'm in exactly the same situation. I'm 15 and love this boy who's straight so much. The one thing which manages to get me through the day is the tiny 0.01% chance that he might be gay. I understand how ridicolous this is, because even if he was gay (very unlikely) its not just like he'd fall into my arms.
This situation feels shit, i had a GCSE last week and spend the last half of the exam just staring at him...
Don't try and not think about him, doesn't work, you will always end up thinking about him. Just accept you are going to constantly think about him for the next few months, but know that it will eventually go away. Everything ends. Good and bad things. That's how I cope with it anyway
...............................
A
male
reader, jules44  +, writes (20 August 2009):
i understand what you said very well. Because i'm in the same situation. i'm crazy about a man where i work. He has everything i could dream about. but he loves women and not man. i said him that i love him. he said me too that he make love only with girls. And many girls are with him because he's so cute and kind. and even when i wanted to touch him he doesn't say much, though he dislike this.
I think that the only issue is to meet someone else. it's difficult, because when we meet someone else, we think to the boy we love. like you i sometime go to bed crying, because it's so unfaire that a girl can go with a so much incredible boy. But that's the life. go out and meet people, talk to your friends, only times and patience might stop negatives thougts about all this.
we will always love the person anyway, so the best thing to do is to meet other people, and a miracle will arrive.
good luck, you will get over it one day, no doubt about that.
And you are so young, you have the time to meet so many people, you will fall in love again but with a gay man you can be sure.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009): Hi,I understand u totally.U cannot get him if he is straight.I know the pain of it.But whom to blame,what to do.After all it is your life,try to enjoy as much as possible.You will find a good one soon,to share all your happiness and sadness.I know it is very very difficult,the memories will be there for ever.but try to move on.Show how strong you are.All the best!
...............................
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (30 April 2009):
 everyone here who said they been there has for sure maybe more than once. as a gay you will have this a lot in life (more often than straits) and if you want to be happy and sucessfull you will need to develop very potent coping strategies that leave you with an elevated sense of self worth.
getting over someone involves mind over (rising erect) matter.
you need to view him as a goal you never wanted anyway and see the fact you are attracted to him as some sort of form of self torture. once you understand you need to make yourself unhappy through totally unobtainable goals (for whatever reason i dont understand as i am not you) you may start to look out for the likelihood OF a goal can be got and aim for what you have a natural talent for.
i never do anything i'm not good at (I.E. the best) or anyone who doesn't come back on to me when i chat them up. be receptive to real attempts by others to entice you as fretting about the spilt milk will make you ignorant to those who do fancy your pants off.
i can see why he is avoiding contact-you havent been able to tell us one thing he did to lead you on which suggests he didn't (i cant know this for sure only guess as you ain't been clear about his behaviour as you have only spoke of your own). now if i dont lead someone on and they get more and more obsessed it weirds me out as people WILL think i led them on(it makes sense in that people always see fire where smoke wafts). you need to back off, be aloof and dont place all your faith in a new man.
did your dad leave the home a an age when it was bad for you?(when is a parents absence ever a good thing?) i only ask as a huge amount of gays i know lack a father fgure-me for one as i speak from experience of empty male hole in my life. This male role model thing has been studied scientifically as has having lots of older brothers...
yo yo good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, NightLad  +, writes (29 April 2009):
 Hi there,
I am sincerely sorry to hear about your situation. I wholly sympathise. As you’ve made it clear that you do not want platitudes I’ll respect that and stick to the facts. The truth is that if your love for him is real and true, than you will not ’get over’ him. Love like that lasts and lingers, long after the last embers of possibility have been extinguished. If he is your first real love than you can be sure that this is especially true. There will be other chances for love in the future, but none will be quite like this. Every time you fall in love it is different.
The memory of what you feel for your friend will always be with you; for now it will hurt and make your very soul bleed; in time it will become a dull ache in a hollow of your heart; and finally, years from now, you will look back on it all with a sense of bitter-sweetness. You will feel humbled to know that your heart is capable of the fullness of love and the power of the emotion, and you will feel regret for a love that never could be. But you will survive, and you will love another someday -- a lucky guy who can fully love you back.
And therein lies the crux; love. What I often find myself reminding people who take a superficial view of sexual orientation is that it isn’t about sex, but rather who you have the ability to fall in love with. Whatever else comes of those feelings of attraction and desire – emotional or physical – it is the capacity to fall in love which I feel is the purest defining aspect of human sexuality.
Your friend simply cannot feel for you what you do for him.
Know that yours is not an isolated incident. In best-case scenarios the straight guy cares enough for his gay friend that he tries to lessen the impact of the unrequited feelings. Sadly, yours does not sound like a best-case scenario. From what you have described it sounds as if your ‘friend’ is dealing with the situation by emotionally distancing himself from you, perhaps even callously. Those are not the actions of a friend and are no doubt adding even more stress to your situation.
I suggest you try to take a proactive approach that may help insulate you from his ambivalence. When next you see him flirting with someone, remind yourself that – as much as it may hurt – you and he were not in a relationship. Your have every right to feel the pain of unrequited love, but if you continue to compare the impact of his actions to if you and he were in a committed relationship you will only compound the pain. What I’m saying is, try to change your mindset toward the situation as a way of coping.
I’m afraid that as for passing the pain, well, as I earlier described, that can only come with time. But it will come.
I wish you all the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, niki20  +, writes (29 April 2009):
 its ok it wasnt long. hun you have to remember that hes straight and is into girls. there is someone out there for you.....dont get attaches to him b/c hes straight. try breathinb slowly, it seems when you see him w/ a guy you have a panic attack. try going to the bathroom and think of something like one of his flaws. you can talk yourself into not having feelings for him, but they will come back. goodluck sorry ive never answeres a question like this.........i tried.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): There are 6.7 billion people on Earth, half of them men. And here you are, letting one man make your life worse. I know you are better than that. You CAN move on. It seems he doesn't want to speak to you because he doesn't share your feelings. That is totally normal. I've been through it and have done it myself but we all understood what the other thought. Maybe one day you will find another man as good or better a quality who does feel the same way about you. Don't expect anything to be easy. But be happy that he is pursuing his own needs and happy about himself. Love is natural and life goes on. This is what makes it so special. It doesn't just happen on its own. How else would it be so special if it did?
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (29 April 2009):
 I agree that getting over someone is not easy. But it can be done, provided that you really do not wish to suffer in vain.
I assume the advice for your situation is the same I would give to unrequited heterosexual love. This hurts a lot, but, if you accept that you can't change the way things are, you start to move on. That's what I can recommend, honestly.
I guess it's safe to say that we all have been in a situation of unrequited love, and we're still alive. So, the same can happen to you. You will get through this, believe it or not.
...............................
|
