A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there! So, after a few months being on a LDR my bf proposed a few weeks ago over dinner. WOW! We've been together for nearly 2 years (too soon to get married?) and of course I said yes yes yes and I wanted to jump and scream and let the world know how deeply in love with this guy I am. Well, as I told you, we're LDR at the moment and when I told him how he was thinking of fixing that he said: "I'm gonna need another 1.5 years away from you (he works abroad and earns very good money)- then I'll move back together with you. I've got quite a lot of money in the bank and I need this extra 1.5 year to save some more then we'll be living together and I'll start looking for a job and we'll figure something out." Also: he has a very well off and supportive family. I myself have a great job and don't have many concerns money-wise. Yet, I was talking to my mom the other night and she said I shouldn't marry him unless he gives me proof he's actually gonna be back soon. She also said: "What if he doesn't find a job? What if he changes his mind and won't move back? Things change... he might love you today, but what if he doesn't love you in 1 year and decides to say abroad for whatever reason?". Does she have a point? When I told my bf about it he said: "I love you and I cannot think of a life without you. I have money, my family will help me, something will come up. My priority is you and all I want is to live close to you as soon as possible."What do you guys think? Is out project too vague? Also: is a 1.5 year-long LDR relationship manageable? Will I be stuck here with a husband abroad not willing to move back for whatever reason? Thank you!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all! We've been living together for nearly a year and he's been relocated abroad just recently. The reason why I can't leave my job is that I have a great job I love and I own a house here whereas he's only gonna be abroad temporarily. Thank you all for raising all those issues... I think I need to think this marriage thing over a little bit. Thank you all again!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): Personally I wouldn't get married until you're ready to settle down together.
Actually I wouldn't get married until I've lived together with a person and have a good sense of what a life living with them would be like.
OP the relationship you have while in this LDR will not be the one you have once you're living together. It's very different.
I just don't get why you want to get married but not actually settle down, I honestly have never heard of it, only in cases where someone marries someone in jail.
Anything's possible and the decision is yours but I prefer the traditional approach, marriage as a means of settling down together spending another 18 months apart is not what I would consider the ideal start to a marriage and with a person who's annoying little living habits you don't even know yet.
OP I think this may be a case of buying a used without having a test drive.
If you're going to be with each other forever what's the rush? Is there some kind of tax relief or other benefits he gets from being married? Is he perhaps a different nationality that would benefit from a passport in your country?
Call me cynical OP but what's the hurry? Together forever doesn't need a ring. The real benefits of marriage only really come about when you actually get your own place and all the financial, legal benefits that are given to married couples.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 September 2012):
 WE have friends that got married yesterday. He lives in One State and she in another. they see each other three out of every four weekends. They have been LDR for 2.5 years and will not have an LDR marriage for THREE years....
he is going to be eligible for his pension in 3 years so she insisted he stay till the end... he is required to live in the city he works in so he can't commute. (and it's 2 hours so it's a bit far for a daily commute)
I have no doubt they will live happily ever after.... so yes it can and does happen.
but is there a reason you can't go be with him?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): LDR engagement from a guy POV: She shouldn't be sleeping with any other guy and I can honestly tell any woman I meet during next 1.5 years "I'm not married."
LDR marriage: She won't be sleeping with any other guy and no woman I meet during next 1.5 years will know I'm technically married to a virtual stranger.
Ahh, the good old days when a guy got "engaged" it really meant something: "Yes, I'm still sleeping with her and no, I still haven't married her."
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 September 2012):
 If your LDR is successful now, I can't see why it wouldn't be 1.5 years down the line.
Do you two visit each other while he works overseas? Actually SPEND time together physically?
However, why get married now if he is going to be away for another 1.5 years? Why not wait til he is done with the contract and ready to come home? I mean what is the benefit of being married when he isn't there? KWIM?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 September 2012):
 So you want to get married NOW and have a long distance marriage ?.... Why ? what's your rush ? can't you stay engaged 1.5 years and then get married AFTER he has come back and got a job here ?
I am not that concerned that he could change his mind and refuse to marry you later on- hopefully he is an adult, sane and rational, he knows what he wants and if he said he wants you, why should we doubt that. As for changing his mind, ah shit happens even after 20 years of relationship, to people living together or in the same town, so we'll cross that bridge when we 'll reach there ( hopefully never !! ) .
But the job thing, it's important. Savings, his parents' money... yeah that's nice, but all savings end at some point ( unless you are Uncle Scrooge-rich ) and their parents' money .. is their parents', not his, not yours, don't you want to live off YOUR own money as a couple ?
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reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (16 September 2012):
 I think you should do what you feel is the best for you. I am not sure what I would think of being married and then having to live apart for two years.
My concern would be that after this 1.5 years, that he tells you again, "I need another two years to make some more money for us".
If he has money now, his parents have money, and I'm assuming you aren't broke, why not live together now? Also, if he wants to live close to you as soon as possible, then why not start making those arrangements NOW, get your house set-up, then get married?
I know there are all sorts of circumstances people find themselves in, but I do agree with your mom that you should think about this first. You've already been together for 2 years (which is a long time). I honestly think you should be making arrangements to set up house together first, THEN get married.
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reader, HotGeek  +, writes (16 September 2012):
This is not typical advice you can find on dearcupid.org, but here it goes:
Your mother does have a valid point from the legal point of view. I know you're madly in love with him, and I can believe he is also, but 18 months is a long time, and different things happen. IF, the small if he disappears, you'd be also in legal trouble. It is not easy to divorce a person who just vanished, and there are other issues I will not stress you with.
I do realize those are far-off shots, but things happen. Try to think of this situation from the side, it's not you but perhaps your sister. You know, your mother is not uncool, she simply has seen more than both of us.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 September 2012):
 Ah, he is Genuine. That is a Good suggestion.
That demonstrates that he is definitely Honourable and Genuine.
I think he is a 'keeper'
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAbella,he actually suggested we get married in the next few months then have an LDR marriage for 1.5years until he gets back here! Sorry I didn't make it clear! Thank you
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reader, Abella +, writes (16 September 2012):
two years is quite long enough to get married.
I am surprised that he does not marry you now though. After two years he knows who you are and he knows how he feels.
3.5 years is a real stretch and you are no longer 20 - 25 you are already moving towards mid 30s. if you want children together it is going to get more difficult to conceive a child.
Now that may be irrelevant to you. Maybe you do not want children.
I am just surprised that he is not willing already to marry you and set up home, even though you would not see each other as much I think a further 1.5 years as LDR is going to put pressure on the relationship.
For some people enough money is NEVER enough.
And you could start building things towards more goals once you are married.
However, that said, he does sound honourable. he does sound like he has good plans for the future. and he does sound as if he definitely sees you in his future.
Keep on talking things through.
I maybe just too over cautious.
And maybe your Mom is just too sceptical. I am sure that she wants the best for you and does not want to see you get hurt.
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