A
female
age
30-35,
*reehugger123
writes:I have being in my current relationship for the past 8 years and at the moment I am questioning whether it is what I want for the long-term.I feel that after 8 years together, we should be living together or at least have a clear plan for the future, but we don't. I have asked her where does she see a future for us going and she says she doesn't know as she doesn't plan her life beyond the next day. So I am left questioning what we are even doing together.Another issue I have is that the majority of the time I feel lonley in my relationship as we only see each other once a week. I have expressed this to her and said I would like to see her more but it isn't always received well. Once she joked and said that I should find someone else or says there is nothing she can do about it as I asking for too much.Finally, my partner is not 'out' to her family so they know me as just a friend she sees each week. This bothers me but I deal with it and I respect it, however, she also introduces me this way to complete strangers - in the past she has neglected to tell people she is in a relationship. Therefore special holidays such as Christmas are usually spent alone for me and people have expressed interest in her and I believe she has encouraged it.I feel guilty for the feeling the way I feel and I have been debating in my head walking away because I honestly feel like I am wasting my life away. I don't really think this situation will ever change and I believe she takes me for granted. I feel that these are petty reasons for me to leave and I feel guilty for wanting all of the things mentioned above.Can anyone give any advice?
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female
reader, Puddles +, writes (25 August 2019):
Hi, I am going through exactly the same situation although we have been together 6 years, a lot of her exes are involved and she’s a commitment freak. I would love to chat we can compare stories! I am questioning whether your girl is older? There is an age gap my end of a lot of years and I’m getting a feeling you are like me and the young of the two. Message me if you want to talk some more :)
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (19 August 2019):
 Petty? How are any of these reasons petty?
This woman sounds like she couldn’t give a shit to be quite honest. You aren’t married or don’t live together after EIGHT years? How on earth have you honestly been strung along for that amount of time? You are asking too much to want to see her more than once a week? Really? People don’t even know you’re together for goodness sake, you have wasted 8 years of your life with someone who isn’t committed to you in the slightest, you could be in a loving relationship with someone who’s proud to show you off, yet you’re being strung along with absolutely no idea what the future holds, ask yourself what’s the point?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2019): You aren't being petty in the least. She is! I agree you're like a mistress. Instead of keeping you a secret due to wanting to stay married, your "gf" (more like lover) is keeping you a secret because she doesn't have the courage to face the truth. She's not a strong person. She's selfish. And oblivious to what she's putting you through. She is just into the sex and fun. Likely she's just been experimenting all these years.
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A
male
reader, SadMan76  +, writes (19 August 2019):
First, there are no "petty" reasons. Only you can tell what is important enough FOR YOU to leave someone.
You are both quite young, and many people (at least guys) are not ready to commit until past 30. Also you are young enough to be able to meet someone else easier.
If you think she is a "keeper", then talk to her about you two. Explain that you want to have more of a life together. Don't ask her what she wants and adjust to that. The life you want don't have to happen overnight perhaps, but that you two agree on a plan when (not too far in the future) you move in together etc.
My worry is that her unwillingness to commit to you is caused by her not caring for you as much as you care for her.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (18 August 2019):
 OP, you aren't being petty at all. 8 years is a very long time to go with no commitment. I don't know too many people that would be happy with a relationship as you have stated yours is. She doesn't want to commit and that's about all there is to it. You've put up with it for so long that she doesn't feel the need to give your more. So are you going to hang around another 8 years? Or get out and find someone who wants the same things that you want?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 August 2019):
 Eight years without any commitment on her part and you are still hanging on? For what? You can hang on another EIGHTY years and nothing will change.
Do you not think you deserve better? Cut contact and walk away. Get over your loss then look for someone who will be proud to tell everyone you two are together, who will be keen to plan a future with you and who will want to spend the rest of their life with you. Don't be someone's dirty little secret. You deserve better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 August 2019):
 Can you clap loudly with one hand?
Can you have a relationship where only ONE of the people in it are committed?
She has had 8 years with you to decide to 1. tell her family 2. to decide IF you are the one she wants to be with - while it might SEEM like she WANTS to be with you, she doesn't really want to invest TIME in you.
So what are you left with?
YOU are left with the decisions whether YOU can to continue what you have with her OR not. SHE is not going to change. She is quite OK with status quo. If this was 1 year in I can see it being "the norm" to see each other once a week and her not being out... but after 8 years?
And why have you WAITED 8 years for this to bother you?
I don't think she WAS joking when she said that you should find someone else. Because SHE isn't willing to give you more of herself than you get.
You have waited 8 years for her to be on the same page, want some of the same things - how much longer are you going to wait for something that will not happen?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2019): There's nothing petty about it - what you are essentially acting out is the mistress in the relationship. You are in no better position than that of one - your OH is taking you for granted ...I will re-phrase, she is point blank taking you for a fool as she has the best of both worlds - a comfortable life and a partner waiting in the wings willing to put up with just about any way she treats you.
As a woman who very recently just came out of a similar relationship, run for the hills and don't look back. You are worth more and deserve more than what this selfish piece of work is offering. She has laughed at your misery and told you in jest to go find somebody else - so do it. Find somebody who is happy to spend time with you and is proud to be with you, be seen with you and spend holidays etc with you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2019): So in eight years she hasn't:
Committed to you in the slightest.
Acknowledged your relationship to her friends and family.
Made any attempt to move forward in the relationship or suggested that it might happen.
And now she says for her to do this is'asking too much'
You need to leave this woman right now. She is happy with the status quo and nothing will ever change.
Your reasons are not petty. They're the fundamentals of a relationship together; being on the same page, sharing common goals, having each others back! Getting along day to day when you only see each other once a week is nothing to base a future on. Your reasons are the reasons that people break up. Your part time relationship makes you the side chick in relation to the rest of her life-to be fitted in where it doesn't interfere with the really important stuff.
Get rid of her. It shouldn't be hard as your lives are barely intertwined compared to my marriage that is half the age of your relationship. Live your life. Find a partner who wants to pull you into the future together with enthusiasm. Good luck!
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