A
female
age
36-40,
*ula
writes:I seem to have a problem with people who I do not consider friends, like colleagues and my private language teacher who insist on fishing for answers about my activites. I thinkk I understand the difference between small talk; the weather etc. However, I have a feeling because I come off as mysterious to them they are trying to broach topics like my plans for next year, will I stay at the company and really private matters like my Easter/Summer holidays. My idea is, if I want to share something I'd say it without hesitation, but I am not the kind of person who boasts about having went to the fanciest restaurant in town or bought the latest luxury item, given that I wear designer clothes and drive an expensive car, but I never never brag or mention these things, what can I do if I was born like that. Trouble is how do I deal with their constant fishing for questions, rambling , beating about the bush when I care more about other stuff like philosophy, music, the latest book?! I seriously don't avoid them, but I just don't seem to have anything in common with them and just because I wear nice things doesn't mean I want to spend exchanging pleasantries about what I did and who I dined with. Am I weird? How do I go on being sociable without giving away too much about my PRIVATE life for people who are not my friends or on a need to know basis!? ---My private teacher asks my very personal questions to keep the conversation going, it's a language lesson and so she "thinks" that she's entitled to ask me any question so as to keep the conversation going. The other day, I had my passport on my and the only reason she knew was because I had to pay her, she saw it in my wallet, she asked to see it. I told her sorry, then she said: Oh maybe because your photo is ugly! I flashed it infront of her eyes to verify! she's super curious about my origins too. I was born and bred in one place but both my parents are Irish. She asks me that just because I was born in a particular place doesn't mean I am its citizen. She is trying to tell me how to define myself. I know I look and can sound Irish, but I don't know much about my roots as I do about where I was born, studied and live now. I think she's rather rude, and don't know what to do. I told her, I may seem like I have an ID crisis and just because I was born in a stable it doesn't make me a horse. Then again, the pure breed no longer exists and we are all citizens of the world. I hate to go over petty questions like this but it's not the first time. She's giving me the impression that she is not only racist but also doesn't take a hint. I HATE to be the subject of discussion where we could be reading an article and discussing it rather than discussing me. What shall I do? Any tips welcome , thank you :)[Mod note: two questions combined as they both relate to privacy and conversation.] Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tula +, writes (26 March 2014):
Tula is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can't thank you enough Female Reader. You too exude wisdom and class X3
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014): When you don't want to answer a question, smile and say something I'd rather not get into it, thanks. And change the subject to something completely different. Or if people probe, 'for personal reasons' should suffice. If you say assertively but with a smile, people will respect your boundaries without feeling pushed away.As for your language teacher, most people relax and speak most confidently when they talk about themselves. So that is probably why she does that. Simply tell her you do not want to discuss the personal in your classes. You prefer to focus on the articles. That should do the trick.You come across as defensive; fighting off hoards of people who want to make your business their business. Unless you're royalty, you probably don't have any more attention than the average person. It's just that you are sensitive about the sort of attention you get; wealth and identity. Be comfortable with who you are and what you have. You do not have anything to hide nor do you owe anyone a detailed version of your identity. Share as much or as little as you want, but don't let people's curiosity get to you. It is mostly harmless conversation. Don't let it put you on edge. Learn to say politely say no. Learn to be happy with your decisions not to share.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tula +, writes (26 March 2014):
Tula is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your beautifully versed reply and time WiseOwlE, and need I add you exude wisdom!
I always always take the time to say hello and the greet the person by his/her name. I love talking about the weather, and put the kettle on and offer a biscuit if someone happens to be around, but the thing is some workmates have been asking rather personal questions, and I felt it was prying on my being; something I wouldn't like to share at work nor think is professional. Thanks again 3
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014): People are naturally curious. If you are a young and attractive mysterious woman; men vie for your attention, and seek some sign of life. If for nothing more than a friendly greeting. It becomes a challenge to see who can get you to chill first. They are simply trying to get to know you, and be friendly. Careful not to appear encased in a shell. It comes off anti-social, or slightly jaded.
Reading your post is like you're describing me. I totally get you. I don't care for small-talk. I either have something to say, or I don't. I'm used to the finer things and never saw reason for bragging or drawing attention to the fact. There is one gift in my personality that sometimes becomes a burden.
People who hardly know me, give me the dirtiest details of their personal-lives. I decided to use this confidence bestowed upon me in a positive way. I help people, and try to understand their feelings. I also let them vent and offer an empathetic ear. I offer advice only if asked.
People of higher-management have revealed very personal family matters to me. I never feel compelled to do that in exchange. It's over-sharing, but I'm really used to it. It helps me here. Try to be more open-minded, and reserve any harsh judgement. They don't want to be friends; just get along. Not feel iced-out by an ice-queen.
I am opinionated, and can be quite direct. That's why small-talk doesn't work for me. If the conversation is going nowhere, I'll take flight; and spare you the trouble.
I don't discuss my private-life at work. Not because I have anything to hide. I just prefer things kept professional.
I don't date people at work. I always attend work-related functions and events. I might bring a guest of either gender; only if I feel like it. Not to force anyone to be comfortable with; or to accept my sexual-orientation. I'm gay, but it isn't a topic of discussion. Nor anything I feel sensitive about. I see no reason to be questioned personally by people I don't consider friends or family.
I do know how to politely and tactfully dodge undesirable questions. It shouldn't sting, unless they are getting rudely personal. With the intent to put me on the spot.
There is a fine-line between being private, and just being snobbish. I don't ever wish to project that sort of attitude toward my colleagues. I am approachable and want people be at ease around me. I want to exude class, not flash. There are those who do showoff. To each his own.
Bear in mind, your colleagues are your character-references and offer professional-recommendations, or vouch for your
good-standing among your peers. You don't want to seem too stagnant, or standoffish. Maintain some reasonable amount of charm and grace.
Don't get me wrong, I hate when people pry, or try to manipulate details indirectly. As if I'm not aware. I quickly change topics to something more relevant.
I do all this, and still maintain my mystique. My co-workers have described me as an enigma; because I'm single, yet I stay so active in family-oriented activities at work. I never miss a company picnic, or the trip to the harvest fair.
Co-workers should have some idea of what you are about, and the things you like. That way they can gauge whether or not to extend invitations; or not discuss things that may offend you. They're feeling you out, as it were.
They may be easing the tension you bring into the room. You're not the center of attention; but you can change climate in the room. There are people who carry a dark-cloud above them. People get fidgety around them.
Don't be too quick to jump to negative-conclusions about small-talk. It has a purpose. It is an ice-breaker, and men do it as a courtesy when there is only one female in the group. They are extending welcome into the fold, lowering stress-levels, and welcoming you the opportunity to interject. Should you care to join in, or if you have an opinion. Don't be touchy, there is a thing called charm and grace.
If you have interests outside the small-talk, then take control of the conversation. People can't read your thoughts, and mostly want to like you.
...............................
|
