A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:firstly, thank you for taking the time to read my post.I'm having problems with my fiancées mother.Backstory: me and him met in school, at15, we've been together ever since. We got engaged may 2016 in Fiji we had originally planned a two week holiday in march but figi was hit by cyclone Winston so we ended up going to a tiny remote island with one big family and spending two months there helping rebuild it (my boyfriend is a skilled carpenter) and I would help clean carry materials etc. Since then we have been back three times they won't let us pay but when we go we rent a boat to fill with food and other things you can only get from mainland. at the end of fixing up the village the chief gave my boyfriend a ring, completely unexpectedly, to say thank you. So the day we were leaving he proposed to me. Fast forward we're planning the wedding and would love our Fijian friends to be a part of it so we're getting married on the island well do registry in England ceremony in figi. We are paying for 30 close friends and family to go all expenses covered split entirely 50/50 between me and him. My boyfriends mum is going mad she was fine at first but done a U turn yesterday she says we have to invite everyone we have to do it in a Church(she's religious, we are not) she says we're excluding half the family and so on. Yesterday I brought her to my wedding dress fitting and she lost it she told me I'm poisoning her sons brain and pulling him away from his family my mum was mortified and my day was ruined. I didn't get mad I tried to explain its a joint decision and to be honest it was more his. He isn't close with his extended family and sees them maybe once every 3 years at most. It's been that way since before I knew him. Now she has said she will not attend the wedding and will ask my boyfriends brothers to boycott too.Everyone who matters to US will be there.(if they choose to come)If we do call off the wedding in Fiji we will not be inviting any extra guests it will only be small ceremony with close friends and family. And it will 100% not be in a church.We will not put anyone we love out of pocket to come to the wedding so we are paying. I went into so much depth about the engagement because I really want to get across how much this place means to us. We've already planned quite a bit and our friends in Fiji are so excited I don't want to let them down. Thing is I won't let my boyfriend get married without his mum there even though he is insisting. Is there anyway of solving this conflict and getting her to come around? Should I give into my boyfriend and go for it in Fiji even though I think he'll regret it.I don't want to be stubborn but it's our day.I love his mum and would love her to be there but I can't seem to make her understand Thanks to anyone who answers.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 September 2017):
 Gosh I hate when parents get involved, she is being selfish when she should be happy for you. If you both want to go to Fiji that is all that matters. Get your boyfriend to talk to his mum about how important this is to him and he is still going ahead. Tell him to at least try and be gentle with her. Hopefully she will change her mind, but if not then I will say she is acting like a spoiled child and you should not cancel all your plans just to please his mum. It is about you and him, and believe me that is all that will matter on the day.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2017): Yes, there is a way to settle this, and make everyone happy.
Don't spoil your MIL and give her any notion that she will be the matriarch overseeing and ruling over your marriage. That would be a bad start.
Have your destination-wedding in Fiji as planned.
Do not engage your mother-in-law, or have any further confrontation on the matter. Trust that she wouldn't miss her son's wedding-day for the world. One monkey don't stop the show!
She's only throwing a tantrum to toss a wrench into the works, in order to have her way. Your wedding and where you have it isn't her choice to make. She'd have more say if she and your father-in-law were paying for all of it.
Promise her that in a year or two, you will have a vow renewal ceremony. You will let her choose the place, and participate in planning the celebration. That might be a good compromise.
Best wishes for your wedding!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2017): It's your day not hers. You've invited her and even offered to pay for her to come. Shes being unreasonable.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (28 September 2017):
 I am so sorry to hear that you're stressing out during what should be one of the most exciting times in you life. But in all honestly, your soon-to-be mother in law is being unreasonable.
To say such things at your own dress fitting...
I thinks this something your fiance needs to discuss with his mother personally.
I would call her bluff and if she really and truly would miss her own son's wedding and reap discord over something like this, well then, I hope she can live with that decision. My mom used to tease me on and on about disowning if I didn't get married in a church (she's Catholic) but I know for a fact she wouldn't miss it even if it was in Marilyn Manson's backyard lol.
Don't give in! This ceremony is to celebrate the love between you and your fiance in front of supportive, loving friends and family. When you look back on it, you should be able to smile and be content that it you and your fiance had your "dream" wedding. You deserve that!
Go to Fiji. Make some wonderful memories. Congrats!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (28 September 2017):
 My Daughter did not follow the family tradition of church weddings. We did everything we could to make her day the way she wanted. But we are still somewhat sad that she doesn't follow us in the faith area. Fortunately we were wise enough to not blame it on her Spouse, or try to force her into doing things our way. It's been a few years now and her marriage did not suffer from not being at the church. In fact she is now closer in faith to us.
Your MIL to be is making a serious mistake. Hopefully she will see the light in time. If I was in your shoes, I'd keep her ticket open.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (28 September 2017):
Personally I think destination weddings are BS and the ultimate bride/groomzilla act but it's your wedding and if this is what the two of you want then tell future MiL that you want her there but if she refuses to come you will miss her. Your intended has to be on fully on board and you need to be prepared for fall out after the wedding.It sounds as if you have plenty of money so when you get home throw a reception and invite his extended family it may not placate his mother completely but it could be a start.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (28 September 2017):
 I think that since it's you and your fiance's day that it should be up to the two of you where you have your wedding and who the two of you invite.
The thing is if you give her your finger then guess what? In future she will take your entire hand.
Firstly, I don't get why she didn't take it straight to her son and let him explain that that's what the two of you want instead of bringing it to you... she just seems like a trouble maker in my book. It's like she's being nasty on purpose.
The idea that you guys have is really brilliant and it involves the people that the two of you deem necessary in your lives so why should she dictate who gets to go? It's a really thoughtful idea that will ensure that you and your hubby to be enjoy your wedding day so why let her rain on your parade? It isn't fair and I feel like she should stay out of it and if she doesn't attend then that will be her loss at the end of the day.
Don't let her ruin it for you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 September 2017):
 I am afraid the only thing you can do is to have your boyfriend explain his mother once again that even if you called off the wedding in Fiji and had it locally, STILL it would definitely be a small, intimate wedding ; -no extended family-, and most of all it would still be a civil ceremony, no church. At this point- since it can't ever be the wedding of HER dreams, might as well relax and enjoy the ( paid for ) trip to such an exotic location ! . At least, that's what a sensible person would think..
Some times, parently, particularly MILs :), refuse to be sensible- but that's on them. Their choice, which you do not have to adjust to. You should NOT, in fact.
Not only because this is your wedding, not hers, and you have any right to see it celebrated in the way YOU prefer. But also because I can't think of anything more cynical and disrespectful ( to serious, sincere believers ) of a "mock" church ceremony to marry two atheists or agnostics. You do not play around with the sacred- even if, particularly if ! , it's not sacred to you. It would be like celebrating a fake Mass just to have a laugh with your friends !
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A
female
reader, holeymoley  +, writes (28 September 2017):
 Oh boy. Truly I think your soon to be MIL is being selfish and unreasonable. Stick to your plans, they sound wonderful and intimately right on track for what, IMHO, a wedding is-sharing it with those who are important, not every Tom Dick and Harry just because. Life is about choices and she is making the wrong one, not you or your fiancee. Personally I wouldn't engage too much further in trying to appease her demands. It's black and white COME OR DONT
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 September 2017):
 Sweetheart, you and your fiance sound like wonderful people but we can't always have everything we want. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made because . . . well, just because.
Your fiance's mother is being totally unreasonable. This is YOUR (i.e. yours and your fiance's) day, YOUR choices, YOUR decisions. It is not HER wedding.
You have planned your wedding so that it is meaningful TO YOU. (It sounds wonderful, by the way! I wish I was on the guest list!) Your future MIL's wishes are not your only priority here, much as I can understand why you want to keep her happy. Would she compromise? What about going ahead with your wedding as you have planned and then, at a later date, having a church blessing and a gathering of all the family members she would like to have at her son's wedding? Is that do-able? Would YOU be happy doing that? Even if, perhaps, 12 months down the line so that it can be budgeted for?
I think you and your fiance need to sit this lady down (you need to present a united front so that she does not accuse you of "poisoning his mind" or any other such rubbish) and tell her, gently but firmly that, while you both hope she will come to your wedding, if she chooses to boycott it, then you will respect her decision and the day will be tinged with sadness due to her absence. Tell her you are having the wedding you both want, with the people you both want to be there (fantastic gesture, paying for everyone!) and you hope she will find it in her heart to attend as it will mean so much for you.
Can your fiance speak to his brothers on their own? If they are adults, hopefully they will choose to attend their brother's wedding, despite their mother's petulance.
Good luck and I hope everything works out. If MIL chooses not to come, remember that is HER choice. What is most important is that you and your fiance have a wonderful day with your nearest and dearest.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 September 2017):
 Stick to the plan YOU and your FINACEE made.
And then have a chat with your fiance, see if there is a way to do a family get-together AFTER the wedding in the UK for those who couldn't go. IF that is what you both want.
I think I would ask HIM to talk to her. It's his mother.
One thing I would point out is that if you two are not religious and do not WANT a religious wedding then it would be fake and dishonest to have a church wedding. Know what I mean?
This is HIS mom, he needs to deal with it AFTER you two have sat down and agreed to exactly how you want it. If she is still pissed... well... tough cookies.
I agree that if you two cave to her demands then this is JUST the beginning if her making choices you two don't agree with.
And... Have your Fiance talk to his brothers BEFORE he talks to him mom... lol It would be a shame if they miss your big day, but again it's their choice.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (28 September 2017):
 Listen to your boyfriend and get married in Fiji ... as you say, its YOUR day. Its not his mum's day, and while it would be great for her to be there, its her choice to ty and blackmail you into doing what she wants. It will be sad for your future brothers in law if she can talk them into not attending as well, but again their choice.
Give into the woman's unreasonable demands on this and you will be giving her licence to determine how you make important decisions going forward.
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