A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Yesterday, my fiance called off our wedding.I never before believed the people who say 'It came totally out of the blue'. 'Surely', I used to think 'there must have been signs. Arguments, tensions, disagreements, pressure. Things that led up to that moment of decision'. Maybe I was blind to the signs, but honest to God, yesterday morning I thought I had a pretty perfect life. I was happy, contented, and looking forward to the future... and I thought my fiance felt the same. Now my life is a wasteland, and I have nothing to keep me going.We live together, and have been doing so for the last 3 years. My fiance says he loves me and wants to have a relationship. But he suffers from a real problem with anxiety, and this has led him to start doubting the relationship and his love for me. He says that I love him unconditionally, and that he can't reciprocate. He has asked me to wait, and has (of his own accord) made an appointment with a counsellor to try to get on top of his problems. He has asked me not to talk to friends or family until he starts with this process, so I have no shoulder to cry on. I know what you're thinking - 'it's all that pressure of the wedding! She made him go through some big ceremony, and he bottled it'. But it wasn't me who wanted a wedding. I said to my partner that I would be happier just getting married very quietly - that it was the marriage that mattered, not the wedding to me. That I didn't mind whether friends and family were there, whether it was small or large. That I wouldn't wear a white dress, but just pick something out of a shop to save money. He said that he wanted a small wedding, but with friends and family. He picked the venue and the type of event. I can't see how I could have done more to make him feel comfortable with the event.Words cannot express how devastated I feel. It's like my whole life, my whole happiness has been a lie. The bottom and the contents just fell out of my world, leaving me an empty shell filled with shock and despair. I can't even get out of bed this morning and I don't know how - or even if - I am going to make it to the end of the day. I'm terrified, confused, hurt, and I've never felt so lost. Please help me.
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (22 February 2012):
 I am going to give a little different perspective on things. I know this might hurt you OP, but it also might help you. I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling, but I think in the long run your fiance might have done you a tremendous favor. My fiance had something very similar happen to him in his first marriage. He wasn't really ready to get married, but his g/f of 3 years was really pushing things, she REALLY wanted to get married, and he thought it was time, so he went along with it.Everyone was pressuring him he said to get married even though he wasn't sure it was the right thing to do, he wasn't sure he loved her..ect... All the arrangements were made, families involved and even on the wedding day my fiance said he still felt uncomfortable and knew it wasn't right, but he went through with the wedding because of everything/everyone involved and he didn't want to cause trouble or embarrassment to anyone. 1.5 years later they were filing for divorce. He said he had never loved her the way he should, she picked up on it, and started having an affair....end to a sad story..
I'm not saying that you pressured him in ANY way, please understand. But please listen to what he's saying...if he's saying he's not ready..its better that he finds that out now and either resolves things and gets his head on straight, or else the two of you go your seperate ways so that you can find someone to truly love and want to be with you and not be afraid.
Btw...baloney on telling someone! You need to talk to someone who loves you and cares about you and can give a shoulder to cry on. He's done this not you, and you need support too. I wish you all the best sweetie..I hope it all works out the way you want it to. Keep in mind that if things don't work out, there's a reason why and something better is waiting for you. Hang in there! *HUGS*
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 February 2012):
 I think its a good thing he didn't go through with the wedding. If he needs to work on himself, that needs to get done and out of the way before the "I Do's"
However, I do think he is being very demanding of you. It's like this relationship revolves solely around him and you are just the cheer leader and "fluff".
I would NOT be hiding the fact that HE called of the wedding, I just couldn't marry a man who has no balls to admit that he called it off.
Tell you family, they have a right to know.
Set yourself a time line for how long you are willing to "wait" and support him while he tries to "fix" himself. I don't think anyone deserves to live with a maybe we will work out, maybe we won't...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): " I can't see how I could have done more to make him feel comfortable with the event."This statement is revealing. I have to wonder how much in the three years together you were negotiating getting married or how much convincing it took. Typically, the wedding is for the bride and the groom wants whatever is going to make her comfortable and happy.Were there deadlines or ultimatums issued by you? I would think back carefully to all the discussions about marriage and who initiated them. Sometimes the man will go along to keep the peace or just go along to not lose you but never really, deep in their heart, want to get married. Have most of the major decisions about your relationship been steered by you? Were you in the driver's seat and him just a passenger? This is important when reflecting back on your relationship.It's definitely not fair he backed out at the last minute. I'm not saying it is your fault at all and he definitely went along with things and could have voiced his concerns at any time. I think he feels horrible for not wanting this, for letting you down, but I also think the anxiety is just an excuse. Anxiety did not prevent him from every other relationship milestone you had together.I think he just doesn't want to get married. Maybe when the pressure is off and you've had time to grieve and reset your expectations, he will be more open with you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 February 2012):
 I was going to reply sooner but I was formulating my response to not sound harsh... Youwish was able to do it for me.
the part that irks me about his requests is that he does not want you to tell others so he doesn't look bad.
TOUGH TOENAILS!
you need support and love and understanding ... clearly he's being selfish... why if he knew he had issues was he not in counseling before hand?
what all of a sudden is so magic now that he finally sees the light... I think that he can and will use the counseling as a stalling tactic.
Tell him yeah you are willing to give him time but he has to move out and work on his issues himself and give him a time frame of how long you are willing to wait... and not too long...
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 February 2012):
 Boy, I read the original post and the answers, and I think I'm about to go against the grain here.
If this guy were my fiance, I were the age the OP is, and after 3 years, he called off the wedding due to anxiety, said he needed counseling, and then told me not to tell my friends and family, I'd dump him and move out.
Love shouldn't be so blind as to ignore or gloss through some serious issues of character. We are sympathetic to the word "anxiety" and our instinct is to love him through it, nurture, and all of that.
He has no problem hurting her, cutting off her family support, and wasting time. Counselling? BULLSHIT. He's had 3 years of the relationship and 20+ years inside his life to get counselling for anxiety. This is an excuse.
The biggest thing someone should do when choosing a potential partner is to look at their strengths and weaknesses for what they are. If this guy backs out of tough decisions, blames anxiety, then he's not the one. What about parenthood, the mother of tough decisions every day? What about financial hardship, job loss, home buying? Married life will produce 10 times the anxiety that a simple wedding could produce. My thought is this guy would crack if he's being honest about anxiety. If the OP stays with him, she will be going through this feeling of abandonment when things got tough over and over and over and over again, because no matter what, it would be about his struggle with anxiety instead of his being strong for her.
I'm telling you OP -- I think he's doing you a favor. Talk to your family without delay. Get that support for you. After 3 years, he didn't show anxiety when it was time to have sex with you. After 3 years, he didn't show anxiety when it was time to enjoy the domestic life while living with you. This is crap. You should leave him before you waste any more time. He can get his counselling, but he should do it on his own for his own reasons.
This would red flag me into calling it a deal breaker, no longer wasting time, and freeing myself. I'd consider taking him back if he straightened himself out, but it's not fair for him to put you through this and keep you in limbo for this, not to mention hurting you like this. TALK TO YOUR FAMILY. I'm so dead serious about this. And leave him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): He's doing alot of asking isn't he. I wonder how he would have reacted if the situation was reversed.
Ime not surprised your devastated, it's a pity you can't get away, even for a long weekend,away from the situation and him,get your head straight.Its a bit unfair asking you not to tell anyone but I can understand that in a way re family.There must be a friend you can confide in and trust though.
Lets hope once the shock has worn off you can get things into perspective, he hasn't ended it,he's still there. However he has doubts about your future at the moment.To you its a new situation, to him he's given it thought , planned how to tell you and arranged counselling.He's steps ahead of you and now you have to catch up.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): Hi, I am the original poster.
I'm not worried about the wedding not happening - I'm scared and confused about our future. I thought that we were both happy, and suddenly he says he doesn't love me in the same way as I love him and has doubts whether I'm the right person for him. That's what's devastating.
I've already told him I will support him 100% through the counselling process, and be right by his side. But right now, 12 hours after I first found out about his doubts, I am just too hurt and upset and in shock to be able to do much that is constructive. I have been reading up on anxiety and techniques to deal with it, but that's the best I can do at this moment.
He hasn't left - he wants to see a counsellor and 'see how things go'. But living with that level of uncertainty about my whole future is something I find really, really difficult to deal with. We live in the same house, and I have nowhere to go (my family are hundreds of miles away, and I have a full-time job here). I honestly don't have a single friend I can trust not to spread this as gossip. It's not that I mind the wedding being called off, but I would hate for friends or family to hear the news from anyone but us - parents, in particular, might be quite upset and I want to deal with that as sensitively as possible.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 February 2012):
 I am very sorry that you are going through this , it must feel like a nightmare.
Unluckily, I think it's just like you say : the signs are always there , it's us who can't or won't pick them up. In a way, his anxiety problems were a sign in itself, an anxious person will constantly doubt himself and his own feelings and will always struggle with making firm decisions and taking firm committments, because the what ifs will become overwhelming and the fear of bad consequences is always haunting them. Some times these people dive head on into something that bothers them, - job interview, new date or...wedding, just to put a stop to their fears and anxieties, but then ,as in your case, they do not feel up to the challenge and they can't follow through.
To be totally honestly, though, I don't think it's only a problem of anxiety that makes him balk at the idea of tieing the knot, with all the responsibilities and the concept of " forever " that are so hard to deal with for an anxious type.
He also told you, nicely , a stark truth : he does not love you enough to marry you. He knows that he is not fully requiting the love you give him, - the emotional give and take is unbalanced- and if he gets married he gets stuck in this .
At least, that's the real problem in the eyes of an outside observer like me. But ultimately, it's up to you, you know him better,you have been with him since 3 years, so both your guts and reason should help you decide if the egg or the chicken came first. i.e., if it's his anxieties that are numbing him to his real emotions and feelings and blocking the flow of love, or , if he just does not feel enough for you and is using is anxiety problem as a smoke screen to sugarcoat the pill for you and not come out too much as the bad guy.
In the first case, the advice would be to be patient and support him through his healing process , hoping that counselling can help him clear his mind and overcome his blocks, - in the second,it would be in fact to do the opposite and start moving on. Keep in mind that,alas, often men ( well no, let's be generous :) PEOPLE in general ) are big cowards who do not have qualms in hurting someone, but are skittish about taking responsibiity for the hurt they cause , so they will hide behind anything, including... a doctor's certificate.
I know, and I regret , that my answer has to be so vague and ineffective , but unluckily not knowing you and the guy and your relationship in the last 3 years I can't offer you anything more specific, other than my encouragement to stay strong, healthy and positive regardless, and do not make any final decision before the first shock has passed.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 February 2012):
 Sorry, *hasn't dumped you
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): You are in shock because every thing you thought was solid and certain has been whipped away from you. If he still wants to be in a relationship with you, just hold on and take it steady. The pressure of the wedding has obviously been the trigger whether or not he wanted it or not. Maybe he wanted the public show of commitment but now has questioned whether he can make that promise. I would say to him 'forget the wedding' it's not the important thing at the moment. Support each other and just 'be together' for now. But if he wants to end the relationship, that is a whole different issue and you will have to grieve, accept, then move on.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 February 2012):
If you've known him for 3years and he's always been loving and kind, he wanted the wedding and assure you he loves you, then lets agree it's his anxiety that is doing this. He said he is off to a counsellor, well they will be able to help. He could also think about maybe some hypnotherapy to just get him through this one big day. You know the guy, you've known him for 3years, in that case you will know all about how the anxiety ruins many things in his life. From what you say you kind of knew this would all be too much for him, hence the very small wedding, getting him to choose things and asking him constantly if he's ok and if this is what he wants.
You can't break down now, the guy needs you. In this relationship it looks like you will have to be the strong one is several areas. Now stop all the crying and negative talk. The guy has dumped you and run away, he's just getting scared about the wedding. We can't have both of you having anxiety and panic attacks. Call your parents and tell them the situation. But do not cancel the wedding yet, unless it's getting close and you and him will lose money. We are going to trust that the counsellor can fix him in time, just well enough to get up the isle. But if not, well, cancel in good enough time so nothing is lost.
How about you and him forget about church and guest and the rest. Do a registry office thing, with just two witnesses. Then you is married with little or no stress. Then the proper wedding can be done later when he's had time to deal with it. The registry office could be like a dress rehearsal for the real thing. Or if he really can't do the proper wedding, it'll have to be scaled back to a small party at the house, or we'll keep scaling it back until we find something he feels comfortable. With anxiety, little steps to get to the goal is always best.
If he loves you and suffers from anxiety, right now he must be in a bad state and hating himself for causing you so much pain. We can't have him thinking negatively, that just makes the anxiety worse. So I'm afraid my dear woman, you just don't have the luxury to be upset and pain. Nope, you must normalise the situation. Pretend everything is ok. Give him a call to see how he is, when he mentions sorry or wedding pretend you haven't heard anything. "oh the wedding, don't worry, it can wait, I haven't sorted out anything yet, I was waiting until later to talk to you... now are you going to pick up a pizza and some wine, we could watch a nice video later.... blah, blah, blah"
Normalise, stop all panic, calm the situation down, until you can both talk calmly and see what he can cope with, and what you can both arrange together to work on later.
See, no problems, now dry them tears and go and play happy, calm and understanding wife to be. You are still a fiancée, the wedding date has just been moved that's all... oh yea, and congratulations to him and you for being in love and wanting to be together for life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): I have to suggest you take on board a lot of what k c100 wrote. I think I may have been in a similar situation as your fiance. IF it is similar, then I can tell you from my point of view. It is a feeling like an anxiety attack. It is possible your fiance may have symptoms of commitment phobia. It is a rather new word, but there is now a lot of information about it. It may help to read it and ask if your fiance can relate. He really will be going through a really difficult time right now, and probably not very capable of supporting you in your pain. I suggest you be as supportive as you can, and tell him the wedding can wait, and it can wait for as long as it takes. It is actually quite a scary feeling, and very confusing. I kept postponing my wedding, after some time I desired more than anything to get married. Unfortunately my fiance had given up on me and moved on. It really isn't anything about YOU. Counselling will most probably be needed. Keep loving your fiance, use this opportunity to show him your unconditional love.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (22 February 2012):
 HI
YOU WILL make it through the end of the day, talking like that wont get this resolved.....I can only imagine the hurt your going through right now, and I understand why you feel you cant speak to anyone( as his asked you not to ) BUT you need to choose your most closet of friends or family to confide in. How can he honestly expect to spring this on you and tell you not to speak to anyone, when he himself ( if he is ) going to do just that himself?? I think its more than cold feet here , something dont add up! do all the family and freinds have the invites? or has that not happened yet? if they do then they will all know pretty much soon anyway, if they dont and it was just being sorted between the both of you then something is not right here. Before you get yourself into more of a state than you already are, you need to get answers from him REAL SOLID answers as to what is going on. If he cant do this then you need to definately speak to someone close to help you through this. Men can be just a nervous about the big day just as much as women ,some actually worse, so it still could be he has cold feet, so this could be a reason why his asked you not to speak with anyone, because he could be trying to sort his head around these feelings, but will end up continuing as planned and marrying you. but unless you GET OUT OF BED and get to the bottom of this, your going to get yourself into a deep depression and will be no good to yourself or anyone, THAT is a road you dont want to go down, a failed relationship you can eventually move on from, but depression can last a lifetime, and I know you dont want that either. so get your thinking cap on, get up, get out, and get this sorted, only then will you know what the next step is. be strong YOU CAN do this ok!
Mandy xx
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 February 2012):
 I didn't think about that, I assumed he actually left you. But maybe he hasn't left you, just called off the wedding for now until he has his problems worked through? Please explain the situation.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (22 February 2012):
 Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you really need to get a grip! He hasnt left you - he has simply called off the wedding for now as he is going through some personal problems and wants to get them sorted before he commits to something as major as getting married.
You say the wedding doesnt matter to you, it is the marriage that is important - but all this shows that deep down you dont care about much else other than the wedding! Have you stopped to think that you are still in a relationship, he hasnt left - and he is actually going through some pretty tough times at the moment and he needs your support?
How about you stop with the 'woe is me' attitude, and maybe think about being supportive to your partner and helping him with his problems?
If he had broken up with you I would understand, but he has just been honest and said he is struggling with the relationship at the moment and he needs some time to sort himself out. Your life isnt over, you are not an empty shell - you are simply a woman who is being very self-centred and forgetting that the person you supposedly love is going through a very difficult time and has just been honest with you rather than hurting you later on down the line, when he stands you up at the alter, or divorcing you a year into your marriage because he has been hiding these problems.
Calm yourself down, this isnt the end just yet. Try and be supportive for him, give him the time he needs and try and keep yourself together. I know he has asked for you not to tell any friends or family, but if you have a friend or family member that you can trust 100% not to say anything then I think you should look to them for support, it is unfair of your partner to expect you to cope with this alone.
Calling off the wedding isnt the end of the world, at least you are still together and you just have to try and help him as much you can with whatever problems he is experiencing at the moment. The wedding shouldnt matter to you, it should be the relationship and at the moment he hasnt said that is over for good - so dont be so despondent, that is not going to help anyone.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (22 February 2012):
Talk to your friends and family and get yourself a shoulder to cry on. So what if he asked you not to, you are hurting, and he is to blame. Tell him that because of this you can't keep your promise about not talking to anyone else, he'll need to go through whatever process he is going through on his own. If he wants your help and support he needs to stick to you, not dump you and leave you to be all alone.
I don't think it was about the ceremony to him actually, maybe you don't see it the way I do, but most men aren't worried about a big ceremony. They are worried about the actual marriage! It's the women who care about the ceremony, and get cold feet because of the ceremony. Men just get cold feet because they don't feel ready for the actual marriage. Ceremony can be big or small, it doesn't matter.
Get a hold of some good and close friends now.
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