A
male
age
41-50,
*ornishliam
writes:I really need help. my girlfriend of 4 years dumped me about a week back. this girl meant everything to me, I thought she was my soulmate. I've travelled around the country for this girl because of her job, disregarding my ambitions for hers. when we first met she weighed about 14 stone, which I really didn't care about. about a year ago she decided to lose weight and is now around 10 stone.great, right? the thing is now she's lost the weight, she's become a different person and she dumped me because she doesn't see me as her equal. she says theres no chance of getting back together. i feel so betrayed. I really love this girl. I've asked to meet her tomorrow, which shes agreed to do but i don't know whether it's a good idea. this is breaking my heart. please help!
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 February 2012):
 This often happens after dramatic weight loss... She fitted her personality to her body size, and became this person. Her weight limited her in what she thought she could do, and therefore she built a life around that.
After losing weight she has become a complete different person again, somebody who she doesn't know, somebody she doesn't understand, but someone who seems exciting and new. Her clothes change, her interests change, everything about her is changing, and she doesn't know where it will take her but she'd sure like to find out where.
When you meet her, don't beg or plead, but be understanding about what the changes have created in her. I won't say anything else, because I'd hate to give you any hope. It's unlikely she will continue a romantic relationship with you, and continued friendship would hurt you both. At the moment it's enough to say she's a different person, she's changed, and this change has left her hungry for experience and confused about what that experience will be like, all at the same time.
Sorry...
She's like a blind person able to see for the first time, or (I hate to say it) a divorced person single after a very long time. Opportunities and experiences she's never had, or never thought she could have are now open to her, and like a baby learning to walk she wants to experience it all.
Unfortunately you represent the past, things she's done already. She can't take you where she is going, she doesn't know where that is, but she can't take you because it wouldn't be new, it would feel like more of the same.
She's not a bad woman, and it's not really because anything is wrong with you. If she met you today in this new body, then she'd probably fall in love and be happy.
Sorry, the woman you loved is gone, and even if she puts the weight back on that woman won't come back. This is not because she's a woman or because she is wicked, it's because when we change dramatically, it changes our outlook on life, it changes our personality.
Please get on with your life and don't be too upset with her. People who survive cancer or car wrecks, or know young people who die suddenly can also experience the same things.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2012): I don't think she's being shallow, it's just unfortunate but things have changed, that's all. It's painful for you, but that doesn't mean it's a morally charged matter. she made a very positive change in her life, and you didn't make the same change. As a result, her feelings changed because she IS a different person now. that doesn't make her shallow or mean, it's just what happened.similar things happen when one partner has a religious epiphany and becomes very religious and the other doesn't. Or when one partner has a traumatic experience. They grow apart because they're not on the same plane anymore because one person changed. some times to stay together when the relationship is just not working anymore because one person is now very different, is pointless. You shouldn't want to hold back someone from changing and doing what they need to do. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but she just became a different person and trust me you do NOT want to keep her around if her feelings and attitudes have changed, it will be more detrimental to your happiness than breaking up.
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A
female
reader, meccamega  +, writes (29 January 2012):
Wow no wonder you feel betrayed, who wouldn't? What a complete bitch. I'd never talk to this woman again, no matter what. If she finds dating not easy ( it isn't) and gets hurt and tries to get back (possible). Please DON'T fall for The BS.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): Your real soulmate wouldn't hurt you like that. Keep looking.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): I'm no mind reader...but I just get the feeling she will be coming back to you after she realizes how short-sighted and selfish she's being. Question to you is would you still want her after the fact? Don't beg or get desperate. Just let her go. You can do better too, don't let her convince you otherwise.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): in defence of the girl, maybe she has changed since losing weight, but maybe it has been a positive one. it is an emotional thing to go through for many people, involving many drastic changes in lifestyle, attitudes, and fitness. Likely during this process, she has come to realise more about herself, and what she wants out of life, and that you as her current bf were just not fitting in. Its not just shallowness, its probably a combination of factors. break ups are always sad and dissapointing, but they can't work if one person doesn't want to be apart of it anymore.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 January 2012):
 She sounds like she lost whatever "decent" personality trait she had along with the extra pounds.
I'm sorry she turned out to be a rather shallow & unpleasant person underneath.
Time for you to put the focus on YOU and YOUR needs/wants.
If she has any sense she will come to realize that dumping you was the absolute dumbest thing she ever did.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): "the thing is now she's lost the weight, she's become a different person and she dumped me because she doesn't see me as her equal."
She's not a different person, she's the same person in a different body she can now sell at a higher price you can't afford to pay, so your services as lap dog/errand boy/travelling companion/warm body/personal slave are no longer required since she can now do much better than you.
Every dumped doormat post includes at least one of the hallmark catch phrase of dysfunctional couples: "soulmate," perfect," "treated me like (female roylaty)" red flag for emotional immaturity, unrealistic expectations, controlling partners, clingy needy doormats, and above all else ego and vanity rule over good judgement, common sense and sound morals.
One's "soulmate" is almost always a callous jerk wise enough to know flattery and buttering up all (s)he needs to keep doormat around to do the heavy lifting until something better comes along, which it just has for her; you're too dumb and self-absorbed to be ashamed and humiliated and degraded by her actions, to vain and superficial too comprehend her words: "she dumped me because she doesn't see me as her equal. she says theres no chance of getting back together."
What part of "get lost" do you not understand? She lost weight to lose you so she could better herself by moving up in class and leaving you behind, there is no chance of getting back together, at least not until she regains the weight. If she wanted you she'd still be your weight, she didn't, she made the changes needed to get ahead without you, she doesn't need you around to do her bidding, she told you as much, too dumb and vain even to feel shamed and humiliated, yet you want her back so she'll flatter your vanity and boost your ego, not getting she doesn't need you to do grunt work anymore, she's now flattering and ego-stroking a younger/richer/handsomer guy to do our old job, THAT'S WHY SHE LOST THE WEIGHT SO NOW YOU HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER HER.
"I really love this girl. I've asked to meet her tomorrow, which shes agreed to do but i don't know whether it's a good idea."
It's not, she's just taking advantage of one last opportunity to take advantage of you at your request, never pass up a chance to take even more from you, you're delusional but ego always comes first, and chicks like her know how to bypass mind and soul for baser instincts and you fall for it every bleeping time.
Hard to feel sorry for you when your own lack of insight and common sense is what's keeping you such a sap. I'm sure she never thought dumping you would be so much hard work, you really believe you have a snowball's chance in hell to get her back, like any opportunist she'll take any offer, like any sucker you'll keep offering until finally she'll have drained you dry, and you still won't give up.
You're like clingy chick, how can she dump you when you won't go away, how many ways can she say "get lost, I can get better for cheaper, that's why I lost the weight" before you get it. She played you like a fiddle to get what she needed at your stopover but she's on to a pricier market segment.
I'm sorry but for once think with your brain, not with your dick and your ego. The new guy she traded up for is what she can afford now, and his replacement will be what she can afford in the future, etc.
Try to salvage one ounce of self-respect and just leave. I give her credit, she can't be any more blunt about her intentions, very difficult to use and discard a chump too clueless to even know he's been used and discarded, don't force her to delve into personal insults and cruelty just to finally scrape you off her shoe, just go away, please.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): It totally sucks right, because you were there for her the entire time!! But she sound like a total bitch ( I mean she's dumping you because she doesn't think you're as hot as her...) so obviously the relationship wasn't as important to her as it is to you, so do yourself a favor and moveeeeee onnnnnnnnn! When she realizes that her beauty only gets her so far she'll see what she's missing out on!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): when she puts weight back on and suddenly realizes she wants you back, tell her your taste has changed and you want to find your equal. Dont waste your pain on her by meeting up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): I guess her true colours were revealed with weight shed. Sorry you are heart broken. But better to know now then when you were married and had kids.
She clearly has a different value basis than you.
I say let her go. Heal. If you are in need of support, seek counselling and gain some skills on how to cope.
Hang in there.
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A
female
reader, uroboros +, writes (28 January 2012):
what a selfish person she is....
seeing what she did, i think she didn't care for you from the start. maybe when she was "bigger" she thought men don't see her as attractive and stayed with you because you were "safe", right now she feels better with herself and gained confidence, so she's kind of taking her chances with things she didn't experience when she was fatter.
see her if you like, but you shouldn't waste your time for a person who doesn't treat you seriously.
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A
female
reader, StarryEyes101 +, writes (28 January 2012):
 Sounds to me like her confidence has blown through the roof. Now she feels beautiful, she's even uglier on the inside. You sound like a decent guy and it's her loss to have lost you. You need to move on. Chin up. She'll be more hurt knowing that you have moved on from her! Go find someone that deserves you. She must not have thought much of you if she dropped you like this. She must have known it would hurt you.
To me, it's lucky you aren't her equal.
I hope this helps :)
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (28 January 2012):
Whether or not the weight loss has contributed to her change, I dont know? She has said there is no chance of you getting back right? If so, then meeting her will make it worse for you. Judging from what you have mentioned, then personally you would do better moving past her and meeting someone who wants to be with you through thick and thin (pardon the expression).
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A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (28 January 2012):
 Wow. Sounds like you need to move on, and the sooner the better! For her to break up with you and say such a cruel thing shows this girl's true colors. I know it's hard, but you should cut ties completely. The sooner you do, the sooner you can move on and find a woman who will love and appreciate you!
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