A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am in a complicated relationship with my girlfriend. We both have a distance between us which has affected our relationship . I found out a few weeks ago that she had been sleeping with her ex gf which made me very upset. She opplpgised to me and I forgave her but she has been hot and cold ever since. She sent me flowers the other day and now she is barely talking to me. She mentioned last night to me that she feels that she doesn’t realise how much I love her. I’ve poured out my heart to her many times but I don’t know how else to show it? What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (3 October 2017):
 Her irrational behavior and the fact she cheated shows she's not emotionally ready for a relationship and to truly love someone; when people blow hot and cold it's because they love to feel needed- when they get the stability and love, they get restless, and feel they need to distance themselves again- but oh wait, they realize they do want the attention after all.. and then when it's all comfy and happy again they get bored and need another ego boost..
-She's immature and emotionally unavailable- which is part of the reason she's not committing. Yes the cheating is a show of her selfishness and immaturity, but honestly even if she did sort herself out, she proved already that your relationship wasn't strong enough to make something give. Not a personal thing but somewhere you have to ask yourself if you were really a good match- people can be the prettiest, kindest cleverest people but for whatever reason there's a glitch the compatibility department- and in the end feelings aren't enough, you need compatibility to sustain long-term.
I think that her behavior, while an appalling way of going about it is a cowardly way of showing that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you/ or anyone else.
So no- I wouldn't revisit it. You're going to have to be strong and swallow your feelings, because you're not going to change her. If immaturity and cheating is the way she rolls- please- leave her to it, because like I said it's not a slight on you and you ARE better off without her.
You will find the right woman who will not use you as a rebound/ ego boost and will be ready to enter an adult relationship- on which front you're ahead of her.
You still have a lot of maturing to do though. As you get older you will learn more about yourself, grow more confident and be able to recognise a mile off when someone's showing you disrespect, and identify if something is NOT OK in your book. Then you will put your foot down and fight, or just have the strength to kick it out of of your life. You have that strength within you now- it's just not realised yet.
Be strong and evolve, because honestly she's not the one.
A
male
reader, Woodstock54  +, writes (3 October 2017):
Dump her, being young she hasn't learned appreciation and respect and you're only going to enable her to do what she wants if you stick with her.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 September 2017):
 How else you should show it? Really? Girl you need to get more confidence and tell her she is the one that should be showing it to you, she cheats on you and now she wants you to show her how much you love her. Am sorry but she sounds selfish and unreasonable. She should be making it up to you. Maybe this long distance relationship won't work out. It is hard to do LDR's.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (29 September 2017):
 I agree with the other aunts. She's the one not be trusted because she's the one that proved herself by cheating. She seems extremely insecure and immature to be honest.
When exes get involved it should tell you something; that they really have some unresolved issues to begin with. If things were really over between them then she wouldn't have gone running back. If she really had any consideration for you then she wouldn't have cheated in the first place.
In all honesty, I don't think that you owe her anything and it shows how manipulative she is by getting you to think that you aren't doing enough. She's pinning this on you and you can't even see it.
I think that you need to analyze your entire relationship right now and see what your options are.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 September 2017):
 OP, you don't need to prove your love, SHE does. She's the one who cheated.
I'm in a long distance relationship and it's turbulent. The only reason we haven't been able to close it after two years is because he's about to start his last year of university and it's too expensive for me to move there to be with him (he also doesn't want to stay there afterwards, anyway).
You're a bit young to close the distance, but you especially shouldn't close it with a cheater. Someone who cheats long distance is just as bad and untrustworthy as someone who does it in a local relationship.
OP, she is behaving weirdly because she's not interested enough in you. I'm sorry, but you can't trust her and I think you should end it before you get hurt more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2017): There is a very simple answer to your question.
By closing the distance and actually having a real relationship that fulfills those needs that people have.
By appealing to her five senses and being there in real-time; instead of conducting a relationship between devices and making a few obligatory-visits just to keep your foot in the door of her life.
If you can't provide what she needs, she's going to find it elsewhere. Shes a very young woman and she needs to have someone around, not a pen-pal.
People are not emotionally or physically designed to have relationships over distance. That's supposed to be a temporary-circumstance; which is to be changed in due-time.
Time and distance are burdens on relationships. Even when beyond your control; there comes a point when it becomes a strain.
Some people say they'll wait for you; but never intend to remain faithful. There is no logical explanation why they agree to stay committed in a LDR. Maybe they just like knowing someone cares so much they'll hang-on for them.
I'm not saying cheating is ever justified; only that it is what is likely to happen when people are deprived of what they truly need in a relationship. You get tired of waiting.
Cheaters are of poor or weak character. Greedy people who hold on to one person for what they can use them for; and finding somebody else to feed their lusts and boost their egos.
Cheaters have an over-sized sense of entitlement; thinking they have a right to have their cake and to eat it too. As soon as you discover cheating, you kick them to the curb. That's an element in their character that should be the deal-breaker. Every cheater has a feasible and compelling excuse for why they do it. It's still an excuse; because their conscience challenged their decision before they did it. If they have no conscience; then you had nothing to start with. It was an infatuation and they were using you.
Pouring out your heart to her didn't change anything. The deed is done, and you should be done with her.
Man-up and pull yourself together. If it was an ex, you don't have a chance. That's where her heart is. Your pleads and tears make little difference to anyone but you. She went for her ex because you were probably a rebound to start with.
Now prepare yourself to get-over her. You don't really have her close enough to make much difference anyway. She's just too young to be waiting. So are you!
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