A
female
age
41-50,
*upid lover
writes:Hi all,I am about to turn 35 in a couple of weeks and 2 weeks ago I had my first one night stand. Before this I had not had sex for 3.5 years- mainly as I was busy and really focused on work but also because I needed a break from men after a string of pathetic relationships that didn't work out.I hadn't had a break from work at all in 19 months so I decided to take a much needed month away to a tropical destination which is where the one night stand happened. Logically, I know that I shouldn't feel guilty about this. I am 100% single and haven't been in a relationship for 4 years so I haven't done anything wrong on top of this the sex was safe. I bought condoms before I left for the holiday because I thought it really was time that I had sex!! Lol. However, I didn't think that I actually would as I don't do one night stands but bought them just in case. When I met this person I didn't decide that I wanted to have sex with him. After a few drinks I changed my mind, though. I wouldn't have slept with him if I had met him in my real life at home. He was a decent and intelligent person but definitely a player.The four days that followed I felt no guilt at all until I left the holiday to return home and the guilt started to creep in. Why?Could it be that because I hadn't had sex in so long that having sex with someone who was a stranger so quickly was a shock to the system? Maybe one night stands are just not for me? Has anyone else felt this way? The sex was a bit rough which I don't like but I have experienced this in the past and it didn't make me feel like this.Am I being too hard on myself? How do I let it go?Any thoughts?
View related questions:
a break, condom, one night stand, player Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2016): "I wouldn't have slept with him if I had met him in my real life at home."
This is where the problem lies. You disobeyed your own rules and made yourself another notch on this guy's bedpost. A guy you don't respect.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (25 September 2016):
 I'd probably feel the same. I can't even get aroused if it's not my boyfriend - even when we make love, my body seems to just feel numb to anything that's not him. Toys and porn are useless to me. Maybe you're similar, in the sense that the more impersonal it is, the less enjoyment you get.
I'm sure you'd have had a ONS before, if it was something that appealed to you, but now you know :)
Accept that you've done it and don't fancy doing it again.
This is a mistake at worst, but it's more of a learning experience.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2016): HiI'm a bit like you. Never had a one night stand and when I went travelling alone, met a man I really liked. He was a tour guide on a boat and charismatic and fun. I engineered it so that we would meet after the boat trip and sure enough he asked me out. I went and had a good night. We arranged to meet the next night, but somehow he managed to convey to me, without actually saying it, that this was about sex this time. I decided that, as I had never had casual sex before (I was in my late thirties), and I was travelling and getting life experiences, that I would go for it. It was enjoyable and I never regretted it. He disappeared after that and I moved on to the next town anyway. Casual sex isn't for me, but I never felt guilty. I don't understand why you are, it's your body, your life, your choice. I hope the guilt goes because I see no reason for it. Maybe a parent once said something to you about casual sex, that you don't consciously remember, but it's there in your sub conscience. Anyway, all the best and I hope you can let it go :-)
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (24 September 2016):
 I think you are being way too hard on yourself. It's NOT your fault, either - generally speaking, women are conditioned that sex is this precious thing that somehow devalues us every time we have it unless we're married or at least in a long-term relationship, while for many men, sex with a bunch of different women is literally "scoring" and is even described as such. And that kind of social judgement is really hard to get past. Regardless of where one falls on the spectrum of morality it seems evident that the standards for men and women are not the same, though I think they are slowly changing as more people recognize how unequal they are. There are no male-specific equivalents for words like "whore," "ho(e)," "slut, "thot," or "easy," at least not that I'm aware of, and certainly they are not in common usage if they do exist. While there are many male-specific insults they do not, generally speaking, center on absence of sexual chastity. If anything, men are more likely to be insulted with words like "sissy," "f*g" or "p*ssy" for their unwillingness or lack of ability to go "score" (that word again) lots of women.Why does any of this matter? It sets men up to enjoy and feel positive about casual encounters while suggesting to women that they should feel used and somehow worth less for having dared to explore or enjoy their sexuality. And so we do. One night stands absolutely aren't everyone's (male OR female) cup of tea and they don't need to be, but I guarantee your male partner is not home right now feeling guilty for having enjoyed physical pleasure with someone he wouldn't happen to see again. You may not have physically enjoyed the one night stand as much as you thought you might, but you also shouldn't feel mentally *guilty* about it because guilt implies some sort of crime or wrongdoing and you did nothing wrong. One technique I would suggest for coping with the guilt is to sit back and ask yourself what harm an act of safe sex with a mutually single and consenting adult partner actually causes to anyone (hint: there shouldn't be much to think about).Treat this as a learning experience for yourself (you happen to prefer sex in the context of a committed relationship, which is completely fine) and proceed accordingly in future encounters, but please don't beat yourself up about it any further.I hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2016): I am not sure what you are feeling is guilt. You might be feeling a little used. Yes, you were prepared for the possibility. You even expected it. And welcomed it when it happened. But you know what they say? Careful what you wish for.It has been a while since you last had sex or were in a relationship. Clearly you are not a one night stand kind of a girl or you would have already had a few within the past 3 years you have been single.We are all human and we all have needs. And during a day spell, those needs creep up to centre stage in our thoughts. And despite it being a good idea or not, we fulfill them. We have an itch to scratch. So likely we are not going to be very choosy. The closest available, half decent body will do. Don't beat yourself up. He was there when you needed him. He helped you to get over your dry spell. He gave you something you were seeking and needed in the moment. Look at it as a fantasy being fulfilled. He was a stranger you met on vacation. There was a mutual attraction. You had sex. Done. He for sure has no regrets or guilt. You need to remember that. He has probably moved on. And so should you. So many people, men and women, have been in your shoes. Many can handle a night of lust and no strings. I could not personally. But I can certainly see why you did it. And I do not blame or judge you. I suggest you try to let it go. See it as another experience in your life. An adventure. Part of your holiday memories. You did nothing wrong. I suspect it was not what you thought it would be. I think it might have been pretty impersonal sex. Just straight sex. And we women like to feel connected during sex. Not like a human blow up doll. I think that could be part of it? It was rough and you can tell he used your body. And you likely think to yourself if it was not you, it would have been another woman. Falling to a player may also weigh on your mind. Even though you were safe, it's just the fact that you chose a man whom you think was not worthy of you and you allowed him to use you. So, maybe in some way you think he won. And you are a slut. Neither is the case. It was sex between consenting adults. We all have sexual experiences and people we have slept with we care to forget about. It's just another stepping stone on our journey to the right person for us and to better experiences. Not everyone is meant to handle no strings sex and then leave it behind. It affects some of us. We are not all the same. No right or wrong.I will share my experience. We all have them. I was in my early 20's and my GF "Irene" and I met up with two guys, "Matt" and "Scott" at Matt's place. I hooked up with Matt at a dating service. In those days, it was all done with paper. No internet like today. So, Irene and I headed over there one September night. Matt was a chef by day and owned his own restaurant in the city. He had prepared an incredible meal. We ate and got to know each other. It ended up that even though Matt was my date, my friend Irene hooked up with him. So they went upstairs to his bedroom and got lost for awhile. I was with Scott. And to be honest, I did not mind one bit. He was way cuter that Matt and I was more attracted to him. I will never forget his cologne. He smelled so good. That sure did help. Lol So Scott and I went downstairs to another bedroom. I was pretty inexperienced at the time and I was revved to get some experience under my belt with a guy. So, I was curious and ready to go. I was a virgin. I did not lose my virginity til I got married at 27 but a virgin nonetheless. He tried to finger me and obviously he found that out on his own. So the whole experience consisted of kissing and him placing my hand on his penis to give him a hand job and he got off. That was it. In some strange way, he was respectful of me. He did not push me. But we were in the same boat. I had no experience and was open and ready for the experience. You hadn't had sex in a few years and were ready and open for your experience. After it was done, I guess I felt I accomplished what I set out to do. But there was no grand passion or fireworks. I did not feel bad. I might have felt a little naughty for awhile but I got over it. I chalk it up to experience and just a memory in my life of a time and place when I was young. Over time you will see that the memory will start to fade. And I do not think I will bother you as much. You may even laugh at it and find it comical. Accept it was a choice you made and it was the right choice for you at the moment. Maybe at another time and in another place, it would not have been. So lighten up on yourself. It happened. It is over now.What you did is okay. Only you can choose to let it bring you down or define you. You have so much more going for you as a person and you have a full life. Just put it away in a box and move on. You are being too hard on yourself. Soon you will find a guy who is real boyfriend material and this will just be a little blip on your rear view. Secret? All us girls have these stories to tell. If we don't, we've been living on an island all alone or are training to become a nun!!All the best to you.:)
...............................
|
