A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:[OP original title]Back Story:I met this person at a bar. Went home with him. Slept with him. Hung out the next weekend. Had the conversation that neither of us was looking for anything serious. My reasoning: I was freshly out of a marriage. His reasoning: I had kids from that marriage.He has not met my children. And doesn't want to. He has reminded me several times that our relationship will not be serious.We have dated for about 8 months, spending at least two-three days a week with each other. (Unless I am out of town.) This is his longest relationship.And now, I am falling in love with him.The way I see it, I have a couple of options:1a. Tell him and hope that he is too.1b. Tell him and he is not... relationship over.2. Don't tell him and even though nothing will come out of it, cherish every moment i have with you. But live with the desire to tell him. (which is not pleasant.) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (17 August 2010):
 I see.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually, my kids don't live with me because I am going to med school....
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (17 August 2010):
Look, your question will have the same answer whether there are kids involved or not, but just you asking that question and stating that you see your kids once a month and they don't live with you, throws up a red flag about you in my mind.
I think you may have some deeper issues going on and you might benefit from some therapy. There is a reason you pick emotionally unavailable men, you are afraid of intimacy yourself. How's that working for you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): My kids actually don't live with me. I see them once a month. Everyone's advice focuses on them. -but what if they aren't in the equation?
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A
female
reader, fishy fish +, writes (17 August 2010):
I completely agree with youwish! to him you are Mrs right now not Mrs right, you have nothing to lose sweety by sharing your feelings with him but this guy has no serious intentions towards you or your family members! however flush it out of your system and tell him, either he leaves and spares you further time in this so called relationship or he stays and works on developing what's between you. if i were you i wouldn't keep my expectations high! plz be rational and remember that until the right guy comes along , your absolute genuine love are your kids , may God bless them!
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (17 August 2010):
This is a dangerous relationship for you, telling him will just give him more opportunity to use you and manipulate you into putting up with his emotional unavailability.
Something tells me that you think it is just your having kids that is holding back the floodgates of his love for you, and he'll decide to meet them and you will ride off into the sunset happily ever after.
This man has told you who he is up front, he has told you he doesn't see you as girlfriend material, he will NOT get serious with you.
He's never been a relationship longer than a few months and he is over the age of 25.
These are all RED FLAGS, you are consciously aware of them and you are choosing to disregard them and keep putting yourself in harms way. It is inevitable that you will be harmed by staying in this situation, I won't honor it with calling it a relationship, it isn't.
Listen to "YouWish" she has it right, you wish this was something other than casual sex, but you agreed to this deal and it's a BAD deal for you and always will be a good deal for him, so don't mistake the "time" you've put in and he's put in to mean the relationship is progressing or going somewhere. Women are biologically hardwired to bond at a deep level with the men they are sleeping with, especially if it happens more than once, lol.
Men are not, they don't fall in love because you're having sex, of course they will act as if because it makes the sex better, but it isn't really felt on a deep level by a USER.
Cut your losses, get out, and vow to choose a better man next time.
"Every woman gets the Love Life she DESERVES." You are in the driver's seat of your own life.
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A
female
reader, knuckles03 +, writes (17 August 2010):
I feel that you should tell him bc u will not know how he truely feels unless you tell him and that will give him room to open up. Another reason why you should tell him is bc you don't want to be in this same relationship with him for 3 years and it is not goin anywhere. You could be miss out on someone who wants and is ready to love you but you will never know if you are holding on to him. So if you tell him you will really know where to go from there.. good luck
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 August 2010):
 Oh boy - this is the danger of "friends with benefits".
If he's reminded you "several times" that your relationship will not be serious, I'm afraid that you're going to be hurt by him eventually.
Let me ask you this - why would you love a man who rejects your kids? Eight months, and he has never met, nor does not want to meet them? If he had feelings for you, he would want to know all of you, and that includes who you are as a mom.
He will eventually hurt you one of three ways:
1. He will never return your feelings, but rather use you as a diversion. Your emotional needs are not his concern, as he has abundantly made clear to you.
2. He will drop you in a second when he meets a woman he has feelings for. You are Ms. Right Now, not Ms. Right.
3. He couldn't care less if your kids, who you love and would give your life for, exist.
You may be falling in love with this guy, but in truth, he is keeping you from finding your TRUE love. If you do find the strength to tell this guy that you need to stop seeing him, you'll open your heart to a guy who DOES care about you. You won't need to try and keep him with sex, and he'll love you body AND soul.
Listen - just because you've been married before and have kids doesn't mean you don't deserve true love. You don't have to settle for a user to "hook up" with just because you feel that you're "used". Half of all the marriages today end in divorce, so there are at least as many guys out there who have kids who are looking to love again. You haven't disqualified yourself from happiness, love, and caring.
However, the guy you're with is like a mirage. He may look like someone who will meet your needs emotionally, but you're only drinking the sand with him, and he's using your vulnerability and need for closeness to get what he wants from you. He's not being dishonest about it, as he has said that he will never be serious with you, but you need more than what you have with him.
Tell him that you've developed feelings for him beyond your twice-a-week hookups, and tell him that you need more than a guy who's non-serious, and wish him well with his life. Don't count on his suddenly realizing that you're the ultimate love of his life and offering to go camping with you and the kids. Not after 8 months. He's had more than enough of you and your time.
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A
female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (17 August 2010):
 the right thing to do is to tell him, he deserves to know. Just tell him that your feelings for him have grown stronger since you spend so much time together, ask him if his feelings has changed and go from there. Prepare yourself for the worst and hope for the best.
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