A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, For anyone out there who has been cheated on.. can you tell me when the pain starts to subside? Only three weeks ago, I found out my boyfriend of eight years has been having an affair for the past year - and possibly the entire time we've been together.. but I can't know that for sure.I try to keep busy during the days, but at night it always hits me again like a tonne of bricks.. that the man who I would've trusted with my life.. the man I was hoping to one day marry.. could be carrying on a secret life behind my back. I feel just as much in shock about it as the day I found out.The girl he's left me for is the absolute opposite to me - all she wants to do is drink, party and well.. you can guess what else. I happen to know this girl and she knows me. I had NO idea she'd gotten her claws into him.. but the things I've found out make me want to be sick.After finding out, I sent my ex an email and told him I knew.. and never to come near me again. He basically sent me a nice email back wishing me well and saying goodbye. I was shocked. Eight years and he hasn't tried to come after me to explain.. so much for our friendship - we were always best friends first before we got together.. and I always thought our friendship was important to BOTH of us.It's like a bad dream I can't wake up from. Everywhere I go I'm haunted by memories.. every place in this city is somewhere we went together.. is there any way I can make this easier on myself? Has anyone else been there? Do you think he cared about me at ALL? I'm so hurt :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): Thanks everyone for your advice. I'm sorry to hear so many of you have gone through it as well :( It's just horrible.
I will look at buying that book Heather :)
A
female
reader, hmcm  +, writes (8 February 2010):
hi there, i had to reply to your question, i like you had the wind taken from my sail so to speak so ill tell you and see if you relate to it, SHOCKED to the core like my life was in slow motion and everything was surreal, i screamed with tears from the very core of my stomach, i was phisically sick couldnt eat would stare at the floor for hours, i couldnt care for my kids i lost 2 stone in a month and wanted to sleep all the time but then i didnt want to sleep because youd wake up and have 2 seconds of relief only to be hit with the realisation that my life had changed, i had to move house find a job relocate my horses i was totaly dependant on him finacially and found myself in a possition of complete dispare, then your head tortures you why, how could he do this to me , does he miss me then your fone never rings and that hurts does he even care if im alive you ask your friends the same questions then theres the big realisation that omg it really is over you thot maybe hell come running back you have hope for me it took about 2 months to start actually functioning relativly normal then the strangest thing happens you go an hour without thinking about it then a day and you find yourself flirting again and smilling and its the greatest feeling in the world, so i know how you feel, my advice is this cry your ass of write letters to him that you dont post scream if you have to but give it a curfew say a couple of months then get your ass out your bed abd force yourself to get on with things your not the kind of girl to loose your heart and mind to a heartless inconsiderate bastard, there a book its called its called a breakup cause its broken and i have to say even on my worst day i laughed my ass of at it hope you feel beter x heather
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): If you could have been a fly on the wall and seen how your boyfriend behaved with the woman he was having the affair with, believe me that would cure you and make you see that you don't want or need a man like that in your life. He took enough from you already. Try some thought refocusing when you're in bed at night. Picture a place you'd like to vaction, or a job you'd like to have. See yourself in a happier place instead of letting him steal your sleep and cause you such hurt. You're stronger than you realize. All the best.
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A
male
reader, defeated  +, writes (8 February 2010):
time will help, for me it was alot of alchol which i wouldn't tell anyone else to do. remember it was not that you were not good enough but that he was not good for you.
yes you may have loved and trusted him but love is blind, its been a year now sence my partner cheated on me, but i shouldn't have been so surprised when she did its what she has done in all of her relationship, and even now that i have given her a last chance ive found things have changed and although i love her i dont think im in love anymore.
people who cheat think only of themselves
keep ur chin up, be proud u dont have dead weight and be carefull on choosing ur next partner
good luck
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A
female
reader, puffyfluffy +, writes (6 February 2010):
a simple anserw.the best overall. it will subside when you talk to alot of guys.. left and right and by talking to all these guys it will cover that youve been cheated on. now when you talk to all these guys.. each and every one of them, your going to hate. no matter how goodlooking they are. because they are not like "Bob".So after a few weeks..look at the negative things about Bob. hate him. hate him alot and the more you feel disgusted by him and dislike him, you will laugh that you even cared that he cheated on you.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (6 February 2010):
The crying stops after about 6 months and the anger takes about a full one to two years. After I had ranted and raged daily for months at the betrayal, I started to think about what I should be grateful for. In your case think about being grateful that you never married him and committed your life to him. I found out after 3 kids, while pregnant with the third.. So I have to live with the fact that he will forever be in my life and I still have to see him!!!!
But the good news is that there is still hope for the future and meeting someone who is wonderful. I recently have and I can't even believe that I had contemplated suicide for my ex back in those dark days!! Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive was on constant replay, but now I'm celebrating a new life. All the best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010): I'm so sorry. I'm sure at one point he cared for you. But honey, if he cheated on you and wasn't decent enough to end things right with you; that's not the kind of boyfriend or friend you want to have.
I've been where you are. I don't understand why people cheat. If I ever am not satisfied in my relationship enough to feel the urge I would end it first.
It takes time. For some it's faster than others. But the night is always darkest before the sun comes up. It's a slow process, but keep yourself busy like you have been. At night, try to tire yourself out physically so you won't have time to just sit there and think.
But most importantly make as many new friends as possible. Expose yourself to new environments. This will change your routine and in effect change yourself going to the same places, etc...
You need to understand he's not worth it. Friendship wise either. It would only take you longer to get over him if you stayed friends.
He is such a wuss for not even giving you a face to face explaination.
The Lord made us beautifully to survive anything. Know you will meet the right man for you and you will think back to this moment and will be grateful it happened because it made you available for him. Good luck. Hang in there.
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A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (6 February 2010):
 For me the worst of it lessened over several months, took a good few years to really get over, and we did stay together another 16 years, ... but I had to suffer annual reminders because I found out about it on our anniverssay.
I ended up no longer even acknoweldging our anniversary - it was easier and less hutful to just let it slide past and hope I missed noticing the actual day. So I suppose it robbed certain things for the rest of our time together, ... and without getting in to a long story, I have had a serious aversion (nay hatred) for the color aqua that has lasted until this day even tho we have now split up. I just can't see that color without thinking of 'her'. Makes me cringe!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (6 February 2010):
 Hi. I know this is really hurting you, because you've posted about it several times now. No matter how many times you post about it, I'm afraid you're going to get relatively the same answers. First of all, its going to hurt...for a very long time. You have to find a way to work through the pain. There is no magical pill that you can take, although I sure wish there was! You have to find a way to accept what happened, and not let it destroy you. Whatever his reasons were, no matter how long he was cheating, the fact is that he's gone, and he's moving on, and obviously he doesn't really care how you are. Otherwise, he couldn't have been so cold and just ended it the way he did. Who knows why he hooked up with the chick he picked? Only he knows, and maybe even he doesn't really know. You have got to take care of yourself now and stop thinking about the "what ifs". You may never get the answers to all of your questions. Surround yourself with family, friends, GET OUT..do not stay at home and dwell on everything. Make NEW memories. Yes, I do know how hard it is, I was blindsighted just like you from my b/f of 8 years. Its hell sweetie, and there's nothing you can really do about it, except ride it out. That was a year ago for me, and I'm just now starting to get to the point where I'm feeling better. It takes time, there just isn't any other way. Some people start dating right away, it seems to help them. For me, dating wasn't even an option. I just couldn't. I find new hobbies, avoided places that reminded me of him. Obviously you can't avoid everywhere..but don't go places where you have "special memories". I didn't play sad songs, and I put all of the reminders of him away. does it still hurt? yes, very very much...but I know now that in the long run he probably did me a favor. I'm older, and wiser, and yes, sadder. But you WILL survive this, I promise you. Take care of yourself. I promise it does get easier. You're going to have very very bad days (like you, its always worse at night for me)..but eventually you will have more good days than bad. Stay strong. You will be alright.
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