A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is a follow up question to the one asked previously.http://www.dearcupid.org/question/she-is-away-in-a-foreign-country-and.htmlSo my gf came back from Thailand and openly admitted to having a couple of Canadian guys (apparently couples) approach her at the bar. The next she had free time and decided to go out with them for the day (swimming, lunch, dinner).She's called it a trust issue when I got angry with her. Claiming that they were there with their girlfriends and I have nothing to worry about. But I'm not convinced and actually I think this issue is going to drive a wedge between us. If she admits to her friends about her antics, then I am going to look like a fool.I'm very strongly leaning towards a break up. A couple of close friends of mine are trying to tell me to calm down and just trust her. After all, she did come back and was open about it and was acting like her usual self :-/BUT it's the whole fact that she just went off with a couple of guys she didn't really know that has me wanting to walk away from everything. I'm trying to talk to her about it but she's just getting upset and blaming it on trust.I understand that if you are on holidays, it's perfectly normal and healthy to accompany other tourists to do things the next day. Just this particular instance is sounding increasingly sus. So much about her talking about how serious she is to me. I have the gut feeling that she just wants to muck around (hardly worth my time and effort or being made a fool of if this is true). It's causing a lot of resentment for me.
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male
reader, Dr.LanceMerryweather  +, writes (23 February 2010):
 Based upon both your letters here, I'd be strongly inclined to drop her like a hot brick. Sorry mate, good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): Don't conclude anything until you are 100% sure.. be smart and don't be a victim. Observe her for a while. Take her out on dates, buy flowers, treat her well, go for a movie. If you feel something suspicious about this lady and she is not opening up to you, you might want to install a key logger in her PC and observe her for a while. you may be in trouble if she finds out. If you find something bad, don't confront her immediately. observe. observe. observe. she may be looking for other options for reasons like money/citizenship/fling. sounds like she's looking for greener pastures... cheaters always leave evidences.. check her text messages, phone numbers on mobile, email contacts, phone bills.. but be sure to trust her if she is innocent. forgive her if she made mistakes and is apologetic.. otherwise if you have trust issues, the problem could be in your head rather than her... you might want to consult a doctor for help..
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@angzw
Thanks for keeping up the replies :) I appreciate your valuable insight.
Again we have talked about commitment and she's acting very phobic about it. She's constantly up and down in her emotions (her friends have described her as an emotional person). When we got back form her hometown everything seemed great and she made the commitment to come back to Australia with me. But just before she left she told me she no longer wants kids and just last night she told me she wants to wait at least 5 years before getting married (before she wanted to marry a lot quicker and seemed certain: now she tells me that she only did that as a game to test if I was a player and now she knows I'm serious to her and not going to misbehave). I hinted at giving her a surprise towards the end of the year and she begged me not to and that she's not ready... Her ups and downs have me reeling a lot. Yes I don't have a lot of relationship experience so I'm constantly trying to figure things out as I go.
One thing is really bothering me and making me think about how serious she sees our relationship: she had the email addresses of the Canadian guys (no big deal) and emailed one of them last night to ask for the photos (in front of me). The second guy she started to compose the email but when I wandered near the computer she asked me to go to bed - then changed her mind and clicked it off saying she will finish it later. She's cleared out her exes off facebook and taken off all photos that show us together. Her profile now looks like she is single. I can understand why she wants to hide the relationship from her work colleagues - traditional Chinese view is that it's frowned upon to be seen with a foreigner and she's a bit private and doesn't want others to know about it. I find that to be so different to life in Australia where we are more open among our friends/family about who we are seeing. At first I defaulted to the Western view and took offence at her trying to hide me.
I'm concerned that she will treat me like her ex. That is, she was still living with her now ex when she met me and started a long distance relationship (I've since talked to the ex and found out that things had already turned sour and that he knew about me).
So it bothers me that she maybe she wants to flirt to him. I don't like that she is hiding the message. Granted that, I want her to have her privacy. It's so hard for me to guage what she wants. She shows actions of loving me but then does (and says) small things that I interpret as losing interest a little bit. I can't believe things are so rocky after only 4 months. We still share intimate time and are always kissing/hugging but talk about the future seems to get more and more fragmented. And I worry about how much communication we actually have. Being physically close is only one aspect, I want to feel like we have the emotional connection. I can't pin down the uncertainty! Is it just me or am I relying on her being too committed?
A couple of times we have had bad fights where she's gone on about not loving me anymore (once saying she never did), a couple of times she's talked about being miserable and wanting a better life where everything is provided for her - her aunt has told her off about this and advised her to work hard and save her money and not bludge off others. Every time she turns around and apologises. The worst fight was just before we visited her hometown where she said she no longer loved me, didn't want to marry me, just wanted to kick me and she was only taking me to her hometown because she promised. Needless to say I didn't sleep that night and the next day told her I wanted to talk when I got home from work - she said she didn't want to and would stay at her friend's house if I tried to confront her when I got home...so I eased up but asked her what she really wanted and started to say that I didn't know where we were headed anymore. She started moaning and getting upset and saying oh god no not a break. Later I found out that the reason she woke up in the middle of the night crying was because her grandfather had passed away around the same time - earlier in the afternoon before I rang her she got a phone call to say he had passed away :( 1 year to the day after my grandfather had passed away. Needless to say it was a very emotionally trying time for us both! So accompanying her to her hometown as a support really drew us closer together. But then Thailand interefered and things have been so-so.
She's still living with me but I feel like she doesn't really know what she wants? Maybe a bit insecure or emotionally immature?
It's been hard to say the least but her emotional ups and downs (and nasty words) have confused me and taken away a lot of the love that I had in the beginning where I was a bit crazy for her and really believed we were meant to be together. Now it feels like something is brewing in the background and if I try to question her about it she pulls out the 'don't you trust me' line.
The truth is that I finish my current work contract at the end of the week and I've thought seriously about just returning home for a few weeks to get back on my feet before returning for more work. It's also quite possible that I'm expecting too much too soon...
As I said, this is only my first serious relationship so I don't have a lot of experience to guide me! My gf on the other hand has experienced several relationships and told me that some of them ended after the guys cheated on her (one cheated on her with her best friend then dumped them both).
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (22 February 2010):
From what you are saying, she is acting like a woman that wants a proposal and she is trying to jumpstart it by acting unpredictable as though she has other options. Sometime women do this to see if you are still serious. If she is saying she now has other plans, its a way to try and pretend she is not too eager so that if you blow her off she will save face (I didn't want you after all). If she genuinely didn't want a future with you anymore then she would have moved out. I really believe she wants you to propose. Have you made a proper proposal yet?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell she kept the email addresses of the guys. The first email was innocent but the second one she stopped typing and asked me to go to bed before she quickly cancelled it.
I'm seeing the end drawing closer as I have experienced a gradual change in her attitude towards some things. Yes people change their minds on serious things but something has caused her to change her mind on big issues that we once agreed upon. For instance, we made plans for marriage and to go back to Australia together. Now suddenly she has changed her mind and isn't sure about the future between us - she once blew up about me saying I wanted to wait until I could save enough money which would take about 2 years; whereas she wanted to go back earlier than that. I've tried to reassure her that I'm staying for the long haul but her shift in direction has really upset me after I gave 100% to her and believed her when she said that we would have a good future together. She just keeps changing too much.
I went to her hometown and we talked seriously about the future. Now she is backing out of that. She wants to keep the fact that we are together private (esp. from her online stuff: she recently discovered the way to access her facebook and deleted the photos that show us together and her exes. She was going to delete me from her list so I couldn't see what she was doing). What concerns me is that she wants to hide the communication with this man she met in Thailand. It's left me feeling very uncertain about our future.
I feel like I don't know where I stand with her anymore. It's driving me apart from her and making me feel like I should stop making so much of an effort - she's always telling me that I love her so much. The truth is I made a commitment to trying everything I could to keep this working. But I'm feeling like I've invested too much effort. Her feelings to me have cooled off and left me wondering. I planned a bright future with her. I don't know what is causing her to change :-/ I guess that's part of getting to know someone right?
So, because I still love her I'm going to keep up the relationship. Just have to take things slowly. Maybe she is too young to commit or I'm too naive.
Am I demanding too much to ask for us to commit to each other for the relationship? Marriage stuff can wait until later so long as we are happy together.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): I agree with the other comment below that she would probably have never told you about the couples she was hanging around with at all if she had actually cheated.
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A
male
reader, AvgGuy1  +, writes (22 February 2010):
I've always said that Jealousy is an INSECURITY issue. It sounds like you are just jealous. You have to ask yourself why? Is there some reason you really don't TRUST her?
As the first poster responded... she went out/hung out with a foursome. Essentially three women and two men. While we were in Thailand, My partner and I met a GREAT couple (from New Zealand) with whom we are still VERY CLOSE friends. These two friends have stayed with us here in the states... and we have stayed with them in New Zealand... and in fact spent more than a week with them on our last vacation. Perhaps you should use this opportunity to EXPAND your group of friends, rather than going off on her for meeting someone that YOU did not.
Props to her for telling you about it... SHE is being honest. I would be more worried for her PHYSICAL security - especially if she was there alone - than anything else.
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (22 February 2010):
Usually if a girl cheats then she won't mention any guy at all. She will just say she stayed in her hotel room all night and was bored. I think she told you as an attempt at openess, but what will happen from here is that if she ever goes to work and hangs out with clients then she just won't say. Your behavior is teaching her to lie. Its often better to know the truth so you have some control. I admit that she should be making a better effort to reassure you but obviously that's not her personality. She might also be saying it to make you jealous. So you know her best and can best decide what her intentions are.
But if you can't get past it then you should seriously consider a break up since you two seem to clash so much and it's bound to carry on.
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A
male
reader, Dr.LanceMerryweather +, writes (22 February 2010):
Something is obviously causing you to mistrust her. Actually, it sounds strange to me that two couples would ask a single girl to tag along with them.
Anyway, my point is, personally, I would go with my first instincts, they've never let me down yet. If you feel you cannot trust her, I would assume she therefore cannot be trusted. Somthing is causing you to think this way so don't dismiss it - go with it. Just my personal opinion, of course.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): You have trust issues. The question isn't whether or not sh3 did anything inappropriate (she didn't), but whether or not you can BELIEVE her and TRUST her judgment. She didn't go out with two guys, she went out with 4 other people, two girls, two guys. That were all in a relationship. Its INNOCENT. Yet you accuse her of hiding things from you, and this truly IS a trust issue.
Why would you even think she is trying to make a fool out of you? Just that though alone is proof that you do not trust her. And most likely you will have the same problem trusting other girls you meet.
Break up with her if thats what you want, but don't fool yourself into thinking that your trust issues will go away because of that. You can either stay single the rest of your life, or you have to start believing what your girlfriend tells you and not think such negative thoughts like she's making a fool out of you.
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