A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, i have been with my girlfriend for 3 years and we got engaged last year. we had been very happy and everyone said we were good for each other. I am 33 and she is 23 but the age issue never even came into it, it really didnt, she was quite mature and i look and act more younger than i am. We have lived together from the start and never experienced any problems apart from the odd fight but we would always make up and go to bed happy and cuddle the night away. Our sex life was great obviously not as strong or regular as in the beginning of the relationship but still managed to be healthy about 4/5 times a week.Recently we both started having trust issues and demanding more time from each other and BOTH of us got the hump when the other person was doing something without the other which was only about once a month anyway, however what happened next was totally unexpected and out of the blue it has devastated my life. I really dont know what to do.She had gone out with some friends for the evening and came home at the time she expected which was fine. She left to go to her mums the next morning and left her phone here and her friends kept ringing it and when i went to reply to one of her texts saying to call her at her mums i noticed a text on there to another guy. I confronted her straight away and she claimed it was nothing, i didnt believe her. Anyway to cut a long story short the guy started texting her later that morning describing what had happened that previous night and it was nice to meet her. He said they never had sex but did everything else. I asked her and she broke down in tears and apologised saying it was a mistake she was drunk and doesnt know what she was thinking. It aspires that this guy is a model and my suspicions are that she was lustfully attracted to him nothing more and that it was a mistake. I broke the engagement off immediately and she has been begging for my forgiveness ever since. Now i really really love this girl and do believe that it was a one off. I had previously asked her before it had happened whether she was happy and committed to being with me in one of our silly arguments. I really want to forgive her and she has suggested councelling to get past this, which is quite mature of her and sincere. However i feel humiliated and hurt by her and i keep getting haunting images of them together, i really cant believe this has happened. She has thrown her phone away so she cant be contacted by him. I just dont get why she took his number if she says she felt guilty and would never have done anything again. I am hurting so much that she could do this to me and i have been trying to put myself in her position if a an unbelievably attractive woman offered me no strings sexual acts, could i refuse? the answer is yes cos i love her dearly and she is the most beautiful woman in the word to me.My parents say that as she is young it is a mistake and she does realise that and will never do it again.I really dont know what to do, since it has happened i have been so angry and upset and last week i was shouting at her and instantly was over come with passion and we had the most passionate sex. But straight away afterwards i could not get the vision of her wth someone else out of my head.I know this is long and may sound confusing. I want to be with her so much but dont know if i can ever get past this i would feel like such a mug for taking her back.Please can someone give me advice or has this happened to someone else and how did u get through it?
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cheated on me, drunk, engaged, sex life, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, weparley +, writes (9 December 2009):
Kick her to the curb, Keep in mind the only reason she came forward was because you went through her phone and saw Model boy texting her, Otherwise bro, I did think she was going to mention anything. kick this trash to the curb asap. Being drunk is a lame ass excuse for sex play. I'm surprised people still by that lame excuse.Why did you cheat?..." uuumm I was drunk?" It's a lame excuse to by.Drop her bro
A
female
reader, Lys  +, writes (9 December 2009):
Well the biggest question that you need to ask yourself is do you think she is capable of doing this to you again? You said you have both thought that the other one was cheating at times. These are red flags. is there something in her that is untrustworthy? It sounds like the answer is yes. I dont care how drunk someone is they know when they are being intimate with someone other that their loved one. i fully believe that something in her clicked and for that night she made a decision to risk all that she has with you knowing that she would have to pay a price but also knowing that being with him would be worth possibly losing you. She made her decision. Sounds like she knew you would punish her but she also knew you would forgive her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): hi all thank u so much for the responses, they are all very helpful and honestly have given me some home truths that i was expecting, i want to forgive her so much but i dont know if i can. if only i can get the disturbing images out of my head then i might be able to start moving on. she is adamant that it was a mistake and has asked if we could move away and start a family and put it all behind us, this, she regrets what she did so much. this is all so confusing to me, my world feels absolutely shattered
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): Why is it that when men cheat there is a lynch mob ready to meet them (mainly by women)? And when a woman cheats, everyone acts so understanding and compassionate. If I were you man, I'd kick this bitch to the curb permanently.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (9 December 2009):
Interestingly, your own parents have actually suggested that it was a one off, and that it won't happen again. And that's actually a good sign, because it means that even though she has hurt you, they still approve of her, so they must see something in her.
From her reaction to you finding out, I would say that it was a drunken mistake that will not be repeated. You were right to break the engagement immediately, because it's kicked her into gear. She has come to you to suggest counselling, she has thrown her phone away and she's begging for forgiveness. So on this occasion, I think you can afford to try and get through it. It won't be easy, but you both love each other and it would be a shame to end it just yet without seeing whether it can be fixed or not. So I would suggest going to the counsellor and getting all your feelings out and letting her talk as well. Clearly, don't be in a hurry to propose again, and if she ever cheats again, cut contact. But I don't think she will this time. I think you can afford to give her a second chance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): hey, sorry you are going through this pain and torment.
Firstly you will NEVER forgive her betrayal. Yes, you may love her and want to forget it even happened but ............NEVER IS A VERY LONG TIME. And yes you will always throw it in her face. Whether “drunk” or not, she wanted it and well, she took it. they may not have virginal penetration but to me sex includes, oral, anal (then the handjobs, what else is there???????) etc. Perhaps because she is young she decided to ‘sow her oats” as well. if she was so remorseful/ guilty then you would have noticed something wrong when she came back. The fact that she pretended and business as usual, meant that she definitely had every intention NOT to confess to the cheating. It means that she was going to lie and well you would have been none the wiser of her indiscretion. Look at the facts, she went out with her friends, had unbelieveable “sex/intimacy” , came home as per usual, nothing wrong, went out again to her mom’s. Is this the behaviour of someone feeling guilty for her hooking up with a total stranger? She took his number and he was texting her, it means that there was motive and opportunity for another round of pleasure. If she wanted nothing more to do with him, why the communication???? Seems like she enjoyed the interaction with him and wanted to see where it would lead to. Basically she wanted you the stable fiancé and the exciting model lover. The only thing is SHE WAS CAUGHT.
Your love for her is not the issue, it is the trust issues. Can you trust her? NO. Can you live with the knowledge that she cheated on you and lied by non disclosure. NO. You may love her immensely but this untrustworthiness will fester and if not contained it will destroy you. The decision is yours. Yes she is young (but in reality 23 is actually a mature age) but she needs to realise that actions have consequences. Her lusting after the model and getting it on with him means that she is not ready to settle down. She may love you in her own way but she still wants to party and have fun.
Maybe she needs to do some growing up, she needs to realise that her actions have had consequences and that she actually destroyed a very special relationship with you. Half your battle is lost since you cannot trust her. Men are visual creature and you are painfully imagining them at it. these images may never go away and will torment you.
Release her so that in the process you release yourself. It will be so hard, yes, the so called make up sex was great but when the sex is over the aftermath of her cheating still lingers in your mind. It doesn’t make you a bad guy for feeling this way. You are hurting and obviously you are devastated but you need to make a decision and stick with it. either accept her cheating or break it off totally.
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