A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My situation is that I am a married woman with a child, my husband and I have not been on the same communication level for about a year. He and I both work all the time and I am also a full time student---never have time for each other. I have tried talking to him even on the phone but the conversations would end at about 4 minutes. We have been married for seven years and I recently got to talking to a friend. I have known this friend for about 2 years but have gotten to know him better within the last 3 months. This friend of mine is not from the same culture as I am but I have been falling for him more and more each day. He also has feelings for me and tells me everything that I want to hear. We talk on the phone for hours at a time. He does a great job with my son and wants a future with me if my marriage does not work. I want my marriage to work for the sake of my son and husband. I have talked to my husband and asked if he was happy in the marriage and he said he was and that if he wasn't he would leave but then again he does not communicate well on his feelings at all). I mean I am so happy when I am talking to this other guy and he has told me that he wants me happy but I do not know what to do. I want to stay in the marriage and see if it will bring me happiness again but then again my friend's friends are telling him that we should get together because they have never seen him happier. it seems though that I want to make both of them happy and in reality that is impossible. Or should i stay friends with this friend only? I dont know what to do or think anymore......
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2009): I don't believe that you are "happy enough to want your marriage...". While I am not judging havining conversation with a "friend", may I suggest that you ask YOU where this HAS gone in your mind-please be brutally honest with yourself. Then look carefully inside your child's heart and your husband's heart to see just will be destroyed in them (and you) if you take this ???? to the next level.
As a married man who's found himself in "need of someone to talk to" on levels beyound the mundane, I've refused to "go there (in my own mind) because the the next step for me would be devastating because "good conversation across a broad spectrum of topics has always been sexually arousing to me. My wife travels A Lot,and is exhausted a lot. She was doing this when we met, and because she is "a little younger than me, and has not accomplished several of her personal goals, part of my comittment to her is to support her in her job by being with ou two beautiful children ages 11 and 15. Is all well with us? Nope, not by a long shot. Problem for me: 1. I love with all my heart and am determined that I will fight my need for... because I do ever want to hurt her that way; 2. Our children are such beautiful composites of us, along with being their own "mystical selves", I refuse to hurt them by upseting their little universes because of what I need.
I pray a lot! When we cannot agree, I drop issues and pray some more! When I saw, in marriage counseling that rather than helping us clear things up, things were getting fiery, I steppd back and spoke the truth-" I love you but this is making me want to leave, I cannot leave you and think that "someone else" is what I want. So, I will walk with you "by faith and not by sight". Because she understands that I stubbornly believe in her, our original love, and what we've managed to build together, I think we have an excellent chance to make it.(We do share the "faith thing" and it was at the core of our coming together).
Try to find, again, the fire that brought YOU to HIM. Even if it is a bit cold now, it sounds to me like you could do much to re-light that fire and rekindle the love you had for him in your beginning.
Best of love and luck to you and your family.
Anon He
A
female
reader, sugar_sugar  +, writes (21 April 2009):
 It's easier in the beginning, of course with someone new there will be a million topics you haven't yet discussed.I also wonder if the fact that you are spending HOURS talking to someone other than your husband means that by the time you speak to him you have less enthusiasm/less to talk about than you otherwise may have.I see your age is listed as 18 - 21, how have you been married for 7 years? Is this age incorrect?Instead of waiting for something to BRING you happiness you need to take an active role in creating and sustaining your own happiness.If you are unhappy in your marriage, get counselling. Communicate with your husband instead of spending your time and energy on someone else. I think if you want your marriage to work you need to cut this "friend" off. It's unhealthy.The attention and affection this friend is giving you is tempting I'm sure - but it's fleeting, and not worth ending a marriage over.He tells you everything you want to hear? Is that really what you want? Your friends friends think you should get together because it will make him happy? Those are fairly weak reasons to end it.
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A
female
reader, anitaw4 +, writes (21 April 2009):
Let me tell you that it is always easier to talk to a friend than the one you are with. The grass often seems greener on the other side. More often that not, once you stray to the other side and actually have a relationship, things get hard too. Its easy to say what your friend wants to hear and vise versa when you arent living together. Its never a good idea to consult with or talk intimately with another man when times are hard, it often leads to infidelity. Try hard to work things out with your husband. If things dont work then maybe you could try it with the other guy. Just remember, if you and the other guy got together, things could get tough eventually there too, then what, move on again????
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