A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a long distance relationship for 5 years. This weekend, I found out on the internet that my lover is attending a conference in Florida. He works in the midwest and during a phone conversation, he told me the conference was in the midwest. We've had many arguments relating to lies of ommission. I'm so annoyed with him because he promised me he would be totally honest with me. I'm hurt, however, his conference is none of my business, it doesn't affect me. At this point, I want him to know that I'm aware he's in a different state. But I found out by snooping and it's killing me that I have to keep my mouth shut.Any suggestions?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 November 2010):
 I still wouldn't call that snooping. And two wrongs doesn't make one right in either case, he lied he lied he lied, and snooping or no snooping make no difference.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Everyone,
When I said I snooped, it was originally paperwork I found buried on his desk about the conference. Then I found the conference information on the internet and this confirmed it all. That's why it's difficult to confront him. I should not have been looking at his paperwork. However, my snooping has been generated by lack of trust.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 November 2010):
One lie here and one lie there, I wouldn't trust him either, and you have had many arguments over this before. Why do you think he is lying, and could this perhaps be a deal breaker? Trust is so important in a relationship, and while you should trust him you should not take on the role of a stupid cow. You KNOW he is going elsewhere, and you have caught him red-handed.
I think you should confront him with it. But before you do, make up your mind on what you want. Do you want to accept all his lying, or what will the consequence be?
And finding out through the internet doesn't sound like snooping to me. Snooping would be to check his personal information, e-mail, phone etc, things you aren't supposed to check. The internet is open and free for everyone.
As for "everyone don't tell the entire story", thats one thing... Directly LYING to your face is a whole other. He could be secretive and like his privacy, with is a personal matter, each to their own. But you should never lie...!
I agree with Dear Jilly. I do not support the idea what you should be a stupid cow and accept whatever he feeds you with. You have a brain of your own, and you should be allowed to use some common sense without it being judged as mistrust. He's proven to be untrustworthy on several occasions, and HEALTHY COMMON SENSE, makes you doubt certain parts of his "story". Thats not mistrust, thats you using your brain and not being naive.
I think it's time to take a look at where this relationship is heading. Do you see a future with this man? Does he make you happy? Can you live with the constant lying, because I do not think he will ever change. I mean you've discussed this before, and if he got smarts he knows he shouldn't tell lies in the first place. It is quite disrespectful to lie to someone, it's like he thinks you must be stupid and not able to bust him on his lies. And this wont change, it hasn't changed during the 5 years you've been together, and it won't change 5 years from now either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your replies. You've all been very helpful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2010): NO you don't have TRUST because he lies to you - Snooping, as you have done is a result of him lying to you. And although I strongly believe there must be trust in a relationship, 100% somewhere falls into the little complacency compartment, and there must balance. By having just a smidgen of doubt, NO not where you doubt each all the time, but 1% healthy awareness that people are not to be taken for granted and therefore, keeps both parties on their toes. That injects some original dating spark!
Ok, now I've covered the comments on trust - lets look at you guys. Five years is a long time to be in a LDR, why so long - why have neither of you worked your way to being in the same State, if not under the same roof?
Did you set out for a LDR...may be a strange question, but a lot of couples do - simple reason one or both dont want to commit full-time to 24/7, or in some cases, CAN'T may be due to the guy being in the military and away, to be one of them being emotionally unavailable, or lastly has another life.
Only you know where or if you fall into any of that, but most couples who meet and fall for each other, knowing there is distance that keeps them apart would work towards a compromise, meaning working towards to being together, only you don't mention this in your question.
I feel there is a lot more than just the issue of you finding out about his conference - and as you say "We've had many arguments relating to lies of ommission. I'm so annoyed with him because he promised me he would be totally honest with me "
You already know he's lied once, and when you found that out, you obviously decided the relationship was worth continuing with ( you don't mention what the lies pertain to) A huge difference between NOT picking the dry cleaning or cheating..YES both are lies, but only ONE would make a life changing difference, the former is a typical white lie we all tell at one time or another through life. So again it's a case of balance.
But from it seems he has a constant problem with telling lies to you, on your omission, so you need to look at the relationship itself, are you really both suited, have similar life goals as well as relationship goal, and IF he has already lied so many times to you, can you go on with this relationship?
Constant lies over time erode the foundations - it's more than just a trust problem, it becomes the whole of the relationship itself, so you can either MEET and discuss what you both see and what from this, perhaps seek some couple counselling if you feel the relationship is worth saving, or WALK..
I hope I have given you food for thought!
Jilly
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know, I'm aware of all this. Guess I just needed to here it from others I thank you again.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (13 November 2010):
Your relationship doesn't have any trust...you don't trust him because your snooping. If you had a comfortable relationship where you were happy and didn't worry that he was lying to you (whether he is or not) then you would be able to ask him outright and believe his answer.
Relationships only really work if they are built on a solid base of trust. If your wobbling about with questions and doubt, it's probably fair to say that eventually something will have to give.
Snooping is a very damaging thing to do, in itself it creates mistrust so your adding to the problem.
Maybe it's time to really examine if this relationship is working and is giving you what you really need?
If you decide it is working for you, then you need to accept the fact that your man is probably not going to change (because people don't) so you need to just let it be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your prompt answer. The meeting is in Florida. But he works in the midwest. The meeting he is attending has a website on the internet. He's listed as attending.We've had many discussions about lies of omission. He feels he's not out to hurt me. It's just that like all of us, we don't tell the entire story. We all have secrets. I think I'm too honest with him and I need to shut down a bit. He's been so good to me in other ways by helping me financially, and buying me many beautiful gifts. So why would he invest so much time in me for five years? We could both find someone closer to our state, but we don't.I feel that talking to him about the fact that I know what's going on is going to create a host of questions on his part. The truth is - I shouldn't be snooping.Perhaps I just need to vent. BUT it's difficult having a conversation with him because I know the truth.Many thanks for reply and if you do have any thoughts, it will be much appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2010): You've had doubts for a while, otherwise you would not have gone snooping. You've felt intuitively that you are not seeing the whole picture. Trust your intuition. Because you pick up so many more clues subconsciously, without realising it, than we realise initially. Trust is now damaged in this relationship, for you. Plus you have the added issue of a long distance relationship. Long distant relationships are fraught with potential problems. Are you sure in the last 5 years he hasn't developed another closer to home relationship with another? Or even married? He doesn't seem very committed to you if he has allowed this relationship to go on, without the two of you moving in together? For what ever reason it seems he may have lied to you about where he will be. What would be his motivation to lie to you? Why would he want you to think he was one place when really he will be in another place?
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female
reader, absolutelyinsane  +, writes (13 November 2010):
If he's lying, he's hiding something. Let him know. See what he has to say. Then work it out from there. I refuse to tell someone to dump someone, without knowing the full deal. But let your intuition guide you :) Wishing you all the best.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (13 November 2010):
 Actually what does it matter whether he's in Missouri, or the Florida keys in a business meeting?? Do you think he's lying about a business meeting and is going to Florida for entirely some other reason? How did you find out about this meeting?
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