A
male
age
51-59,
*ravelmate37
writes:We met, talked, fell in love - (happens when you're not looking for love). I was 39 (divorced, kids not with me) she was 23. I lived on the other side of the country. Long distance was a pain, but we made it work and saw each other as often as possible. I found work and moved (closer to her and a new life).Living 2 hrs away is still hard but not as bad as it was. The thing is that she was/is still studying, and still lives at home and because she lives at home our relationship is a closely guarded secret. She is paranoid someone will find out about us and tell her parents. She says its because she doesn't want the stress of dealing with that with her parents yet because of studies, nor having her friends find out (partly because of judging her) and word getting back to her parents. I respect this and her position but do wonder 'what is wrong with me?' and 'am i that bad or represent something that bad?'. (note: I lost my parents at an early age and didn't have to deal with gfs and parents on a serious level so I feel I can only be flexible here).To my knowledge, one of her friends knows about me - because of a close call but my gf said (to her friend) I was younger and she 'wasnt sure if this (a relationship with me)was what she wanted' (age, divorced, have previous kids). I feel like a 'dirty secret' and feel sad for the way things are despite her telling me she loves me very much and wants to be with me - things will be different when she moves out. I have brought this up - asking whether she wants a 'show pony' (bloke closer to her age) but she says she she wants me.I dont mind not being apart of every part of my gf's life, but I do want to be part of it/share in it. Any thoughts or suggestions? I'm too Churned up and cant think clearly.
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divorce, fell in love, lives at home, long distance Reply to this Question
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male
reader, travelmate37 +, writes (1 January 2011):
travelmate37 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: Well it's been nearly 18months since I originally posted the question and unfortunately nothing has changed. When I try to vent my frustrations, I hear "its hard for me too", and "its because you dont have the distractions (social circle) that I do when we're apart" (I moved to a new state to be closer and finding a new social set has proven to be hard). As for trying to broach the subject of not being a secret; a flat "I don't want to talk about it" is the response. I guess I can be distant when I feel 'She's been about socialising and now she that she's ready, wants to contact me', and have been accused of being selfish of trying to bring her down. I figure my poor form is a reaction of feeling like "a toy on the shelf, played with at her discretion".
Unfortunately I feel myself getting up to ultimatum time (not quite so black and white though) where the secrecy issue will need to be discussed. It may cost me this relationship, however I just want to be a couple and do some things couples do, have her not having to hang up on the phone, not worry about who will see us together in public. She can still have her friends and space thats fine. After 2.5 years I dont think I am being unreasonable. Comment graciously welcomed, thank you to all who have answered in the past.
A
male
reader, travelmate37 +, writes (1 July 2009):
travelmate37 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOnce again, thank you to all who have answered and to those I have contacted privately (very much appreciated). Even in the answers that appear 'negative' on the surface have pearls of wisdom - anonymous female (mentioned yep she's ashamed), clarity points: I am younger than her Dad (over 10 yrs) and if I wanted to be her 'dirty secret' then I wouldnt be asking for advice. The outside perception of the age diff does seem to matter (i concur) although it doesnt from within (Ive asked lots) and for keeping options open I acknowledge its a valid point, and I am not getting 'marriage' like serious or anything like that (she knows this) we are both serious about our relationship. The crux if you like is when I have brought the secrecy issue up, she says she wants me, but doesnt want her parents to find out (yet). Its been going on for a while, and because of this I wanted to get others perspectives in order to move forward from where things are at.
Thank you to everyone for your answers :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): yep she is ashamed of you and want you to be her dirty secret. why? the age difference obviously matters. i am guessing you are only a few years older than her own dad. she is also keeping her options open.
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A
female
reader, sugar_sugar  +, writes (1 July 2009):
 It's not so much what she feels is wrong with you, as what she believes others expect of her.I think even those of us at that age who are independent in every way can still often have that subconscious desire to make choices that will please our parents, and our friends.For most 23 year olds, bringing home a boyfriend closer in age to their parents than themselves doesn't exactly fit into the ideal most parents have for their children, even the more liberal minded ones, and the prospect of dealing with 'disappointing' the parents plus the awkward family meeting is not an appealing one.I would question whether she is really prepared to tell everyone in her life about this relationship. When does she plan to move out of home? Why has she not introduced you to her friends - and how will that particularly be remedied by her moving out? How long have you been with her? I notice your age is now listed as 41 - 50? In my experience, when something is right you want to shout it from the rooftops, I would proceed with caution.
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A
male
reader, travelmate37 +, writes (1 July 2009):
travelmate37 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you to all who have answered so far and for your support. Being in a situation often blinds you to what others may see (usually the obvious)- I appreciate your answer and take your point moralcrusader, however I dont covet young girls (23f is a woman): we just clicked straight away. Will keep you posted on any updates. For retro fashionista, thanks for your appraisal of this, this situation has been going on for about 9 months. It gets frustrating and disheartening at times but Im hanging in there because our relationship and she is worth it (i just hope Im doing the right thing by me)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): I have not told my parents about my boyfriend because they are not 'over' the fact I am no longer with my ex-husband. They see it as a failing and they see me as letting them down and so I know that adding another layer by announcing a new boyfriend on the scene will just add to my misery and make my relationship difficult. It seems crazy but if I can feel like this at age 37 ! then I can fully understand how your girlfriend is feeling at her young age. She is concerned about her feelings and is protecting what you have from other people. The only trouble with both our situations is that eventually things have to come out as the relationship progresses - otherwise it simply doesn't progress. Perhaps agree with her that it is ok for now but you need to discuss when things can be more out in the open.
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries  +, writes (1 July 2009):
 hmm i don't think you're her dirty secret not at all but maybe she feels people will judge her too much because you've had a previous marriage and have kids somewhere.
she's probably afraid her parents will banned her from seeing you and her friends will think you're sick without knowing you.
look just give her time and stuff i mean she says she wants you so trust it :)
i mean she probably told her friend that because she doesn't want her to think of her as a s*** in some ways because you were previously married and do have kids.
nothing against you she's just paranoid about what people shall say but she shouldn't let this get to her at all :)
try and stay strong and help her out :)
hope this helps hun x ilovebowsandcherries x
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A
female
reader, laura585 +, writes (1 July 2009):
Aw. She's worrying too much. She's old enough to make her own choices by now, still living at home can make you feel like a child still, tho. She probably thinks everyone will flip out and their heads will catch on fire if they find out she's dating an older divorced guy. But in all reality I doubt anyone will care as much as she thinks. They all have their own lives and issues that are far more important to them than who she is dating. Her parents, on the otherhand, may care a little more, but seeing that she's not a child, I doubt they will do much more than ask her why she likes you. I think she's just thinking its a bigger deal than it really is. I once dated an older divorced guy with kids, my parents just asked why he got a divorce - just to see what kind of person he was I guess... then they didnt bother me about it. Her parents may be different but I still think she is blowing it out of porportion- altho I doubt she realizes this. She'll figure it out soon enough, nothing is wrong with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): It sounds to me like she's worried about what her family/friends will think of HER, aswell as you, when/if she tells them about you.
Obviously you haven't met the people she knows, but perhaps they are quite judgemental, or she could be worrying too much.
How did you meet... via Internet? Maybe she's worried about telling them how you met, if it's that.
But she does need to realise that you can't keep your relationship a secret for much longer, if you both want this to work.
If you really believe that she'll be more open about your relationship with people when she's moved out, then wait.
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