A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all thanks for taken a moment to read this. I just need some help with a situation I have found myself in.I have a boyfriend we have been together 3 years, we are okay together sometimes. I feel somewhat unloved and not cared for as I should be. I red that when women think about someone else is because they aren't getting what they need out of a relationship? Is that true ? Well recently I have found myself liking someone else and we talk now and then and he seems to like the things I like. When I messege him though he doesn't instantly messege back so I am a bit doubtful of his feelings of me but I think I want to tell him but I'm scared of causing a problem. Hes single and I could be too. I want to feel loved and cherished. Should I tell him ? Tyvm
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2021): Having been in a relationship with a serial cheater and controlling personality, I know how it feels to unexpectedly discover this deepest of betrayals. It isn't a legitimate excuse to claim one feels underappreciated and pursue a clandestine fling. That mindset is a genuine display of someone seeking 3rd party approval and encouragement to move forward in pursuit of another man, who quite frankly hasn't indicated similar thoughts as indicated by the lack of replies to messages.
The shortest path to clarity here is to question yourself as if the shoe was on the other foot. Would you be thrilled upon learning the 3 years you invested in this relationship meant so little to your partner that he had a second relationship going at the same time? Are you fine with being exposed to potential STDs? Is it an issue for you to learn you're merely second fiddle and a sure thing for someone whose true affections lay elsewhere? It's a simple thing to handle this properly. Make a decision, free yourself if you really want to play the field. He will heal with time. But don't treat a 3 year commitment as if it has been all your work; that mindset you're exposing here is one of unabashed selfishness and a lack of empathy for your partner who may be utterly crushed and temporarily destroyed by your lack of respect and commitment.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2021): My dear, what you're doing is contemplating cheating on your boyfriend. Rather than telling another guy how you feel, you should tell your boyfriend. You shouldn't pursue another romance; or look for someone to "supplement" the relationship you already have. That is cheating. If I were you, I'd discontinue all contact with the other guy.
All relationships reach a plateau. They may become dull, boring, and predictable. We become familiar, and content. The "new-relationship" novelty wears-off! You'll get used to each-other.
You're in the "make-it or break-it" stage. Between 3-5 years. If it hasn't changed, or moved to the next level; you might get restless. You can't foresee any future with this person; or you may have outgrown the old relationship. Maybe he has outgrown you; but just can't let-go.
All relationships need tweaking, readjusting, and open-communication. You have to tell your partner what your needs are; and what you feel you're missing. You also have to find-out what he needs from you. If he doesn't seem to care, or if he has lost that loving-feeling altogether; it's time to rid yourself of a relationship that has gone stale and has run its course. Then you have to take a time-out to get the old relationship out of your system. You don't just drop someone, jump on a vine; and swing to the next one, like Tarzan and Jane. (If you don't know who they are, Google it!)
People try to go find a new relationship before they end the last one; thinking they can skip the drama and bypass the emotional-withdrawal from disconnection. What happens is, there may still be some residual-attachment; which will surface right smack-dab in the middle of starting that new romance. Your old-boyfriend will be calling and texting; trying to figure-out what went wrong, and you'll start having second-thoughts and regret. Then starts the drama of a love-triangle. You're thinking of your ex; while you're with another dude. You'll hate to see him suffering, if you really do have deep feelings for him. The new-guy isn't up for this mess!
The other guy in the story will have a little trepidation about dating a lady who just dumped her boyfriend. He'll have to put-up with all the drama and tit-for-tat that will happen between you and your ex. He'll also wonder if you're the cheating-type? Hence, he'll develop insecurity about your character, sense of loyalty, and trustworthiness. He won't be able to bond with you, fearing if he does; you'll still be thinking about your ex. He won't like being dumped; so you can move-on to the next guy, like you did your old boyfriend.
You have to have a down-time for healing and rebooting between relationships. You have to sort and realign your feelings. You have be totally over one guy, before you move on to the next one.
Ask yourself these questions. If you love your boyfriend, how could you cheat on him? Why would you look elsewhere before you make any effort to work on what you already have? What if your boyfriend started dating some other lady behind YOUR back, using the same excuse as you are?
You'll be playing both guys, using one to fulfill your fantasies; and you'll hang-on to the other, because you don't want him to go find somebody else. Not until you're sure the new one will work. The thought of him with some other woman won't be easy to visualize in your mind. You aren't really sure about the other guy you're flirting with; so you'll cheat, until you make up your mind between the two. That's how cheaters think. Cheaters also develop a numbness and insensitivity to hurting the one they're with; so their cheating seems justified. That's just rationalizing to avoid accepting the fact that seeing someone else, or just flirting with someone, when you're committed...is flat-out cheating!!!
Cheating because you feel neglected isn't a justification, it's an excuse.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (1 November 2021):
 Hi
Many people go through these stale stages in relationships. If you feel like your not getting out of the relationship what you deserve there’s two options. 1) talk to your partner, explaining how you feel, and also ask him how he feels too, and make sure you really listen to what he has to say. Or 2) end the relationship before you both get hurt. Cheating is NOT an option, it’s unfair and cruel and causes thousands of people each day to have trust issues. As you know trust is the main foundation of a loving relationship. This other guy must know your in a relationship already, and it’s good his not responding as quick as you’d like, because if he does I can only imagine it would be purely sexual. A man would not respect or trust you if you can easily cheat on your current partner to be with him. If your mind is not on your partner, then that’s the most important thing to sort out first before thinking of other men. Sorry to sound harsh , but I say it how I see it. No point sugar coating things it will get you nowhere.
Just talk with your partner, and if his not one for talking about these kinds of problems, then I would tell him things need to change from both of you, or end it now before it gets worse.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (1 November 2021):
 Cheating is NEVER OK. Don't try to justify it by oh-so-innocently asking whether it's true that women think of others when they are not getting "what they need out of a relationship". You've been with your boyfriend for 3 years. Either work on the relationship to fix it or end it if it does not fulfill you. Don't hedge your bets by seeing if this new guy is interested before you dump your boyfriend. That is not a classy way to act.
As for declaring to this new guy that you have "feelings" for him, well sure, tell him - if you want him to run a mile. How about taking it slowly? Ask him if he fancies going out for a drink some time, or a bite to eat. Then you can spend time with him and determine whether he is worthy of your feelings and whether he is interested in having a relationship with you. If you start a romance with him before ending your current relationship, he is unlikely to trust you - EVER. Bear that in mind and act in a civilised and dignified and KIND way.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 November 2021):
 I don't think you should talk to this new guy at all. He isn't a friend. And it's not OK for you to start a budding emotional affair behind your partner's back.
If your partner is NOT fulfilling your needs you need to COMMUNICATE that to your partner. And if he isn't able or willing to do that, maybe your partner is NOT the right guy for you.
It's a piss-poor excuse to pursue the new guy because you are not 100% happy with your current guy. I'm sure YOU wouldn't like it if your partner started to talk to other girls behind your back. It's just not OK.
If you think the new guy is more the guy for you, then END it with your current partner, TAKE some time being single FIRST, then see where life takes you. Don't jump from one man to the next. Men aren't vines in the Jungle and you are not Tarzan.
And consider how YOUR actions affect those around you before you do them.
It's OK to walk away from a relationship that is JUST not what you want anymore. If it isn't working then end it. Just remember the grass isn't always greener elsewhere, it's greener where you water it and take care of it. Relationships take work, effort, and investing emotionally. Or they stop working well.
If you had a flat tire on your car you wouldn't keep driving, right? You would stop and change the tire or fix the tire.
Also, the new guy might not be replying instantly because he is not wanting to mess up your relationship or, he is unsure he wants to get in deeper with someone who could potentially be a cheater.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (1 November 2021):
 I don't think that you should tell him anything at this moment in time. You are in a relationship that you have been in for 3 years so at the moment it is wrong that you are even texting someone else.
The right thing here would be to end things with your current boyfriend, then give it a couple of months to make sure you are completely over it, then persue things with this guy you are texting.
I get that you want to be cherished and loved, but he is not going to cherish and love you while your still in a relationship. Maybe this is why he holds back with his reply's.
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A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84 +, writes (1 November 2021):
End your current realtionship first. It is clear you are not getting what you need from the relationship.
Have you discussed your problems with your boyfriend at all? Does he know how you feel? Have you shard with him what you need from him? If not, I'd try that first.
When women feel neglected by their loved one, they tend to look for attention elsewhere. This only causes more problems that resolves.
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