A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:UPDATEAfter finding out about my husbands affairs just over a year ago (3 over our 20 years of marriage)and all the lies and excuses i have finally LEFT HIM,i tried to make it work i love him with all heart but can not be with him any more.It took a year to try and work out if i could forgive him after many up's and down's lots of tears and the fact that he started hitting me always sorry afterwards made up my mind that i married a person who i never really knew at all,i spent many months blaming myself for all the things he had done,even now he can't say why he had these affairs only that he got away with it and he liked the excitement of never getting caught(untill i found out Feb 2008)then it was a different story,he loved me and never meant to hurt me and so sorry for all the pain he caused me yeah right,if a person really loves you they would not do the things my husband did to me.I made a list of why i should stay with him, and one why i should leave and the list for leaving out- weighed why i should stay.ITs early days yet(only a week since i left)but i wont answer my phone or ring him as i know i will give in to his pleas and deep down there is no going back,he has thrown away 28 years for what?What i feel is anger,betrayel,hatred,to a person who did not have any respect for me.Any one else who finds themself in a simulair situation i think you can forgive them once but if they do it again there really is no excuse,(i only found out about the other 2 in Nov 08).The one i found out about i did think it was a mid life crisis cos of the situation and the age of the other women untill i learned of the others then i was shattered to realise he was always a cheater and in my mind always will be,i feel he could never change cos that is what he is.I hope i can get over this i have not been on my own for 28 years and i am feeling very sad and alone at the moment but knowing i have made the right decision. X
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female
reader, WW_Oxford +, writes (1 April 2009):
Hi we are in an almost identical situation, but I haven't fianlly pulled the plug. Writing a list of why you should stay or go sounds like a really good idea, but it's not an even list is it? Some things more than outweigh others. I know how hard it is for you. It's been over a year since I found out about my DH's affair and I'm not sleeping at night still. I think that now you have made the decision it should get easier for you, it's the most difficult thing for me. Good luck and don't feel you've wasted your life, it's his loss not yours!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Many thanks for all your replies,still early days yet but will keep you posted how i am coping.X
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): Good for you! Continue to be strong, you do not need him.
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A
female
reader, Serenity1  +, writes (10 March 2009):
 I really envy you. Not only am I trying to do the same, but the man I'm involved with already has a gf, and she knows about us, and still haven't left him.she said she's fine as long as she's #1, and im not fine at all with being #2, so im trying to break away...it's been challenging but it's getting better..im just so proud of you to say the least and hope that i will have as much strength as you one day...stay strong and show him you don't need him!!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 March 2009):
 *Congratulations*
Take some time and mourn the loss of the marriage and then put you and yourself on the top of your list. YOU didn't MAKE him cheat, YOU didn't betray your marriage, YOU gave it your best shot.
Keep the no-contact going til you feel like he means nothing.
28 years is a long time - let it go.
Forgive yourself for the anger and other hostile feelings towards him, they are OK to feel. But don't linger and don't wallow.
Take time to make a list of stuff you want to see/do. And work on it. get your nails, hair, a massage, facial, basically take some time and pamper YOU. Then enjoy the fact that when you get home you don't have to worry about who he's screwing, where he is, all the what if's concerning him are irrelevant.
He is irrelevant. He is part of you past. Don't let him goad you into more anger or upset. Karma will take care of him :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): You go girlfriend!!!! I did the same although he wasn't cheating, well in sense he was cheating me with drugs, lies, abuse and control. It took me over 16 years to give up hope of change! I'm a slow learner!
I have survived to love again, and you will too! I know first hand, that it is a tough road ahead, but you have done the right thing and will be so empowered by taking control of your life back!
Women like us have so much to share on this site! Use all those negative memories to help other suffering women who feel hopeless and trapped!
I have turned all my bad experiences into a wealth of resources to help others!
Stay Strong!
Good Luck and God Bless!
Britt
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): no need to be with a cheater.the past is yesterday, the future is today, so put one foot in front of the other and walk yourself through this. it wont be easy, but keep yourself buisy and DONT LOOK BACK!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): WELL DONE I so so wish I had the courage to wall away from my cheating partner like you. I truly hope you find the happeness you deserve good luck x
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (10 March 2009):
 Congratulations on your upcoming bright and happy years ahead of you! It took a lot of courage, but I can you walking out of this relationship a stronger and prouder person. You showed us you have regained your integrity and respect by yourself, which he robbed you off when he repeatedly cheated on you.
It will be hard I am sure, but please do not let him continue to control your emotions and erode your happiness with your hatred and anger. You are the better and bigger person than him.
Perhaps when you have time, you can come back to this site and help others who are in similar situations by giving good advice? You have the best credentials, because you now been officially "trained" by the best university in the world: Life! Graduated with summa magna cum laude too! :-)
Best wishes to you!
Cat
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): wow, I have a lot of respect for someone who is trying to be brave. Yes, after 28 years things will be different but you will have your pride and your self respect. I congratulate you! You deserve the best so from now on, take care of yourself. Put yourself first and learn to heal - hour by hour, day by day, week by week and month by month (and so forth). You may have bad days but be strong. Cry if you need to, you are mourning the loss of a marriage but certainly let those tears make you stronger. Don't give in to him. Later on, when you have healed, maybe you can let someone else into your life. You deserve happiness. Start living your life to the fullest - take up a new hobby, even start dancing lessons. Anything to keep yourself busy. Surround yourself with people that love and value you. Let this be the beginning of the rest of your life. MAKE YOURSELF A PRIORITY. HEAL AND LOVE YOURSELF. YOU DESERVE IT!!
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