A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend broke up three months ago and right after this he moved away to another town where my "best" friend lives. He and I stayed in touch at first but were arguing a lot so have been in touch on and off for the past three months. We still love each other...Anyway so obviously he knows my best friend so I always wondered if they had run into each other, if she'd seen him around town. I talked to her several times and asked her if she had seen him to which she always responded, NO, and even seemed annoyed that I would ask. In the meantime, she started voicing her opinion about the matter (which she had never done before as she has always stayed out of my relationships/break ups), telling me to move on, to not talk to him, to meet other guys. While it is definitely good advice, I knew something was odd as this girl has never been so opinionated about a relationship of mine. So I found out recently that they have been hanging out this entire time, ever since he moved there, behind my back! My ex boyfriend ended up admitting to me that they have been hanging out and he felt bad that I was hurt but he didn't elaborate. He was just kind of quiet as he knows it is not cool. As for her, I confronted her and she called me crazy and told me to leave her alone. What's worse is that I texted her once to ask her about something and she didn't reply to me and went ahead and told him what I had said! I know this because I talked to him later that day and he knew about it. How else would he know? By the way she has a boyfriend. So it makes sense now that she was telling me to move on and meet other guys (which she has never said before) so that she could hang with him and get me completely out of the picture. But why? I just can't fathom any other reason to do this unless she liked him or something. And I figured they would run into each other at some point anyway. They even have a few mutual friends in common. What I don't understand is the secrecy. Especially on her part! I am so pissed! Not because they hung out, but because she lied to me and wouldn't tell me. And I don't think it is appropriate for them to be calling each other to hang, but if they ran into each other a few times, that's really no big deal. But it sounds like they were becoming friends. Obviously there is an unspoken code when it comes to that. And on top of it I was telling her stuff and she was going back to him telling him what I was saying when it should be the other way around! It's like she was switching her loyalty to him.I don't know what is going on. I would never do that to her. I am more pissed at her than I am at him for some reason. I mean they are both jerks but at least he told me. And with him, I feel like the only reason to hang with her is to stay close to me in some way. And because he practically has NO friends in this new town and she was someone familiar. But what reason does she have? And the way she went about it? Is there something I am missing?
View related questions:
best friend, broke up, has a boyfriend, move on, my ex, she has a boyfriend, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2013): Something similar happened to me several years ago. Like you, I was angry with my friend more than with the guy. Maybe because I had been in love with the guy, so we had a different kind of connection, and because I'd expected loyalty from my friend and she treated me like sh-t.
I "broke up" with her. I disconnected from her emotionally and stopped taking her calls or seeing her. It was months before we finally confronted each other.
In the end we moved on with our friendship, although the dynamics are slightly different. Sometimes it's difficult because even though I have forgiven her (as much as I can), she still beats herself up about it.
I don't know if your friend is remorseful or not. She sounds like a sneaky backstabber, but you never know what's going on below the surface. You need to project yourself. Therefore, cut contact with both of them. It could be temporary or it could be permanent but it doesn't matter. For now you just need to get out of this situation because it will eat you up from inside.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2013): I often warn people about discussing their domestic issues with "best" friends.
Particularly women; because you may be more likely to verbalize your emotions. Give too many intimate details about your partner, and expose too much sensitive information. TMI!!!
Through you, another woman learns all his quirks and faults. She is primed to take him; because she already knows what to expect. She knows both sides; and if she judges you harshly, she will pursue him. Duuuhhh!!!
Men are prone to hide our feelings; even though we feel exactly the same when distressed over our relationships. We act out; but not in the same ways. We don't want to tell our buddies; because they will attack when our backs are turned. They'll look for vulnerabilities where sex might be the reward. Fact is, we never trust our buddies where our sex partners are concerned. It's the "Guy Code." If you go after him/her after a breakup; you could get your ass kicked. That applies for both gay and straight men.
She was never really the friend you perceived her to be.
Otherwise; she would have been supportive, but remained neutral even after the breakup. She would have stayed clear of him, to allow you both time to work out unresolved emotions. Her deception about their hanging out, means she has always had a thing for him, and was just waiting out your detachment. She went for the kill as soon as he was available. There is nothing you can do about that.
Just as Honeypie says, you can't control other peoples actions. These are consenting adults. After you breakup,
what he does is really none of your business. What you do is none of his.
If you insist on maintaining contact with an ex, and you aren't fully recovered from the departure; expect the feelings you have right now. You shouldn't even be in touch anyway. You're still clinging, or you wouldn't be so emotionally involved.
Your so-called "best friend" is a bottom-dwelling skank.
She betrayed your trust, but she will face her own karma when it comes down to her own relationship. No betrayal goes unpunished. She will face her sins soon enough; but it isn't any of your business when or how that will happen.
You should be working on moving on with your life. You now have two people to get-over, and the sooner you start the faster you'll heal. Stop investigating, and mind your own business.
These are easy words to say, but reality tells you it isn't worth punishing yourself this way.
You first have to get past the feelings of betrayal. It is what it is. He is now your "ex-boyfriend." You are now a single woman. Free to do whomever and whatever she pleases.
Pulling out of this triangle will be your first step to recovery. Forgiving both of them will free you of the weight of all this around your neck.
Holding on will just allow this to fester and overtake your life. You've been through hell already. Now you're just beating yourself over the head, trying to make sense of nonsense. Trying to undo what is done.
Accept there is nothing you can or need to do about it; but take care of yourself.
Redirect all this attention to where it belongs. ON YOU!
It's hard enough just dealing with life day to day, once you breakup. All those damned rotten feelings. So healing is where you center all your energy and attention. You are so preoccupied with his personal life; you're overcome by neediness and neglecting yourself. You're draining yourself of healing energy by the hour.
Part of how you lost him. If you weren't needy, you would have cut off all contact; and concentrated on getting your life back.
Do you have a life? Or was he the center of your universe?
Don't feed the pain with anger, and chase after a man who is gone for a good reason. Now you've learned that you don't discuss the most intimate details of your relationship with any other woman; unless she is your mother, or your therapist. Either is there for your healing. They will see only to your survival.
Best friends are for support, you can tell them anything.
That doesn't mean you have to tell them everything. I guess you've learned your lesson well there, girlfriend.
...............................
A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (31 August 2013):
 I can relate to this, as something similar happened to me recently. A friend of mine suddenly became very close to a guy I recently 'broke up' with. The three of us were always friends, but just suddenly with my out of the picture, the two of them became so close. She also has a boyfriend and he knows that.
I try to think positively tho. Maybe when he was down, he needed someone to talk to... she was there for him, listened to him, gave him support and encouragement. Maybe she is doing this for both of you? Maybe that is why she appears more involved than before? Because this time, she is hearing both his side and your side. Maybe she didn't tell you because she was afraid you'd misunderstand it for something it isn't? Maybe they are really just REALLY GOOD FRIENDS?
These are two very dear people to you - your ex-boyfriend whom you love, and your best friend. I believe they feel the same about you too. Both of them love you and would never do something intentional to hurt you.. especially not immediately after he moved there. I hope you can have some faith in them and yourself.
I can't say they will NEVER fall for each other, but right now it's only been 3 months, I highly doubt it. Only time can tell.. but for now, stop tearing yourself apart with these thoughts. Enjoy your friendship!
Recently, that guy that I 'broke up' with has been having a lot of 'work' problems that he was basically battling alone. That girl was there for him, to give him support and encouragement... and I'm so thankful for that, because when he needed a friend the most, and I couldn't be there, some one was at least there. All I have is gratitude for her and everything she has done. If they do end up together in the future then I wish them all the best, because I know that she will treat him well... and just maybe one day, the three of us will continue to be good friends.
I wish you the best of luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 August 2013):
 You can't control other people's actions. But you can control who you want around you. Your friend is a sucky friend and sucky person, not so much for hanging out with your ex, but for lying about it and if it were me, I'd dump her in a heartbeat.
Why she wants to hang out with him? Who knows, I don't think it's the most important part of the picture. The important part is, you and your ex are done, over. So HE is free to see anyone, hang with anyone. Your friend should have NOT lied and asked how you felt about it, but my guess is... she has always had a crush on him or liked him? And now she sees her "chance" to really get to know him?
Either way. I'd cut contact with the both of them. All this dram is not helping you move on.
...............................
|
