A
female
age
41-50,
*hylittleone81
writes:I began this relationship with my lover over 9 years ago and up until a 2 weeks ago believed that he was married because he told me so. He revealed in an online conversation that he was never legally married to the woman he claimed as his wife. Now I'm not sure what to do? I want to believe him because I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. But how would I do that? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 February 2014):
 Where to go from here ?... Anywhere BUT in the direction you took before.
There's no point in scolding you now for what you have done, or for having been too naive too cynical too complacent etc.etc- what is done is done. But, in order to not do anything similar in future, you may want to chew on this :
assuming that the 81 in your nickname is your year of birth, you'd be 33 now, and this means you have wasted the years from 24 to 33 in a pipe dream. You are still very young, of course, but no, you don't have other 9 years to waste if you want something solid, durable and future oriented. If you want a husband and children, a life long or at least long lasting marriage or cohabitation, or ,in case you are not into permanent things, at the very least an adult relationship ( or relationships ) where you don't have to hide, lie and demean yourself. If you want the chance to live your next relationship ( or relationships ) with pride, integrity and serenity, you don't have other 9 years for infatuation, pipe dreams, clandestine shenanigans and capricious "explorations ". You have to decide what you want from love and men, and act consequently, which obviously includes adopting more stringent, discriminating selection crieria and stay well away from taken men and assorted bullshitters.
A
female
reader, Shylittleone81 +, writes (12 February 2014):
Shylittleone81 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRight again... I was content to believe he was married while sleeping with him and he's lying to both of us... Now it's just to figure out where to go from here
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A
female
reader, Shylittleone81 +, writes (12 February 2014):
Shylittleone81 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanted to let you all know that you all were right... I didn't want to see him for who he truly was... 9 years? How could I have been so blind? He dumped on me in her favor again...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 February 2014):
 What difference would it make if he was legally or morally married to a woman he was lying to about having an affair with you?
I guess it's OK to lie to your life partner but not your mistress according to you OP?
He was a liar from the get-go and you know this. He lied to her about you... what made you think he would not like to you about her?
What do you want advice on? If you wanted to leave a liar you never would have been with him in the first place.
If you think that you have more leverage to break them up now that you know they are not married legally (trust me that for many is just a piece of paper. So seeking advice on how to get a lying cheat of a man to end a relationship is not very prudent.
My father has been with his current partner for 18 years. They are NOT legally married but they might as well be. THEY live together, they own a home together. I refer to her as my QSM (quasi-stepmother) HER grandchildren call my father POP-POP and didn't even know they were not LEGALLY married. The piece of paper for them would NOT matter in any way shape or form which is probably the same for you.
Not sure what benefit of the doubt you want to give him.
what are you seeking to accomplish from our advice?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 February 2014):
 Oh yes the irony, the irony! Good call female anonymous!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 February 2014):
 So it was OK to be the "mistress" of a married man (who would be lying to a WIFE) but you don't like the idea him lying to you about NOT being married?
9 years you wasted being something of a side-dish to him and THIS upset you the most?
It's actually pretty EASY to find out if he was/is legally married. And it's about $9.99 (around there) you can try MANY different websites like http://www.beenverified.com
Depending on the state he could be in a common law relationship,which is why he called her his wife even though "technically" she wasn't?
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (6 February 2014):
 The guy lied to you, simple and basic. More than likely he also lied to the other woman about things also. You have a relationship built on mistrust with a weak foundation to build upon. He has been using and giving you lies for the past 9 years. He has been having his cake and eating it too.He will more than likely tell you more lies to keep you around so he won't loose you. My question is "if you have been lied to for the past nine years how will you ever be able to trust him again, how will you know if anything he tells you is the truth, or a mixed truth?"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2014): Gotta love the irony there! You were happy enough to have sex with a man, with the understanding that you and he were deceiving his wife, and then you're suprised that he lied to you!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (6 February 2014):
 What do you want to believe? That he is married or he isn't?
The guy has lied to you but you have also knowingly been hooked up with a guy who's sleeping with someone else...
Do you want all the lies and bad stuff to go away so you can be happy??? He lied for 9 years and is going between two women!!! This IS NOT a good man...good luck!
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