A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:HiThis is quite hard for me. My fiances daughter is nearly 16 and she has aspergers. I'm finding this very hard to cope with. Its like she's 10 always something wrong with her and when there is my partner has to drop everything and run for her,its almost like she plays up to it. I know I sound really horrible and so childish but there's no way to say this :/I feel like everything has to go around her all the time even though she doesn't live with us. Iv tried to speak to my partner about it but its like what I say doesn't matter. Like tonight at 9:30 she txt him moaning that she wanted to go home from her aunts and he dropped me like a hot plate to go drive 2hrs to pick her up. Also I'm pregnant and have 2 kids and he makes me feel like we don't matter when it comes to her. I really don't know what to do coz he just won't even try and understand how I feel.HELP someone please, thank you x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): Hi anon, I don't know anything about Asperger's but I know about a father's commitment to his children. It is simple. You are with someone that has a disabled child. Even if the child wasn't disabled, the child would STILL and ALWAYS come first. You are the adult in the situation and need to understand that a disabled child requires a lot of attention. And consider this - how much attention do you think that child gets from others? Don't you think that she is ridiculed at school and probably hates going to her relatives houses (like any other kid)? Children, and teenage girls, need a lot of attention to be able to function normally, and cultivate a good mindset. A child with Asperger's needs even more. You chose to be in this relationship. If you can't handle it, you will have to leave. Do not try to change the father, or the daughter.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): I think you are not the right woman for him, Sorry!
The fact is, his daughter has special needs and if you are not able to accept this now,you never will.
spunky monkey
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 September 2012):
 She is his daughter, and she has a big problem, Asperger's. Of course she comes first, what do you expect ?! The needs and demands of a child with issues always come before those of an adult fiancee' or of other less troubled, happier, better adjusted children, whether they are his own or yours only.
A caring parent gives more to a child who needs more.
I don't doubt that this may be a frustrating situation which can challenge your patience and will require from you love, tact and comprehension. But - it's not a new situation, if you don't feel like handling maybe you should rethink all your level on involvement with this guy.
I disagree that an Aspie kid needs tough love to harden up and become more independent. But I am not a psychiatrist, I could be wrong. And your fiance' could be wrong in being so attentive . Yet, it's his daughter and it's his choice how he wants to handle her, a choice that he has the right to make. You only have to decide if you can support his choices or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2012): I can relate to your post, but do feel your being a bit harsh on your intended. My husband and I have a 19yr old son who has aspergers as well as semantic pragmatic communication disorder ADHD and behavioural issues. In saying that we then had two little girls one who is now 5 and the other 1 who do not have our sons issues. It is very difficult striking a balance between all three as our son is constantly demanding, he will follow us about like a puppy at times and I can tell you that everyday is very hard work though to me very rewarding . (He is a very sweet young man. )I can appreciate that being pregnant and needing your husband to be, who you feel is being manipulated by his daughter, is upsetting. His daughter, like our son can't help how they are, they need that reassurance and like the previous advice post to you. You should be glad and supportive that he does, he is after all her dad too. Could you not have her came and stay for a weekend get to know her better, be prepared to be her friend, she has her mom, but that doesn't mean you can't have a role . That may help your understanding of her and maybe start a bond.I can see its difficult, we're lucky we are all under one roof, so to speak. But you do need to sit down and talk it over with your intended. She is never going to function like your children will and will always need her dad and mom and you if you so desire.. Making it work, will be hard work, good communication and talking it through with your intended I hope will help.Best wishes sending a hug.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 September 2012):
 I see two possible scenarios:
You don't say if the two children you have are also his or not. If they are his, does this mean the 16 year old's demands have become frequent of late, or is it only now that they are starting to bug you?
If the two children you currently have are not his, maybe his daughter is feeling threatened, (or maybe her mother is concerned his assistance may be withdrawn) making the daughter more nervous and more demanding. If this is the case you need to ask him what you can do to help lessen the load and make his daughter feel safe and secure, AND also to reassure her mother than you have no intention of allowing your fiance to ignore his responsibilities towards his daughter.
If the two children you have are also his children, then ask yourself are the demands increasing or is your pregnancy, and the changes it brings such as chemical imbalances, increased hormone activity etc, causing you to blow up a situation that has existed since before your children were born. If that is the case you, your fiance and the mother need to work together as a team, to determine why the demands have increased, and how you all, as a team, can work together to ensure balance in every body's lives.
Your fiance seems to be doing the right thing by his special needs child, if you cannot accept his committment to her you may need to reconsider your coming nuptials.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, demeplev  +, writes (23 September 2012):
 I agree with the others,
I have a teenage daughter with aspergers and other issues and SHE always comes first, sorry you seem unable or a bit immature in this reagard you with as many kids as you have should understand, plus HE or the child didnt ask to have this, its challenging and a very difficult road.
I love that he is there for her at the drop of a hat I wish my ex cared about his daughter, what a shame. This situation may be too difficult and not a good fit for you. I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2012): This is a complicated situation. One of the traits people with Asperger have is their inability to perceive what others are thinking or feeling. Thus, what the daughter sometimes does can be seen as inconsiderate. But, that's just something anyone as an adult has to come to terms with. Considering how she will become your step-daughter, you could show more concern for her (not saying you're apathetic or against her; I can empathize with how you feel). By the way, if the daughter doesn't live with you, does she stay with her mother on a regular basis? If so, is her mother re-married/dating? I don't know her family situation, so it's difficult to access how much parental care she needs. In general, she probably needs more attention than your average teenager. Overall, I don't see any way for you to get your fiance to be less attuned to his daughter. I'm sure he cares about you and his other children, but being that his daughter doesn't seem to be a part of his daily life, he might feel a stronger sense of duty to her? Maybe when you try to convey your feelings to him, you unintentionally come off as selfish and dismissible? You do have to show a level of consideration for his daughter (who is at a difficult age and even more in a difficult, dare I say and I don't mean to offend, condition?) Reflect on that and try talking to your fiance again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2012): I have a seven year old boy and he has autism. If he is a good father, which it looks like he is, he is going to put his daughter FIRST, ALWAYS, that means BEFORE you and BEFORE your children.Until and if you ever walk in the shoes of a special needs parent and have even an ounce of understanding of how demanding it is, you have no right to talk to him about anything. He is taking care of his child and she requires a lot more special attention because she is not typical. Unfortunately, you just don't get this.If you cannot handle that this is his reality -- believe me, he did not choose it -- then you need to find yourself someone else.His daughter needs him. She needs a good father who will do everything he can for her. It sounds like he is this type of a man.Instead of complaining, why don't you offer him some support, because he NEEDS it, and tell him how much you admire his strength and his commitment to his child. And do all that you can to be there for them. I am really shocked by your post. Not enough people understand what it is like to raise a special needs child. It is hard work. And I truly respect him for dropping everything for his daughter. Not all fathers would do this.So instead of complaining, really think about whether you have enough character, strength and dignity to accept this situation for what it is. Try to learn from it and grow from it as a person. Realize that you are not the center his universe. Sorry, but that's the truth.Accept it and support him as best you can or find someone else with less baggage that you are willing to handle.You are being unfair, unsupportive, selfish and immature.Really look inside yourself and try to step outside yourself and put yourself in his shoes. If your daugthers had a disability would you want some guy telling you that he was feeling neglected and that you should not drop everything for them? You would probably tell him to f off. How can you expect him to do that then? As a mother, you could surely understand this.
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A
female
reader, lmao1989 +, writes (23 September 2012):
 Ok first of all it is a tough situation.What you need to understand is that there i a lot more to Aspergers. There can be mental problems. One of the main things with people who have Aspergers is the fact that they do not like change it can cause them distress so you being on the scene with 2 children and a baby on the way is going to be a HUGE deal for the 16 year old girl to handle.I assume she has no siblings, also they have comfort zones if they are taken out of that it can also cause them distress and anxiety. Your fiance is probably trying his best to keep his daughter calm and not feel distressed from all of the changes going on that is probably why he's always at her aid. He is trying to keep her in her comfort zone so she doesn't become reclusive and everything.I appreciate he does need to focus on you and the baby on the way but you also need to understand the amount of change that is actually happening in this girls life.My partner is Aspergers and i know when his routine has become different he finds it difficult to deal with but once it's a constant routine he get's into it but if it changes again it's the same thing frustration and so on.Maybe if you let your partner know you understand that he needs to help his daughter he'll be more understanding with you.As i said there is a lot more to Aspergers, she probably wanted to come home as she wasn't in her comfort zone so that's why her father went to get her because it can cause a lot of problems for a child with Aspergers and he obviously understands that hence driving 2 hours.You should let your fiance know that he does have another child on the way and that he needs to try and involve you more with the daughter maybe then you can both have the attention you need.Hope this helps :)
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A
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reader, banditsmom1124 +, writes (23 September 2012):
 yups hes coddling her! i bet he doesnt realize it but hes doing her more harm than good. my son who has autism/aspergers expects me to jump when he needs or wants something...i used to but this past year or so iv been pulling back and hes become a lot more independent. you might want to sit him down and calmly explain this to him.
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