A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, this is more one for the guys, as I would love to know why a perfectly (or what seems a perfectly) nice guy can just stop talking to a woman suddenly and that will be it! So the short of the suturation- met a lovely guy, in a bar about 3 weeks ago. Spent 7 hours talking to him. Discovered he's 24, dad died few years back, he is from one city, but now lives in another quite far from me. So not anywhere near where I live. He was down that weekend to see some friend's. We then ended up spending weekend (that weekend) at mine. (yes naughty I know) but it was more than that. We told each other all about our lives, and our childhoods etc. was amazing (at least I thought it was) Then the time came for him to get train home. It was all sad as we both didn't want it to end. I was worried that it would be it, that he lives too far away and also I'm 10 years older than him, so the combination just wouldn't work. He assured me that the age difference doesn't even bother him and that he would thinks has few days off work and will be up to see me next week if so. He got home that night and called me to say missing me so much already. Throughout next few weeks we called and texted, long epic messages and they were very loving, along lines of miss you and when he said can't take those days off work that please don't give up on him and how he thinks I'm exceptional. So we were trying to plan days he/me were free to see each other for a weekend and we also talked about the LDR thing as we both said not sure we could do it. But we both agreed to cross the bridge further down the line... Although he did call me to say his made tentive enquires to move to his office branch in my city and his looking into doing that- not just because of me, but also his friend's are all here and meeting me gave him little push. So things all good, I'm just trying to see when I can see him next week. He texts me sweet morning how are you miss you message Monday week ago on his way to work and I replied... And!!!!!That's it!!!! I have not heard from him since, he didn't reply to my message (just a casual how are you back) and I called Wednesday and no answer, just rang his phone and Friday sent a casual text asking how was. Now I am not silly, if a guy doesn't text back a week later, it's pretty obvious I'll never hear from him again! I just don't get it though, why do that?! I mean sometimes you can tell if a guy isn't interested anymore, his messages become cold and you just know. But this is awful, as no indication or in my mind reason Why guys?!
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female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (17 September 2012):
Most men don't continue the charade of being interested in someone if he is no longer interested in her and lives a long a train ride away. I think something may have happened that has prevented him from contacting you.
It is very possible that he lost his phone and no longer has your number. My phone only has the numbers store in the memory an on the SIM card. If i lose my phone, I lose the contents of my address book.
Have you tried googling his name to see if he is okay?
Is there anyway you could try to find him on facebook and see if he has been online recently? If he has been online recently, he probably is not interested in continuing the relationship with you, but you could always message him and ask.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): when i grew up one thing that i learned that made my life much easier to live: dont put to much thought into what people say.I ve met lots of men in my life. What you describe is a typical behavour. I would be surprised if it was otherwise.Especially at that age you got to keep them excited all the time, otherwise they ll keep looking for short term excitment.It has absolutely nothing to do with you, this is just how they are.I kept on doing the same mistakes over and over again, having lots of sex, feeling used in a morning, very sad and dissapointed, until a day came and i said tomyself, i think im done with it.If i cant addapt the same attitude as men for casual sex, i would stop having it alltogether. Not mentioning lack of orgazms with casual partners who didnt care about me, but only about themselves, the feeling of emptyness and being used the morning after was just very unsettling.At that point i stoped believeing anything men say even remotely. I heard the same lines over and over again just to get me in bed.O, im sure not all men are the same, but vast majority that i met was like your guy.My sex life went to almost nonexistent giving me some kind of weird satisfaction. I was no longer longing for man, i knew what to expect anyway. I still managed to keep myself open to new encounters still hoping one day to find the one.there was no wondering why he dissapeared anymore, there was no wondering why he doesnt call. I was free and happy and struggling woman anymore.I would still occasionaly date, dismissing men that didnt behave very fast. My mother would tell me i dont give them chance. O, i gave plenty of them many many chances, enough for several lives.i was around your age when i met my husband. No ussual BS, just a nice guy without any tricks. i explained to him that there will be no sex for awhile and told him why. He only said, who said anything about sex? we dated for 2.5 months. he even met my family before we became intimate.We didnt wait long, we knew that was it. We got married a year later. Now 12 years later, we have a beatifull daughter together, i look back at my little adventure, remebering all the dissapearing guys, and just shake my head in disbelief that it was me doing all this expecting some positive outcome.Perfectly nice guys dont dissapear, thats all i want to say.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (17 September 2012):
 Hi
In the afterglow of the weekend you spent together he was probably all for repeating the experience.Lets face it,from his point of view he hit the jackpot meeting you and it was probably like induldging in a fantasy.
I always think the nice guys are the worst, at least with the bad boys you know where you stand and go in eyes wide open.This man had his fun,loved it, now real life has taken over and he's gone with the flow.He doesn't need to explain really as you barely knew each other.
Ships that pass in the night.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 September 2012):
 WE guys are interesting - but not very complex - creatures.
What's most important for you to know is that we do virtually ALL of our thinking with our "lower" brain... AND, that brain only "works" whilest in the warm, soft environment of a woman's vagina....
The stereotype of the "hit and run" man.... who will bed a woman and then never show up or speak to her again... did NOT come about in a vacuum. It (the stereotype) exists because it is a reasonable facsimile of male behaviour.
It "sounds" as if you have had the luxury of being one of the lucky women who has incurred that behaviour and its unpleasant aftermath....
I'll give you about 50 to 1 odds that you will EVER hear from this guy again.... BUT, 1 to 1 odds that you'll "hear from" him again IF (and WHEN) he next travels to your city to either conduct business or visit his (other) "friends."
... and that will be because he thinks he has, in you, solid enough interest so that he can repeat his last escapade with you...
You can only kiss off that last experience and decide if you will be gullible enough to incur another when it presents itself....
I'm sorry that you had to endure this.... NOT ALL guys are like this... but those who AREN'T are so rare that there's not likely to be any change in the stereotype any time soon.
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 September 2012):
 I agree with Aunty Em...
you guys just moved WAY too fast... you both liked each other and got sucked up in the joy and feelings that are the first times...
then reality reared it's ugly head.
I do not think it was the distance or your age...
it's him.... men in general from what I've read and seen in life tend to come on like gang busters and then crash and burn....
I started an LDR with a guy 13 years younger than me... I met him at a convention in 2009 and then again in 2010... in August 2010 I let him know I was interested... in November 2011 at another convention I saw him again and made it VERY clear that he had no choice but to be my playtoy (my plan was just fun and games with him) for a few games of slap and tickle. I went to visit him at his place in December 2010 for one overnight visit with NO sexual play at all not even kissing....
January 2011 Was another visit to his place with similar behavior... the second January visit we consummated the relationship.... then we had an entire weekend in February 2011... By March 2011 we knew were were serious... and by June 2011 we were basically as inseparable as two people who lived 2 hours by car apart could be.... (basically we went 3or 4 nights a week without each other but had long weekends every weekend)... January 2012 he gave up his apartmetment and moved in with me... and We are getting married two weeks from Saturday.....
the point I'm making is that I was NOT interested in a serious relationship with him... I was NOT looking for a marriage or anything more than a casual FWB... we LIKED each other...the love grew over time..
he and I talked about it once and we realized that had I been LOOKING for a "real" relationship with him he would have sensed it and backed off out of fear... the fact that I was not interested in him as a long term romantic partner (I was in an open marriage when we met so I truly was not thinking of long term or serious with him) gave him the chance to grow his feelings for me over time... it gave him a chance to miss me...
I think no matter what we do if we are looking for love people sense that.... and maybe he just got scared....
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (17 September 2012):
 To put a slightly different spin on things...
I think when people meet and it's a bit 'whirlwind' they kinda get sucked in on a good vibe and say and do a lot of stuff without really thinking of the big picture.
You got quite heavy together very quickly and had really only been in eachothers personal space for one weekend. Both of you revealed all and even made plans for him to move his job...when you get into the giddy heady bubble where, for a moment you both feel like you want the same thing it can be exciting and intoxicating...and really super difficult to keep that momentum going.
Things soon cool down to reality, you have to weigh up the pros and cons and if you cannot even work out sufficient time to spend together the cracks are going to appear.
I do not doubt that he liked you and you him, but I think after a few weeks and the cold light of day shining on things, maybe it was a little too much for him and he's done what a lot of people do when they cannot face dissapointing someone...they do a moonlight flit and you are left in tears.
I am sorry this happened to you, it's really upsetting and annoying to be left hanging but there isn't much you can do other than accept it. He may resurface, there is always that possibility, but for now I think it's wise to leave it and get on with your life.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (17 September 2012):
 I'm not a guy I'm afraid, but I have plenty of experience with this, and even a story where the guy who stopped talking to me got back in touch and explained himself!
So here is the story - basically I met this guy online, we got on really well so met up, went on a few dates and we really liked each other. I could tell he was really into me so I thought all was going well. However he then goes a little off with me over text, so I asked if everything was ok and he said 'we need to get to know each other better'. I said ok, I agree, lets keep on dating and just see how things go'. Never heard from him after that text, no explanation, just silence! Fast forward 2 and half years, I am back on a different online dating site and who contacts me? I was amazed he was brave enough to do so, and I asked him why he did that all those years ago - he apologized and said that he got cold feet, he was scared of how much he liked me and very much regretted the way he behaved. I forgave him, we met up again a few times, things were exactly as they were before and I thought all was good. Guess what - he did the same thing again, ignoring me again for no reason!
Moral of the story - some men are just cowards that cannot tell you the truth. I dont know what went on with him the second time around, I cant imagine its cold feet again! He was a perfectly nice guy, great job, nice house, just your average nice guy.
It happened a few other times to me too, one guy went quiet on me, I gave up on him to find a few months later he had a new girlfriend (who is now his wife!). We did live quite far apart, he was 9 years older and we werent sure how it was going to work. Why did this one go cold on me? I think I simply wasnt quite what he was looking for, and it was the wrong timing for him. One other story, we were really getting on well, so much so we had made it official and were starting to tell friends and family about each other etc. He goes quiet for no reason whatsoever, to this day I still wonder what the hell happened there. I think if I'm being realistic we didnt get on all that well in the bedroom (was a bit awkward) and we were quite different as people, so we werent quite right for each other in retrospect.
So why did your guy go quiet? A) he is a coward, like the men I met and is not brave enough to give you an honest reason why he doesnt want to continue your relationship. He obviously finds it easier to go silent on you than have an adult conversation about why this isnt going to work. B) I think it is probably the age different and long distance that are the main reasons behind this - he has probably realised that aged 24 he is not going to be compatible with a 34 year old woman, he will know that you will probably want marriage and kids fairly soon, whereas he might not want that for another 5-10 years, so long term this just wont work.
I know its hard when they dont give you any indication that they are cooling off, it seems he had a moment of realisation that this isnt going to work and because he is a coward has chosen to ignore you rather than being honest with you.
Think yourself lucky you have had an escape from a cowardly man with no manners - that was how I got over the guys that did this to me, I realised that if a man is capable of behaving like that well I dont want anything to do with a man like that, I want an honest, open man who is capable of talking about how he feels.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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