A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It feels like no one is genuinely excited about my recent engagement.I've been dating a wonderful man for about 6 months and he recently proposed. We are in a long distance relationship, and there are a lot of challenges to us being together-the biggest being we both have kids. He is a good Father and sees his daughters all the time and gets along with his ex wife. My ex and I do NOT get along and he hardly sees his son, but there are multiple reasons that a court would likely not let me move to be with my fiance (even after the wedding) and of course, my fiance doesn't want to leave his kids behind-but he is saying he would be more willing in a couple years when they are old enough to process it better.Because of all of the challenges, I can understand my friends/family being concerned, but it is very depressing. My Mom won't even speak to me, and my Father told me to "come to my senses". They think I'm being stupid for staying in a long distance engagement for that long, and they know he doesn't make a lot of money.Even my best friend who I can usually count on to be optimistic and cheer me up has been a real debbie downer and my other best friend is even worse...all she keeps doing is harping on how "stupid" my engagement ring looks.I love this man, and I think I feel like he is worth the struggles if we are ultimately going to share our lives together-but the reality is heavy to bear and it's hard to be happy.What can I do to cope? I don't want to just break it off, but it's very depressing.
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best friend, ex-wife, fiance, his ex, long distance, money, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Marilissa75 +, writes (28 March 2014):
 Call off the engagement on the grounds that you cannot live together and let him know you feel it would be in your son's best interest to be in a more conventional household and since you can't move, you must regretfully call it off. See if he has any willingness to compromise for your sake. Is he a legal resident of your country? Was your ex abusive to you or your son? You have only known him for six months, so why is there a rush to marry? If he is serious, he will wait six years if that is what it takes. Please be careful. Something about this does not seem right. I know that is why you are asking...best of luck to you!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 March 2014):
 I understand that you can be disappointed to see more concern than cheer around you, and more skepticism than congratulations, but even if ultimately you are an adult , willing and able to do exactly what you choose just because it " feels " right regardless of all the challenges, I think it you should try and see things with their eyes ( your family 's and friends' ), from the outside in.
Objectively, what's the point of a long distance engagement without a set date and without even knowing WHEN exactly you'll be able to live together ? An official wedding is precisely that, the official announcement to your family , friends , community and society of " We are serious about building a new union and a new family and we are so serious ,that we are doing it in the strictest possible technical time from this engagement ". If you 'll be together " maybe " in 3 years - why not waiting 2 years or so to get officially engaged ? Otherwise, pardon me, but it looks like when I got engaged in 2nd grade and we promised each other that once we had been " grown ups " we were going to marry - we both meant it with all out heart at the time, and I remember that I was offended too because my mom did not take the announcement seriously enough.
I am not saying that it is not going to happen, or that you do not have right to feel what you feel in your heart and be optimistic and determined . But, if you want to be fair, and be able to not take their perplexities the wrong way, I think you need to see where they are coming from and realize that their lukewarm reaction is pretty normal and justified.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (26 March 2014):
 So even after you get married, you can't live together?
Perhaps that's why your family are worried?
People dont really get excited about second marriages, they are usually quiet affairs. I am sure your family will wish you and your new husband well but if you cannot even be together, of course everyones going to wonder if its a good idea.
There is only one thing to do. Find a solution, work it out, fix it, make it so...if you can't, then no real point complaining!!
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (25 March 2014):
 I'm sure you are finding it depressing and not what you want to hear but your parents and your best friend only want what's best for you and they feel concern.
I will be honest with you and give you my opinion.
I'm sure this man is as lovely as you say he is and I believe your feelings for each other are mutual however, there are so many obstacles in both your ways right now and you both have ex's and children to consider.
You and your fiancé have not lived together and will be unable to do so for quite some time.
You don't know that you are compatible on a day to day basis or that you will work as a "real" couple.
I'm not saying it won't/can't work, I'm saying that you two working as a couple is an unknown quantity yet, but despite this you both have consented to marry each other.
Marriage is a huge commitment, especially when young kids are involved. It takes time and patience for two families to come together as one.
You need actual time together as a couple to see how things work and then, when you're sure it's right for you both, you can introduce the children and they can start to build a relationship.
At the moment the whole fabric of your relationship is based on a dream, not a reality.
I can only assume that there has been some kind of trauma involved in your young son's life considering his father has little contact with him and a court would not allow you to move away with your son even if you were to remarry.
Given these circumstances I can totally appreciate your parents and friends reaction to you striking up a relationship with a man you've never met (or met infrequently) who is unknown to them or your child and you're expecting them to be thrilled that you're marrying him!
They're probably terrified for you and your son.
I'm not saying do not pursue this relationship, I'm saying, slow down, right down. Be realistic and think things through properly.
Enjoy your relationship and plan for a real future together, trying, where possible, to make time to see each other (as a couple), to cement the relationship.
Once he's met your family and friends (and you his) and they have accepted you both as a couple, then you can work towards living together.
This will be a long, slow process and give everyone time to see that you two are serious and that you're moving heaven and earth to make your dream a reality and putting the children's needs first.
I speak from experience, having met my husband when both our families were very young. Our parenting styles were very different and it took time and compromise for us to work as a step family.
We met on line too and had a LDR for 18 months before we were able to be together every day. In that time we met regularly and met each others families.
There was definite opposition from my family at the start but by the time we had been together a year, everyone was behind us and rooting for us.
It wasn't always easy but we have been together 12 years now and will soon celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary. Our children are growing up and are well adjusted and happy.
Listen to your families concerns, they love you, but if you know in your heart that this is real, you can't force them to agree with you and be happy for you but you can prove that you're right by behaving in a mature, sensible way and making it happen.
I hope this helps and wish you well AB x
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A
female
reader, Sensible Alice  +, writes (25 March 2014):
 First of all, congratulations! You're one of the lucky ones to have a second chance at love. I can see why your friends and family are concerned and you sound a little concerned too. You have a lot of obstacles to overcome - but doesn't every relationship? What you have to be careful of in this situation is that you don't plough ahead regardless of the difficulties in an effort to spite your friends and family, eg, to marry him just because they say it won't work. You and he will need to discuss the issues beforehand and see if this is workable. You both have children and their needs have to be taken into account. Perhaps you can try moving to his town for a few months, to see if you will like it and if your son is happy there. You might find that this man is not as ideal as you imagined or that you just can't be away from your family. There's no need to rush into marriage, smooth out the creases and then get married - even if it takes a year or more to do it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2014): Have you considered that they may be right?
I mean, 6 months of LDR, you still barely know each other enough to love each other - so getting engaged is very quick and they have good reasons to be worried.
How long have you spent together in person?
I also think you're rushing everything, especially considering you have young children and they come first (as I'm sure you know), but it can be easy to expect everything to be honky-dory when you feel in love and in the honeymoon stages.... It's too risky to move this fast when you're a parent.
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