A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone.OMG!!!! I just fooled around with a MARRIED MAN last night!!! I am such a mess. I really need some help from all of you!!!!!We work together and he suggested we meet outside the workplace for coffee. We talked for a couple of hours and he told me he found me attractive and liked me the moment he met me. He said that I was beautiful and had so many thoughts in his mind but was afraid of rejection. I encouraged him to open up and say what was on his mind. He asked me how we could take things further. He told me how he loved his wife and would never leave her. Essentially he had nothing to offer me and wanted to be honest. He told me how his wife was asexual and did not like having sex because it was painful for her. So he has not had sex with her for seven years. He and I are 15 years apart. We have great conversation together and clearly there is a physical spark between us. I told him I also had feelings for him and found him sexually attractive.He then proceeded to hold my hand, stroke my hair and we had some intense eye contact going. This led to leaving the restaurant where we had drinks and went back to his place. His wife was out of town. So we made out. A lot of kissing, heavy petty and he gave me oral sex. It felt amazing in the moment.I felt so happy and at the same so miserable. Because he won't leave her. I told him it is too late anyway. Whether anything happened physically or not, I had feelings for him anyway. So he was damned if he did and damned if he didn't.He told me he could not go through with an affair. He felt guilty and did not want to hurt his wife. In order not to hurt his wife, he had to hurt me. He also said that he would give me oral sex anytime I wanted it because he loved doing that to me.He said he has never felt this way before or has never cheated before with anyone while married to both of his wives.What am I supposed to make of this? Why would he fool around with me and then decided it was wrong? Could he not have realized that before? I told him I was a big girl and chose to put myself in this position because I felt vulnerable and just needed to feel good. He said he just wants to see me happy.I have to face him at work today. We have a company picnic. And I have to work with him now. I told him how can we go back to how things used to be now? He said we could. We just have to be adults. I might find this a little hard after what has happened and after already having feelings for him.What am I supposed to make of this? And how do I deal with my feelings of guilt and shame?He felt that he was absolving himself of any wrong doing by telling me that he would never leave? But he went ahead and fooled around with me anyway.I could really use some help. I am feeling elated but way more rotten and stupid for doing what I did. I feel like I created a mess for myself.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (12 June 2013):
 Anon reader, I understand what you are saying. I judge the married man first and foremost for being cheating, using, pond scum, and I don't care who objects.
Keep in mind -- she is an ACCOMPLICE to his cheating. I don't know about Canada, but in the U.S., there are some states where the wife could sue HER for "Alienation of Affection", which is where the deserted spouse can bring legal action against the third party (i.e. the Mistress) for breaking up the marriage.
The biggest crime is the man's, but don't think for a second that she's off the hook merely because she's not cheating on her own significant other. The man isn't off the hook merely because he was straight with the OP that he's only interested in her as a penis holder at his whim. How nauseatingly noble of him.
Personally, I didn't consider the OP to be "evil". I consider her ignorant, I pity the indescribable emotional suffering and agony that is going to await her when she looks back on this affair as one of the greatest mistakes she's ever made.
Every second she's his breathing sex toy, she's squandering her beauty, her youth, her time on NOTHING. She'll feel used up (she got a taste of it at the beginning of this post before he put the moves on her again, causing her to go into denial). She's swallowed the lie that she can't help it, that she's helpless to stop, which means that she's in a really bad spot in her life.
I don't get harsh to judge how evil she is. I am abrupt because I'm trying to crack the denial, the desperation, the lying to herself, and his lying to her and using her as a semen carafe. If she so much as took control and the scales drop from her eyes to see him for the scum sucking user he is, she'll break free, and that's what I want to see!
So maybe she'll awaken from her "DON'T JUDGE" coma and start making real steps towards taking her life back. Seriously, if she's describing the affair as something she has no control over, she's in a really really unhealthy state, and it'll only get worse, because he is not her friend, nor is he good for her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): To everyone on this board, chiding this women for being the other women, keep in mind it is NOT HER RELATIONSHIP. She did not make the commitment to his wife, HE DID, so I would think thrice about putting the blame on OP.
He can be your tart, that's fine. Just keep yourself in check emotional about what this relationship is, a fun sexcapade, nothing more and less. I've said it before, he's been very straight forward with not be able to give you a committed relationship. So, as long as you are clear on boundaries, do as you desire.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh Oh. I have definitely opened up a firestorm of controversy!!!
I know you are all right. I give up. But I have been honest and put myself out there and I am being judged by all of you because of it. I can understand why and saw it coming. But even so, some of you are a little too harsh. I am not an evil person and I do not deserve such harshness.
I think any person who is perfect has earned the right to judge others.
He and I both know it is wrong on all levels and there is a huge struggle with the conscience, trust me. We have talked about all of the implications and why it is not a good idea. BUT somehow the physical attraction takes over and we allow it to conquer everything else.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 June 2013):
 Ahhhhh the high-riding bitch approaches!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 June 2013):
And closer, and closer, and.....
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 June 2013):
"No I do not see myself as his tart. Why can't he be my tart? Put very simply... He has fallen for the beauty and charm and youth of a younger woman. Very typical of men his age."
You're *his* tart because he's married, he's alienating affection from his wife, treating her like slime, and you're a willing accomplice to devastating an innocent wife who is living her life and making her decisions as if she were part of a team while he's off USING you.
He doesn't value you. He values the orgasm you give him, and the ability to toss you aside afterwards until he feels like playing with you again. The whole "feel good seduction" stuff will drop off as soon as he discards you like a used condom. You can't date him. He can't commit to you. He can't even publicly accept you. When his wife finds out, and she WILL, he will say things to her like "She's nothing to me. It's just the sex. I love you, not her. I don't care about her. It was one time. She came onto me. I feel nothing for her. I tried to ignore her, but she kept after me. I'm only a man, and I don't want her. I want you."
Think you'll feel these warm fuzzies after that? These good feelings you have now? They'll be as intensely horrible, TIMES 100 when it all hits the fan and he starts treating you like he REALLY sees you....with disrespect and disdain. You give it up with no commitment and no relationship.
Yeah, I'd say you're *his* tart, not the other way around. The power is all in his court. When you thought he was ignoring you, you were a quivering bowl of jelly with about as much power over him as a worm on a hook. He's hooked you, alright, and now he owns you until he gets tired of you, which will be sooner than you think.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 June 2013):
 So can I assume you've dealt with your feelings of guilt and shame?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 June 2013):
AND once again I hear those furious hoof beats from a distance, but yet they seem to be getting closer, and closer and closer......
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo I do not see myself as his tart. Why can't he be my tart? Put very simply... He has fallen for the beauty and charm and youth of a younger woman. Very typical of men his age. So why not let him enjoy himself? I like him and want him to be happy. I can get anyone I want to be honest. But I am enjoying the fact that he makes me feel good and special at least while we are together because men who are my age do not seem to appreciate me the way an older man does. I guess I like the feeling. And he likes the feeling of being adored by a younger woman. The pleasure outweighs the pain... at least for the moment.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 June 2013):
 Sooo... what you're REALLY SAYING is: "I KNOW I'm this guy's tart... and I KNOW that this is ill-fated, and it's going to blow up and f**k up at least four lives... BUT, I've justified it because it's "addictive".... which is my way of saying "I like getting laid by this guy, and I ain't gonna give that up for nuthin'""
Have I got this correct??????
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone. Thank you for taking the time to respond and want to help me.
Well.... here is the latest. He was over at my place today and we spent the afternoon having sex together. I know the drill. He has told me where I stand. He came over here to tell me he can't go through with it anymore but he ended up kissing me and one thing led to another.
I am afraid it is already too late for me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): OP, the great thing is that you are fully aware that you are on a wrong path, a road of great hurt and hurting others once your affair is discovered.I think you also used the proper verbage in describing the relationship: highly addictive. This is very wise and true. But where I personally feel you are wrong, is your inability to turn away now. As a recovery alcoholic, I can tell you it is VERY POSSIBLE, to stop the moving train and live a life of sanity. Although it is difficult, you can definitely chose to walk away from the situation, but you need help.There are 12-step groups for love addiction and sex addiction, I am not saying you need this, just putting this into your awareness that these resources are available. As a women who has been in a very similar situation as you have been, I truly regret my actions and behavior, I have only few regrets in life and one of them is involving myself with a man who could not give me the love I was worthy of. So much time wasted, in ultimately the name of infatuation and lust, where I could have invested that energy in a actual loving committed relationship. Be advised, he has been honest with you and he will not leave his wife for you. If you do continue with this man, know that it is just a sexual relationship for him, plain and simple. You might be experiencing it on a different level, but OP he is not. I am not saying he might not develop feeling for you, but he is also not going to be able to give you the love you want. And more than likely, you will end up feeling used and resentful. But the truth is, you know the deal and if anyone is using you, it is only you. He has said from the very beginning his intentions with you, believe him, and keep this in mind as you proceed. Remember, he does not correlate sex with commitment, so don't be surprised when you develop deeper feelings and needs and he is fine with just a sexual relationship. Full disclosure has been given.Good luck to you. I sincerely wish you love, peace, and light in your journey.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (11 June 2013):
Its sad, but the smooth older married guy who "doesnt get sex from his wife anymore" but "thinks you're beautiful" is as old as time itself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much everyone for your advice. You are pointing me in the right direction.BUT... since that time we have seen each other at work and he is paying a lot of attention to me. He said he had to be discreet at the work function and had to keep his feelings under wraps.I am under the impression he would like to be intimate with me again.It is too late now. I have feelings for him. We have some sort of connection and attraction. Something like this is very hard to ignore.To the last poster, yes, I do know him well enough by now. We have had many personal conversations in the year I have known him.So now the question is will I be intimate with him again? I think the feeling of an affair unfortunately is very addictive for both people involved. It is a high that cannot be matched. I believe that when you are intimate once, you want to keep being intimate because you have tasted the forbidden fruit and you want to taste that fruit more and more...I doubt highly that despite his best intentions that he can hold off on wanting to be physical with me again. I am a fit, beautiful woman inside and out, a lot younger than he is... and he is very sexually attracted to me. It would be impossible for him to stay away. And I see him at work everyday. This does not help matters either.This is one very tangled web I am weaving.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): It sounds like you are taking responsibility for the situation you created. As you know it is not uncommon for some people to disconnect a sexual relationship with an intimate one. Love and sex are not always bedmates, especially for many men. That's why there is a huge porn industry, they may find many of the women in those movies attractive and use their image for sexual relief, and that's the end of it. Take it at face value that he loves his wife, it's not your relationship and that is his moral code(you would not want to be judge as a homewrecker).
OP, would you have felt good about yourself if he left his wife who he loves for you based on some sexual attraction you and him share? Do you really know this man on a deeper level aside from some chemistry?
I think you should really take some time to and look at your deeper personal issues that are causing you to act out
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): Ditto what the male posted said!!!!!!! I' m sorry your sad but you did it to yourself. Its ok if you learn from it and think more highly of yourself. Never involve ourself or give any taken man that kind of power ever. Hes taken and men are out for the chase the hunt after that ...your nothing. Dont be that girl. Sorry to be harsh dont talk to him dont give away any more of our power fight it...go to the sight loves a game by eddie corban it will help you even tho it wasnt a relationship it will keep u from having comtact its an awesome sight. Good luck...ps this is an awesome sight too for questions and answers but that one is good for venting and having others going thru what our going thru a support type thing. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2013): I cannot believe that you still want to talk to this scumbag!!!!! Get some self esteem, because it looks like you have none. What will you say to creepies wife when she finds out? (and you can bet on it, she will find out)
How much more proof do you need to show that he is a heartless bastard? Now go find a nice single guy to date.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2013): That guy sounds like one smooth operator and this is not his first rodeo in the affair department. I can almost guarantee it. He's got his words and plan all laid out and you fell for it hook, line and sinker.
I personally don't really care about that guy as much as I do you for making the choice to go mess with a guy who was married. For crying out loud, where is your girl code? Why did you not respect yourself enough to stay far far away from this guy? How would you feel if you were the wife and some broad did this to you with your husband?
I hope you learn from this instead of feeling sorry for yourself. You played with fire and you got burned. And it hurts. There's your natural consequence. Stay away from attached people and find your own man who is single, no matter what kind of crap story they throw your way or flirt with you. There are no excuses, justifications or blame for cheating on your partner/spouse. You want to screw around, then stay single. This is about you and your choices...he's already scum. You at least have hope and can turn your choices around. I hope you decide to forget about this pig and move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (10 June 2013):
 To be honest, you walked right into it...and he got you!!
He sounds like a professional womanizer and I wouldn't believe him when he says he never had an affair or a fling before...it's a load of bull!!
Yeah you were a little dumb to fall for it, but he knew exactly what to say to get you into bed (I laughed at the bit where he said his wife was asexual...Haha!! would a guy who was so into sex really stay married to a woman who refused all sex???...REALLY???)
You gotta now get your head outta your butt...and quickly, because you played the fool and that's why you feel so bad.
If you really want to get over things quickly you need to forgive yourself, accept the truth that you got stung by a womanizer and do as he is doing...act like nothing happened!!
You could let his wife know, but be prepared for trouble and maybe having to find another job....He will do this again...you won't.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (10 June 2013):
 Oh my God...this man is a creep on so many levels!! He has consistently lied to you and I must say he's been a terrible liar too. You should have spotted it OP, it was all so obvious!! Afraid of rejection...bullshit!! Asexual wife, not had sex for 7 years, didnt want to hurt his wife so he had to hurt you, and the biggest lie of all...he said he has never felt this way before or has never cheated before with anyone while married to both of his wives! The writing is as clear as can be OP, he's a lying, cheating scumbag who just used you for a few moments of pleasure and now wants nothing more to do with you. You know what you should do here? Tell his wife EVERYTHING. And walk with your head held high and behave like he doesnt exist. You don need this asshole in your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the last poster, you are right. I did make the decision to be with a married man and I even told him I put myself in this position knowingly with my eyes wide open. And I clearly deserve some of the blame.I am going thru a whole lot of personal turmoil in my life. I am in a lot of pain. I am vulnerable and I was seeking someone/something to make me feel good. He was paying attention to me for a long time. I knew he was very attracted to me. So I responded to him.Yes he told me up front but in the same breath he was more than willing to fool around. If he loved her, why would he do this to her? Not only that but he said he would give me oral sex anytime I want it. First he says he loves his wife, then he fools around with me, tells me he can't go through with an affair but it's okay with him if he gives me oral sex whenever I feel like it? He is definitely full of mixed messages. Typical I guess of a married man who is torn between thinking with his little head and the head on his shoulders.I almost feel like he was trying to give himself absolution from the start by telling me he loves his wife. He was trying to ease his guilt and conscience and almost giving himself permission and telling himself it was okay to do what he was about to do.I just don't get how you can truly love someone and cheat with another person?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2013): Sorry, I am gonna have to disagree with the other posters on this one.He told you upfront that he loves his wife and would never leave her. I think you need to look at yourself and the pain you cause in choosing to be with someone unavailable to you, you brought all this on by making a decision to be with a married person.I do feel for you, but sugar coating isn't gonna help any. Find another lake to fish in and take responsibility for what you did. Everyone makes mistakes, you we are only human, so turn this around and next time invest your energy with a single man, not one who is taken.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2013): I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad and alone right now. I know what it's like to have someone make you feel so special and desirable, and how painful that can be when that's taken away.Firstly, the guy sounds like total lying scum. You're better off not messaging him and getting hurt more, or played around with some more, leading to more hurt.I think the real issue here is how you feel about yourself. I have a tendency towards low self-esteem, and when someone takes a fascinated interest in me, it really gets me on a high. The problem is, is that makes me way too vulnerable and easily hurt by the other person - especially if he's a jerk. I've learned that personally, I need to take time off from relationships, because as cliche as it sounds, the most important relationship I have is with myself. I really need to love myself, value myself, be my own best friend, have fun with myself.Write down all the things that you love about yourself. Every single good attribute you have. Write down your hopes and dreams - that for now don't have to do with a man. Write down all the good things in your life, all the things that you're grateful for. You'll meet someone special (not this jerk), someone with a good heart, honor and integrity - when the time is right. For now, concentrate on how special YOU are, appreciating yourself and treating yourself well. Get together with friends to talk, treat yourself to something nice, start a hobby you've always wanted to try...it's all about you and how you feel about your life...not him, and certainly not a manipulative jerk like him. You deserve WAY BETTER.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all of you who answered.
Today at the company function he pretty much ignored me. He treated me like any other co-worker.
Do you know how much that hurts? To go from one extreme to another literally overnight? A total 360?
From telling me how sexy and amazing I was to treating me like a dirty little secret?
I said goodbye to him at the end of the event and he said "Thank you for coming." That was it.
I am feeling so devastated and so alone right now. I am trying really hard to fight the urge to message him. I want to talk to him so badly right now.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (10 June 2013):
 The guy is a slimy, poisonous snake. He was lying to you. I'm wiling to bet a ridiculous sum of money that that was not the first time he cheated. And now he won't leave his wife, and he won't have an affair, but he'll give you oral whenever you want it. Lucky you!
The guy is disgusting. Instead of beating yourself up, you should be angry with him. I strongly recommend that you do not put yourself in a situation where you are alone with him ever again.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 June 2013):
Stick with the "... rotten and stupid.. " feelings... because they're more appropriate....
THEN, don't ever meet, spend time with, or remove your clothes for this guy.... Did you not notice that he has had TWO wives, previously????? Do YOU want to be shill number three??????
Good luck....
P.S. EVERY GUY who'se out to "get a little" is married to a wife who is "asexual" or who ".... hasn't put out for me for 3 (or 5 or 6 ... etc) years"!!!!!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 June 2013):
You made a mistake. Fortunately, by what you do next, you can correct it.
This married co-worker said everything he thought would get you into bed with him. The whole "rejection", "wife is asexual", etc. are all words he used to get you to override the rule of never touching a married man. His words were worthless. The wife *has* to be so wrong for him, he *has* to have silently endured for years, so he could tap into your whole ego (feeling desired) and nurturing (meeting a starved sexual need). It worked, and his "pseudo-honesty" should smell foul to you.
Even now, you're making excuses (he was always honest). No, he wasn't, because you're missing the biggest part of it. This honest man just cheated on his wife. If his words were true, he would be leaving her. However, his actions are sharply belying his worthless words to you.
This: "He said he has never felt this way before or has never cheated before with anyone while married to both of his wives."
Should have spoken volumes. What I wouldn't give to know why he left his first wife. I'm guessing cheating or emotional distance had something to do with it.
No, he was a smooth talker who wanted a bed plaything, and he used you and now doesn't want you to make actual demands or relationship overtures, which is why he did his whole sickeningly altruistic "I don't want to hurt my wife so I have to hurt you". Really? He's already HURT his wife, and she doesn't know it yet. He betrayed her. He devastated her. He is a hideous person.
Do your work and vow that any emotions that you ever feel for him is disgust at his lies, disrespect, and adultery. If a man had done that to your sister, your best friend, or your mom, or your daughter, you would burn with fury toward him. Time to tap into those emotions and stop feeling guilty and ashamed. Feel guilty if you let him touch you again. If you *really* feel guilty, apologize to his wife. There's no better absolution than letting his wife know.
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