A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I think perhaps I have made a mistake by getting married. We got together 8 years ago, split up after 3 then got back together the next year. Ever since then (4 years) I have felt that there has been something lacking: we get on fine but I don't feel I'm in love with her. The thing is though, she was so hurt when we split up the first time I think I decided I could never do that to her again now that I'd come back. So anyway, things drift along and last year we got married. It all seemed a natural progression despite my doubts, and no question if made her very happy (and don't get me wrong I care about her very much and want to make her happy). I think I somehow persuaded myself a wedding would be a magic pill and make me happily in love with her forever. Yes, I know how dumb that sounds.For a few month's honeymoon period it seemed to work but now I am right back where I was, living with my best friend but not in love with her. I got married to make her happy but I'm not. My worry is that after getting married 'cos I think it will help a shaky relationship next thing you know it'll be having a baby to bring us together. I met someone else the other week; nothing happened but I felt myself falling for another woman and realised the mess I had got myself in. I'm absolutely not about to embark on an affair, nor even try to see her again, but it's made me realise there is someone out there I could fall for completely and makes me think I've really messed up be getting married. Any advice on what I can do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2007): Hey thanks you guys. Not quite a consensus of opinion but I greatly appreciate the comments from all of you.
I agree with you Adelaide that many many marriages have a much less solid foundation and yet may be very successful, my big concern still is exactly Wendy's point that things could get a lot worse, and you're right, no doubt a time would come when I would cheat.
As to being run over by a bus tomorrow, I think I would be happy to have done the honourable thing and stayed in the marriage. If I could see that bus coming one year away the answer might be different though.
I think though that this is not the time for anything rash. Only a week ago I was falling for someone else and perhaps I need some time to be sure that the memory of that isn't clouding my judgements of my wife.
Thanks again for the help.
A
female
reader, Millyella +, writes (25 January 2007):
 Oh dear, you really are in a bind, aren't you? I completely understand where you're coming from. It's easy to drift into marriage with somebody who you can rub along with quite happily for 90% of the time. This all works well until one party meets somebody else that they're attracted to.
You know what you options are: stay and put your own happiness aside, or leave and put your wife's happiness aside. Neither is very appealing as somebody ends up miserable no matter which scenario you choose. If i were you, i would ask myself this: if i was to get hit by a bus tomorrow, would i regret staying in this marriage?
You alone know the answer. There are no easy options here; you will just have to choose the one you can most live with.
Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Adelaide +, writes (25 January 2007):
I do feel for you, I also think you are being a little hard on yourself.
What is so wrong with being married to your soul mate your best friend? in my experience people can search the universe or search a life time to find what you have got.
Stop and think for one minute, if you did seperate from your wife, would the grass truly be greener on the other side? I suspect not, as with any relationship, things will be heavenly bliss for a while, your heart will race for a while, but inevitably, you will at some point be faced with other problems or other issues.
I think it has suddenly hit you that you are married and you are feeling a little regret. The truth is you could make this marriage work! you did fall in love with your wife initially, you need to concentrate on what could ultimately make you both very happy.
Don't assume that the next natural progression now your married should be children, this is not the answer and I think you already know this, instead are you in a position to both take a career break and go travelling together?
Plan the future, if you can't afford it at the moment then set time aside to discuss what you both want as a married couple, be honest with her! tell her you want things to spice up.
It would be lovely to see you both aspire to some sort of goal that you could both acheive.
you must have lots in common with your wife being best friends, you really could turn this marriage around!!!!
set yourself a target of say 12 months of being faithfull, don't look elsewhere, focus on your wife's attributes! what makes her tick? what makes her racy? what aspirations does she have? your life is what you make it, what you put in is what you will get out.
discuss these issues with her you never know she may also feel a little unsure.
Go for it be happy!
Let me know how you get on!
Good Luck and Kindest Regards
Adelaide
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A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (25 January 2007):
 Oh dear.. What a bit of a mess hun... Well its a case of your happiness... or your wife's (best friend as you say)...
Well the only thing you can really do is fess up... or else carry on living the lie... Your best friend(wife) has no idea and thinks everything is great and you love her as she loves you... but your not happy and its going to get worse... There really is no way but to come clean.. its either that or you reap what you sow and stay put never knowing what else is out there and you know its a lie...
Think of it this way, you dont want to hurt her, but dont you owe it to her to set her free tell her whats going on so she can find someone that does truly love her ? I know its not easy and I cant see another way... you have to be honest... There is no easy way out of this...
Im not trying to be harsh... but you either stay with her knowing you dont love her and carry it all on... or you are staight with her set her free and let her find the love of her life that will love her back equally in a way that you cant.
You might not think it now, but if you carry on there will come a time when you will cheat, and you will want more.. and you will want to find that women to love.. your already feeling this way now... it wont disappear overnight... At least be honest with her now, it will be easier all round than having to explain that you ran off with someone, or she finds out you cheated, that is total betrayal and will be a lot harder for her to bare.
You both need a bright future and you both deserve to be happy ... talk to her its not going to be easy, but it could be a whole lot worse in another 4 years.
Take care x x
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