A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm stuck in a circle.I'm nearly 21 and dont have friends. I'm a student and doing IT. Now the problem is making friends is something I have no idea how to do. I had a troubled childhood and due to that my social development stopped for a few years. Im left now without having the skills to interact with my peers. Im a good guy and I can talk to people who talk to me and they are none the wiser that I have a problem. Im a good looking and friendly guy who doesnt appear to suffer from the geek complex (look geeky, talk geeky).I get out the house a couple of times a year for some kind of event. I used to get out here and there by people inviting me out. Im at the stage where I turn down these requests. In clubs/pubs im starting to get very anxious and I hate having one good night then waiting 4 months for another.I've been battling depression for a couple of years now and refused medical treatment (as advised by my GP). But im fighting a losing battle and im literally begining to crumble. I sleep for as long as possible just so I dont have to wake up and face another day sitting and staring blankly into my computer screen.To make things worse my family keep asking what i've been up to at weekends, what im doing for summer, have I got a girlfriend. I sit at home in front of my PC and/or TV at weekends, summers and I wouldnt know where to start with the opposite sex.Im at the end, its make or break time. Where and How do you make friends ?Speaking to people, how does it develop into friendship ?(as much detail as possible would be appreciated)So im literally begging for advice on how to turn my miserable life into something better. I also appologise for the length of this post.Thank you all in advance. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): You remind me of a male version of myself. It's uncanny. I'm even 21 as well...
Have you seen a therapist? I saw one. She didn't really help me that much, but you never know.
Is there anything in your life that you could change to make things easier for yourself? Dare to define the stressors. Some of them you might not be able to change, but some you might be able to, even if it's really hard.
I am terrible at making friends. My mother used to try to pay me to make friends when I was a kid, but that didn't work out too well as my first ever best friend was committed to a mental institution less than a year into our friendship. It's all been downhill from there. I don't know about you, but I have had especially tumultuous relationships with the same sex. Part of me getting over my depression involved me finally coming out about my bisexuality.
I am a lone wolf, like you. Everyone else seems so happy, I know. But their lives aren't what they are cracked up to be, I'm sure.
That being said...I'm told that School/College/University is a great place to make friends. Take a course, maybe one that requires some type of group work.
Best of luck to you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your comments.
To first poster I live in Edinburgh.
I am curious as to how you move from just talking to going out etc and building a social circle that you can do things with.
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A
female
reader, xcharlottex +, writes (24 January 2009):
Alot of people have trouble socializing, it comes naturally once you get into the habbit of it though. You can meet people everywhere, pubs, clubs, starbucks, asda :P & one of the best ways to meet people now is through sites like facebook & myspace. Start off with smalltalk, then go into talking about something you've done, maybe an embarrassing story, perhaps tease them...find something you both hhate & perhaps make a sarcy comment n before you know it you have a friend!
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A
female
reader, meforyou +, writes (24 January 2009):
I am the same as u wen it comes to talkin to people, i cant start a conversation n always wait for them to approach me first n even then i don't really say alot. Its a confidence thing. Apart from my family, i've only got my bf n 1 friend that i can talk to comfortably. You really need to keep tellin yourself that its make or break time so that u'l actually do somethin about it. I cant tell you wat to say or how to say it but u seem like your capable of talkin to people wen they do approach u, when you see someone you feel like talking to just take deep breath (if you have to) and start by sayin hi, or ask them ow they are, the worst that wil happen is that they dont say anythin bak n if they dont talk to ya then try some1 worth your time. dunno if this has helped you but i hope it does, gud luck x x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2009): Your making this friendship thing into a much bigger deal than it has to be. Its so easy to make friends. First you just have to relax, and be confident. People like people who like themselves. When you are talking to someone don't think about yourself and how you need friends and how you've been depressed lately. Really focus on what the other person is saying. It takes the pressure off you and people will respond to someone who actually listens. Keep the conversation lite and crack a joke or say something witty.
From now on require yourself to get out of the house at least once a day. Whether its going to the park or the grocery store, just get out of your own head and watch other people interact. You can really learn a lot from watching other people socialize. Force yourself to strike up conversations with strangers.
Whenever someone invites you out, just go. I used to never go out and then wonder why I was lonely. Now whatever the invitation is, I force myself to go. Just go out and have fun. Life is fun. You will meet wonderful people out there, if that is what you really want. Just be confident in yourself and think of all the qualities you have to offer a friend.
I know your going through a bad funk right now, but it will pass. Focus on the positive things in life, rather than the negative. Soon you will only see the good, and the bad will just pass you by. I know it sounds corny but just give it a shot. Good luck to you:)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2009): oh dear I was exactly the same as you at one point in my life. It's all about confidance, try talking to the people you work with every day, ask them what they been up to? are they doing any thing over the weekend? just normal stuff and soon enough they will ask you to go out with them at the weekend don't ever turn them down because your not going to make friends just sat in your house. The more you get out the more friends you will make and the more confidance you will gain and soon enough you will have a good group of friends and a girl friend will come in time there is no rush make you friends then go out and have some fun.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2009): Hi there.May i ask where abouts you are from ?.I'm in the exact same situation and wanted to offer my support.On top of all that though,i'm also having family problems and having difficulty finding a job,so my life feels pointless at present and feels like it's not going anywhere.Maybe we can become friends ?.I'm 24,so i'm not really much older than you.
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