A
female
age
36-40,
*ronxCaliStc1022
writes:I'm 35, and have lived with my girlfriend for the past 7 years now. Moved from California to The Bronx, I'm originally from Huntington Park.I've changed names here for privacy reasons.But it's not me and my girlfriend's relationship which is the issue here, it's Dad's confession to me (via WhatsApp) on Wednesday that he cheated on mom that's the big thing.He admitted to me he'd been in a secret relationship with Becky (now 48) since July 1997, they'd met in March 1997 as friends, but started dating in May 1997, by July they'd become a couple, and on 25 July 1998 they'd celebrated their first anniversary by going to have a buffet and a meal (and Dad had lied to Mom about a business trip). But at the time, he was a freelancer and obviously, social media didn't exist, so it was probably easier to get away with it. I was only 12 back in July 1998. Nowadays wouldn't it be harder to get away with an affair due to people wanting to be Instagram official?I only know the dates because Dad had told me via WhatsApp and sent me a link to Google Docs to my email address with a timeline of the affair. WTF???Dad has said to me via WhatsApp "You can't tell Mom, it'll kill her, and besides, I love Becky more than Mom, I do love Mom, but with Becky, I guess, it's better. I also want you to meet Becky, she's a great gal, and a hoot to be with.", and then sent me some photos of her in a bikini with the WhatsApp.Becky's a 48-year-old redhead who looks younger than she is, some people claim she looks 10 years younger, so my dad says.Dad's 62, and Becky's now 48; at the time, if my math, is correct , he would have been 38 and Becky only 24, when I was only 11.I feel sick and upset, and angry. I really thought mom and dad had a good marriage.I decided to tell Mom (who's now 61) anyway on Friday (via a Skype call), and she was shocked, angry and upset, and said she had no idea, and that she needed a lot of time to process things. I love Mom, and wanted the best for her. I've seen posts on here claiming some women have a sixth sense but my Mom obviously didn't.Mom's a businesswoman who is freelance and has to travel for her job (it can't be done over Zoom) but the pandemic's stopped it for now.I've read enough claims on relationship websites about things such as "It's not a real relationship until you've lived with them and dealt with their dirty underwear, bills, finances, in-laws etc." and I'm guessing Dad probably has done that with Becky.Do you think that Dad and Becky have probably gone through that, despite him being married? I know when I was a kid, Dad had to travel anyway, until he got a new job in 2006, when he'd stopped being a freelancer and became office-bound for his job. Incidentally, that was when Mom had started out freelancing after being fed up of a 9-5 job.I'm worried about what family and friends will think when, not if, this gets revealed.FWIW, I've never met Becky, and Mom hasn't too.Is this unusual, given that the affair's gone on for 24 years now, and most affairs with married men don't go on for 24 years, next year it'll be their 25th year?Am I wrong to think this will destroy our family, and there's no good outcomes to this situation?I also told my sister Patricia, who's 32, and lives in Maine now, about this, and she's depressed and upset, said she's lost respect for Dad, asked me how could he do this. My other sister Sabrina, who's 29, lives across the pond in London and she's really upset about this, and wants to come back now to visit us.How can we as a family cope with this?In reality, what's going to be the worst things about Dad having had an affair for 24 years? Is it a really rare thing for affairs with married men to go on for 10+ years?I know only a bit about affairs in the broadest of broad strokes, and being a lesbian, an affair with a married man and the reality of it ain't something I would know about really because I've never been involved in one and wouldn't want to be.It sounds like I'm venting, but I've not known for long and need advice here.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2021): I really don't like the way that your dad tried to draw you into his deception and the fact that you told your mum the truth greatly empowers her.
She can get a divorce and a financial settlement and move on with her life.
It is sneaky and coercive of your dad to suggest it would kill your mum to know.
I feel that she is his back-up option who can mysteriously die and then your dad can get all the money for himself.
In a way he is trying to push her to suicide.
Of course he may not be that devious but he is devious enough to try to work his way around you all so that mum feels even worse knowing that you all sided against her.
Your mum is still young enough to take control of her life by
getting a divorce and moving on.
Being pulled along under endless deception is a blow that may be too big for her to survive especially with the knowledge that everyone already knew, so you did the correct thing.
It's time for you all to dump your cheating dad so that your mum retains some dignity and gives him a deep loss financially because she is entitled to a divorce settlement.
Just advise her that she should seek a divorce through a reputable solicitor.
Your mum still has plenty of opportunities left in her life. And she could do well without your dad's constant manipulation of the truth.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2021): I really don't like the way that your dad tried to draw you into his deception and the fact that you told your mum the truth greatly empowers her.
She can get a divorce and a financial settlement and move on with her life.
It is sneaky and coercive of your dad to suggest it would kill your mum to know.
I feel that she is his back-up option who can mysteriously die and then your dad can get all the money for himself.
In a way he is trying to push her to suicide.
Of course he may not be that devious but he is devious enough to try to work his way around you all so that mum feels even worse knowing that you all sided against her.
Your mum is still young enough to take control of her life by
getting a divorce and moving on.
Being pulled along under endless deception is a blow that may be too big for her to survive especially with the knowledge that everyone already knew, so you did the correct thing.
It's time for you all to dump your cheating dad so that your mum retains some dignity and gives him a deep loss financially because she is entitled to a divorce settlement.
Just advise her that she should seek a divorce through a reputable solicitor.
Your mum still has plenty of opportunities left in her life. And she could do well without your dad's constant manipulation of the truth.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2021): Think you were wrong to tell your mother. No matter how much you love her it now hurts her and what does it achieve? At her age and with so many years with your dad it is unlikely she will want to divorce, so it simply causes conflict and misery and problems. Your dad told you about this because he wanted to boast, the photo of the younger woman in a bikini is pathetic and in bad taste, he is desperately trying to feel younger but at everyone else's expense. There are lots of marriages that work, and there are lots of affairs that work long term but they won't be the ones who go on forums asking for advice or crying in their beer. The happy ones don't go there.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2021): First off, it does not seem to me that your being a lesbian would have had any impact on the choice your dad and Becky made.Society has its one-size-fits-all model for the institution of marriage. Reality works a tad differently.What I'd want to focus on is for your mum, your siblings and you to go as deep within yourselves as you can to be able on your own to see past the hurt, the confusion, and the way that nothing seems to make sense.So long as your mother is able to look into the mirror and tell herself: "I am shocked. I am confused. In all those years I have paid more than enough attention to this man, to our promise to each other. I saw none of this coming, but I have done everything I had committed myself to doing, and have remained true to who, and how, we were when we started." I'm sure she'll see the light, and the forest for the tree.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2021): So sorry you're so blind sided by all of this and who can blame you?
Well done for telling your Mum. Now your Dad has to account for himself.
The thing is I think affairs are incredibly common, especially amongst people who've been married a long time. My father had affairs and when my Mum find out it broke her heart. She mourned for three years and then rose above him. They stayed together, only because he didn't want her to leave and she had nowhere to go.
As their grown up children we never imagined that what went on in our parent's marriage had anything to do with us. We were just there for our Mum and tried to help her through it. I secretly disliked my father for it, but I disliked him anyway, but we didn't take sides.
Something to remember, when you are worrying about how your extended family will feel when they hear about this, is that there are quite possibly some of them who are doing/have done the same, so don't think this is all so shocking to them.
I think the worst thing is your father telling you and trying to get you to meet this woman, thereby making you party to something he imagines you would then keep from your mother. Maybe he thinks you're old enough for him to be able to share this with you, but that is incredibly selfish of him, to not think how that would affect your relationship with your Mum. He doesn't care about much other than himself really.
If I were you, I would think that this is not my marriage, not my problem to try to solve, but be there for my Mum. Let it unfold between your parents. You don't have to try to solve their problems for them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2021): I'm having flashes of Rihanna's song "We found love in a hopeless place".
In the view of society's one-size fits all model with acceptable decorum, your dad and Becky are in as hopeless a place as it gets. But when two people have found something worth hanging on to for 25 years, what do we choose to say?
They are so very hopeless, or.. they complement each other?
I'm also having flashes of past experiences that have taught me that when am I confused and hurting in a way that I cannot make sense of, then, maybe I should consider that *I* should force myself to think differently.
For example, as an alternate pov, if in a marriage, for the past 25 years the husband has been having an affair, and the wife did not notice anything... wouldn't one be inclined to ask... "How much 'attention' has she been paying to him? in what form? through what actions?"
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 November 2021):
 "I'm worried about what family and friends will think when, not if, this gets revealed."
That is totally out of your hands. YOU didn't cheat, your mom didn't cheat, this is 100% on your dad's head and conscience.
"Is it a really rare thing for affairs with married men to go on for 10+ years?"
I think it is. Most mistresses will not be "strung" along this long. Not many women are willing to be some side-dish for 20+ years.
I have heard of long-term affairs. My grandmother had one with a married man for 50 years (until he died) BUT his wife knew about it. And SHE had her own affairs too. And the wife refused a divorce. So yeah, it does happen.
Being a lesbian doesn't make a difference. Lesbians cheat too . BUT don't feel bad that you don't understand this. I think most RATIONAL people think this is just bizarre. It's not like your dad couldn't have divorced your mom and moved on with the mistress. This isn't the 1900's.
Your dad is selfish. No other way to say this. He wanted HIS family but also his mistress. He didn't want YOUR mom to move on and find happiness with someone else. Someone who would be faithful and respectful of the marriage. Selfish. Pure selfishness.
What can you do? Well, I think you did the right thing in telling your mom. She deserved to know. So SHE can decide if SHE wants to stay with him. Or take him for what she is owed and move on. No need to tell the rest of the family, THAT is up to your mom and dad.
I'm sorry that your mom is hurting.
As for you and your sisters, while I do not condone what your dad did and still does (it's despicable to BOTH women) he might have stayed with your mom to ensure you girls had both parents growing up. A stability that is priceless. He probably thought that by telling you now that you would forgive him and want to continue to have him in your life. Maybe the mistress finally gave him an ultimatum. Me or your wife.
Know this, your dad's affair does NOT REFLECT badly on you, your sisters, OR your mom.
Support your mom, listen to her. Find a good lawyer if she wants legal advice.
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A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84  +, writes (1 November 2021):
I'm so sorry that your horrible father would involve you in this sordid secret he has kept all these years. I myself know all too well how these things can go.
My older sister who is now 40 has been with a married man for 22 years. She has wasted her entire youth, looks and body on this man. She has also produced 2 children with him who they keep secret. She has become a nasty, vile and angry person to all of us because she now realises the choice she made has destroyed her life yet she still stays with him. Her children are now paying for that mistake. They are angry and violent kids.
You have to ask yourself. Why would Becky choose to be with your Dad, a married man who could not offer her a loyal, respectful and loving relationship for all these years? Why didn't your Dad just divorce your mum all those years ago and make a go of it with Becky, if she's as better as he claims she is? Your Dad has strung your family and Becky along for 24 years.
Don't be mad at Becky, she's the single one. Even though morally, she falls by the waist side. Your Dad is the bad guy here.
Your Dad's character is in shreds. You'll have to decide to either forgive him and try to salvage a relationship with him or disown him.
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