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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I just started to date this beautiful girl. She is everything I had ever wanted and acts just like a lady. However a couple of things are concerning me,1. Is that her ex bfs things are still in her place, yet she says they broke up 3 months ago. She is in the process of getting him to remove them.2. She had admitted to me that she had slapped him a few times in arguments. 3. Shes insecure, she thinks that she isn't pretty enough for me. 4. I have heard her say that men cant be trusted. What should I do?Should I move in with her?If she hit her bf before, is she going to hit me?Thanks
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broke up, her ex, insecure Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 January 2012):
 And ?... Did she use to slap him to make him cough up some cash ?..
Sorry, I don't understand how her ex's money handling fits into your present concerns.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFrom what she tells me, he never contributed financially. Her family said the same.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2012): I think you should move in with her so she can slap some sense into you.
How do you list all the 'concerns' and still think this is going to be a healthy, worthwhile relationship?
Is he that attractive? That sexually pleasing?
How did you meet this woman? How long have you dated? How do you think moving in when the last guy isn't even moved out as a good idea?
My Canuckle Dude, if she can't pay her bills- then run. Its not based on love. Can't be.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 January 2012):
So, if on top of all the other stuff, you also fear she'd be using you for your money... with all these doubts , why would you even consider moving in ? what's your hurry ?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 January 2012):
 Oh dear... it's the paycheck...
if his stuff furnished the place that means she will need furniture.
saying something (I need counseling) and doing something (getting a counselor) are different things... listen to her actions not her words..
and hitting on more than one occasion (a fight) is NOT acceptable... like I said. I hit my boyfriend once during a fight. he forgave me. if i ever hit him again he will and SHOULD leave... hitting is NOT acceptable....
the more you tell me the less and less I am willing to say give it a shot...
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, yes she has mentioned about me moving in. I'm not sure if its because I earn a hefty paycheque or because its a great love we have between us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, she said she hit him a FEW times. Not just once, but a few. Looks like as if she almost expects to do that. Also, why is her exs stuff in her place? It's not just a few shirts, that we are talking about, but her entire place is furnished with his stuff. She comes across as very needy at times. So that is also a concern for me.I think she needs counseling, and told her so. She agreed and has said she will go for some. However in 3 weeks, she has made no effort to follow up and get some, nor will she continue with conversations about getting it. Other than that she is great.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012): Moving in when the Ex isn't officially moved out- not a good idea.Options about His Stuff:- she gives him the 14 days to pick up items as Fellow Aunt suggested. You be present and Police be present at the pick up. She should be busy in another room. Prevents drama/fights. Police are on hand to account all his items were returned so no backlash of damage, missing items. They'll ask him to check over his stuff.- you rent out a storage unit and store his stuff in it. you give him the keys, the documents, have him sign a form he took possesion, in front of a witness that also signs the document (not ex GF) and ensure that Sentinel or whatever storage site have his name, his phone number and that at the end of 30 days, you paid for, he will be responsible for paying for storage or they confiscate/seize his belongings.If she resists both options, then she is not over him and its about control/drama and really, not a very good idea to date a woman that is in this mind state.PHYSICAL VIOLENCE:Definitely a good idea to say you will not tolerate such outbursts. Come up with a plan on how you will fight, problem solve effectively. 1 hour to cool down when voices and tempers rise.http://www.ivillage.com/5-ways-solve-any-relationship-problem-0/4-a-283708#Also suggest you both go to anger management classes. There you will learn about how to fight, problem solve. ;) Always good to learn new skills.Address her statement that men cant be trusted. If that is the case why would she date men or want a relationship with them, more importantly, You. Ask her if that was a fair statement to say. Also, ask her then, why she would want to date you if she already doesn't trust you because you are a Man and its not even based on fairness let alone what was it that attracted you to her?Dont move in with her. Give the relationship time to assess friendship, compatibility, and maybe take some couples counselling when you both feel you want to get serious.Her self esteem and possible anger issues need to be addressed.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 January 2012):
You just started to date a woman who is 3 months out of a long term relationship. Let’s address your concerns one at a time:
If her BF broke up with her 3 months ago and she still has his stuff she needs to let him know he has X number of days to come get it or it’s going in the trash… I say 14 days is plenty . iF she refuses to do so you need to figure out what it is that she’s actually holding on to… him or his stuff….
If she slapped him a few times, I might be concerned. Has she ever hit anyone else ever? I hit my bf ONCE in a fight back in May He thankfully forgave me after finding out from all my friends and family that I had never raised my hand to anyone EVER before and folks were shocked… I have promised NEVER to hit him again and I abide by that…. I know if I hit him again there is no turning back…. I’m not proud of losing my temper with him but I am very grateful that he can forgive me and sees his part in the issue….
If she’s insecure there is NOTHING you can say or do that will change what goes on in HER head. That requires therapy.
If she says MEN can’t be trusted then she may never trust you but if you want to try to make her see you are different and you are up to the challenge and the other things are not an issue then go for it.
SHOULD YOU MOVE IN WITH HER? NOT yet. Why would you want to move in with someone you have so many concerns about?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 January 2012):
 Maybe/probably.... It's astounding, how many WOMEN hit MEN.... and it's no less despicable than a man hitting a woman.......Are you up to being her punching bag????Good luck.....
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (5 January 2012):
 Whats the hurry? It's not as if you are some hormone charged teenager. She is still in the past relationship. Ay least wait until his stuff is gone. 9 more months would be preferable.
FA
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (5 January 2012):
I'm not sure she's a great bet. She sounds like she has too many issues to be honest.
Perhaps give her more time and see what happens, but if you think that she might slap you or something, or she shows that she's untrustworthy, then the best thing to do is move on.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 January 2012):
I'd wait until you know her better and see how things pan out and if you really get along well regardless of the points that now make you hesitant. Living together is stressing per se some times, and inevitably magnifies friction points,.. and it may end up in a big mess if there is not a strong general compatibility.
Would she slap you ? Maybe. Probably, in fact. If she is under the impression that this is a normal, acceptable way to handle conflicts...
Be clear about that in advance. Sit her down and tell her that of course you hope you'll never have to argue , but conflicts and arguments can't be totally avoided in life, you might find yourselves locking horns. If that happens, she'd better know that to you physical aggression is unacceptable and unforgivable, - no exceptions, you'd be out of the door in no time. So if she has anger management issues, it's better she works on that before you go live together.
Not very romantic, but , sort of mandatory in your case.
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male
reader, tobson +, writes (5 January 2012):
My opinion to some of your questions:
1. that is weird and a small red flag, she could at least have put them in a box.
2. she probably will, if it happens you should def. consider this relationship - violence is just not acceptable.
3. Try to boost her self-confidence, I have seen low self esteem in many beautiful women.
4. She might still be in a bad shape from her breakup. Remember it is only 3 months ago.
I would not move in with her. She broke up with her ex 3 months ago, so you two are dating less than 3 months. Moving in will only bring more stress to the relationship in my opinion. Also maybe you should wait how she will handle the arguments you guys will have at some point. Did you bring up moving in together? How did she react?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012): Before you move in with her you should check your compatability by spending alot of time together, say sleeping over at her place half a week then her spending half a week at yours or more, with not a single day being away from each other. That way you will trial your full-time compatability as a couple.
Abouit her hitting you.. If she isn't overly agressive and just hit her ex in an argument, you shouldn't be too worried. But regardless defending yourself shouldn't be too hard in case she is the violent type, in which case you should proceed to find the closest exit and find a better woman.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012): "G/f says she hit her ex. Will she hit me?" Only if you give her the opportunity; impossible if you're far, far, far away and out of her reach, where you should already be.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012): Big red flag. Yes she will hit you. Clearly she sees it's acceptable to hit her partner and/or she doesn't want to control herself. there's no reason it will be any different with you.
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