A
female
age
36-40,
*nwonted
writes:How do I forgive my boyfriend for cheating on me? How do I get the images of the two of them out of my head? A short background: My boyfriend broke up with me last March and slept with a girl that night. We got back together a day or two later. I didn't find out until late June (from his ex-girlfriend), and he didn't admit to doing it until August (when I was leaving him). He said an old friend had walked past his house and they went to a girl's house (he had known her for years but they weren't friends that kept in touch or anything) to hang out. When the guy friend left the room, he ended up having sex with this girl. I grilled him and asked everything - how long was it for?; what position?; did you wear a condom?; did you cum?; etc. etc. He cried and said how sorry he was, how disgusting it was, how he couldn't even finish, how it was so awkward, etc. etc. everything "right" to say? I had never even seen this coming - I had never suspected it in the least or thought he was capable of cheating on me. We had been going through months and months of fighting when he left that day, and I understand that he would be frustrated, but I don't feel it justifies the cheating. He said in his mind "we were done"...even though we got back together a couple days later.It's been 7 months. I stayed with him, but I still think about it almost every day. I wake up and picture it immediately. There are moments when I get so angry with him that I could just freak out. There are times when I cry because I am so angry at him for doing this - I think that if he hadn't done this I wouldn't have to go through this each day. If I see a girl with red hair, I think about it. If I hear anything about cheating on television, I think about it. If I hear her name in another contex, I think about it. I can still remember exactly what I was doing that night (crying on the couch, calling him over and over, driving to his city 30 miles away at 2am) and then I think that while I was miserable about him leaving and crying, HE was doing that. How do I get over this? For anyone who has forgiven a cheating partner, how did you do it? How long did it take you?
View related questions:
broke up, condom, ex girlfriend, got back together, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (25 February 2009):
 Ok. Forgive, then forget - that's what everyone is saying. Basically, you need to re-arrange your thinking, because I'm sure you realise that keeping on feeling bad is getting you nowhere, and you need to knock this on the head, stop it, change it, get rid of it, get on with yr life.
How to forgive?
1. He didn't technically cheat. He wasn't with you. Real cheating is where he sleeps with you every night and says he loves you and texts and emails when he's away and says he misses you ... and is also fucking someone else whenever he can. That is cheating. Or, for example, he goes to work in another country and you stay at home with your two little children and he calls you all the time and cries about how much he misses you, and then you discover he was calling you in the 10 mins his other woman was in the shower every night, getting ready to jump into bed with him and have sex ... the woman with whom he was living in the foreign country, and who was expecting his baby. THAT is cheating.
2. You cried and drove miles to find him. He, on the other hand, got drunk and vaguely reached out to some available female, but couldn't do it properly, because ... he loves you. He couldn't do it. It wasn't fun. He couldn't finish. It was horrible, and stupid. If he had had a night of amazing sex and loved every second, trust me he wouldn't have been back with you 2 days later ... the sex and love and woman that he needs, he finds in you. Not anybody else.
That is obvious to all of us reading what you said.
So, he didn't really cheat, in any way.
You have to be very firm with yourself. This obssessing has got into a really bad habit, and it is so destructive, sweetheart. Yes, the images you're tormenting yourself with are awful, and you're reinforcing them every time you replay them - but you've got it WRONG. It wasn't like that. So just scrap those stupid head movies and focus on him now. Any time anything bad comes in your head, just think about something NICE. You really have to be so strict. It's like giving up smoking. And it's the only way.
If you really really aren't getting anywhere, go see a hypnotherapist and let him/her help you get rid of those useless images that are only hurting you, and probably by now bear v little resemblence to what actually happened. Ditch them.
Replace them with good pictures ... him adoring you ... you two having sex. Don't picture yourselves from a distance, as two bodies - picture his face close up to yours, his eyes, his nose, his mouth ... stroke his eyebrows ... love and forgive him. Yeah, that's basically it - understand that life sometimes has these blips (and trust me, what happened is only a tiny blip in the scale of things that can go wrong!!) - understand, accept, forget ... and just love him.
nxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): you don't need to thank us - just smile. (lol thats a title of a very good song by Lily Allen you should listen to)
that will be enough for me.
I second everything Ginalolabridga has said and in fact what everyone else has said.
Just keep busy and push it out of your head with nicer thoughts.
Hugs Star.x.
...............................
A
female
reader, unwonted +, writes (25 February 2009):
unwonted is verified as being by the original poster of the question I want to thank every one who answered. A lot of the replies really hit home for me...so much that I have a different perspective on the matter and am already feeling much better in just one day.
I know it isn't going to be easy, but I printed out this page so I can read through the replies when it gets tough -so I can leave the victim role behind and get on with a happy relationship.
Thank you, thank you, thank you...I can't say it enough!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): step 1 - u forgive. but forgiveness here does NOT mean u like him or have forgotten what he did or approve of it. forgiveness here means you STOP letting it eat you up. clearly u r now way near step 1. step 2 the emotions die down & you accept what he did & genuinely forgive him. time heals BUT if u feel this deeply maybe u should break up & not even try OR try it with the pain & suffering. tough but your choice. god bless
...............................
A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (24 February 2009):
 I was cheated on over and over again. It takes as long as it takes to truely forgive. However after you forgive you have to try letting it go. If you don't it will poision the rest of your relationship until the end and most likely beyond.
Since you two were no longer a couple at the moment in time, it isn't exactly considered CHEATING. The fact that you went back together makes me wonder if you had sort of broken up like this before and then quickly returned to the same relationship. If so this could be why you view it as cheating because YOU expected him to come back. However he has stated that he believed in his mind that it was OVER. This is a big miscommunication on both parts. Interpretation and perceptive views about the breakup has caused quite a serious hurt for you.
It's ovbious he was also hurt because he cried and had said it felt disgusting. He must have had alot of deep feelings for you. This old friend apparantly brought back some other fond feelings but he wasn't really into carrying on a sexual relationship with her. This probably happened because she was there and gave him comfort. This is what is typical of a rebound. If he wanted to be with her HE WOULD BE WITH HER NOW! Think about it hon. You can't change the past, but you can let go and try working on a BRIGHTER FUTURE.
If you love this man you are going to have to set your mixed up fears, anger and disgust aside. You are going to have to face it once and for all and LET IT GO! NO HE DIDN'T CHEAT! You were SPLIT UP! She was there and he needed someone........But in only a matter of days HE CAME BACK ....LOVE MAY NOT ALWAYS BE SO OBVIOUS....BUT HE MUST LOVE YOU OR HE MAY HAVE STAYED WITH HER!
Another thing you must face is that you were also a big part of why he left. Ask yourself if what you were always argueing about was really worth loosing what you had? If he's a great guy otherwise, you should perhaps find a different way to express yourself than argueing..This WILL DRIVE MEN AWAY.....SOMETIMES SO FAR THEY WILL NEVER RETURN.
Talk things out with him one last time. Watch his body language and facial expressions. They will tell you alot. Be careful not to read them falsely.
Once you have done this, set your mind to forgetting about the little seeminly indescretion, because after all He wasn't really yours at that time. Of course what you thought was different. In his own mind though he realised that HE REALLY WAS YOURS, OR TRUST ME HE WOULDN'T HAVE RETURNED SO QUICKLY. Unless maybe you are paying all the bills, and taking care of him. Helping him thru school or paying for his vehicle and whatever else he needs..Are you getting my drift? No man is going to WALK RIGHT BACK INTO A RELATIONSHIP THAT CONSISTS OF LITTLE MORE THAN DAILY FIGHTING. So put everything into perspective and realise HE IS THREE BECAUSE HE WANTS TO BE....and again unless yada yada afore mentioned...HE MUST LOVE YOU!!!!
FORGIVE
TAKE THE TIME IT NEEDS TO HEAL, DON'T EXPECT MORE FROM HIM THAN YOU ARE WILLING TO GIVE
LAY DOWN THE BOXING GLOVES AND LEARN TO TALK WITH RESPECT AND LOVE.
WORK ON THINGS DAILY AND STOP BRINGING UP THE PAST
AND WORK ON THE PART THAT MAY BE THE HARDEST...FORGETTING
WITHOUT FORGIVENESS YOU WILL STAY WHERE YOU ARE
WITHOUT FORGETTING OR AT LEAST LETTING IT GO YOU WILL NEVER REACH HIM
IF YOU LOVE HIM YOU MUST FORGIVE AND FORGET
IT WILL HAPPEN IN TIME.........HOW LONG IS UP TO YOU
IF YOU WAIT TO LONG YOU COULD LOOSE THE MAN YOU LOVE!
MAY THE ANGELS WASH AWAY YOUR SORROWS AND THE MEMORY OF THE PAST
MAY YOU FIND THE PERFECT PLACE AND MAY YOUR LIVES BE RENEWED TO LAST!
GOD BLESS,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): Yes, I'm another victim. Mine was text cheating from my husband of 32 years. This happened 7 months ago and I'm no nearer to coming to terms with it. I know I have not been told the whole truth so that makes it worse.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): I know how you feel my wife cheated, I needed all the same answers as you she has told me all the details but yes I still have a doubts about what happened and it is coming up for a year, my stomache jumps sometimes when something will remind me about what they did and got upto,i try to forgetthe images of what they did but sometimes it cripples me,but as i love her i have to rty and forget and time is a great healer they say so lets hope for the 2 of us it is. The one most important thing is to know that you have been told th truth without that it will eat you up and eventually i have been told will put you right over the edge, so grill him until you are satisfied you know the truth if he won't be honest then you can never move on in your head. Good luck i feel for you
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): hmm it takes six times shorter than the yarn to make it - oh know thats an answer to the length of a piece of string.
it takes as long as it does is the simple answer.
There are two stages you need to go through firstly forgiving him - have you forgiven him - yes \ no answer only. If yes then we can work on stage two. I suspect the answer is no.
I think it was a one off and if you two are to be together forever, then i think one incident in a 100 years of togetherness is not worth worrying about.
If you have forgiven him then you need to forget and that doesn't happen except when you get busy with your mind doing other things - think of something else when it comes in to your head. like how you are going to shag him next or what colour curtains you want, or your favourite book or clothes or anything.
Another technique is to rate what happened on scale of 1 -10 i would give it a 4? with 10 being infinitely worse a 30 year old affair that everyone knew etc.
then rate what you have done with him - that fabulous sex or that time he did x. and score them higher e.g. 6. then you know you hold more trump cards...
Hugs Star.x.
...............................
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (24 February 2009):
 Hi dear,
Here's the thing - you keep calling him your cheating partner, your cheater boyfriend, but in reality he wasn't your boyfriend at the time. Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't be upset, sad, angry about it. I would be too. But, to forgive him you need to stop thinking of him as the guy who cheated on you, when you WEREN'T in a relationship at the time and he did the stupid thing and found an easy rebound chick to make him feel better about losing his gal. How was he to know you'd be back together?
He shouldn't have lied to you - well, lie is a big word - he shouldn't have kept his hook up from you. He should have told you right away. I'm sure he was scared of how you'd react to his stupidity.
Please remember that he was probably very distressed, especially if he really has deep and genuine feelings for you. And when your heart breaks, you're liable to do stupid things - i.e. sleeping with the first and most convenient girl you come across. This wasn't the best way of dealing with his stress and pain, but that was his solution that night. You cried and chose to deal with things by calling him over and over, seeking him out, making things right. He dealt by disconnecting himself from the situation, his mind filled up with memories of negativity, all the fighting that you had been going through - he slept with another girl to escape. I'm sure he's not happy with himself for his choice, but it is what it is.
If you can't get it out of your head, you probably shouldn't be with him. It will just drive you crazy to the end of your days, in turn driving him crazy! If you let it go, it needs to be gone forever. You can't bring it up during fights, you can't keep it as hidden ammunition for a rainy day and another fight.
I really do feel for you, I understand why you're so upset, disappointed and feel betrayed. But, with time and a determination to love him for who he is NOW and not what he did that night, you can forgive and forget.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (24 February 2009):
 A year ago my husband and I divorced because of what I thought were our "differences". Several months later, after I had several friends hinting, he finally admitted to me that he had been cheating of me for two months before our divorce with the girl he was then seeing.
I still haven't forgiven him, and I dont have to look at him every day even.
From everything you describe, I have to wonder what he is even bringing to the relationship. It doesn't sound like he is doing much except saying all the "right" things. If he makes you happy, then only a lot of openness and honesty from him, and time from you will help your heart heal. You sound like a good person, and I think maybe it's time for you to find someone who can treat you as you deserve.
...............................
A
male
reader, Tewebag +, writes (24 February 2009):
honestly your not going to what me to say this. but you and him where broken up at the time so i dont think it would be called "cheating". how was he supposed to know you would get back together in a few days. was pretty bad that he waited a few hours but still. maybe he needed a rebound to try getting over you?
...............................
A
female
reader, Annieapple +, writes (24 February 2009):
Sorry if I've misunderstood but didn't you say you and your boyfriend had split up that day? If so then he didn't cheat since you weren't together at the time. It was very soon after the break up but maybe it was just his way of dealing with the pain
...............................
|
