A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupidI think my husband of 4 years is gaslighting me. Short back story, I came to this county to work, had two failed relations,get my husband thru work, dated for 2 years and married. At first everything was fine, then he started saying I am over reacting and I am being emotional, my family used to say that too. So I accepted when he said it too. Then he slowly started saying I don't want to talk now, whenever there is a conflict. He refused to discuss and sometimes won't talk to me for days, even though clearly the fault is on his side. I don't have family or friends here.Sometimes when I push him to do something which was imp, he stops talking and tells me that I am being pushy even if I give him reason why I had. He won't listen ever but always says I don't listen to him. I do listen Evey word he says and act accordingly. His feelings matter but mine do not, when I talk about how I feel , constant thing he says i do not want to talk now , leave me alone. I am feeling unhappy for along time,I feel alone. He won't let me talk about itLast night he decided to go for a party though we had plans to do something today, so I told him I need my car since I am going with the plan and not cancelling (his car has problems) and he can go to his party. He stopped talking, I keep thinking what did I do wrong. Until now I did not realize that he was angry that I said I wanted my car. Like an idiot to appese him I cancelled the plan and gave the car to him and he refused to take me to party saying he did not want to spend time with me now, because he is angry with me for asking him reason why he won't talk when he clearly want to be left alone So now I'm sitting at home with no car and husband doing God knows what in his friends partyI can't leave him yet because of visa issues. How do I survive this gaslighting ,Please help me, sorry about my lang, English of not my first language, pardon the mistakes Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2021): You annoy him and then you bend over backwards to do whatever he wants, no matter how stupid it is. Letting him have your car was a good example. You are scared to disappoint him, scared he will stop talking to you, scared he will be even worse, because he has trained you to feel that way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2021): I'll assume you and your husband are approaching, or are in, your 40's. By that age, we're pretty much set in our ways. Like Honeypie explained, marriage requires diplomacy, and a lot of compromise. You two have an issue not only with communication; but you seem to have entirely different personalities. I would also presume you have cultural differences that slightly conflict.
Sometimes people expect certain dispositions and behavior from other cultures based on stereotypes. You don't really know what someone is really like; until you've lived with them for a certain amount of time.
He may have certain presumptions about how you should behave as a woman; and if you don't fall into the patterns of behavior he expects you to, he probably feels you're trying to be difficult. When you try to protest or express your displeasure about something he has said or done, or how you feel; your trouble with English may make you unable to clearly convey your thoughts, or justify your actions, in a way he can understand you. He'd rather shut you down, than try to understand you. He's seems selfish.
If you're not the passive kind of woman he'd prefer you to be; maybe he has assumed a very domineering and condescending role in your marriage. He probably expected you'd be more demure and submissive. Since you're not, he has decided to force you to be. In essence, he's modifying your behavior to be more submissive or obedient. That I would say is gaslighting you. You're not feeling it! It's not your way to be the subservient or servile type of female; so he uses his masculinity and mild aggression to put you in your place. He seems resistant, evasive, and cancels you out; as if you're an annoying child. When you feel helpless, or at his mercy; you just give-up and give-in. Maybe the fact you do worry about your visa status makes him feel he has the upper-hand. That's a hard way to live.
I feel for you. I was once in a relationship very much like yours. Though there was a lot of love, our personalities were polar opposites. Yet our relationship lasted 28 years; but that is because of my ability to assert myself and clearly articulate my thoughts. It was a gay-relationship, male to male. You can't summon testosterone to even the playing field as I did. You do have power at your disposal, you just need to know how to access it.
Divorce isn't a feasible option at the moment. You might insist on getting some marriage-counseling; because he's the type to stifle you, use the silent treatment, or refuse to listen to you. You need a third-party to moderate and referee discussion between you two. If you can find a counselor who speaks your language, that would be best. It wouldn't give you any particular advantage; but someone could bridge the language barrier. Giving you an opportunity to speak your truth; and having a third-party as a neutral-moderator, to make sure he doesn't bully you, or try to shut you down.
You can do volunteer-work as a translator for charitable organizations that help immigrants and people from your native country transitioning into American communities. That way you get to speak your own language more often; and you'll meet new people who can also become friends. There are no restrictions on making friends with clients when you volunteer; unlike when you're a hired-employee on payroll. You can be as social and friendly as you wish. That's a great way to make friends, and help people.
I almost forgot the car issue. Honeypie was right on that count as well. He could have had a friend pick him up. If one car is out of service, he could use a Lyft or Uber. He could have his friend pick him up and drive him home. You can refuse to let him take your car, especially if it's going out to consume alcohol and party. Leaving you home, and refusing to include you...well, if you let him get away with that, it's no wonder he feels like king of the mountain.
If you can't go, your car can't go either! If he tries to take the car by force; inform him you will let the police know, if he operates your vehicle under the influence of alcohol or drugs. If he causes an accident, your car insurance could be cancelled; making it difficult and expensive to get it elsewhere.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 November 2021):
 Couldn't you have driven him to the party and then HE could have asked for a ride home?
You two seem to not communicate with each other very well, that is not gaslighting. However, he does like to use "silent treatment" (ignoring you or refusing to talk to you) when you don't comply with his wishes or bring up issues. THAT isn't going to work well. And you don't like to be ignored by him, so you do whatever to appease him - that isn't helpful either. Because HE will presume that he can just ignore you and get his way and you will resent him for how he treats you.
From what you write it seems there are several issues,
1. HE presumes that YOU will do as you are told, no questions but he doesn't have to do anything you ask for.
2. You presume that whatever/whenever YOU want to sort out issues or talk about things that he will want to listen and comply. He doesn't.
Is there a language barrier going on here? Are you and your husband different nationalities and thus not helping either?
3. I don't think either of you is good at compromising. And a marriage IS a series of compromises. It's a give and take. Right now your marriage is you giving and him taking. That will only cause resentment.
4. You need to work on finding some friends. Maybe find some ex-pats from your own country? Or through hobbies etc.?
I doubt your husband is willing but perhaps look into some couples counseling so you BOTH can learn how to communicate and compromise better?
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A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84  +, writes (1 November 2021):
It's clear that both of you are emotionally immature. You push him to do things he doesn't want to do (You admit that) he does it and it makes him unhappy. His response is to not talk to you and express how he feels which causes you anguish.
Both of you need to pull up your big girl / boy pants and have have a serious discussion about the problems in your marriage. This discussion should not be about who is right or wrong as this can cause resentment. It's about providing each other a safe environment to discuss your feelings and being honest without the risk of a backlash from the other person. Nothing can be gained from arguing and getting emotional.
You both need to express what each of you need to do to love each other better. Remember, a relationship isn't hard if two people are working on it. Two people can move a couch real easy. 1 person can't move it at all.
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