A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my fiance for 2.5 years and we are legally getting married in 2 weeks. When filling out the paperwork i noticed she kept writing the wrong age. It was only a year difference but later that day she told me she us actually a year older than she tells everyone (33 vs 32). This goes back to her parents changing her birth certificate by a year when she started school as a kid (she was born and raised in a different country). The reason being for school purposes. She says she was going to tell me one day but never felt like it was a big deal because it's common in her home country and she had been doing it her whole life. I have been beat up over it, not because of the age but the lie. Now my mind is running wild and it's wearing me out emotionally. Before this we have had a perfect relationship and id trust her with anything. I've never had any suspicions or reason to think she's hiding things from me or up to something wrong. I can tell she feels bad and is sorry after she realized it hurt me.Basically my question is, Is this a legitimate concern or just a misunderstanding/ cultural difference? Everything before this her actions show she loves me and is in this for the right reasons. This is really our first hiccup in the relationship. The timing is terrible though which I think may be adding to my anxiety over this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2016): Thank you guys. I do think I over reacted over this. I appreciate the answers!
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (24 September 2016):
 If this is a common practice in her home country, it really sounds like more of a cultural difference than anything. If her parents changed her birth certificate to reflect the slightly younger age, then I assume she's gone her whole life telling everyone that she's 32. If the point was that she not start school too young - maybe she has a late birthday and would have been "behind" some of her peers in developmental milestones, and they wanted to make sure she wasn't singled out as a slow learner compared to kids significantly older than her but still in the same grade? - then I assume this little lie was distributed to everyone. Initially by her parents, before she even had any say in the matter. As a child and young adult she would have had the choice either to go along with it or to out her parents as liars, so she went along with it. I think most people would do the same.
(As an aside I have seen this happen with friends in the US - one of my best friends growing up had a birthday right before the grade cutoff for kids her age. Her parents chose not to enroll her in school till the next year. Those of us who were close enough friends to attend her birthday parties knew she was a year older than most of us but everyone else assumed her to be the "usual" year-younger age for every grade she was in.)
My guess would be that as an adult, enough people in your fiancée's life know her as the younger age that it has made more sense for her to keep presenting herself that way - except, of course, on legal documents, as you have seen.
If she was actually, say, 40 (or 26) and grossly over- or under-representing her age to deceive you into thinking she was someone she is not, my answer would be very different. But this seems like an innocent misunderstanding and I think you are best served to treat it as one.
Technically all of us are about nine months older than we claim anyway since age isn't measured till after we are born :)
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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A
male
reader, wherelifewouldtakeus  +, writes (24 September 2016):
 As someone that works in hospital dealing with people from all over the world I have seen it all. plenty of people from non western countries that were born in small villages haven't got the faintest idea what their birthday is.They do not place as much importance on birth dates as we do in the west, it is a cultural thing, see over here our age is a determinant for everything and birth dates are use as a form of identification so it is such an odd thing to find someone that does not know their birthday.However in other cultures it is completely irrelevant, I had people who had to guess their birthday by telling me about events that were happening in their country at that time. specially East African, Middle eastern and south asian countries, for most people born in those parts of the world in rural towns to this day they still do not use birth certificates to record a person's birth. mostly because there is such few people in their towns that having a birth certificate to identify that you were born in set location is NOT necessary, they grow up knowing everyone and everyone knows them.Do I think it is that big of a deal? no I think you are over reacting specially because she is 33 and she claims to be 32...!!! irrelevant is not like she is 46 pretending to be 32... is barely a year difference and her story checks out.Also it doesn't really seem like she is going out of her way to hide it from you when she lets you have access to those papers and has made no real effort to hide it.I understand it might seem strange and if I didn't have to dealt with people who do not know their birth date on the daily I would find it bizarre too. But I have come to understand the importance of birthdates is a very western thing.
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A
female
reader, againstmyself +, writes (24 September 2016):
While a lie is a legitimate cause for concern, I can see how the cultural aspect could make a big difference. You didn't say where your fiance is from, but I am currently living in a country where everyone says their age as 1-2 years different from their actual age because of a cultural custom and I can tell you it has caused a great deal of confusion on my part in the past, but now I've gotten used to it. I find myself accidentally telling my own age wrong because of it sometimes, too. It could be that she genuinely made a mistake when telling you and she was just so used to making that mistake that she didn't think to correct herself. If she has given you no other reason to mistrust her, I think you should forgive her this once as it likely was an innocent mistake.
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