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female
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anonymous
writes: i hate the thought of my fiancee getting off on porn. i have found a collection of it on his computer and was nearly phsically sick. I know this is as people say normal. but it wasent normal 100 yrs ago when marraiges actually servived. When other women and whats expected of a sex life wasent created byu a fake orgasm or a women crazy about sex and doing anythink she could to get it. i belive my man gets off on other women i do belive it has no effect on his love for me but i also belive it is a form of cheating. he essencially is getting of on another girl forget all this its the actions! help im going mental !!?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2006): Oh brother!!!!!!!!!!!!
For one... women in porn for the most part are FAR from flawless, the good features and attributes they have are mostly fake or altered, and they obsess about their weight and bodies so much that they cant go five minutes without some comment on it. Trust me, I've met/known several.
Secondly... unless he's looking at child pornography or possibly gay porn, get over it! The only difference you're going to notice by him viewing porn is that you're going to get laid more (he's going to get turned on and most of the time if you're around, is going to take that out on you), and you might end up with him trying a few new sometimes uncomfortable sexual positions he'd seen done. How terrible right? More sex and maybe more experimentation...
What you realllllly need to be concerned about is if he's NOT looking at porn and NOT having a sexual relationship with you... because then he really would be cheating and trust me, thats MUCH worse. Besides, don't you ever masturbate? Most women masturbate, but they have active imaginations and fantasies.. guys are more visual... same stimulation as reading a romance novel and imagining Fabio "gently carressing the swell of your breast" as he's getting watching a girl getting gang banged.. lol.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2006): What can I say
To the person that says 'they dont think about these women or want a woman like that' sorry but thats bs....
My h constantly told me he wished I looked like the porn women...
Yes they do get aroused by these women.....any woman who is naive enough to beieve they dont is stupid...
If a man has love for a woman and really finds her attractive he wouldnt even think about porn....It would be pointless as it would be NOTHING compared to the hot wife or girlfriend he has....
The truth is many men compare everyday women and find them lacking compared to the flawless porn chicks..
So the only answer it seems is to quickly find out if a man is into this crap and if he is run for the hills before he traps you into being his housekeeper and human incubatort for his porn (aka his wife)
Good luck girls from a mum and wife who learned too late...
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): A hundred years ago, marriages survived more because society was more conservative, women didn't have any rights, and families wanted face.
BTW, I'm not going to answer about porn anymore. It is such a tiring subject, like arguing about religion. [yawn] and [double yawn]
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female
reader, chunky_monkey +, writes (14 June 2006):
I found my boyfriend's too and we got into a fight over it. He was the one that made a decision to get rid of it, which i thank him for. He told me that im more important that the porn. Sure sometimes i worry that he has more. But we have a deal if i need reassurance over such things i ask and he responds turthly as he says he can't lie to me. Explain to your boyfriend you beliefs on porn and hopefully he will respet your opinion like mine did.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): I know exactly how you feel! Only I cought my man. I hate the thought that he is getting turned on and getting off to other naked women. That he sees them and hears them... it really hurts, so I know what you are going through! He did get rid of 99% of his collection for me, but I still hate the thought of him doing it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): I know exactly how you are feeling! I hate it because I can't stand the thought that he is being turned on and then getting off by these other women. To me that feels like cheating. He says it isn't how I think. I try to believe him, but then I think about him seeing and hearing then getting off to other naked women. It makes me feel sick. How would he like it if I masturbated to some perfectly shaped, well endowed man. Not saying that he isn't any of those things, but you know what I mean. It hurts too that he would rather look at them than sleep with me. I know sometimes guys feel lazy and it's quicker by themselves an he doesn't have to make sure I enjoyed myself, but SO WHAT!! : ) He did get rid of 99% of his collection for me though, so he's not so bad. I feel for you, I know how you feel.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): I wouldnt call it cheating,porn is just fantasy and you are reality.I would be more worried if he was actually cheating on you with another girl.Some men just use porn as a stress thing but half the time it dont mean that much to them,i should know im a bloke.:0)
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female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (14 June 2006):
 Alot of men do it out of boredom. They cant see why we go fruit the loop at it. They need stilmuli to get off, sounds shallow, but wouldnt you rather he did that than was actually physically cheating ? Its a quick release for them, some men when they are stressed or depressed,do it more often, some just because they can. All they are doing is yanking the chain, they are not actually thinking much about these women, its just a thing on a screen that happens to make them aroused at the time, once they have finished viewing they carry on as normal and look at another shiny thing! If your not happy with him doing it tell him you dont like it, but chances are he wont stop as he doesnt feel that its wrong, if you are enjoying a nornal sex life I wouldnt worry. The thing with men and porn is that they but it into a different box for want of a better word, they in no way compare the partner they have with whats on screen, they wouldnt lower you. They wouldnt want you to be like that, its a quick fix and the attarction they have to you is because you are not like that. Men dont really want women like this its just fantasy, they are with you but at the same time like to explore themselves, see what its all about. and express themselves. What is the harm of him sitting looking at it yanking and then carrying on as normal, what is it that makes you feel so bad ? look at it this way, its pretty sad to sit and look at pics and then fiddle with yourself! If your really not happy talk to him about it, if your sex life is ok i woulndt worry too much, they are simple creatures and sometimes they want to get off, without the whole love you intimate thing, whats wrong with that ? so long as you are being paid attention to why worry ? Its just images on a screen. Men also need to feel wanted and attractive, sometimes they do this because they are feeling a bit rank but want a quick pep up, they too need to feel desired, so in some instances they are making themselves feel better. They treat sex entirely different but they too need to feel sexy, they need to feel sexy when having sex with us, the times they dont feel sexy they may still want to get off so look at pics. Sometimes they dont want us to feel like its sex sex all the time, so give us our space and get off in their own. If you cant include yourself just chat to him and see what he says about it all.
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female
reader, bonie13 +, writes (14 June 2006):
why dont you try using porn togeather as a couple eigher magazines or by watching a saucy film togeather. i felt exactly the same as you do when i found my hubbys stash men usually hide it because they are embarrassed. just think if hes only looking at pictures least he is not actually playing with someone elce!! if you bring it out into the open im sure you will be surprised how turned on you will be. i think porn is only a problem if its instead of sex with you but aswell as doesnt hurt. give him a break if you make a big deal then he will only hide it more he wont give it up all men love porn.
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female
reader, Anja +, writes (14 June 2006):
 Its sin sin sin sin sin sin sin no wonder relationships break up as much as they do, to lust after someone (whether real or not) with the eye, you have commited adultery in the heart.
Obviously these people are real (unless they are cartoon characters!) It has affected your relationship and is affecting YOU!! The reason why women feel the same as you as 'yos' says is that men rarely have the same problem with their other half.
I'm sure if you were to be looking at naked men in sexual acts your partner would not like that at all (unless he has gay tendencies...) anyway deviating here...PORN IS NOT ALRIGHT....IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE...IT SHOULD BE BANNED. IT DOES AFFECT RELATIONSHIPS...(oh dear my ratings have taken a nose dive again for speaking my mind) truth hurts
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male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (14 June 2006):
 I think that was is important is how *you* feel about it not what has gone before or what other people feel about it. You definatly need to tell your fiancee how you feel and how hurt you are else if you just let this simmer then it will only cause more upset.
This is one of those things where there is not alot of right or wrong just how the individuals involved feel. You are entitled to ask him to respect your feelings and if him having this collection affects you then there is nothing wrong with you expecting him to consider that. Hope that helps. Take care.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (14 June 2006):
 You'll probably get different opinions on this. But it is clear that many women feel the same way as you, they really don't like it when their partner uses porn. You should raise this with your fiancee: tell him how it makes you feel and discuss him stopping looking at it. If he is going to marry you then he should certainly care about you enough to do this for you if it means a lot to you.
Be prepared for him to not think its a big deal, for him not to really understand why it upsets you. It's unfortunate but many men do not initially understand why porn would be upsetting: you have to remember that porn to men is usually an emotionless experience and so they (we) feel that it's 'no big deal'. It can be hard to explain how porn makes you feel to a man when he cannot really empathise. But it is possible.
Personally I do believe that porn can actually effect love, intimacy and sex within a relationship in various negative ways. In fact, I think porn is part of the reason many sexual and relationship issues exist in society today. There's lots of people who disagree with me on this. I would just say that the fact that something is common and generally accepted in society does not necessarily make it right, good or healthy. History very clearly tells us this.
You might want to read the question and replies here for more about this, someone posted about the same issue a few days ago:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-wife-is-so-upset-about-the-porn.html
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female
reader, Angel ron +, writes (14 June 2006):
 never mind cheating this bloke is a weirdo dump him find some one else
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