A
female
age
51-59,
*ee4ever
writes:I met someone new. My husband and I were having problems. I was 8 months pregnant and he decided it was best for me to go live with my parents out of state. I don't want to get into the specifics of the problems but it did not involve cheating in any way and my husband was right to be upset is all I can say. This was almost a year ago. I had the baby and he's visited twice, I have gone to see him once. I used to cry myself to sleep every night due to lonliness. I met someone in Dec, also married and unhappy. It started as a strong friendship and it's developed into a deep love. We talk about ending up together. The question I have is; should I give up the chance for love and happiness so that my daughter can have her father and a real family. I want to be selfish and stay with my b/f because I really do see a strong future. My husband was always unaffectionate. We didn't have sex at all last year. Told me he only loved me twice last year even though I begged him to say it. Been together 15 years, that's how he's always been. Never knew real honest affection till now. Husbands not a bad man and now that he feels me pulling away he's allowing me to come back home. For my daughters sake.., should I settle? I wouldn't think of leaving him ever but my love for my b/f is so strong.... By the way my husband is visiting next week. My b/f and I have made a pact to tell our spouses during this time that we want out (if I decide to do this). B/f does not have children. Please please help me... Need neutral advice
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female
reader, Bee4ever +, writes (22 March 2009):
Bee4ever is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank the people who were kind of enough to respond. Your answers have given me some strength to face and possibly make tough decisions but I know that in the end my daughter will be happy and well adjusted if I am. Thankyou
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): What do you think would be better for your daughter - a stable relationship with your boyfriend or an unstable one with her Dad?
I think you're probably thinking the first one (which is what I'm thinking too =])
As long as your boyfriend is serious about being with you, and your daughter and her father will still see each other regularly and she is brought up to understand the situation, then I would follow your heart rather than your head =]
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (18 March 2009):
 There are two things to be addressed here. 1. Technically, you are separated from your husband. Legally you are still married. So is your current love interest, he too is legally married (and not separated from his wife). You are a good person, you don't want to hurt anyone. Not your husband, not you boyfriend's wife.2. You are lonely. Your happiness comes from within yourself. Being lonely at times [not all the time] is natural in your condition right now. You have a small child, you live with your parents, the father of your child is not with you, you are unsure whether to stay in your current situation or return to your husband, your old friends are already busy with their families and work. You need to adress those two issues first before you consider taking the next lifelong committment.There is no such thing as an ex-daughter. Your husband may be an ex [should you decide to divorce him]. Your daughter will always be his daughter, whatever "legal" status you and your husband are in. It is a biological fact.In some cultures, returning the wife to her parents already means an official "separation", stage 1. Stage 2 is establishing communication to decide whether or not a reconciliation is possible. Stage 3 is going through a council or court, should the reconciliation efforts disintegrated. This last stage is meant to finalize divorce and announce it to the public. So you need to go into yourself deeply and honestly on how you feel about your marriage to your husband. This is about you and your daughter. It is not about your husband, not about your boyfriend. Think of what you are "teaching" your daughter, if you are only providing a "stable family" environment in its facade glory, but a loveless marriage between you and your husband nevertheless. Having said that, if you did not mind that, because it provides financial security and home comforts for you and your daughter, and you are fine with you, then so be it.You know your husband better than us. If he only said the L word twice a year, he may or may not change that "habit" once you and your daughter moved back in. Your husband may be inviting you to move back in for any or both of the following reasons: (a) he wants to be around his daughter, or (b) he wants to work it out with you to re-establish the relationship.Ask your husband what he wants in the relationshiop with you. Tell him what YOU want too, in this relationship. In your life. If you are satisfied [or dissatisfied] with his answers and the ensuing discussion, because you yourself have done your own soul-searching, then you have your asnwer there already. Good luck, and I sincerely hope that you will soon reunite with your inner happiness.Cat
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (18 March 2009):
Divorce your husband. Your daughter will not thank you for bringing her up in an unhappy home.
Then you can say to this guy that claims to love you that you are here if he wants you.
IF he leaves and divorces his wife then great, be with him.
If he says that he has to stay married "until the right time" or what ever else then run a mile.
By all means find someone who loves you and makes you happy and form a new family for your daughter. But pick someone who is single and available to actually do it rather than keep you as a dirty secret on the side.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): i agree with the guy below me do whatever you feel will make you happy don't go back to him just because now he wants you back it's unfair for you to live in an unhappy environment i am sure you don't want your daughter to feel awkward with you and your husband there it'll be a bad effect on her i'm sure he will always be there for your daughter no matter what he's still her father and i am sure she will just want her mum to be happy and if your boyfriend makes you happy then go for it i always say never go back to the past relationships they all ended for a reason and that reason will always be there no matter what.So you won't have anymore lonley nights you'll sleep soundly knowing someone actually loves and appreciates you and your daughter will feel happy because your happy.Hope this helps :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): Since you and your husband are no longer together, it should be YOUR happiness that matters most. No matter who you live with, or marry,(for that matter), your husband will ALWAYS be your daughter's father. There is no reason you should deprive yourself of being happy in life. You only live once. Why be lonely ?
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