A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I have some relationship probelms, including my bf's financial probelms, having to bail him out, the nagging ex wife and massive fights he has with her and so on. She even sent me thretening messages. We don't live together so althogh I get incredibly angry with how he fails to deal with these issues, I can go and cool off and I cope by planning projects on my own, and that helps me a lot. Now I am really good at coping with my anger in this way, but nothing is ever resolved, and the problems are still there because he has done nothing and I can cope, so by the time I see him again I'm no longer angry and I don't fight so we have can have a nice time. Also my mom taught me you don't just leave because it's difficult, you work on it. But for how long? It's been like this for 2 years, which is how long we've been a couple. We dated for 6 months before that and took things slow so I didn't know all this stuff in detail beforehand.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (25 February 2013):
 Because you don’t live together this could go on for another 20 years! It’s something that happens inside us when we see them, our world comes together for peace sake, and when a part we get angry because nothing’s resolved. Distance is what’s keeping it together after 2 years.When two people live together the issues become compounded and stare at you in the face, making you toxic – even more angry with this person. Here there’s no escape but to face and resolve issues affecting your well-being. (This is not a suggested move to make.)Sure enough Mom taught you well! Although, what I gathered in life was; if a person cannot resolve or communicate with their ex-spouse etc; how on earth are they going to resolve conflicts with me!? I found this very insightful in gauging their character and problem solving skills for my health and well-being.Take CareCAA
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 February 2013):
 If he hasn't done a thing about this in the 2 years you have been together then OBVIOUSLY he either CAN'T be bothered or he is happy with status quo.
YOU are the one who seems unhappy about all this extra drama, so why stay?
A relationship does take work, but it shouldn't FEEL like work. And not like ONE person does all the work. Some relationship are ALL work an no play/fun - honestly, those I'd stay clear off. They make you old and bitter.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (24 February 2013):
 Ex wives are like bad rashes: they don't go away easily. This is doubly true if he has kids with her.
It sounds like, at least from your brief description, that your boyfriend has a load of troubles. Money problems don't go away on their own unless he is working towards fixing it: Is he saving money? Is he looking for better work? does he have basic money management skills? Money can be a HUGE deal killer -- especially in marriages.
Your mom is right: you do want to fight for your relationship. You have invested two years into it, but I think you need to ask yourself: what if things never did get better What if his ex-wife remains in the picture for the next 5 years? What if your boyfriend's money problems remain a constant. If you are constantly "fighting" for your relationship, you are in constant battle -- and that is not blissful harmony. The best relationships, in my opinion, are not filled with "fighting" and "working" -- each party naturally wants to please the other -- no matter what.
I think you've missed a step in your relationship. When you are dating someone, you are making a determination on whether the person you are dating is worthy of a lifetime (or at least significant) long term investment. It appears that you've forgotten to ask yourself that question and assumed that love was simply enough.
I think it is time for you to think about what YOU want. Is this the man you want to invest more time into? Is this the life you dreamed for yourself? What is nothing changes and 1 or 2 years down the road goes by -- will you be cursing yourself for not moving on?
Ultimately the decision is yours on what you do. I think it is time to take a moment and reflect where you are and what you have gotten yourself into.
Eddie
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (24 February 2013):
 It may be working for him, but it is not working for you. You would be better off out of it.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (24 February 2013):
You say this doesn’t make you angry, but clearly you are frustrated by both the problems and the way your partner deals, or rather fails to deal, with them. Your mother is right in one sense: if you leave any relationship as soon as things get difficult, you’re likely never to have a successful relationship. But if you don’t want to leave him, that doesn’t mean you should just put up with it. Perhaps you need to be firmer with him: tell him how you want him to deal with these issues, and how frustrated you have become that he doesn’t. Why doesn’t he stand up to the ex? Are there kids involved that complicate things? What’s his financial situation, do you know what steps he could take to deal with it and, more importantly, does he know this information?
You can’t carry on getting by just because your frustration usually simmers underneath the service and up to now has been controlled. If him sorting these things out or at least making an effort to, are needed to make this work, and you want it to work, you have to be more honest with him. And you also need to think about what you will do if nothing changes. All this advice assumes you want to be with him, if not then there’s nothing wrong in walking away.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 February 2013):
You ask: "But for how long? " Judging by what you've written, I'd say 20 minutes is long enough...
Good luck....
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