A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Two days ago, I tried to talk to my boyfriend about his behavior dealing with other girls, not the first time out of 4 years we'd talked about this. I had prepared myself to finally let him go (or at least I thought I had). I did it all in a very calm and mature way, never raised my voice or anything. He began yelling at me that I was a child over and over and over and wouldnt listen to me much. At some point all of my being calm and mature snapped and I picked up our television remote (a self-programmed one he'd spent hours on setting up) and smashed it.He immediately jumped up, grabbed me by my throat and threw me into the ground so hard it knocked the wind out of me, nearly gave me a concussion, i think fractured a rib, and proceeded to choke me until I thought I was going to pass out. Needless to say, I stayed the night elsewhere with plans of never coming back. Yesterday we talked and talked and talked and I made him promise that if he went to counseling or anger management I am willing to give it one more try. This is the first time he'd ever done something like this in 4 years and he doesnt have a violent history. We had also had about 2 shots of alcohol an hour before all of this. I thought last night that since his history is pretty clear of this and our 4 years is pretty clear of this that if he goes to the counseling like I asked I should give him another chance. But I dont know. Today I can barely walk my spine hurts so bad, I cant swallow much of anything because my throat is so sore, cant turn my head, cant left anything with my arms, it hurts to breathe. I dont know whether to try the counseling thing or really walk away. How do you walk away from something you have lived for 4 years? We are so close (live together too), see each other for lunch everyday, I work my school schedule around him. I dont know how to leave that, no matter how prepared for it I thought I was, Im not.I need advice on whether or not I should stay and give him one more chance and if no, then whats the best way to move on?
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female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (9 October 2010):
 Please post and let us know that you are alright. I'm worried about you.
A
female
reader, Agonized  +, writes (8 October 2010):
I was also with someone for 4 years. He was often verbally and emotionally abusive, and once he was physically abusive (which didn't happen for awhile) it became more frequent and also more serious. As I look back on my life now I wonder how I could endure that for so long. It seems crazy to me, but I also remember how "sorry" he was all the time. I honestly believe that he felt sorry, but people like this don't have any emotional control and react impulsively, they may be sorry after but are incapable of of thinking about the consequences to their actions in that moment. Recently where I live a young mother (23) was murdered in front of her 4 year old son (who was also beaten) by her 21 year old boyfriend, who confessed that they had got in a fight and he was just so angry that he couldn't help himself...Life does get better, there are wonderful men out there and 4 years is nothing when I look back now.
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (8 October 2010):
Please go to the doctor or hospital and get checked out. Seems like he may have seriously hurt you.
Stay with family or friends for a week and plan your exit strategy. Please.
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A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (8 October 2010):
Do the names Scott and Lacey Peterson mean anything to you? (I cant see you country's flag because I am using my phone. If you aren't from the USA you can google them.) After reading the title I was thinking, sure...give the guy another chance. After reading your post, I'm thinking...get the h*** out of there! It only takes once. Ask Lacey and Conner...oh, sorry. You can't. They're dead..As CaringGuy and others have stated, this was not a slap. GET OUT!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): That's an awful harrowing experience to go through. Poor dear, are you okay? You have to make your own decision here, something needs to be worked out but if he is not willing to work with you you will stew over the issue being unresolved and eventually pluck up the courage to talk to him again and the same thing could happen again or worse, and I really hope that doesn't end up happening to you. Protect yourself from this guy.
What IS his behaviour in regards to other girls? Is it something you have undeniable proof of, I only say this because for me I am mistrustful of my bf for privately looking at or thinking about other girls to get off and I don't ALWAYS have proof of this, so you can imagine how angry it could make someone to be constantly accused of something they really may not be doing. I don't know what the issue is or what your individual issues are but I know sometimes people in relationships can be extremely paranoid and jealous for no immediate reason. If he does do something in relation to other girls, cheats, cybers, strip clubs, whatever it is that you find unacceptable that he won't stop, then you arm yourself with the knowledge of that and the evidence of his recent violence against you and leave. That is not pushing, slapping or restraining someone, that is attempted strangulation. Take care of yourself please. Is he worth an assault on your life?
CaringGuy, could you explain please what you mean by "abusing you emotionally (the whole 'child thing')" as it is something my bf says to me that I wonder about as I haven't been told to grow up, you're acting like a child etc. in a relationship b4. Thank you. OP, take care.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 You are kidding right ?
He attempts to murder you and you wonder if you should give him another chance ?
A chance for what, for finishing the job properly and murdering you for real next time ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): I'd be gone so fast he wouldn't be able to take one last swing....
RUN! FOR YOUR LIFE!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 October 2010):
 Go see your doctor so make sure you didn't puncture a lung with that fractured rib. And I hate to say it, I think your boyfriend has a major problem. I wouldn't trust him much after THAT awful scene. Just think of the fear you'll experience the next time you want to talk to him about his cheating, or looking or flirting, or whatever it is he's doing that's inappropriate. You'll be scared to talk!
You walk away from 4 years because you don't want 40 years of abuse and fear. You don't stay in a relationship that's gone bad just because you've invested time in it. As the saying goes, you don't throw good money after bad.
What's he been doing with other women, anyway?
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 Chocking you until you almost lost conciousness...your back aches, your neck still hurts and so does your spine. Honey, do you realize that he could have easily killed you? Over a stupid remote? This is not him slapping you in a spurt of anger for the first time. This is not him angrily grabbing you. This was an assault. You've been verbally abused by him before, this was him taking it to the next level. You're reluctant to leave because you're used to him and he has made you dependent on him. But this was vicious, and counseling will take a long time to heal him-if ever. It's not the magic cure for everything. You're only helped if you can make that your focus. Please, think this through. Take a vacation and relax, think. Relive those four years-the attack-and listen to your intuitions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): Go see a doctor or go to the hospital now. You could have serious damage and need to be assessed.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (8 October 2010):
 Yeah, CaringGuy is right. This is beyond the thoughtless lashign out that can happen to anyone, which I would normally advocate forgiving (one time only). And 2 shots of alcohol should not have imparied his judgment even to that degree.
Put this in perspective: most football players do not fracture ribs, get a concussion, or get the wind knocked out of them in a single game. He threw you pretty hard, *then* kept at it.
Some people develop a very strong attachment to violent, abusive relationships - call it Stockholm Syndrome, or an attraction to power. It's destructive, and will only make life worse for you, and teach him that his behavior has no consequences.
Find a better guy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): move on
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (7 October 2010):
He tried to kill you over a remote control? No way would I take him back.
Actually, this has been coming for some time. Just reading your first few lines was enough to convince me this guy is bad news. He's obviously been up to no good with other girls and hasn't changed, and he's obviously abusing you emotionally (the whole 'child thing'). Then he threw you to the ground by your throat and chocked you until you passed out.
NO WAY!
He's been working up to this, and WILL do it again.
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