A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a lot to deal with right now. Some days I'm fine just going about my day, then everything comes back to me and i feel overwhelmed and depressed again. I'm 18 weeks pregnant with my ex's baby. We broke up before i even knew i was pregnant. It wasn't a clean break. I saw he was flirting with other girls and when i confronted him, he denied it. When i presented the evidence, he stopped talking to me. He cut off all contact with me. I am able to contact him via social media. My problem is, should i tell him I'm pregnant? My friends have all said i should tell him; that it's the right thing to do. My biggest fear is that I'll tell him and his response will be entirely negative. I'm scared he'll be mean. I don't know that I'm emotionally strong enough. I'm holding in so much already, what with not having told my family I'm pregnant either. I don't want to become another disappointment. I just can't fathom their reaction, and I've already imagined his reaction so negatively.I suppose i should just grow a pair and tell everyone, but how do i explain my irresponsibility and stupidity? I'm so confused.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 May 2014):
 At this point you are pretty far along...so it's obvious that you're going to keep the baby (or go through with the pregnancy and give the baby up for adoption which is awesome if that's your choice)
Telling him has to be done. He has a right to know. If he wants something to do with his child that's on him. You do not need to have anything other than a civil working relationship with this man. He will be tied to you and your child (and his child) forever and he will have to learn NOT to be mean.
YOU meanwhile have to learn to not worry about things you have no control over.
I suggest you tell MOM first... she may cry she may yell... give her some time to adjust and digest the news. Then she can help tell dad... and then once you have a plan on how you and your family will cope with your child (their grandchild) you tell the birth father.
Having a child with someone does not mean YOU have to have a relationship with him. You only have to be civil and co-parent together should he want to be involved with his child.
If he chooses NOT to be involved emotionally, that's on him. But I would discuss child support etc with the guy. He has a right to know all these things.
A
male
reader, methuselah  +, writes (19 May 2014):
Hello,
Firstly, do not think you are bad or not responsible. This is where you are now so this is the start of dealing with things. You will need to talk to your parents and family. Explain to them your present situation. (I am assuming you have this option.) Then go from there.
Eventually, you will need to speak to your ex. You both made the pregnancy so he should be told of the situation. Do not borrow worry about what might happen or what might be said. Carefully begin to start dealing with your present situation. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (18 May 2014):
I stress to you that you must stop being down on yourself. This is life and life is messy. Some people feel free to cast stones despite what the bible says. Ignore them. You do need to tell your family and let him know as well. Just because you have fallen out being girlfriend and boyfriend does not mean you can't forgive and be on friendly terms. I am divorced but on caring and friendly terms with my son's father. We are good, responsible parents and you will make a great Mum too. Stand strong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2014): Yes, tell your parents/family and tell your x. Even if he isn't part of the child's life he has to help financially. Don't worry, you will be ok. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (18 May 2014):
 I feel bad for the child who is already suffering even before his/her birth. Irresponsible parents, a negligent cheat of a father, a mother who is barely even in control of her life...seriously OP get a hold on yourself and take a decision NOW. Stop playing with someone's life even before they're born.
There is no way to explain your irresponsibility and stupidity to your family so just suck it up and tell them the truth. You're already almost half-way into your pregnancy, how long do you think you can hide it anyway?
As for your boyfriend, drop him a message or call him if you still have his number and tell him about whatever's happened. What's the worst that will happen? He'll be absent from your child's life but that's already pretty much the case but at least you know where you stand. He owes you child support so he better know about what he's getting into
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2014): Maybe ringing one of those unplanned pregnancy hotline numbers will help. I'm sure they have dealt with your situation plenty of times. Good luck, and remember - it will work out in the end! :-)
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 May 2014):
 It's pretty far along in the pregnancy, so are you going to keep it and raise it? At 4 1/2 months in, you're starting to show, and you need to consider your child's needs now even over your own fears. You are worried about being "another disappointment" to your parents, but now it's time to not be a disappointment to your child.
Getting proper care, allowing your family to get used to the idea and get their lives ready for a newcomer into the family is imperative. You have an obligation to tell him you're pregnant, to secure child support and to get a medical family history on his side, as well as give him the chance to decide whether to be in his baby's life as his father as well as paying child support, which is the law.
His reaction, positive or negative, is now irrelevant. Will you tell your kid that he doesn't have a father and that you have a more handicapped financial situation because you were afraid of his reaction?
There won't be a shred of reaction that can change anything. If he's going to react negatively, he needs to blame himself as well, because I'm betting you didn't artificially inseminate yourself.
Best get it over with, first your family, and then him. You are loved, so let them get over the initial shock, and then decide what you're going to do with your future.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 May 2014):
 It takes two people to make a baby, so YES you should tell him. Whether it was a rough break or not, he deserves to know. It's shouldn't be dumped on him when the Child Support comes after him for CS.
As for your family and friends, yes, it's about time you tell them too. You are halfway through the pregnancy.
An unwanted pregnancy is never a joyful situation, but.. it CAN turn into a good thing, for you and your family. Babies have a way of bringing people together and spread joy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2014): You could ask a close family member (preferably your mother) if she would go shopping with you, then pop into the baby section and if she asks why, be honest. If you don't want to do that, try calling a family meeting (at your parents' house) so you can leave if anyone says anything nasty.
If you can't do that, try talking to your doctor about telling them.
As for the guy, he definitely needs to know so that he can financially help support you, if nothing else. Take a friend as moral back up.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (17 May 2014):
 Agreed.
Revealing a pregnancy is hard. And given your circumstances, it's just more difficult on top of already being difficult!
Yes, you should tell your ex. Is your family supportive of you? Are you close? If you think that they'll ultimately be happy, but have some questions and some worries - that's okay, that's what a loving, supportive family SHOULD do. Maybe you should tell them first, so you have a bit of a team on your side if your ex does react negatively. But just because he might not like it, doesn't mean he shouldn't know. You BOTH made this baby, so the responsibility should fall to BOTH of you.
Sit down with your parents, let out that big, heavy sigh that will be weighing on you and say, "congratulations!". Then, tell them the truth - this was unexpected, you're afraid of the future and particularly of them being disappointed.
If it's any consolation, even if you're happily married - there is no woman who doesn't look down at those two lines on a stick she's peed on and say, "oh shit". Being pregnant is scary and even if you expect it, you never really expect it until you're expecting.
I'm glad you have friends who you're comfortable talking to. Just breathe, keep doing things you enjoy to keep the massive stress at bay, and talk to your parents.
Good luck (and congratulations)!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 May 2014):
Even if things were ideal you still may be reluctant to spill the beans to everyone. Take your time.
But you seem to be to worried about what other people will think. Who gives a shit if your ex gets mad? He is just as responsible for this as you are.
And your parents may be disappointed but if they love you they'll accept reality and be there for you, and be happy to have grandkids.
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