A
male
age
30-35,
*resu
writes:Ok, im making this question because whenever i tell someone what i want in a girl, im misundertood and generally dont get empathy with people.What i want i a girl is obviously that i like her, both physically and mentally, that she doesnt do drugs and or smoke/drink, and virgin(the thing people give me a hard time about), but i dont understand why would it be bad that i want that, i mean im a virgin myself, so is not about a double standard, and everyone has the right to want anything they please in a partner.Another thing i want to make clear i dont and i repeat i dont consider a woman less just because she has had sex before, but i consider it fair that i want someone like myself considering that i have neglected sex too, for the sake of waiting until is meaningful and with the right person.It is not because i fear to beign compared(it certainly doesnt help but thats not my problem), is because that i considered dating below a certain age to be meanigless, because if is not serious then i dont see why bother, i mean the point of dating is t find someone to maybe one day spend your life with them, so doing it just because is pointless in my opinion.But yea, i would reject a nice girl because of the virgin issue, or if she lacks anything of the things mentioned, even if she is a good girl and all, even if she had the other things i look for, i would reject her if she isnt a virgin, thats just a decition i made and something that is already part of my moral values.I know that people make mistakes, but i want someone who hadnt made those kinds of mistakes, i mena i havent, i would like someone who hadnt made them too. is just something that i always wanted even since i planned of dating, the comfort of knowing that both pertners had only been with each other. i dont mean to wait until marriage, but to at least wait to find the right person. To be clear i wouldnt reject a rape victim or someone who has lost their virginity unwillingly, and neither would i expect a virgin if i wasnt one, and i wouldnt stop liking her if we were to lose it to each other(thats a no brainer but apparently some people think so).I know it seems like i am paying attention in only the virginity, but thats because is generally the thing that people dont agree with me, even if i explein them my reasons, of course i have a lot i want in a woman too, like intelligence, kindness, loyalty, truthful, pretty, etc. and just to remind i dont consider woman less just because they had sex, just to remind of that, because usually people forget i said that at this point, but even tough i dont think less of them is not something i want. i i want to have my partner the satisfaction of knowing that she is the only one i ever, i dont see why i cant look for the same.The thing is, finding that special girl is hard, even tough i would like to avoid unnecesary break ups, is not like i can start a relationship asking if she is a virgin, it would be very rude, that only can be asked when there is already enough familiarity, at which point it would hurt to have to reject them. so i would like to know if someone knows a way to make this search easier for me(that doesnt involve dropping the virgin criteria, im afraid i will not do, im telling right now).And yes i would only settle until i have found her, even if i never find her and i have to remain alone, but i would apreciate very much if someone gave me any insight that may be helpful in my search, thanks in advance. and if i gave a bad impretion to anyone reading this, im sorry, that was not my intention.
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male
reader, aresu +, writes (8 August 2011):
aresu is verified as being by the original poster of the question at female anonymous:no, maybe i dont have a right to expect women to be virgins, but i don have a right to what i want in a pertner, as everyones does. anyone can decide what is a dealbreaker for them, you cant force them to just deal with it and suck it, even les when you are the one who will decide what do you want in a relationship.and i know that women are not commodities, i dont remember even saying that, in fact i think i have said countless times that i dont think less of them just because they had sex, but they would have lost what im looking for in a relationship, i dont know how it would be different that to reject someone based on different ideals, or morals, or outlook in life, etc. is all about what each person wants in their partner, and if you find someone who you dont like because of that, then you have all the right to go look for someone else. the only thing that i consider i dont have a right to is to disrespect them, and im not.and on top of everything i have said, is also fair, i dont see how it would be unfair, if im still a virgin too.and im not saying that the very act of beign with a non virgin is hell, im saying that the unnecesary effort to try and change my feeling about the matter, that would be hell. i dont know why would i have to put with that if i can simply dont get in a relationship like that.
A
male
reader, aresu +, writes (8 August 2011):
aresu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionat chigirl:
im so thankful to you, you really have answered and beign really atentive about my question, so i cant thank you enough. all yout answers have benn very helpful, so yea, im deeply greatful, i think you are the first one to have given me as much tought about this matter, at least possitive one.
i hope you are right about that there are more virgins that is let on. of all the girls i have striken me as good girls i know only one who really is a virgin(and i know it because she is my best friend, and i know for a fact that the others werent, well becasue they didnt really have much problem with saying it in casuall conversation, but i wasnt the one who asked, or the one who bringed it up, just so everyone knows:P)
so i hope i can have better luck finding them. and yes im trying to be a better boyfriend myself improving things about me, i want to be the best boyfriend i can, and to date when i think im ready to be the best, the only reason why im between a rock and a hardplace with with that, is because that when i really reach everything i want to do to consider myself a very good boyfriend, it will be an age when it will really really be very hard to find a virgin, thats the only reason im actually starting to search before i cand end my studies and get a good job, i already have a place in my family job, but i want a good job that i win for myself.
and im ery thankful for giving your personal experience, i know that a lot of people feel uncomfortable doing it, so this makes it even more meaningful. and about the point you made with that experience, yes i think i figured it was like that, when im trying to put myself in the shoes of another i can imagine that is really must not be the same with everyone, and if you broke up with someone, you have good reasons for that, and that wuld make it awkward to be comparing to someone that you are not involved anymore. so i think i can understand the concept that a new partner means a new experience and it will not get old. i can understand all that, hats why i dont think of people less just because they have had sex already.
and if a find a girlfriend, then yes i will let you guys know how it goes, i dont mind sharing it, and im sure you can help me along the road.
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A
male
reader, aresu +, writes (8 August 2011):
aresu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShare Bear:
yea i know it may sound like im putting more emphasis on virginity rather than love, but is not like that, of course i want you get to love somone and that they also love me, is what everyone ultimately wants, is just that the virgin requeriment is very important to me.
i know that most people say that you cant cant choose who you fall for, well, i wouldnt be so sure, yea i havent fell for anyone yet, but i think that love is something that takes hard work and long time, if i didnt give a girl a chance because she didnt meet my criteria then i would not have chance to get to love her, and i will try to not get to that before i can know that she meets the things i want, sure the virgin issue is not something i can bring up in the firsts dates, but like say in a couple of months, and i dont think i would get to love her in just a couple of months, infutated is a possibility, but not love i think.
so yea i guess that in a sense people do choose who they love. also you said that i may en up rejecting people who could make me happy, and im aware of that, i know im leaving perfectly good and nice girls out of my list, but for my beign with another virgin is so important that i know that i would have a very very hard time dealing with the fact that she wasnt and i was.
people have told me that i should find a good girl and if i have a problem with her lack of virginity, i should start to go to counseling, and i dont agree with that, because to be with a significant other is not about to try and force yourself and try to be happy in a relationship. i know that a relationship takes work, but another is to work just to be able to stand it, and i dont want that kind of emotional torture every single day when im supposed to be enjoying my time with my signifficant other.
but i appreciate your answer, everyone who takes their time to answer is already helping me in a way or another.
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A
male
reader, aresu +, writes (8 August 2011):
aresu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionat chigirl:im so thankful to you, you really have answered and beign really atentive about my question, so i cant thank you enough. all your answers have been very helpful, so yea, im deeply greatful, i think you are the first one to have given me as much tought about this matter, at least possitive one.i hope you are right about that there are more virgins than is let on. of all the girls i have striken me as good girls i know only one who really is a virgin(and i know it because she is my best friend, and i know for a fact that the others werent, well becasue they didnt really have much problem with saying it in casuall conversation, but i wasnt the one who asked, or the one who brought it up, just so everyone knows:P)so i hope i can have better luck finding them. and yes im trying to be a better boyfriend myself improving things about me, i want to be the best boyfriend i can, and to date when i think im ready to be the best, the only reason why im between a rock and a hardplace with with that, is because that when i really reach everything i want to do to consider myself a very good boyfriend, it will be an age when it will really really be very hard to find a virgin, thats the only reason im actually starting to search before i can end my studies and get a good job, i already have a place in my family job, but i want a good job that i win for myself.and im very thankful for giving your personal experience, i know that a lot of people feel uncomfortable doing it, so this makes it even more meaningful. and about the point you made with that experience, yes i think i figured it was like that, when im trying to put myself in the shoes of another i can imagine that is really must not be the same with everyone, and if you broke up with someone, you have good reasons for that, and that would make it awkward to be comparing to someone that you are not involved anymore. so i think i can understand the concept that a new partner means a new experience and it will not get old. i can understand all that, thats why i dont think of people less just because they have had sex already.and if a find a girlfriend, then yes i will let you guys know how it goes, i dont mind sharing it, and im sure you can help me along the road.
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A
male
reader, aresu +, writes (8 August 2011):
aresu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShare Bear:yea i know it may sound like im putting more emphasis on virginity rather than love, but is not like that, of course i want you get to love somone and that they also love me, is what everyone ultimately wants, is just that the virgin requeriment is very important to me.i know that most people say that you cant cant choose who you fall for, well, i wouldnt be so sure, yea i havent fell for anyone yet, but i think that love is something that takes hard work and long time, if i didnt give a girl a chance because she didnt meet my criteria then i would not have chance to get to love her, and i will try to not get to that before i can know that she meets the things i want, sure the virgin issue is not something i can bring up in the firsts dates, but like say in a couple of months, and i dont think i would get to love her in just a couple of months, infatuated is a possibility, but not love i think.so yea i guess that in a sense people do choose who they love. also you said that i may en up rejecting people who could make me happy, and im aware of that, i know im leaving perfectly good and nice girls out of my list, but for my beign with another virgin is so important that i know that i would have a very very hard time dealing with the fact that she wasnt and i was. people have told me that i should find a good girl and if i have a problem with her lack of virginity, i should start to go to counseling, and i dont agree with that, because to be with a significant other is not about to try and force yourself and try to be happy in a relationship. i know that a relationship takes work, but another is to work just to be able to stand it, and i dont want that kind of emotional torture every single day when im supposed to be enjoying my time with my significant other.but i appreciate your answer, everyone who takes their time to answer is already helping me in a way or another.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2011): 'i may never find her and some day i will end up giving up and will have to go through hell to try and change one of my long time standard, when the worst is that it wasnt even unfair to ask for it in the first place, that i may end up suffering for something that I wasn't even wrong expecting.'Okay... maybe this is part and parcel of being new to relationships. But I'm concerned by your assuming this as your 'right'.Women are not 'commodities'. You have no right to 'expect' a woman to be a virgin, any more than a woman would have the right to 'expect' you to have experience. We all are what we and no one has the right to 'expect' anyone they meet to arrive with a list of particulars as a household appliance.The world does not owe you any relationship any more than it owes you a living. If you tell this to any girl you might meet and spend the rest of your life with, that had she not been a virgin when you first met, then you feel that it would have been 'hell' to be with her- I think she would be devastated.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 August 2011):
 Well, you just have to be very open about it. You have to say that you are looking for someone who is also a virgin and be open about that, so that if you do happen to meet a woman who is a virgin she will know she's got a chance with you.Then of course be attractive as a boyfriend yourself, have a job, work out, read and be smart, be nice and kind and respectful and all of that. Getting a girlfriend even if you don't have standards, and keeping her, is hard work in itself. There's plenty of virgins out there, I've had 3 of them personally, not that you can generalize off of me, but 3 virgins per person gives you a high chance of meeting one yourself, and I was adult when I met them too. Most however wait inly until they find someone they love. And if you seek someone your own age you'll have to hurry up before she falls in love with someone else. Or you're bound to search for the younger ones, or drop some of your other criteria. But with how many virgin women come on this site wondering how they will ever find a man to love them and share their first times etc, I don't think you'll have a hard time at all finding her. You just might not end up loving her, or have her loving you, which is a risk you take with everyone you date... so if you do find that virgin woman, try to build up a relationship before you rush to sex.I just have to clear up one misconception you have, and it is a common mistake to make when you don't know better. Nothing is "old and used" just because you've done a sexual act before. Every time with a new partner is special, unless you're some insensitive player douchebag. Everything is different from person to person, without comparison. It's not less in any way, it's just different, and it doesn't get old at all. If sex in this or that way got "old and used" then people would stop having sex after a couple of years now wouldn't they...? Just to make you relax. You'll figure that one out once you get the experience, but until then try not to let that thought worry you. Nothing gets old. If it helps you understand what I mean I will tell you of my latest ex. He was a virgin when we got together, and everything was literally new to him. Having a naked man in my bed wasn't new to me, but having HIM naked in my bed was new. Exploring HIS body was new, I'd never done that before. Exploring how we worked together was new, feeling his kisses was new, his scent was new, everything about him from how he looked at me to his littles touch on my skin was new, and it gave me butterflies in my belly, and made me excited, couldn't keep my hands off of him and at the same time made me shy like I'd never seen a naked man before.When you're in love and get intimate with the one your heart desires for the first times you always end up feeling like a sky 14 year old with no experience, it makes you all giggly and nervous. No matter how many other partners you've had, you never think "oh here we go again, yawn, better get it over with". You'll see for yourself when you get your girlfriend number two. You'll be plenty excited about her as well. Often we get even more excited, because by then we've figured out more of what we actually need in a partner and have a better chance at the next person matching us better.Once you do find girl number one to share it all with, give us an update or write in again, it'll be exiting to see how things move along and how you experience it, if you wouldn't mind sharing.
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reader, aresu +, writes (7 August 2011):
aresu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionim very thankful to everyone who has answered, is very good to get the opinion of different people and outlook in this matter.
at chigirl:
special thanks to you, you have been very attentive to this question, and im very thankful for that. and im not offended for anything you have said, i know that you really want to help and that you think very well what you post.
yea, i know my reasoning is somewhat complicated, thats why i have a hard time trying to explain it, and most of the time i always cause misundertandings in what i try to say about the topic, i dont know any person who thinks like i do, both on internet or real life, i think im just weird like that. i also know that what i ask is hard, in fact i may even never find it, i know some guys who also tried waiting for one, and one of them got as far to wait as 40, and the others more or less gave up in their 20s or 30s i dont really remember.
those kinds of things is waht make me be even more self concious about this, every single day my pool of potential mates shrinks more and more, and im realistic to assume that i may never find her and some day i will end up giving up and will have to go trough hell to try and change one of my long time starndard, when the worst is that it wasnt even unfair to ask for it in the first place, that i may end up suffering for something that wasnt even wrong expecting.
one of the guys i talked about, one of the ones who gave up trying to find a virgin now is having a hard time accepting that whatever he does sexually and is new to him is old to the other person, and i have heard stories of people in similar situation who had to give up that standard, what im trying to say is that everywhere i look every single thing is against me:
*the girl i want is already hard to find and each day is geting harder.
*people generally dont sympathize with me, is already hard enough looking for one, is even worse when people gives you a hard time about it, it makes me feel bad and im not doing anything wrong.
*i may never find her, and it would make all the hardships for nothing.
*even if by some miracle i do happen to find her, she has to like me too, which i cant know.
so i would appreciate what you or any agony unt for that matter can say about it, anything that my make this search easier, i know that you guys arent psychics but any help with reward to those problems will be very very appreciatted.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (7 August 2011):
Well, at the end of the day you do what you want to do of course. My response was not meant to try and convince you otherwise, just a little heads up. Losing virginity before the age of 18 might be counted as a mistake to you, but you're bound to meet 18 year olds who waited until they were 18, they just didn't meet you first, or you will meet someone older than you who also did it as an adult... It wasn't a mistake then according to you, yet that's not what you want anyway, is it? See that's why your reasoning is complicated, because by that argument you're just saying anyone who waited until 18 is "ok" in your book, but they aren't, because you still want that virgin, no matter how old she is really.
But, before you think I'm arguing against you. I agree with you on many things. I too want someone who has the same level of experience if I am to enter a relationship with them. I'm just on the opposite end, while you are new and fresh at relationships (and seek someone equally new at the game) I am sick and tired of the ones who haven't ever had a serious relationship first, some of them were virgin too yes. The virginity wasn't a negative in itself in those relationships, the negative was that I have too much experience to want to teach someone new over and over how a relationship is done and what it means to be in one and how you should treat the other person and how to have a debate etc.
So, same as you, I too want someone who is my equal when it comes to relationship experience. I think most of us want that, it's just that while your level is easily recognized (you're completely new at it) the rest of us have a hard time pinning down where we are at the ladder of experience and who would be a suitable match.
To sum it up: what you're asking for isn't that weird.
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A
female
reader, Share Bear  +, writes (7 August 2011):
 Hey, OP, I agree with Chigirl in that you're maybe tying yourself in knots by trying to over-explain and justify this preference.I also think that her comment;'You think you want virginity, but what you NEED is someone who loves you and respects you. Just keep it in mind for later.'-Is key to understanding this. It’s clear from your post that you'd prefer sharing 'virginity'... But at what cost? I can't help but feel that right now you're putting virginity above 'love'. We can't choose who we fall for- sometimes it just happens, and then we can't eat sleep or rest for thinking and dreaming about that person. I'd hate for you to walk away from someone you fall head over heels in love with, just to satisfy such a specific 'preference'.Of course it’s absolutely your call. I just think the whole preference for this might risk your missing out on someone that might make you very happy.It might be worth your giving a good deal of thought to what you really want in a relationship. Like I say- of course it's absolutely your call, I just wonder if you might gain a lot of happiness through being a little more open minded towards people that could make you very happy. Because that's what life's all about, isn't it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2011): There is no reason to call someone insecure for wanting something different in a partner than you . . . unless maybe you are insecure about your worth as a partner yourself.
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male
reader, aresu +, writes (6 August 2011):
aresu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionat chigirl:thanks for replying again, your attention is appreciated, i just want to point out some things to make them clear.okay, maybe you didnt feel that having lost your virginity was anymore special just because he was one too, and thats completely fine too, anyone has the right to make of virginity what they want, and if for you is no big deal, ok, that counts too. so yea, the stance in virginity is mental, and everyone has different opinions about it, but for me is important, a lot. and about what i want and what i need, thats subjetive, sure there are some things that obviously everyone needs in a healthy relationship, like love, commitment, loyalty, honesty, etc. but thats in every relationship, and people has the right to reject people who dont meet what they want, so what im trying to say is that there is no point making that argument because is obvious, but that doesnt we need to forget the things we want, it simply wouldnt work if you had to pretend that those things are not important to you.and yea, i would rather keep this simple, but the problem is, that people dont accept it, because they just dont understand it themselves, they alway want explanations, i know i dont need to give them explanations, but here i need to clear this topic as much as i can so people can have an easier time giving me their oppinion of this.and you said i contradic myself when i said "I know that people make mistakes, but i want someone who hadn't made those kinds of mistakes" and i said "and i wouldnt stop liking her if we were to lose it to each other(thats a no brainer but apparently some people think so)." so i will explain it again. im 18, so if a girl has lost their virginity already, chances are that they started too young to be doing it anyway, and thats what i consider a mistake, if you are very young you should not be having sex, but i think that 18 is a perfectly reasonable time, so if a were to lose my virginity to a girl i think it would be at a more appropiate age.i think that anonymous male is right, that people dont make it a big deal so they think that everyone shouldnt either, and i find that weird, because even tough i dont have the same views as most people, i can understand why it would not be a big deal to them, i understand them, so i dont know why cant they understand me, maybe they feel like im judging them or something.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 August 2011):
Well, I lost my virginity to a man who was also a virgin, by chance. It didn't make it any more special if that's what you think... This idea that it is special is mental, it's something you have created in your mind. I'm just saying, so you don't get shocked when later in life you discover that sex with someone you love deeply feels a whole lot different than sex with someone you think you wanted, but didn't feel that way about.
There's a difference between what you think you WANT in a relationship and what you actually NEED. You think you want virginity, but what you NEED is someone who loves you and respects you. Just keep it in mind for later.
Reminder to you: keep it simple. You want a woman who is a virgin so that your first times will be her first times. Equality as you said. Try not to over-explain this as you just end up contradicting yourself and offending people. It is not hard to understand what you want as long as you stop confusing everyone by lengthy incorrect descriptions, because you just contradict yourself (as I pointed out in my other post). When explaining this criteria, keep it SIMPLE and in one phrase! "I want to be on the same level as her sexually for my first sexual relationship". There. It is confusing if you try and add much more to it. People do understand you as long as you make it clear what you want by phrasing it simple and correctly.
And, don't ever be with a woman who you might suspect is lying to you. You said if you found out she lied you'd kick her out, fair enough. But at the same time this witnesses of you being overly cautious, maybe even suspicious. You have to just trust the woman, and you have to trust her in many things that you will never get any proof of. That's why trust is one of the corner stones of a relationship. You have to trust her so much that if she tells you the moon is made out of cheese you will believe her. You need good common sense, yes, but you do need trust. If you do not feel you can trust the person you are with 100% then she is not the one for you and I would suggest you move on to find someone else.
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male
reader, aresu +, writes (6 August 2011):
aresu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionat anonymous female reader:i know that she may not bleed or anything, i know that the hymen can be broken by a lot of other things, and some women may even be born without one, and some can even have sex and it doesnt break and some non virgins may even have hymen reconstructuon. no im not looking to break a hymen, i just want to be the first one. and i would still consider her a virgin if she lost it unwillingly, for causes like rape.the only problem is that i will have to trust her word for it, and my worst nightmare is to end up with a liar, the moment i found she lied about it i would end it immediattely.
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male
reader, aresu +, writes (6 August 2011):
aresu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionat deirdre11:
i aprreciate your insight and yes im aware that nobody is perfect, im not perfect either and no one is or will be, and i know it may be very difficult borderline unrealistic, im aware of the complications my criteria will bring me, thats why im worried, if it wasnt difficult i doubt i would be :).
but no i dont consider them damaged goods like you think i do, im aware that im leaving good girls out of my list of potential mates, but i simply want equalty, that they give what i can give, i know it will be difficult and most people will not understand my view, but i would never be confortable if i had to sacrifice things that are very important to me, i would not want to be in a relationship were i would have to put up everyday with very hurtful toughts, that wouldnt be an enjoyable and fulfilling relationship, and they way i feel is not something that i can or want to change.
another point, im not looking for marriage just yet, that part of my question was misunderstood, im looking for a serious relationship were in a future it culd turn in marriage material, i dont want to fool around either, so a relationship just for the kicks of it, is not something i want.
and about joining religous groups, that would be impossible, as im an atheist. but i appreciate your opinion i can tell that you really want to help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2011): Good question by "bunnyblueeyes" she makes a good point. You can still discover you are with the wrong person after you have had sex also.
I agree that you will find it difficult because you ask for a lot in a girl. I don't agree with sleeping around and casual sex, but I do believe in being realistic also. I am telling you now, no girl is going to have every requirement you are looking for, good looks, friendly, non-smoker, non-drinker, intelligent, loyal, kind, truthfull and on top of all that she MUST be a virgin.
You will be extremely lucky if you find a girl that meets all those requirements, because you are looking for the PERFECT human being and im afraid to disappoint you but nobody is perfect, not even you my friend. So you want a girl to meet all those requirements and not forgeting you'll have to meet hers too, thats alot of pressure before a relationship even takes off.
Yes in an ideal world people would have all those requirements and people would only ever have one sexual partner throughout their whole entire life and that person would be "the one" and they would live happily ever after. You are young and you have yet to learn that life is far more complicated than that.
We are all only human beings, and as human beings we fall in and out of love (within reason of course). Part of falling in love is that you share everything with that person, once you can trust them, once they care about you, love you, respect you, well then you open up and you share your thoughts, your emotions and yes your body.
There is nothing wrong with that if both people are in a relationship and love eachother. However things happen, life can become complicatied, maybe both people in the relationship want to persue different things, their careers might prevent them from continuing that relationship, they might grow apart.
The point is life throws all sorts of complications our way, so nobody knows for sure,things change and people can change. So even if you find this "special girl" and have sex that does not mean it will definitely last forever. So what is she damaged goods in your opinion as you would not view her to be girlfriend material?
Do you see how your view is a little naive? I admire that you want a respectable girl and dislike casual sex, but a girl with all those requirements is unrealistic. You say you date to find a marital partner, in my opinion this should not be the case at your age, It should just be fun without the casual sex and see where it takes you, you could grow to love eachothers personalities, regardless of whether she is a virgin.
If you are still not convinced well I suggest you join a church or religious group that strongly encourages your principles within its community, you may stand a better chance that way.
I hope you find someone that makes you happy and content.
Good Luck.x
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): Happy hunting...all possible...be careful what you ask for because years of NICE is so xxxxxx BORING.
Spunky Monkey
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): I agree with the anoymous male who posted 'Your virgin requirement is completely reasonable for a young virgin like yourself.'
Virginity wasn't an issue for me, but I would make certain other mistakes deal breakers. Some might call that picky and it is. When it comes to chosing a life partner one has every right to be discrimminating. Nothing you're asking for is outlandish, in my opinion. There are many young women out there who share your philosophy.
The best place to find such women is to be where they are. Google dating sites that cater to that group.
Something you should consider though is that blood on the sheets and extreme pain are not proof of virginity. What if you find the perfect woman who claims she is a virgin who doesn't bleed or experience much pain? You might end up tossing her aside thinking she lied to you when she didn't.
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reader, aresu +, writes (5 August 2011):
aresu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks everyone for helping me out and giving their thoughts, is much apreciatted and i can see the matter at hand from other people perspectives.i just want to make something clear, im not religious, im an atheist, and i wouldnt mind if she is unless she is like, hardcore religious).at chigirl:im not insecure of comparison to previous lovers, i already mntioned it in my question, sure is not like it makes me feel better, and certanly doesnt help, but thats not my reason.as i already said, i dont consider a woman less just because she had sex, maybe this doesnt make sense to you, and maybe even say that it contradicts what i seek, but thats something i want, i want someone like myself, i had saved for the right girl and i would like that she has too.and no i dont think tat you only need one partner in life, but i havent had anyone yet, and i want her to be in m same conditions, if i were to lose my virginity too, i would forget about this criteria, the thing is not because i think is wrong to have had sex, all what i want is someone with equal sexual status as myself, is not about insecurity nor is about to judge her about what she has done, is just about that i want the same thing that im giving, that all.ohh and i dont consider the sex act itself as a mistake, but you see, im only 18, that the age that i consider that is the minimum age to be having sex, is someone were to star having sex earlier chances are they started too young, and thats what i consider a mistake, i know that most people do it, and is the norm in these days, but that doesnt make it right.at bunnyblueeyes:yea as i have said in my question, if i happen to lose it to her, then yes i would drop that criteria, if i didnt i would be an hypocrite. and as i have said i can undestand if she had sex thinking that he was the one, i wont judge her for it and i wouldnt think less of her just for that, that was the decision she considered best and i would respect it, but thats not what im looking for. i want someone who can give me what i can give, what i want is equalty, even if the have done nothing wrong.
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reader, bunnyblueeyes +, writes (5 August 2011):
 One question. If you found this one virginal, perfect women, and you thought she was the one, you had sex, and after a few months you realised it wasn't working, what then?? Would you drop that criteria? If so then her being a virgin has nothing to do with your moral fibre and everything to do with your confidence and insecurity. Maybe she had the 'love' that you are waiting for, slept with him and he left her. Must she never look for love again? I don't believe that love can only come once. She may be you perfect match. Be careful not to disregard a women because of her past.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (5 August 2011):
Well.. to be honest I don't understand the virginity issue either. You didn't make it clear exactly WHY you want her to be a virgin, other than that you yourself as a virgin. But, then what?
"I know that people make mistakes, but i want someone who hadn't made those kinds of mistakes"
Do you ever plan to have sex with her? If so, then you wont be a virgin anymore yourself, nor will she... What does that make you then? Would you call having sex a mistake? Would you say that you and her sharing sex would be a mistake?
"and i wouldnt stop liking her if we were to lose it to each other(thats a no brainer but apparently some people think so)."
Well, you contradicts yourself, that's why it's hard to understand. You aren't seeking a virgin because you believe in only one partner for your entire life, or no sex before marriage, or anything religious. You just don't want your first time to be with someone who's already been with someone else?
And, why's that? Sure, you do as you please, Im not arguing you, Im just trying to help you figure out WHY you want what you want. As I see it this comes down to insecurity. You are afraid she will judge your performance and compare you with her ex. And this fear you see is an irrational one. Hence why you shouldn't get stuck in this idea, because a woman who loves you and cares for you will not compare you with anyone else but understand that each individual is different.
"The thing is, finding that special girl is hard, even tough i would like to avoid unnecesary break ups, is not like i can start a relationship asking if she is a virgin"
You're right, it would be odd to ask if she's a virgin, as it is private matters and none of your business to know unless you're already pretty intimate. But, it's a deal breaker to you. You want to lose your virginity to another virgin, right? That's the core of it. After that you don't mind if she's not a virgin as you wouldn't be one yourself either. So it's quite simple really. You can find that. But, you don't ask such a thing on the first date, which means you need to date her for a while, maybe even several months, before you take it to the level where you ask her these questions, and figure out whether or not she is someone you want to start a sexual relationship with. It could very well be that you will fall in love or she will fall in love, and then you will have to break it off because she isn't a virgin. But that's how you need to do it, otherwise you can't find her.
You never know, she might also give out information without you asking. But in any case, when you sense that things are developing and getting more serious, you NEED to ask directly to make things clear before either of you go in too deep and end up heartbroken.
If I was you I'd date around, and when the time comes for things to either get more serious or fall apart, ask the question. Before you determine that you will be exclusive with each other, ask the fundamental question (all the other deal breakers you'd probably have figured out by now). Here's how I'd phrase it: "I like you very much, but before we go any further there is something I need to talk to you about. I am a virgin. And I would like to have my first sexual relationship with a woman who is also a virgin. It is something that means a lot to me on a personal level."
Then if she isn't make it very clear that you do not mean any disrespect, and respect her very much, but this is just how you feel around it, and how you want things to be. If she's really into you, but not a virgin, tell her that if you weren't a virgin you'd love to date her, but that you want your first sexual relationship with a woman to also be her first sexual relationship, out of personal reasons.
Do NOT call sex a "mistake", because that is offensive and also contradictory (because you want sex yourself, and you wouldn't call THAT a mistake).
During dates you could bring up the topic of how you view sex and "fish" for a response, maybe she agrees with you and the facts are revealed by themselves that way.
Or, if you don't want to let things develop naturally, and are very scared of developing feelings and then having to reject her (or be rejected yourself for that matter), you could be more direct. After the first two dates, or three dates, if things have gone well, tell her what I wrote. It might be too early, but stress that you only ask because you do not want to misguide her or lead her on, or develop feelings, unless there is a chance that it can go deeper.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): Your virgin requirement is completely reasonable for a young virgin like yourself.
But just because it's reasonable that does not mean everyone else will treat you reasonably for it. A lot of non-virgins will judge you for your choice if it excludes them. Many people will not distinguish between turning them down for a relationship and thinking less of them as a person. They just know it's not a big deal to them so they think it should not be a big deal to you either.
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reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 August 2011):
 Sounds to me like you need to stay out of the bars and go church shoping. You want a "nice girl" and they are VERY hard to find....Enrol in a comunity college and/or go to a prodestanr church.
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