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writes:Susan(32) is a woman I met last year (September 2007) and we went out for a couple of weeks in Early to mid June.The dating started when a mutual friend suggested I ask Susan out as Susan had told her she found me attractive.We dated a couple of weeks but then Susan backed off saying she was not ready for something serious.We kept contact during summer but had an argument in September of this year when I told her that she couldn't keep me hanging; she would have to see me as a BF or we needed to end it. She said that she found me attractive but couldn't seem to proceed. I told her this is gibberish and stopped contact.A few days ago we see each other on Facebook(we are friends) and I say hello(She has sent a message a few weeks past).I joke about how another female friend of mine is pestering me at the moment and Susan answers that "She is pestering you because you are handsome".I felt she was just playing games or making fun of me , so I didn't reply.She then tells me about her busy schedule and tells me that we should arrange to go to her church some Sunday(she is a church goer).I politely decline, telling her that church on Sunday morning is not really my thing as I am usually out late on Saturdays.She comments that this is an important issue.A couple of days later we meet by chance and have some coffee. She says she had stopped things with me in mid June because she felt I didn't understand or share her commitment to her religious beliefs.The truth is that I did not understand the extent to which her religion affected her life but I explained to her that she never put in the effort to explain things to me. She just bailed without sufficient explanation.How was I to know the impact her faith had on her life?She then added that she just needed the summer to settle and that she is in a much better mindset now.That may have been her hint that she wants us to date again.Then she started asking me about coming to church with her again. She then suggested at least talking to her priest(who she seems to greatly admire).I explained to her that I am as Christian as she is, albeit not a practising one.I feel that I live my life by Christian virtues and she should judge me by my merits as a man rather than whether I go to church or not.In a nutshell, I get the impression that if we are to have a relationship she wants me to become a member of her church.I am not against this, but I feel that I may be compromising too much to be with her.I feel that she should have more interest in me as a person. Whether I am a church goer or not should be secondary to if I am a good person.I like Susan and I am not against the church in any way, but would it be right for me to go to church at her request?If it reasonable for her to ask me to adopt her practices?I understand this is important to Susan but is this woman really interested in me?Wouldn't an interested woman first form a relationship with me and then try to bring me into the church?NOTEShe also mentioned that her way of life does not allow for premarital sex. I told her that was not something unexpected.Thanks for reading,
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 November 2008):
 Suppose this thing meant she wants you to convert to her religion, or else you won't date. Will you convert? I would not. You see, converting means that you believe in what that religion holds as true. "All right, I'll repeat your prayers if I get to lay my hands on that pair" is just not right.
That said, I don't think she wants anything with you. That was clear when she left you because "she wasn't ready for something serious". Oh, I used to suppose that these girls don't date just for the sake of it, but are always after something serious. Apparently she wasn't.
A
male
reader, GD +, writes (6 November 2008):
GD is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE 3
I didn't go to Church this evening(It was at 6:30pm) due to a cold.
Susan calls me at 8:00pm(after the pastor's talk) and asks where I was. She jokes about my absence and says that maybe we could go for a drink I respond that I am down with a cold.
She wishes me well and I ask her if she would like to go see some live music on Saturday night.
She says she isn't sure, she may be busy and that we should talk.
Things really have gone beyond my abilities of logic.
This woman seems to only want to socialize with me in church or after church but balks at other times when I ask her out.
I know I am looking for a relationship with her.
What on Earth is she looking for?
Thanks for any advice,
GD
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2008): hmmmmmm, you probably won't like me saying this, but 'going out for drinks/alcohol' is not the 'norm' in the Christian living world...we don't see much good in those places. Here's some tongue and cheek humor...we call it the devil's playground. I'm speaking from experience too, because (for a brief period) I tried out the bar scene in my 20's, and left feeling empty and disappointed.
Back when you and Susan were dating, she pushed down her convictions just to go out with you...but she saw it coming...drinking, vulnerable to sex, disagreements.
Maybe Susan is unlike any girl you've ever dated? If so, she offers a love deeper than most experience.
It might be possible Susan thought, if you were interested in Her, you'd want to go 'Together' to her church (since she invited you)
Going with your friend may have made Susan feel left out...?
p.s. please feel free to ask the pastor any questions or concerns you have about his message.
Take care GD.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (5 November 2008):
 Yep, if she would rather go to the movies with some friends than meet up with you I'd say the writing is on the wall.
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (5 November 2008):
You're right: if she were interested, she would have made an effort to be with you on that day. Or, at least, she would have suggested something.
So, she's not interested. Sorry. The good aspect of this is, now that you know it, you can act consciously and move on.
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male
reader, GD +, writes (5 November 2008):
GD is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE 2
I went to Susan's church two times on a Thursday(Oct 23 and 30). I heard her pastor speak, and I found his talks interesting.
She found out about it(she didn't come herself as she is busy at work at 6:30 on Thursdays) from our common friend and commented that she didn't expect me to go. Our mutual friend said that Susan seemed excited.
She called me last Friday and mentioned that maybe we should go to a Saturday talk(the pastor speaks on Thursdays and Saturdays). I didn't say anything because Saturday afternoon is difficult for me.
Last Sunday I call Susan at 2 and she gets back to me at 4:30.
I invite her for a drink that evening but she says she will be going to the movies with a group of friends.
At that point, I lost heart and thought that this woman is just not into me.
She may want to bring me into her church, but I just don't see female interest.
If she were interested, wouldn't she have made some effort to get together on Sunday?
I enjoy the Thursday talks her pastor gives at church, but I just don't see it going anywhere with her, despite my strong feelings.
Thanks for any advice,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): I can understand your frustration for all your efforts to pursue her, but she's unsure if you will accept the beliefs she values in life, so she doesn't want to give you (or herself) false hope. Some girls like her wouldn't take the chance to get involved with anyone but a guy from their church (or someone who believes the same) But she sees something in you thats worth the risk...And her heart will skip a beat when she finds out you've gone to her church. Take Care.
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male
reader, GD +, writes (22 October 2008):
GD is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE - I really need some advice folks!
I called Susan on Monday, but we were both busy and it seemed difficult to get in touch. I called Susan later in the evening but she didn't call back. She called on Tuesday.
I asked her out to dinner this Thursday night(tomorrow) but she said she finishes at 10 and will be too tired. Furthermore, we will both be out of town this weekend so that rules out Sat/Sun.
She said we should talk next week about getting together.
(Of course, this means I should call her - she never calls!)
In the meantime, I have arranged to hear her pastor speak tomorrow at her Church. I want to see what he and the church are like. I am not sure this is a good idea but I have promised our mutual fried(a church going lady who originally introduced us to each other) I would and I like to keep my word.
Susan knows nothing about me attending and will probably not be there.
The problem is I feel that Susan is possibly using religion to mask the fact that she just isn't that interested in me.
I feel that a woman who is interested in a man would make an effort to see him and not just relegate him to "the following week" as she did in our phone call.
Is it illogical to expect her to show some interest too?
Up to now it seems she has just been holding hoops for me to jump through.
I understand that I am doing the pursuing here but I really need a some sort of positive sign on her part.
What do you think?
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (18 October 2008):
 I agree with guillaume, it is obvious. She has told you what is important to her. You are not a practicing Christian so it is not that important to you. People who really feel connected to religion try to live the life. That usually includes going to church. They do not see church as an inconvenience but rather as a need, duty etc. If they had to choose between going out on Saturday night or going to church on Sunday morning, church wins.
I'm not a religious guy but have extended family members who are. It is usually important to them to have partners who are on the same page. I'm not saying she is correct and you're not either. She merely has some life rules or beliefs she will not compromise.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (18 October 2008):
Good question. I don't think religion is the real problem here. My guess is that she didn't feel the relationship was good enough in the beginning, and now she would like to have one BUT if you agree to (put whatever you want here). Her church is the first demand. If you want the girl, you will have to give in a little. You decide what you will give in about.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2008): Well I'm just the person to comment...I'm a 'church lady' (not the Saturday night live type :), but 'we' believe in loving God 1st, Husband, then Kids as priorities. (and the same for a man, but replace w/wife) Rather than call it religion, it is more a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ, who died for ours sins to give us eternal life. There is a difference in what you & Susan believe to be living a christian life...we believe the Bible is complete Truth, and God has set standards for his children (to protect us)and because He gave his life for us, (no greater love) we choose to obey his Word. This means we say 'no' to many things this world considers o.k. But it's worth it, because we know life here is short, but eternal life is forever. Does this mean we're a bunch of prudes & no fun? No. We treasure many joys in life...and love making is one of them! Life is very meaningful & rewarding because we know why we're here...We're not 'chasing after the wind' and wondering what its' all about. I hope I'm not sounding too 'religious' because we're just human too, and make mistakes...o.k. back to your friend. She's asked you to church to see if your heart would be open to accepting the same christian life she's living. You see, she can't start a serious relationship with you if you don't believe the same,...it would only bring conflict, problems, misery, so she's guarding her heart. She won't pressure you because it's a life changing decision and must be something only you can decide for yourself. Take Care!
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