A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a young female and my problem is I don't really have any friends. I never had a lot of friends even back when I was in High School. I had maybe 3 or 4 friends but they ended up turning on me and started bullying me. My High School was actually a really big school and had a lot of people, but there was also a lot of drama there. I don't stay in touch with anyone at all from school. I didn't know most of them and the few people I did know are all off to college and have their own lives now. Do people usually lose touch with people from High School? Since I have graduated from school almost 2 years ago, I've moved back to my hometown and have been living here ever since, which is in a different state. Another problem is I don't know anyone here either. I don't have much family and the family I do have are all in different states so I don't see or hear from them often. I'm not really close with them. I guess I'm having a hard time dealing with all of this. I'm starting to get lonely and starting to feel like I don't have anyone. I've only had one boyfriend before and he ended up hurting me really badly and made fun of me for not having friends. I'm not really good at making friends anymore anyways so I don't know if there's any point in trying. Sorry for the long sob story but I know people give great advice on here and I really need some, what should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): If your ex boyfriend made fun of you for not having any friends then he just totally sucks as a human being. I know it must still hurt, but it doesn't mean that you don't have the ability to make friends. If it helps at all, my own mother used to say similar things to me "you don't have any friends", "you don't know how to talk to people", "you will never be happy". There are still times when these and more horrible messages run through my head - and I'm far older than you - and they still hurt BUT I've learned how to move on from them.First of all, WiseOwlE is right - you are in danger of falling into a rut and the more you let things slide the worst it will get. But there's also no point in forcing yourself to 'tough it out' - you may have to push yourself to do some things, but don't go to the extreme of forcing yourself too much or it will just become counter-productive.You can either think of friendships in terms of sharing pleasurable activities - in which case, the point is to think first of the activity and THEN of the friends who may or may not arise out of doing this. This takes the emphasis off of the making friends bit, and can help for friendships to slowly and steadily evolve.OR you can think of friends in terms of people with no real activities to do and who just want support from one another. You can get this by joining support groups, or chatting online to people like us - but these are a particular kind of friendship based on support needs. Often you will meet people with a shared problem, rather than a desire to share in pleasures.One way of effectively combining both things is to go back to college and do something you think you will really, really like. It will obviously involve some hard parts and this is where the mutual support aspect of friendships comes in.Another way would be to get a job and/or do voluntary work. There is at least a degree of pleasure in feeling active and purposed and part of a work community, but if it's a job that you don't like then you have to find a way to compartmentalise it, so that it doesn't get you down.A lot of what you are feeling now is fear of exposure to new situations and new risks. Getting through that feeling of being exposed is the first step and it helps to recognise it for exactly what it is - just a stage in meeting people that has to be gotten through.And don't, please don't, make the mistake of thinking that because people have loads and loads of friends your lack of friends makes you worthless or is evidence that there is something wrong. We literally are all different in this respect. For me, yeah, part of me would love to have dozens and dozens of people to just be able to call up and go out for a drink or whatever. And another part of me craves having a very bonded and very close friendship, like a 'death do us part' sort of bond. But the reality is that I have a couple of close friends - who I now see about once per month because we've moved on from college (where we met) and into working lives - and I have about 5 people who I'm not so close to but am happy to have a night out with and go for a coffee or a drink. I have to almost constantly remind myself that this is actually a good set of friends. I want more, yes, and there are times when I feel lonely and especially becuase I literally have no family whatsoever. But I'm just taking it steady and slowly and have to do a lot of work to overcome my self doubts and feelings of worthlessness. Finally it may be worth you checking out if there are other experiences - away from friendships or social situations - that have negatively impacted onto your confidence and self esteem. Sometimes these can be experiences of hardship or abuse or, the one that takes longer to figure out, emotional neglect. Emotional neglect by parents, for example, can make it harder to feel that you can just reach out and connect up to others. If you think that might be the case, ask for counselling and don't be afraid, like I was for far too long, to say "I don't have any friends". Please don't let it take as long as it took me - I'd urge you to try not to feel ashamed - or to at least think through, with a counsellor maybe, why you may feel shame about your situation. Good luck!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 February 2014):
 I agree with WiseOwlE - apply for scholarships/and/or grants and FURTHER yourself.
In the mean time (til next school year) - I would get a job. 1. you meet people through work and 2. you HAVE to learn how to socialize in different setting when you work.
2. Join a gym, take a class. (there must be something you like to do and want to improve on? like painting, photography, archery, hiking, cooking, whatnot.)
Sitting at home will not help you.
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A
female
reader, cute angel  +, writes (7 February 2014):
 Dear OP,
I think its pretty normal sometimes to lose touch with friends you went to high school with.. I think I barely talk to 2-3 of my friends from school via text and not too often..I'm not a people pleaser so I come off a little too strong for some people.. You have a lot of time ahead of you taking up a class be it gym,dance or anything that ur interested in would give you a good exposure
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2014): My advice would be try to get a job where you work with people, I used to be quite shy then I got my first job and that gave a lot of social skills. while I thought myself as shy people thought I was stuck-up so I had to really learn to make myself approachable and friendly. I was shitty at doing small talk and I wouldn't really ask after people if I weren't interested, just kept to myself, but I realized that people sometimes just want to be heard, so ask, show interest, make idle conversation. If you can do some courses at a community college, I don't know how that works in the US but in my country many colleges offer language courses for the community and that is great to meet new people of all ages and interact because you already have some common ground. Volunteer if you can or join a church youth group if that is your thing, those are also good ways of meeting new friends with shared interests. I too lost contact with some friends from high school because we just became different people, we changed and that is perfectly normal, but you always make new friends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2014): I'm quite sorry that you didn't participate more in socializing through high school. You're now learning the price of being too introverted; or shying from the same life all the other kids stood up to.
You let the bullies rule; you didn't fight back. Your hiding prevented people from finding you; and getting to know you better. They forgot you and left you behind.
People normally keep in touch through Facebook. Yes, they usually lose touch; while away attending college. Or wherever life's journey took them after graduation.
Opting out of college or a trade school, will leave you feeling stagnant and bored. It will limit your exposure to people your age growing up and exploring. You're still very young, and that two-year gap after high school should have been filled getting an education.
Getting an education will expand your opportunities and open doors. It will help you to find yourself. Higher learning gives people your age opportunities that will take them places; and give them the tools to do great things.
It will increase your earning potential. Make you a strong and independent woman. Able to effect change, and plot your own course through life. You won't have to depend on some man supporting you; or feel your options are limited to loser-types.
I know everyone isn't college-material. Some just don't have the funds. Where there's a will, there's a way.
Even if you have to join the military. You get to travel, earn money for an education; and meet people by the hundreds.
If you apply for grants, you could get into a community college or trade school, and give making friends another chance. You are older now, so student life won't be so juvenile and chaotic. They're paying for their education;
and don't have time for the foolishness. Hopefully, they've outgrown a lot of the antisocial behavior from high school.
I put emphasis on education; because you are limiting yourself to hometown-living, and not opening up your mind to all the possibilities out there. Not knowing or discovering your potential. If you started an education; finish it. Don't give up.
What did you do with that two years after high school? You didn't say. Connect with the family you do have. You're busy being a loner, and then complaining about being alone.
This is a crucial time in your life for college. You gain knowledge, make friends, and you grow wings to take yourself wherever you want to go. You're wasted undiscovered talent. You're going to fall into a rut.
Minimum wage jobs, loser boyfriends, and loneliness.
Get yourself an education. There are many benefits you'll gain in the process. You'll meet so many young people going somewhere in life. You won't feel isolated; or alone, because education will make you see much farther beyond the horizon. It will make you more optimistic about your future.
That's my take on it.
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A
female
reader, complicated. (:  +, writes (6 February 2014):
OP I get how you feel because I've had the same problem, I felt like I didn't have many friends and wanted to make some so I joined a rowing club and took up guitar lessons. I'd suggest joining clubs or classes. Find something you enjoy doing, maybe a sport or a fitness class, just generally something that interests you that you enjoy doing. You're bound to make friends that way and with common interests too. This should help you socialise with and get to know a variety of people and perhaps make you feel better. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2014): Hey :) I think it's normal for people to lose touch with people they went to school with, it sounds like you had a little trouble with your friends at school so I'm not surprised you don't contact them anymore, I wouldn't either. My advice is purely to be yourself, never change to be someone different to please others, make yourself happy, always look out for yourself and be strong. Once you've got that, people will gravitate towards you. Everyone needs friends, you don't have to have a million and one, just a couple of good friends and you'll be set. Don't panic too much about it though, don't literally go out of your way to meet people, but if you're in a cafe or bar or something and someone says hi, just talk or maybe put yourself out there and introduce yourself. It couldn't hurt your confidence and you never know, a best friend might come out of it in the end. Good luck :) I'm sure you'll find someone soon enough.
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