A
female
age
36-40,
*issVee1223
writes:I am asking this question on here because I am not sure what to think at the moment and need an outsiders perspective. I have been dating my boyfriend for about 1 1/2 yrs now. About 8 months ago we had a break up because I found text messages he sent to his babymama that lead me to believe that he was not over her. He sounded hurt by their break up that happened 4yrs ago (she cheated on him in their own home then left him and moved to another state). He also dedicated a love song to her. I left him the night I found out. Six months went by of him telling me he was sorry and that he wanted another chance. I have very strong feelings for him and thought about it for quite sometime. So almost two months ago we got back together but I still have doubts in my mind that he never sorted through his feelings about her and may still have feelings for her. When we got back together he assured me that he doesnt want her but that they have a good relationship because of their son and that he loves me and wants to settle down with me (he had never said he loved me before). Since I have my doubts and insecurities about it, I find myself constantly checking his phone now. There texts are mostly about the baby but at times they send each other random funny texts and they always thank each other for having the baby. She has a boyfriend but I guess they are having problems because they were talking about it. And nowhere does he ever mention me. I feel that they should only be talking about the baby, nothing more nothing less. He also tells her things he doesnt even tell me. At times he brings her up in random conversations, never really saying anything positive about her (which I think is a red flag). However, he has been very different this time around. He takes me out on more dates, wants to spend a lot of time with me, opened up to me about personal things, and just over all made lots of efforts more then ever before. Does things for me that he has never done. He even told me he wanted to hang out with my family more,which he had never done before either. This is what confuses me. I want to ask him straight out since I am usually an honest person but I did go through his phone without him knowing. Do you think he still has feelings for her or am I just being too insecure? I just need some advice. If I do find out there are still feelings, I want out of the relationship for good. I deserve to be someones first choice only....never second choice.
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a break, got back together, has a boyfriend, his ex, insecure, she has a boyfriend, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, MissVee1223 +, writes (18 September 2012):
MissVee1223 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. You are all right. Honesty is best and I should be able to speak with him. Snooping around his back is wrong and I am upset that I even did that. I mean we do speak about everything else so I really shouldnt make it a big deal. Hopefully after speaking with him I can put my insecurities at ease and I can just enjoy my relationship and let it flourish.
Thanks again and any other opinions/responses/advice are greatly appriciated!
A
female
reader, capricorn7  +, writes (17 September 2012):
I can only answer from my own experience here but I have just been through very similar , only there were no kids involved. I think this relationship will eventually erode your self esteem and undermine your self worth if you let it. you must tell him how you feel .... The fact that he has said he loves you recently and wants to get more involved with you and your family is a good sign and perhaps it would be worth holding out to see if he maintains his promises. I would try and stop reading his phone if you can ... it will only destroy you in the long run. I have realised that you need to trust your instincts here , I am going through a very painful break up because of a similar situation and my heart really goes out to you .... There will always be problems we know in having a relationship but playing second fiddle to an ex will always end in heartbreak .... I truly wish you the best of luck ... try and relax from it for a while if you can and see if things improve before making a decision. xxxxx
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 September 2012):
 why is him not saying positive things about her a red flag?
I am sure he has feelings for her as a person.. she is the mother of his child after all.
My ex husband who is the father of my children... I think kindly of him...do I want to get back with him? NO
are we civil and friendly? yes and always were.. and in much more contact when the babies were little... in fact when they were very small we had pretty much DAILY contact... phone calls as texts were not around then...
you should not be going through his phone.
you do not trust him
and you need to either stop snooping or end the relationship.
sounds to me like you are going to ruin a good thing.
have you told him how insecure you feel and why?
you must tell him you snooped
and you must ASK HIM and TALK TO HIM
if you can't ask and talk to him then you need to get out of the relationship as there should be NO secrets between a couple...
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A
female
reader, Peonysheart +, writes (17 September 2012):
 Honesty works best. Be honest and tell him you looked because you still have some trust issues since the situation presented itself the first time. You have to be honest with him as he needs to be with you. Ask him your questions and listen to what he has to say. Tell him how you feel. If you cant talk to the man your with your relationship will never work anyways.
Best wishes
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 September 2012):
 In my experience, everyone horbors feelings about their ex some good some bad. the question is what we do about it. if you are the insecure type that is going to worry that you're not the only one then you will always have a problem no matter who you are with( I ought to know).
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