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female
age
26-29,
*omplicated. (:
writes:Hey I'm a 17 year old girl and I'm in a relationship with a 25 year old man who I am breaking up with on Saturday. I saw controlling signs before but now I've really seen them, I actually feel afraid of him. We have only been together for 3 months and had sex 1 month in because I thought it was the norm for an adult relationship which I now reaaaally regret as I've found out what he's like. I am breaking up with him in my own house with my dad downstairs so I'm in a safe place but I can't help but feel really ashamed of myself. Firstly, I am ashamed that I lost my virginity when I was 15 to a descent guy who I was in a relationship for a year and a half with. However, I wish I hadn't had sex with him at all because I wasn't fully happy with him and ended it, and now I'm ashamed that I am 17 and have had sex only after a month with a 25 year old control freak. I am 17 years old and have had sex with 2 people already, one under age, and one as quick as that with a man like that.I've never thought of myself as a tart. I would only consent to sex in an official relationship but I feel dirty and easy especially when I generally have very good morals and principles. In addition to that, I've been completely fooled into an abusive relationship. How can I mend this guilt?
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male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (8 February 2014):
 See Sweetie, how your case interested people ? From all over the world, Italy, USA, Norway, France and England !!! You are now a big star !And everybody wish you the best for you new start. Don't waste your time with dark thoughts. You just have to understand well when you have been weak, weakness that led you to make some mistakes... that you won't do again.And maybe in some weeks/months, you too will be as strong as you want to be, and with the will to join us here on Dear Cupid, to help people who need a friendly hand.
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female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (7 February 2014):
 I understand how you feel as far as being forced into controlling relationship it can be very hard to understand. Do not allow yourself to be afraid to move on it's people and relationships to where you won't be force to be in or be abusive. I would also to go talk to people about this maybe church and domestic violence hotline.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2014): The only thing I have to add to all this is that you should focus on yourself for a while once you've finished with this guy, OP.
Put the idea of relationships and men on hold for a while until you've come to terms with feeling this way about sex and relationships. Give yourself some time to form concrete principles of the way you want to date and what you want to happen in that way.
There's nothing wrong with anything you've done but you're obviously not at peace with your role in how things go yet, so you need to focus on you and discover who you are and what you want out of life before you add another person to the mix. Until you can face a relationship with confidence and be at peace with yourself then you're only going to set yourself up for more pain and heartache.
You haven't been fooled into an abusive relationship, if anything OP you've caught the guy early and dealt with it really quickly. You should be proud of that. Most women figure that stuff out until years into the relationship and most take years of abuse before they finally found the strength to leave. You've discovered what this guy is like early and are dealing with it intelligently and firmly, you should feel nothing but pride for how you're dealing with this.
As for guilt, maybe you should go seek the advice of your pastor or priest, or whatever person or belief that leads you think that sex is so dirty unless you're in love.
Stay away from guys for a while and just enjoy discovering who you are for a while.
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male
reader, Gauntlet +, writes (7 February 2014):
Dear, having sex is not a sin in itself. It's just that there are consequences to it (and it's even worse when you are young) not always I know, but way too often: jealousy, betrayal, amour-propre wounds, venereal diseases, unexpected pregnancy, regrets etc. That's too much a burden for immature people to deal with (and for a lot of mature people too) and that's why they used to call it "a sin", precisely to prevent as much people as possible to enter the world of sex when they are not ready to, a world as full of pleasures as it is full of traps, disappointments and dangers. Sin is in fact a synonym designed for simple minds, to "troublesome" and "hazard" but that's "all". No one's dead, so keep it cool.That said, you have made some mistakes, but you're sobering up now. It's all that counts. For sure once you will have cut your bound to your current "manfriend", you will have to behave yourself as to not doing the same mistakes again. Doing a mistake MAY happen, doing it again and again is what MUST NOT happen.Life is made of this too, mate: we all make mistake (even the ones who don't confess it, be sure of that) and we all have to go through shame at a moment or another of our life. The earlier, the better. And it's finally the best medicine to stick the lesson in our stubborn monkey brain.
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reader, Gauntlet +, writes (7 February 2014):
Dear, having sex is not a sin. It's just that there are consequences to it (and it's even worse when you are young) not always I know, but too often: jealousy, betrayal, amour-propre wounds, venereal diseases, unexpected pregnancy, regrets etc. That's too much a burden for immature people to deal with (and for a lot of mature people too) and that's why they used to call it "a sin", precisely to prevent as much people as possible to enter the world of sex when they are not ready to, a world as full of pleasures as it is full of traps, disappointments and dangers. Sin is in fact a synonym designed for simple minds, to "troublesome" and "hazard" but that's "all". No one's dead, so keep it cool.That said, you have made some mistakes, but you're sobering up now. It's all that counts. For sure once you will have cut your bound to your current "manfriend", you will have to behave yourself as to not doing the same mistakes again. Doing a mistake MAY happen, doing it again and again is what MUST NOT happen.Life is made of this too, mate: we all make mistake (even the ones who don't confess it, be sure of that) and we all have to go through shame at a moment or another of our life. The earlier, the better. And it's finally the best medicine to stick the lesson in our stubborn monkey brain.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2014): Sometimes when we're very young, the lack of experience allows us to take risks; or do things, because we really don't know any better. Even as we get older, and once we are more experienced. We turn around and do it again; sometimes even worse.
You are going to try things out of curiosity. You will experiment at your own risk. That's part of growing up.
Tarts don't have guilt about what they do. No, you were not easy. You felt you knew what you were doing at the time.
That's how a youthful mind thinks, when it lacks experience.
However; your parents did issue warnings to protect you, and taught you values. Now you know why.
The first thing you were going to do, was put whatever you were told not to do to the test. Out of rebellion. You thought their warnings are just to interrupt a girl having fun. You wouldn't feel regret, if you didn't have morals and principles.
At your age, we are all in a hurry to grow up; and experience a few things we only hear about, or read about.
Especially the things our parents dared us to do.
Our friends and peer groups tell us about things they've done that raises our curiosity; and we just want to try it and see first-hand what all the hoopla is all-about.
You are young and curious. Experimenting with life. Only you got a little bit ahead of your level of judgement, and psychological development.
Sex is a big responsibility. Getting ahead of your psychological development in that respect, can be pretty scary and confusing. It's highly risky. Mistakes often ends in regret. Your body grew ahead of your mind.
Your guilt and shame is coming from two places. The first place is from a lesson learned. The guilt and remorse that we feel when we were raised better by our parents. They gave you values that you put to the test, and learned the hard way that they were right.
The other place is "rebellious" remorse. That means you wanted to prove you are old enough to do something; only to find out you weren't.
Your mind is still in that place between being a child and a young adult. The young adult wants to prove she knows what she's doing, and doesn't want to be treated as a child. However; the child doesn't come out until a mistake is made that makes you feel you're not as smart as you thought you were. Thus the shame; because you feel flat on your bum.
You are sorry that you went too far for your age and experience. You are also very sorry that you didn't listen to the things you were taught.
That is the upside to this. You are growing up and realizing there are consequences; and you are sorry that you didn't listen to your better judgement. You were also wise enough to get yourself out of those predicaments before they ended in physical harm or pregnancy.
You got some bruises and some battle scars to serve as reminders. They will heal and fade away. Life has only just begun for you, my dear. You are smarter than you're giving yourself credit for.
You've learned your lesson. However; you are human and you will make more mistakes. This is part of how we learn life's lessons, so we learn how to survive.
You're done with all that. Now you can move on and move forward. You had a head-start on adulthood. Now you can say you have some experience, and you are all the more clever.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 February 2014):
 I think you can mend your guilt simply by dumping the controlling older guy as you have planned to do.
I mean, only 3 months- maybe you have been too quick in starting a sexual relationship with the wrong guy, but , you have also been very quick in realizing that you made a mistake, that the relationship was not making you happy, and that you needed to break up. It takes wisdom, humility and courage- you have no idea how many women, much older and more experienced than you, choose to stay in bad relationships... because they cannot stand admitting they made a mistake... because they are afraid of being alone, or to hurt the guy's feelings... because they convince themselves that THEY are in the wrong, and if the relationship does not work, it's because there's something wrong with them, not with the guy.... etc. etc. You made a mistake, and as soon you realized it, you are fixing that- that's pretty good. There's no shame in making mistakes, if you are willing to learn from them the things that will help you to make better choices in future.
2 sexual experiences at 17 do not make you a tart, they make you a young impulsive inexperienced girl who is not quite adept yet in exercising her power of choice. Now you have seen what does NOT work for you and you can use this knowledge as a tool to make better choices from now on.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 February 2014):
 If you think feeling SHAME is going to make things better, go for it. However, I highly doubt it will.
YOU ARE 17! Which means you will be have MANY years ahead of you to make more mistakes.. and trust me, you WILL make more. Instead of feeling guilt and shame, LOOK at you WALKING away from a guy you know isn't a good dude, and a relationship that isn't healthy. You can search on DC and see how many ADULT women don't know how to walk away from a controlling guy - so OBVIOUSLY you don't JUST make mistakes - you also make GOOD decisions.
And the shame.... What good will it do you?
In the future don't have sex til you FEEL you know and LOVE the other person and you BOTH want to have sex.
And now you have learned a few lessons in relationships. Remember those lessons and watch out for those "red flags".
Dump the loser, dump the guilt and shame.
Do better for YOU in the future and you will be OK.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 February 2014):
 It doesn't help that I tell you to not be guilty, so instead I will go with this: Be guilty! Or angry, or upset with yourself, or whatever you want. You regret what you did, you wish you hadn't. But, you know what? All women, and all men I suppose, go through what you are going through. The good thing about this is that you learned the lesson early on. Sure, so you've made two mad decisions. Will you make the same decisions again you think? Probably not. And that is how we learn. I'd much rather have you make these two mistakes now and never again, than not do them now only to do them later on. If you were 27 and in a relationship with a controlling man who you wanted to break up, it might be a lot more difficult since you wont have your dad downstairs as security.
I've done things I regret as well, such as my ex who also was a controlling douchebag who used me financially and set me back a couple of years financially. That sucked, and I was 25 at the time. So no, age alone does not always mean you make smart decisions. EXPERIENCE, in addition with growing older, makes you make wise decisions. So when you, at 20, meet a controlling idiot, I think you will handle him well and know to avoid him. Because you've learned that lesson now.
So feel guilty, because that guilt is what is going to keep you from making the same mistakes again. And it might not give you much comfort to hear right now, but the guilt does fade.
Good for you, breaking up with him. Maybe it was a mistake to get together with him, but you are being very smart in not hanging on to him when you know he's bad for you. Good for you, looking after yourself is lesson number one in life.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 February 2014):
I think you're being hugely harsh on yourself to be honest. You appear to feel guilty and bad for things that aren't really your fault, and things that you don't need to feel badly about. It's very easy with the benefit of hindsight to realize that you have done things that given a chance, you wouldn't do again.
The most important thing here, is that you have emotionally grown to the point where you are starting to know what you want from a relationship. There are a lot of people who don't see the light as you have. You know what you expect from yourself, and men. It's heartening that you have seen that your current boyfriend is controlling, and is treating you badly. So, you're doing the right thing and getting rid of him, and you're doing it safely. That's massively heartening,and in fact you should be proud of yourself. There are plenty of women and men who go through life unable to find the strength to do what you're doing.
We all make mistakes. We all do things we might later regret. The point is, do we learn from them? If we do, then feelings like guilty are irrelevant.
You're learning,and you're doing the right thing. Don't beat yourself up.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 February 2014):
 I can't believe your parents (shame on them) allowed you to date a 25 year old to begin with, so I'm glad your are breaking it off. As far as getting rid of your guilt, you simply vow to never have sex until you are in a relationship that has stood the test of time and stay true to that vow. Your self-esteem will sky-rocket once you prove to yourself how much YOU value YOU. No harm done just look forward not back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2014): Darling, don't worry yourself! You're not a tart or anything else like that for that matter. Look around you, darling, there are people having sex every day with people they barely know. You've been in committed relationships both times.Now, the fact that you feel this guilt proves to me that you're not a tart because a tart wouldn't feel guilt in anyway. I think the best way to end the guilt is to forget about it. Stop worrying yourself and just put it to one side in your mind.What's done is done, no one can change that and I don't think it's something you need to worry about. I suppose most people feel a sense of guilt when they've had sex when they didn't feel fully comfortable with it. A similar thing happened to me, I dated someone 10 years older than me and he used his age to make me feel young and small and he threatened to end the relationship if I didn't have sex with him etc and I foolishly fell for it and did what he wanted. I lost my virginity to him and I regret it massively because we're not together anymore. I felt guilty for months over the issue, so much so that I ended up feeling sick in my stomach, but I dealt with it by confessing it and now I've set it to one side. Because, as I said, what's done is done, I can't go back and change it and if truth be told, I could have lost my virginity to someone worse than him, so at least I know I'm not missing out on anything when I refuse to have sex with people. Don't worry, sweetie, it'll all work out. Just do what you feel you need to do and then you'll feel fine, the guilt will be gone :)
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