A
female
age
51-59,
*ellagirl20
writes:I want to know if I am being unrealistic or not. How long should you wait before being exclusive with someone? I am 47 years old and I met a man on POF who is soon to be 49 back in March. We are both quite attractive and we have been dating for 3 months, intimately. We have both since shut down our on-line profiles. Last weekend we went to Toronto and spent a wonderful day walking the streets, holding hands, a beautiful night of dinner, romance and an overnight stay at a hotel. Perfect weekend! Later in the week he as a little cold, not his jovial self and he said it was work. But the more it went on I had my suspicions so I went on POF and searched him and found that he had created a new and improved profile entitled "Sadly I'm Back" . I was crushed...it was like a knife to my heart. I confronted him and he now tells me that we never discussed being exclusive and we are not in a relationship but he likes what we have because "we enjoy each other". Although we never "discussed" it, don't actions say so much more? I'm not 17 and no he hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend but please...is this new profile not the most disrespectful thing he can do to me? He promised he has not been with anyone else but to me just the fact that he is looking makes me feel ill. He says he has not been out on dates but likes reading the email he gets because it makes him laugh! Sooooo...I can keep dating him and put up with the fact that he is back on-line and hope he sees eventually that I am the "one" or I can tell him that I am so much better than this and clearly he is not the man for me. I care for him so much and this is crushing me. OMG I thought we were grown-ups?! HELP!!!!
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female
reader, bellagirl20 +, writes (12 June 2013):
bellagirl20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your honesty. I wish I had done the same as you but obviously it is now too late. We've been intimate many times and it really hurts for me to see him on line searching for other women. He knows how I feel about him and that it hurts me to see him on there so the ball is now in his court so to speak. What will be will be I guess. I too want a man that pursues me. I want him to make me feel special and wanted. I want someone who wants to spend time with me and only me. Not willing to share after 3 1/2 months of dating or whatever you want to call it. Maybe I'm wrong? Regardless, I'm too old for these games. I'd rather be alone and happy (and disease free) than worry about what someone else is doing and who he is doing it with. I wish you the best of luck in your potential relationship. He sounds like a very respectful man. :-)
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (12 June 2013):
 I dont usually confide my personal situation but I am currently dating a man I met on Match 2 and a half months ago. I am 48 and he is 41. He lives near to me and we have had several nice dates and speak on the phone every evening...but I still have not told him where I live or slept with him, because I feel it's too soon and I am not sure if we compatible yet. I have explained this to him and even though we have talked about intimacy (amongst lots of other things)he has told me that he would never pressure me...and he hasn't. I hasten to add that I feel very attracted to him as he is a very good looking man.
I have deleted my account as I only signed up for a month just to give it a go but he has told me his account is still active as he signed up for 6 months. He has also been honest in telling me he still e-mails a few people but at this stage I find it hard to belive he is leading me on and talking to other women because we talk for hours each evening over the phone and he cannot physically be having two conversations at one time...but he could be texting and e-mailing and thats ok at this stage.
He is always the one who arranges the dates ahead of time and when I see him he wont say goodbye unless we have another meeting arranged and I have had to let him down a couple times because of work commitments.
I am really enjoying getting to know him slowly but I am not yet emotionally invested. Eventually we will either have the conversation that end things or that makes me know that we are in 'relationship' territory...but there is no second guessing it at this time.
The signals I am getting are encouraging, but I am enjoying taking things slowly.
Your guy has given up some huge red flags...the guy I am seeing is also keeping his options open, but his actions, openess and his constant pursuance of me kinda lets me know we still have the potential to move foward.
Are we exclusive?...nope not yet...but I have no intention of driving hooks into him or assuming anything. We know we both like eachother a lot...and time will tell if we make it or not.
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A
female
reader, bellagirl20 +, writes (11 June 2013):
bellagirl20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGood point... I totally agree that people can and should date more than one person at a time in the beginning. Heck I've done it myself although I wouldn't let it go on for too long. I guess I'm just a sucker for thinking when someone calls me "hun" or says how much he misses me and can't wait to see me again... that we might possibly be in some kind of relationship?? I'm too trusting I guess. We didn't have that conversation yet no... I honestly thought it was too soon. Next time however I will know better. Thanks for your advice. Cheers!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2013): OP you've gotten great advice, the only thing I want to add is this
"Although we never "discussed" it, don't actions say so much more?"
is just wishful thinking these days.
Until you discuss things you have nothing but a guy who is having some fun with you. The fact he deleted his profile originally was a gesture, nothing more substantial than that.
Do you have a right to feel hurt? Not really when you didn't discuss things, that's not to say you're wrong for feeling hurt. That said he shouldn't have deleted it and then created a new one, as he knew well how that could be interpreted but then again if it's not an official thing he doesn't have to for any other reason than politeness.
OP there's nothing wrong with wanting to date exclusively, that's the only way I will. But unless you discuss that then you're free not to aswell.
I have a friend who does the POF thing and she has 3 or 4 guys she's "messaging" on it constantly, she doesn't just get rid of any of those guys when she's dating one because she likes to keep her options open. I wouldn't date a person like that but there's nothing wrong with that either, she doesn't lead guys on and it's not her fault if they assume that just because they have a great time together.
OP I understand your disappointment but at the end of the day he hasn't done anything wrong, you got burned mainly by your assumptions. Anything goes in dating, this time you met a guy you really liked but who was incompatible with you.
The positive here is that you get to outline your dating style earlier with the next guy.
OP you say you're supposed to be grown ups, well grown ups don't work on assumption, if you don't "discuss" things you never know whether they're on the same page as you.
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female
reader, bellagirl20 +, writes (10 June 2013):
bellagirl20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Aunty Em! It's so cool to see people from around the world answering my question. This guy actually just got back from a trip to the UK and has posted some of his pictures from his trip on his new POF profile. Argghhhh... :-( And I agree with you, Plenty of Fish is just a "hook up" site even here in Canada. It attracts all kinds because it's free!!!
I am taking your advice and that of everyone else. I am not going to contact him and when and if he contacts me, I'll tell him to leave me alone. I'm too old for these games. I know what I want and I'm sure there is someone out there who would be proud to spend their time with me. xo
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 June 2013):
I really feel for you and can understand why you feel so decieved! The guy is telling you he doesn't want to be in a relationship but has put that he does, on his new profile...In my book, that makes him a liar!! Either he is lying about wanting to be in a relationship...or just in a relationship with you!!
Plenty of fish is regarded in the UK as a 'hook up' site. It's free for everyone, so it attracts men who might just be trolling to get laid by as many women as they can. It's so easy to lie and to go against what they have written in their profile and there are always more women than men on those sites, so men have the wider choice!
I am sorry you got hurt by this guy. Personally I wouldn't bother with him anymore...cut him off and ignore him, because at the end of the day it's his loss!
I still believe that anyone can meet their perfect partner at any age, so do not give up hope, maybe try a more reputable dating site and state from the outset that you are looking for a relationship and that sex isn't on the cards unless you have found 'the one'
Good luck xxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2013): Whether you had discussed being exclusive or not, the fact is he led you to believe that he was on the same page as you by deleting his old profile, then started up a new one behind your back. That is classic player behaviour. You absolutely have to end things with him. If you don't you are basically telling him with your actions that you are ok with what he did and he will continue to treat you badly. If there is no consequence then why should he change?! The only chance you have is to completely drop him and hope that he misses you enough to realise what a douche he has been. Then and only then could you give him one more chance, but make it clear that he will be out if he does anything similar again.
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female
reader, bellagirl20 +, writes (10 June 2013):
bellagirl20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone so much for your answers. I was stunned last week when I saw his profile on POF and really hurt. The past 3 weeks we have been becoming closer. We speak by text daily, he calls me "hun" and says good morning and goodnight xo... who wouldn't think that we were more? He would tell me how much he missed me and the sex by the way... was incredible. He told me I was the best he had ever been with. So who wouldn't think he wanted a relationship? He knows he has hurt me incredibly but I just checked on line now and he was on there today. When I confronted him the other night he told me he just wasn't "in that place right now" for a serious relationship although his new profile saying that he is "looking for a serious relationship". Whatever... I'm smart and independent... just really hurt and was wondering whether or not I was being unrealistic by thinking 3 months that I should deserve more. My mother can't understand why I haven't met someone after 2 years of being single. I try to explain to her that it's not meeting the men that is the problem... it's finding men who want a relationship or to be with one woman. I think a lot of men these days (and maybe women too) are coming from long-term relationships and because they have been tied down so long, they just want to play the field for a while. Which by the way, I'm totally cool because at first I didn't want anything serious either. I just feel like I was so deceived and I so badly want to tell him off... but it's hard because we've had so much fun together, just like a couple of teenagers. Whoever thought dating in your forties would be so difficult!!!!! I do know however, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me :-(
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female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (10 June 2013):
You are too old to be playing games. He has said it all with not saying anything at all. You sound like an attractive, intelligent and independent women. Move on from this loser. You have so much more to offer someone who wants to be in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (10 June 2013):
 His behaviour tells you everything you will ever need to know about him. I'm sorry for you because it sounds like things were going well and this came out of the blue. Perhaps there was some hint, some tiny doubt among the way that you ignored? Either way it doesn't matter because he has now shown you his true colours and intentions and all you can do is remove yourself from the situation. It's not your fault. Perhaps he has problems committing to people. Perhaps he's just a d^^^head who doesn't care about other people's feelings. You have every right to be angry with him, but the cliche about how the only person your anger will hurt is you is true. I hope that you meet someone new in the not-too-distant future. The lesson from this is not that you can't trust anyone but rather that you should watch people's actions very carefully and always trust your own instincts.
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female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (9 June 2013):
 If it was so exclusive he wouldnt be creating new accounts. I would move on but first find out why you and him cant be a item. Is it compatibility or is he just not fully ready. It happens that some people dont want to be rushed into relationships. He may feel you are not as compatible as you feel. He may have other issues like the love making is not as often of as good as he likes. You must find out what he needs to make you the exclusive one thats all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2013): You deserve better. Well which part he did not understand after dating for three months that made him think this is not a relationship. Being back on-line even if the title says "sadly I am back" is the most disrespectful and dishonest thing ever to do after dating for 3 months long. He should have been forthcoming and he should have told you if he is not into you. What did he think when you were dating for 3 months, that this is not a relationship? what is it then if not a relationship !! Spare yourself heartbreaks. Don't contact him and trust me, he will get back to you if you cut all ties with him. I am afraid he might be a player and he is looking for adventure and attention from other women. I am sorry but he seems to have self esteem issues. As hard as it might be, don't contact him, All the best. I hope this really helps.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 June 2013):
 You are catching on.... NOW... finish the task and drop him from your life. This guy is, obviously, not interested in the "exclusive" relationship that YOU would like to have....
Good luck....
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2013): I am glad you have found out that this man is a Casanova. I as a man really hate men like him. He has been sleeping his way around everywhere and gives the rest of us good looking men a bad rap. I hope you didn't give him too many free samples. He may have stds and other sexual diseases. Get checked out right away. Remember what Mike Douglas said about throat cancer and giving blow jobs. Yes you can get throat cancer from that and from giving oral sex. Doesn't mean he got it that way. I recently joined google and got a account. New thing you can do. Take a picture and you can paste it on google search and it will search the whole internet and will hone in if any future Casanova is out looking for fresh victims. It is remarkably new technology. Tell your girlfriends about it and practice taking pictures of each other and see how it works. You can save a lot of potential heartaches with this new technology. You're right drop this jerk. You said you have the goods and it wont take long to find a honest and loving man who doesn't need to post pics of himself on line. Tell what you think and move on. You don't need him nor do you want anything from him. What the hell here? Good luck...
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female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (9 June 2013):
 Technically, no, there was no discussion about you two being exclusive, HOWEVER...Technically there was no discussion about you two NOT being exclusive. Both of you made assumptions...you that he was "yours", he that you were his jump off.
He's shown that he's not willing to forge a monogamous relationship with you. I would block him and move on, and the next time you get together with someone, talk to them early on about exclusivity and specifically that you're looking for monogamy.
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