A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So i've been seeing someone from work for the past few months now. We've both just came out of long term relationships so decided on a no strings attached/friends with benefits situation. The thing is I've totally fell for him! So when i last saw him on Thursday I told him that I thought it was best that we stopped and just went back to being colleagues/friends, i didnt tell him why but he agreed too it. He leaves work for a new job at the end of next week and I'm so upset at the thought of not seeing him everyday and really worried that because we've stopped the friends with benefit situation and he'll no longer be at work that we'll drift apart and i'll never see him anymore. To be honest the past few weeks when I've fell for him, he's seemed a little more distant hence why I just told him I wanted to end rather than tell him how I felt. We also had a jokey discussion about who chased who and he felt I did 60% of the chasing. (Which i disagree with) but still i didnt want to tell him how I really felt to be shot down, especially if he feels I chased him anyway. What should i do? Just let him leave my life and try and forget about him? Try to reconcile the friends with benefits situation or tell him how I really feel?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2013): I have been in this situation for a year. It went great for 3 months then he started me differently. Now he says there will never be anything between us except sex. It hurts. I hope you and your guy come to an acceptable arrangement. By this i mean accept it for what it is..or go find another guy.
I am struggling with this now.. my emotions and him being as i mentioned. I keep thinking he was hurt so badly by a cheating x GF and he has told me he cannot feel in his heart. I just have not gotten up the strength to move on but i am getting there. I hope by me writing this it will help you in some way.
A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (31 August 2013):
 Hmmm this is what I feel is the problem with these arrangements - that invariably one party ends up feeling more than the other though in this case you dont know that to be the case. The point is id say one party ends up developing feelings. In your case id just go for it, try and roll a hard 6 and tell him how you feel, what, after-all do you really have to lose? If you dont it will take you an awful long time to get over it, wondering what if, rather than at least knowing you gave it a shot. Go for it and good luck :)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 August 2013):
 Well, not to be negative, but it's quite possible that you will drift apart and/ or won't meet each other anymore. If the main , or whole point of meeting up was to have sex together, taking sex out of the picture would strongly reduce or even cancel the reason for meeting up.
Personally, I would try to chalk it up to experience and move on. The possibility of being shot down is relevant, since he thinks you are the one who chased after him, made clear from the start that he did not want a relationship, did not protest and in fact agreed promptly when you said it's better to go back to just colleagues , and he is moving to another location next week.
Chances are that he sees your story as a nice parenthesis, a cycle that's ending with the end of his job there . You developped feelings for him in the meantime, and you'd like if the same had happened for him, at the same time, specularly, but how probable is that ?
Then again, it is also true that nothing ventured nothing gained, and what have you got to loose anyway ? You tell him you that you've got feelings for him and would like to try something less casual , the worst it can happen is that he says " thanks but no thanks " and you are back to being ex lovers, same as you already are now, so it's not really worsening the situation. But, it all depends how you can handle rejection, if you would just dust yourself off and say " hey at least I have tried ", or if you would pull your hair and pine for your lost love and have the moving on process delayed by the pain of rejection, rather than accelerated.
You know yourself, you know your sensitivy level, your vulnerability. You know if your feelings need badly to be protected- and if they do, the first one who has to take care and protect them is yourself, so...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2013): When you make the deal with the devil to be friends with benefits, you had better be prepared to stick to the contract agreement.
You should have approached it the traditional way; if you wanted to add feelings. That wasn't part of the deal.
You said you were both coming out of relationships at the time that this began. Then what you feel may only be feelings on the rebound. That's the risk you take playing such irresponsible games with your emotions.
You may have needed more time for healing from the past.
Make sure you aren't developing an emotional dependency, and just projecting your emotions; because you're afraid to face the resurfacing pain of your past breakup.
You sought refuge in a make-believe relationship; as people often do.
That's why FWB relationships are formed. It's to escape the responsibility of a full-fledged relationship, or to avert the pain of a breakup.
Usually one of the two involved, is only pretending. They hide their true feelings and use sex for bait. It's easier to get a man's attention, and he'll stick around knowing he has very little emotional responsibility. That's why men quickly accept.
If you didn't give yourself a chance to really get over your breakup; once you realized he was leaving, you panicked. Fearing recurrence of your grief for loss of your old relationship. He's removing the band-aid, and exposing the old wound.
You can try telling him how you feel to give yourself closure. That is to determine if he's on the same page.
He more likely followed the "contract" to the letter. Most males do. It's usually women who violate the FWB agreement, and put feelings into the mix. It's playing with a loaded gun.
So prepare for the truth. He might agree to maintain the friendship for the benefits; but your feelings may not be a factor. So don't be a fool.
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