A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend (of 2 years) and I had an argument last week. The argument was mainly because i started noticing that my boyfriend has been ignoring me lately, reading my texts and not responding, he even ignored me for a whole day. Throughout our relationship, he has ignored me so many times, disappearing for days, then use his depression as an excuse. It's always the same excuse, he's either sick, tired or depressed. Anyways, I lashed out on him, I told him things like 'you're careless, you only care about your feelings and your own mental health, what about me? what about my feelings...etc'. He doesn't really like arguments, so i always try to keep my anger inside, but i just couldn't do it anymore. What's even worse is that he turned the table around and tried to make it seem like it was my fault, and that i should understand that if he disappeared on me it only means that 'he's sick and can't talk' and he said that i was being very dramatic. He even threatened me and said those exact words "Try to drive me crazy and i'll bring you down with me". Anyways, it has been more than a week now, and i haven't heard anything from him. No calls/texts, and I haven't tried contacting him either. Does this means it's over?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 May 2014):
 Even if he does not want it to be over it needs to be over for you.
He's using his depression as an excuse (which is very different from an explanation) to mistreat you.
My husband suffers low-grade depression and sometimes it flares and he just is not quite himself...but he NEVER threatens me (while depressed) nor does he use any of his ailments as an excuse for mistreatment.
"I forgot to call you" means "you are NOT important to me"
I think you need to be proactive here and contact him (not a text or a letter unless you send it signature required) and let him know that you no longer will be sitting around waiting for him to abuse you emotionally when he feels like it.
then mourn the loss (because even if it was NOT a great relationship it's still going to be a loss for you) and move on to bigger and better things and people.
YOU are not at fault here... do not let him or anyone else lay a guilt trip on you.
PART of having any illness is being proactive about treating it and being as supportive and understanding as you can of your support staff.. he's mistreating you and you are his biggest supporter I am sure.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (18 May 2014):
 It sounds like your relationship had way more cons than it did pros, and you're much better off without him. I know, however, that's easier said than done.
You shouldn't have to remind your boyfriend to behave like a boyfriend lol. You shouldn't have to hound him to call you or make time for you. He should just do those things. That's what boyfriends do.
Just stick to the no contact and keep it in your mind that you're doing the right thing. Remind yourself of how unhappy you were.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 May 2014):
 This is the part when you drop him. Threatening to "bring you down"?? Umm, you're too old to choose toxic guys anymore. The wrong guy now can ruin your future, so since he's made it clear that in the 2 years you've been with him, he's taken no responsibility for his own mental well-being and he's comfortable mistreating you and blaming it on you, time to ditch him for good.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2014): Thank you all for responding, My boyfriend does go to see a therapist every month, and he takes proper medication for his depression. He's always busy playing video games and spending all his free time with his friends. I always have to remind him of me, "don't forget to call me...don't forget to text me.. don't forget this... don't forget that...". He sometimes ignores me for days and then say "I was playing this video game and I totally forgot to call u". I've been through a lot with him! I'm just tired of this rollercoaster of emotions it really isn't healthy for me anymore. I would spend my weekends sad and depressed in my bed not wanting to see anyone! I really even forgot what's it like to "have fun"! All I think about is him and what can I do to make us work, make this relationship survive! What sucks is that he doesn't appreciate it at all! I've reached a point now, where I don't have any emotions! I don't feel sad, happy...etc! I feel nothing! I can't feel sad anymore, it's like my brain and my body are both tired of feeling sad all the time! I really do love him so much, I don't know what to do
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 May 2014):
This reminds me of a girl I dated who occasionally suffered from depression. It eventually ruined the relationship because I didn't understand what was going on and I, like you, was thinking about how it affected me more than how it affected her.
During a couple of her isolating episodes I cheated on her because I was hurt and felt rejected.
She was incredible, and looking back I wish I would have helped her get treatment.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 May 2014):
 You ask: "Does this means it's over?"
Yes, it does. NOW, go out and get a real, mature and considerate boyfriend. YOU'll be much happier....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 May 2014):
By the way, in no way was I attempting to make you feel at fault for how you felt. It's completely natural to feel as you did. I was just simply attempting to give you a potential explanation for his behavior from his perspective.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 May 2014):
I don't know about your boyfriends depression or how serious it is, but in my current relationship, my partner suffers from depression, and it's not uncommon for her to completely isolate herself for a week or more at a time. She doesn't completely ignore me - we will have hollow and emotionless conversation here and there - but she doesn't leave her bedroom at all in that span of time and conversation between us dwindles down to almost non-existant.
I think if your boyfriend suffers from depression, you reacted in a way that pushed him away. I know its hard to understand unless you are a sufferer (I'm not, so it took a lot of effort on my part to educate myself). On the surface, it seems like they are just neglecting you and are being thoughtless and careless. However, you're failing to recognize that this can be a debilitating mental disease. Your boyfriend probably doesn't want to isolate and feel the way he does any more than you want him to. In fact, in some cases, like in my gf's case, the sufferer may not even be aware they are doing it (isolating). It's not until I point it out that she recognizes that she hasn't left her house in a week.
All this being said, I don't think you are wrong in how you felt. Believe me, I know that when my partner isolates and ignores me, I feel exactly as you do. It's only natural. However, that's when I have to remind myself that it's not intentional, and it's not my fault. I'm not being neglected because she doesn't love me - it's because of her depression.
I think you lashing out made your boyfriend retreat. If he suffers from depression, fighting with you may be the last thing he can handle. He probably wants someone who can be understanding and supportive during his times of isolation. When he doesn't respond for a day, just relax and let him come back to you when he's ready. Remind yourself that it's okay and things are fine. I can't say for sure that things are done. It sounds like it, based on the lack of communication for a week. However, if you want to work things out, don't be stubborn - contact him and let him know how you feel. It may still be over in his head or it may not. But if you want to find out, the only way is to contact him.
On a side note: his comment about bringing you down with him is a bit odd. Weird thing to say.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 May 2014):
 Instead of lashing out (not that I blame you!) I would have told him to seek help for the depression, because depression doesn't JUST hurt the person WITH the depression but everyone around them, INCLUDING you.
If you haven't heard from him in over a week and don't feel "compelled" to reach out to him, I'd say it's over.
I would "just as a formality" let him know that you consider the relationship over and that you wish him well and want no further contact with him. That way he can't really pull a "I felt sick so I couldn't be bothered to talk to you move"
People with depression DO tend to alienate those they care about and those that care about them, they usually don't feel worthy of those people. They isolate themselves, which tend to make the depression worse.
I'm not saying that to make YOU feel bad. You shouldn't. HE is responsible for HIS mental health. And depression or not, HE is responsible for HIS actions, just like you are for yours.
If this has gone on for 2 years I don't blame you for wanting it to be over. You can only "coddle" a person so much. And coddling doesn't help depression.
Chin up and good luck.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 May 2014):
Luckily for both of you it sounds like it is. This is obviously not a good relationship, so even if he does contact you again you should move on.
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