A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ive been married for 6 years with a 3 year old. I feel that Im not in love with my wife anymore, although she is a great mother and wife. Shes a stay at home mom. We just went in different directions. Life goals, humor, hobbies, etc. Im a workaholic which probably attributed.I fell in love with a former coworker. We have everything in common and we truly make eachother absolutely amazingly happy! She was single and also has a child the same age as my child. Shes remains neutral and hasnt pushed me either way beyond telling me that she wishes I was entirely hers. She nevers tries to persuade me to leave my wife, just encourages me to truly find what will make me happy.I told my wife i love her but am no longer in love with her. She was crushed. She wanted to go to counseling but a counselor will not make me fall back in love with her. She has made comments in the past week that she cant be with someone who is not in love with her, but then later states she wants me to want to try to save the marriage. Truly Im lost here. Im getting pressure from everyone to make things work, but truly in my heart I feel that I will lead a happier life in the longrun with the other woman. Im not trying to be insensitive, but isnt my happiness whats most important? I am concerned on how this will effect my child, but know I'll always be directly involved in their life.
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co-worker, crush, fell in love, move on Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): Interesting post, interesting reactions. To start with thought it could have been posted by my hubby! Only he is in his fifties. He loves me but fell out of love with me because I wasn't paying attention to him - I was too busy trying to save one of our kids' life (docs had no clue what was wrong), taking care of ALL at home plus 4 kids whilst he "workaholic-ed" away for 12 to 14 hours a day. Yep, high up in the corporate world, me in-doors, having given up my career for the family (we had the same values and dreams at the time). An excuse? No, a recipe for disaster.To cut the long story short, a much younger subordinate pushed him to make his choices in happiness, whilst understanding so much better then I did ( I never called him names, I stepped back and back because he was under so much pressure, I look great, I am fit ... - I was not in love with him, but I loved him whatever, as I believed that's what happens in love, it develops). She was a challenge, she was beautiful inside out, he was in love. The kids and I suffered for 2 years his indecision etc. Then I kicked him out. Guess what? He is on his own in a bachelor pad, she cannot have a relationship with him because of trust issues (!!!) and there are moments when he realizes that grass is not greener. Then he doesn't know again... And the reality keeps creeping in more and more.Well, good luck! I loved him unconditionally and I still do, I gave my all during the 20 years we were together. I used to think I did something wrong, I wasn't good enough. I thought it was a load of bull when he said 'it's not you, it's me'. He was right. We are selling our home, he is trying to "sell" to our kids that they do have a home, or rather 2 for the price of one. He is taking a day at a time, promising to look after our kids. I am looking for a job and looking to rebuild my life.I tried to save our marriage but I was the only one trying. He was in love and the OW was doing her best to make sure he was pulled in her direction. When I cut the game, she dropped him. Or did she? She was never with him, she just destroyed our marriage, family and affected our kids forever. Sooo, don't take your eye off the ball if you are married. Despite all, I think a marriage can work. It's far too late to offer advice to the "male", who posted the original thread and I wouldn't dare to advise those, who restarted the thread. I just posted my experience, perhaps people can learn from it. PSPrince Charles and Camilla? Don't thank anyone, get your facts straight first. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Or a convenient one, you pluck out what you need ?
A
female
reader, CanRelate  +, writes (9 July 2012):
The reason why I am still married is because my son 8 yrs old was devastated last time I tried.
My 2 points here are:
1. There are 2 kind of affairs: strictly sexual affairs and real love affairs. The debate is very different depending on the type of affair. In this case we have a real love affair. And it is ok to leave your spouse in such scenario.
2. Please stop seeing the other woman a "slut". In many cases SHE is the real soulmate. Good example: Prince Charles and Camilla, right? Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2012): CanRelate, since you restarted this thread: WHY are you still married to your husband since you are now sleeping with another married man? Oh and stop berating your married lovers wife. You have no clue what she goes through with her husband. Stop throwing stones!!!
You are right though- the OP should have left his wife for his lover. Let him take care of his lovers kid as well. As for his wife, she would have survived the trauma of the breakup of her marriage. How did his kid react when he saw his dad playing father to his lovers kid? Did his son Cope with the divorce?
Cheaters always get what's due to them. One way or another.
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female
reader, CanRelate +, writes (3 July 2012):
I used to be very judgmental of people writing this kind of posts until I experienced the hardest thing in my love life: being in true love with a married man, he loves me back, and we are much more compatible with each other than we are to our spouses. It does not even compare. So sometimes the debate is really not about with whom we have a happier sex life. And nope, a mistress is not systematically some sort of sex toy.In many cases, the true love is the one with the other woman. My point here is that it is perfectly acceptable for a person to leave for the other woman or the other man. In my case, my lover has a wife who is always on his case, treats him like a dog, calls him names all the time. I never called my husband names after now 16 years of marriage. My lover and I have everything in common. We speak the same language, we are really the Match Made in Heaven! So to go back to this thread, why should you stay with his wife and pretend to be devoted to her?? I hope you are divorced by now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2010): hmmmmmmmmm, would be very interesting to hear from the Original Poster:
- did you divorce your wife for your lover?
- how have your kids coped with the separation.
- are you happy with the other woman and her kid
to the last poster. good points. can be useful in other relationships.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2010): Look, going outside of the relationship is never the right answer. Always communicate with your spouse. On the other hand, you CANNOT control your feelings if you fall out of love. So many people think gettinghelp is the answer, but so many also forget that you cannot help someone if they doo not want the help. If you are unhappy then the logical answer is many cases is divorce. It happens frequently, and as long as you are a responsible parent everything will be okay.I am really tired of everyone thinking marriage is entrapment. NO ONE has to stay if they dont want to. Yes, vows are extremely important to a marriage, but some people are smitten at the time and do what they think is right. Not the right way, but let's face it, it happens. Sometimes things can be worked out, but sometimes they cannot. People are blind to the latter. I am all for marriage, seeing that i am married, and if we were having troubles we would get help, but if she didn't want the help and knew how she truly felt, then I would suck it up andlet her go. I would be devestated, but you cannot talk someone into staying and make them feel guilty for doing so. hence why you are asking here, because you are second guessing yourself because she adds guilt.Once again, going outside the marriage was a poor decision on your part, but sometimes we make mistakes because our hearts pull us in different direction. No one should JUDGE anyone for their actions. Yes we can be angry, but name-calling is just a waste of time. No on changes cause they were called a liar, or a prick, or a poo-poo head. We were brought here to be our OWN people and make our OWn decisions in life. Some people get hurt, but not everyone is meant for everyone.Good luck to you, sir. Despite everything else going on, take care of them kids. They did nothing wrong!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009): This happened to me. My husband met a woman at work, and had an affair and they began fantasizing about a perfect life together. He put 100% of his effort into her and I asked him what would have been the change in our marriage had he done that with me instead. I was devastated, asked for counselling which he refused, and couldn't see myself with a man who didn't love me (nor would I subject my kids to that - I didn't want them growing up with the idea that this was what marriage was all about; a marriage of convenience, while the man does what he likes). So far, just like your story, right? Here is what ended up happening for us - perhaps the rest of your story? I filed for divorce and my husband moved in with his mistress. He has limited visitation with the kids, who feel uncomfortable with the mistress because she is not their mom. They are devastated that their parents are not together. Their hurt is huge, and they have lost respect for their dad (you say you will always be involved in your child's life - the factor you neglect to consider is THEIR interest in YOU, and the choices they have as they grow up). The entire community knows what a dirtbag my husband is, both of their reputations are ruined (admittedly not a big step for the mistress). Her kids refuse to see her and that fantasy of the perfect life? Yeah, not happening. Marriage is hard work. That 'falling out of love' thing happens every couple of years in ANY relationship, so unless you feel like starting over every 6 years, give your head a shake, keep it in your pants, and figure out through counselling what is wrong with YOU because the common denominator in all relationships is you, and you are doomed to repeat this again unless you find out what your issues are. I feel sorry for your wife. She actually would be better off divorcing you, but she doesn't know it (yet). If she stays with you she is in for a life of pain - you are not a self-actualized, mature, self-understanding man and because you are shunning therapy, never will be. You will hurt her again and again and again, chasing after rainbows and fairy tales. Grow up and learn about yourself and find out why you are doing this. It is the best gift you could ever give yourself or anyone unlucky enough to be involved with you - and also your only hope to ensure you stay with ANYone for life, including your mistress.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): My husband left me because he fell in love with another woman who he sees a few days a month because she lives abroad......now she wants to move here with her child. I've gone beyond feeling sorry for myself, I'm angry that he will be living with her and her son who is the same age as our son, I'm anxious about the effect it will have on our son in the future. Your main priority is YOUR son and not hers, how will your son feel when he sees you at home with another little boy....jealous, inadequate!!!! If you don't want to be with your wife that's fine........but dont move in with this other woman and her child, sacrifice this realtionship with her for now.....get your own place and let your son get used to time with his dad!!!!!!!!!! you can find yourself another girlfriend in the future or maybe you'll find your girlfriend again.......BUT you MUST put your son first...!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): Do your wedding vows mean anything to you? Obviously you fell in love with your wife before. Perhaps you were too busy working that you have neglected your wife. Before you quit and give up you should at least give it a chance to see if you can rekindle those feelings. It is better to fight for your marriage then to be a quitter and then someday regret it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): "She wanted to go to counseling but a counselor will not make me fall back in love with her" very immature view on marriage counselling.
"I am concerned on how this will effect my child, but know I'll always be directly involved in their life." when you leave your wife you will only be INDIRECTLY involved with your wife and child. you will be more involved with your mistress and HER child that she got from another man. you will in fact be contributing to this other childs welfare as well. i am assuming you did your homework. your mistress must be so happy to have found a man like you who will be paying for her child. in fact she couldn't have found a betterfool. what is your mistress looking for - a married lover for her, as well as a providing "father" for her child? so many men are dooped into bringing up other peoples kids. they provide everything for these kids but one day the good provider gets kicked in the balls by the mistress. its called getting your just desserts.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): Justification....you married for better or worse. Stop screwing around and tell the other women that you are devoted to your wife. Marraige counseling doesn't just make the feelings come back. Your stupid if you think that. The counseling provides you with the tools needed to regain the passion. My wife just woke up one morning and said she didn't love me anymore. The day before we where an instensely in love couple. Could be just that your looking for those butter fly's and will one day, regret what you did to your wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): i posted this before and will do the same again
There's statistics that say that only 10% of spouses leaves for an affair partner and of that 10% only 3% of those are together 2 years later.
interesting thing stats: it's called reality.
you are having an affair with a a former colleague. and want to leave your wife for her. please note please who go on and on about being in love and loving, just don't get it. you people over rate the i love you but not in love with you concept. it is your way of pretending that your affair is not wrong. your mistress is good for you right now. soon she will be acting like a wife, what will happen this, you will run off with someone else whom you have fallen IN love with, just like how you have now done.
bottom line, you will leave your wife. damn she deserves better than you anyway. what hb's that f*ck around don't get YOUR WIVES ALSO LIKE TO f*ck. you men choose not to see it. you save it all for the mistress and do not give any to your wives. and then you blame your wives for not having a good sex life. anyway, i know i went off right now. this is life - your wife will move on with a decent faithful man and she will be happy. why? because that man will LOVE HER for herself, faults and all. you on the other hand, will be struck with your former mistress and will be looking for an escape route. and what will that be - what you are currenlty doing- f*cking around. yes, you are used to it and it doesn't stop once you marry your mistress.
in fact your mistress leaves a vacancy for another one. mistresses know this therefore they are reluctant to commit. they know the score and they are happy with it. just like your mistress. so understanding. i have never come across a mistress who doesn't want her married lover all to herself.
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A
female
reader, kittykhaos  +, writes (27 May 2009):
 As bad as you may feel about it you can not fall back in love with your wife because she wishes you too. If you love this other woman, then its unfair to yourself and your wife to even give it ago when your hearts not in it. As someone else stated as long as your are respectful, ie don't take your g/f round to help you pack your clothes and remember you have a child. Then the best thing to do is probably end it because, all you will do is spend your entire life regretting it. If you don't love your wife but you dont leave her for this woman, it will probably be another one years down the line. This is not going to be easy and it is going to hurt her but i would have more respect for a man who was honest than a man who lied to save face.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): Look deep within your heart...People change sometimes you can find your way back and sometimes you can't. Just don't make the decision because of someone else. If that someone else was not in the picture is there something anything to draw you to your wife? No maybe's because a maybe will have you in the same situation in time...How do you feel about thinking of her happy with someone else? If it hurts you still have a chance to work it out. If you can say you could be honestly happy for her then your decision is made and the emotinal connection with your wife is gone.
Divorce does not make you a bad person if you decide that just remember your child and make the relationship between you and your wife the best it can be for your child. There will be many times you will have to participate in things as a mom and dad for the kids wether you are apart or together you have to support your child first and formost do not put them in the middle.
All the best to you good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): It seems to me that you have already made up your mind that you are going to continue with your affair with this co-worker to the detriment of your wife and child.
You are a selfish Liar and a Cheater and to think that your wife would want to try and repair the marriage... shows that she is a better person than you.
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A
female
reader, Lilly Rose +, writes (27 May 2009):
 You need to go with your heart....as in a few years your just feel the same....and your end up resenting your wife for making you stay! You only have one life, so do what makes you happy, yes you have a child but how many people have split up parents, doesnt make you a bad dad, You have been honest to your wife, now unless you really want it to work out then i think you go with your heart and be with this other women, sometimes you fall out of love with people and thats it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): I dunno man, if I had a woman who was willing to stick with me even though I fell out of love, that would make me love her again. I guess this other woman allows you to see other options. Well I guess its up to you, like everyone is saying coz well it is.
In my own values in life I'd have to say the child is the most important here, not so much your happiness. A shame it had to come to this, if you felt this way about your wife before you met this other woman you should have worked it out or divorced your wife properly. In any case wiht the problems you have I don't know how changing wives will magically fix them. ^^
Make a choice and I hope it works out for you. Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): So you are having an affair and then blaming the problems within your marriage and your wife on you not loving her??? Get rid of the 3rd party and start working on your marriage or else divorce your wife... then after 3 or so years, you will be back here moaning that you have fallen in love with another co-worker and that your present wife is boring.......
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male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (27 May 2009):
No you aren't a workaholic...you are a selfish cheater.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GROW A PAIR AND BE HONEST AND JUST LEAVE!
why subject your poor wife or your innocent children to one more moment. Let them recover from this. When you "fell out of love" you did'nt just wake up one morning and decide to carry this out...
Did you ever think of respecting your wife and kids when you were having these thoughts initially to suggest counseling before this happened?
Are you gonna blame work for that too, being it was a co=worker?
You are just looking for justification for yourself. You should be ashamed of yourself.
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