A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am ashamed of myself. I know that what he is going through is worse than any pain I could have, but it doesn't make my pain go away. We have been living together for a little over a year. Things were good before he moved in, then we had the typical new relationship issues of living together. Then a few months after he moved in his 28 year old son was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor. It's horrible I know. I worry about his son. I worry about him. I worry about us. The way he treats me now is so different. As if it is my fault. The affection is up and down. I talk to him about how he makes me feel and things get better for a week or so - and then it's back to ignoring me and making me feel like he wishes I wasn't here.I know what he is going through is so much worse, but I hurt everyday and I love him so much. I am so lonely.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Punchwolf, I think you made some very good points. There are many times that I feel like I am not included. I never thought about it being because he was thinking about the past. That does help me.
I do turn to friends some, but I have never wanted to share everything with friends or family because I don't want them to hold anything against him. I can forgive him because I love him and want to be with him. It is harder for others. But you are right, I need emotional support from someone else. That is partly why I turned here. It is also why I don't share my other stress or issues with him. He has enough.
We were together two years before moving in. And although I hadn't seen him in many years, we had dated in high school. I know his ex-wife and the mother of his son very well. We were friends in high school. I do not have any problems with her. I even let her spend the night here for a few days right after her son's surgery.
I am totally committed and want this to work. Sometimes I think it can, and then sometimes not so sure. I am trying to be strong.
I have told him I am trying to give him space. He says "I never said I needed you to give me space". And of course I say that is how I feel. I think he wants his space, but he still wants me to be home - not out giving him space somewhere else. But, I agree with you that I need to do more with my friends and family to give him that space anyway. I just have to find a way to make him understand I am not doing it to get away from him, just trying to cope with it all.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 February 2013):
 OP, are you saying that if you don't get what you want from a relationship ( hopefully for just a period of time ) your life STOPS ? that your relationship IS your life ? your ONLY source of gratification, validation and joy ? ... Ah well : if this is how you feel, I am afraid you'll always be in a very vulnerable position not only with this man, once the storm has passed, but with any relationship. .
Your post omitted a few very relevant things. Of course you have no obligation to pour your heart out to Dear Cupid and you can omit as much infos as you want, the problem is that in this way you can't get advice, or even just comments or opinions, that may have any real relevance on your situation and they will be necessarily partial or marginal . The things you omitted shifted the whole focus on his son's illness. Apparently, the problem is not only that , and it started before the illness.
So, yes, I have to modify my answer . A degree of emotional distance must be expected - and respected - in the case of a loved one's terminal illness. But OBVIOUSLY no illness is a justification for being regularly mean and hurtful and having emotional affairs. Nor, may I add, for exploiting your partner moneywise and making her carry financial burdens that do not belong to her.
And yes, it seem that the son's illness may be the catalyst, but not the cause, for some glitches in this relations to come up and become evident.
Yours is certainly an uncomfortable position, and I understand that you may feel stuck . Have you ever thought that he might feel the same, if he is financially dependent from you , and he needs your good heart and assistence to take proper care of a terminally ill son ( and other of his kids too? not clear about that )
As you aren't free of kicking everybody out- so he is not free of being more open and assertive in pulling his energy off this relationship and he is doing it in a more passive aggressive way than he'd do it in other circumstances.
You think that when you do so much for somebody you deserve to be shown in exchange love and devotion. It's not a wrong or irrational way of thinking, it's just that it does not happen this way IRL. It's not like when you buy snacks from a vending machine, you put in your coin of love and care , and, voila, automatically you get a bag of love and care chips from the other end. Some people will naturally return these feelings of love and care, some will push themselves to ,out of a sense of moral obligation, ... and some people really won't see a problem in taking without giving, they'll reckon it's not that they held you at gun point to make you give them stuff or do stuff for them, if you did it's because you WANTED to.
In selfish good faith or blatant bad faith, that happens quite often too, so don't be too surprised when your devotion investment does not pay off as much as you hoped.
Your best bet is always to do only what you want to do out of your heart, because it gives joy to YOU,because it feels good to YOU - no more and no less, without expectations. If you give love to GET love, or even if you think that since you gave they SHOULD give you back, - not only you may end up disappointed, but also feeling tricked and short changed as in a business transaction gone bust.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Punchwolf, I think you made some very good points. There are many times that I feel like I am not included. I never thought about it being because he was thinking about the past. That does help me. I do turn to friends some, but I have never wanted to share everything with friends or family because I don't want them to hold anything against him. I can forgive him because I love him and want to be with him. It is harder for others. But you are right, I need emotional support from someone else. That is partly why I turned here. It is also why I don't share my other stress or issues with him. He has enough.We were together two years before moving in. And although I hadn't seen him in many years, we had dated in high school. I know his ex-wife and the mother of his son very well. We were friends in high school. I do not have any problems with her. I even let her spend the night here for a few days right after her son's surgery. I am totally committed and want this to work. Sometimes I think it can, and then sometimes not so sure. I am trying to be strong.I have told him I am trying to give him space. He says "I never said I needed you to give me space". And of course I say that is how I feel. I think he wants his space, but he still wants me to be home - not out giving him space somewhere else. But, I agree with you that I need to do more with my friends and family to give him that space anyway. I just have to find a way to make him understand I am not doing it to get away from him, just trying to cope with it all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2013): How would u feel if your child was dying and he comes to you and say I know your child is dying and you are going through the most difficult time in you're life. I want you to be more affectionate. Worry about me sometimes. Could you put your thoughts of your fears and worry of your son and kiss, hug, and show me some attention? That's pretty much what you're saying do you see how that sounds?When someone is going through something traumatic, the other person should put themselves in their shoes ans show compassion! Wouldn't you want it if it were you? Think about it. I pray that your partners son recovers and wish him well. Best wishes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2013): I totally agree with sage. While what he is going through is awful, it doesn't give him a free pass to treat you however he likes and expect you to put up with it. I also agree with Punchwolf that you are going to need to start looking after yourself if you want this to work. He is obviously incapable/unwilling to provide the things you need him to right now, and talking about it hasn't worked, so to save your own sanity I think you are going to need to take a step back and give him all the space he needs. I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help, but if you don't want to leave then accepting all he is offering right now is all you can do. Hopefully things will return to normal after he has had time to grieve.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo Cindy, are you saying that I should give up on my life because someone else's problem is worse than mine... that life should just stop for me too. I do not think I am making this all about me. If I was, we would not still be together. It is not all about me, but part of it is about me. Shouldn't we expect love and happiness from our relationships? Shouldn't we care about ourselves? Even though my pain is not terminal, it is still there - and I share his pain. My children have grown close to his son and I fear the pain they are going to go through. And, I have other stress in my life that doesn't help. I try not to burden him with any of that.
I am sure you will tell me to leave if I am not happy, but I can't do that. That is so much easier said than done - financially and emotionally. This is actually my house. I will not throw a man and his children out on the streets - especially with one dying. I am not a bad person. However, if he cheats, I will throw him out, but his kids can stay. And yes, he has been mean and hurtful; I just didn't mention it all in my original post. I guess I didn't include everything I am going through. Maybe these sites aren't the best way to find the answers, because it is hard to mention everything that has happened. I just thought it might help me to have someone to "talk" to.
I seem to think more like Sage. I think that when I do so much for someone every single day that I deserve to be treated in a way that shows appreciation and love. If he never showed it, then maybe I wouldn't be so confused. I have given him a "pass" for a long time. When I do talk to him about what is bothering me, he gets better for a little while. He even agrees with me that he has been distant. It just seems to fade and he goes back to being distant.
Obviously Cindy, you and I feel differently. Yes, people are different. If I was going through what he is going through, I would want someone there for me. I wouldn't push them away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess it's hard in a post like this to really get everything about the relationship in. I left out a couple of things because I didn't want to bad mouth the man. Back in July he sent some texts to some women that has caused my insecurity. He beggd me to forgive him, promised nothing else ever happened, said he guessed he was just feeling sory for himself. I have forgiven him for that and am trying to believe that is not happening anymore and that nothing ever happened besides the texts. I guess my issue is wondeing does he want to be with someone else - is that why he is treating me like this or is it because of his son. Please understand I'm not the selfish person you seem to think I am. His son has moved in with us. I help take care of him. I do all the cooking and cleaning and buy most of the groceries. He has 3 kids living here and I do everything I can for him and his kids .He recently retired so he could spend more time with his son, which has increased my financial burden. Walking away is not so easy. We just finished building a house together I had already started building it before we met. he finished. it it's on family property and like I said, he has 3 kids living here. I can't walk away.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 February 2013):
Sage, ( says Cindy sadly shaking her head ), I am a fan of yours and often I see things the way you do, but definitely not this time. In fact, although obviously there are different opinions about every issue, and it is a GREAT thing that there are and we can confront them, discuss them, learn from each other, and realize that there are many different ways to skin some cat, this time I really can't wrap around my head to how could we , or the OP , ask this man to be, right now, more nurturing of his relationship, more attentive , etc.
Btw, the OP does not say he is being incivil or mean , just that his affections are up and down .
" As if it's my fault " No, OP, it's not your fault and he does not think it is your fault, unless he is crazy. You are making this all about you, but it's not about you. Just, his mind is a bit taken right now, he is a bit preoocupied with other stuff . Stuff like the premature , possibly painful death of a young son afflicted by a very cruel illness that in most cases alters not just the patient's body but his personality and mind as well.
And no, he does not wish that you weren't there- or , in fact, maybe he does , some times , but you know why ? it's nothing personal, you may be his favourite person in the whole world, he just wishes you weren't there because he just wishes NOBODY was there, he just wishes he could be DEAD and buried and gone, and not to say one more word or do one more gesture or think one more thought . He just wishes that he would not have to FEEL anything, good or bad, love or pain.
" Enough is enough " ? " man up " ? Sage, this is not the loss of a good job, or a divorce, or being evicted. This man will "man up ", eventually, will overcome his grief and move on from it,somehow... because life is always stronger and life 's motion is irresistibly forward.
But, right now, asking him to devote the same equal attention to his 28 y.o. dieing son, and to the lady that, after a somewhat rocky start, he is living with since one year ( although I am sure she is totally deserving of his attention and affection ) - is both unrealistic and inhuman.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 February 2013):
 We guys are noted for retreating to our caves, in an effort to get away from the world, when things get rough for us...
HOWEVER, regardless of how rough our moment-in-time is, we (guys) should never forget to be civil to those of us who love us. It's noble that you are willing to go as far as you have to validate his behaviour, and, effectively, give him a "Pass" for it....
BUT, now it's time for him to "man up" and either return to the acceptable behaviour that you once saw in him... OR, you would be justified to say, "Enough is enough. You can sit and lick your wounds for as long as you wish... but I am not going to pay the price of your selfish and unpleasant behaviour." Once you've said that (to him) give him a day or two to absorb it... and... if you see no change(s), walk away from him....
Good luck...
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 February 2013):
For Pete's sake, grow a thicker skin . Stiff upper lip and bear it , and, possibly, without squeaking a pip .
His son has been diagnosed at age 28 with a terminal brain tumor... and you wonder that your man's affection may be a little up and down, that he may be a tad moody some times ? well, I 'd wonder how does he manage to invest ANY emotional energy in cuddles and romance right now. He must be a really strong man, and really love you a lot.
Let him be. I think this not the appropriate time to dwelve on " where are we going " or " how do we fix this " talks. You don't have to be ashamed of your feelings, but you have to be adult and sensible, and keep them in check.
You won't die of loneliness. At least , albeit painful, loneliness has this advantage over terminal brain tumor, doesn't it ?
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