A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am confused. My ex boyfriend who dumped me 3 months ago has phoned me once a week why? no idea. Anyway he invited me around to his place for lunch and he cooked me up a lovely roast and we had a chat etc then ended up having sex. We did have a quick chat that this wasn't going end up in a relationship again and both agreed so have come to the decision that we will be ex with benefits until one of us starts having sex with another person or gets bored or gets into a relationship. I left got home and feel ok about things, he text and said it was good to catch up take care. Then he phoned to make sure I got home alright. So I would love to hear what males especially thoughts are on this. Is there more into this than I am realising or not?, is he just being caring by the phone call or guilty??,or nothig really? Are we doing the right thing using each other?,we both have trust in each other.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2013): Hi. If I was you i would email him and tell him straight. Meaning.that you are uncomfortable with the current set up.and more or less what you wrote in here. You are an adult. Tell him,and see what he has to say. If he has nothing to say,you have your answer. Don.t allow him to take advantage of your feelings for him. Put it nicely,but firmly. Let us know what happens,and good luck. You deserve love. Real love. X
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (30 June 2013):
 'so have come to the decision that we will be ex with benefits until one of us starts having sex with another person or gets bored or gets into a relationship'
All the while you are sleeping with him, you won't meet someone else because everytime you sleep with him, you deep down imagine that it will make him want you back (please tell me I am wrong and you don't think that)
He will be the first to move on and find someone new because he isn't emotionally invested in you and he wanted the relationship to end.
He is using you as a time filler until he finds someone else...you are going to get hurt! and the temporary fix of having sex with him won't last.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (30 June 2013):
 "Are we doing the right thing using each other?"
You couldn't be in a more unhealthy situation if you tried.
He dumps you, but wants to have sex with you, meaning you're not good enough to love, but good enough to get him off. You're with him because it lessens the sting of his dumping you, and you hope that in being with you, he'll realize the error of his ways and regret hurting you in that fashion.
Don't do it! Out of all the people in the world, including so many more worthy people, why would you "use" the ex that dumped you? In my opinion, that's the last person you should ever allow to touch you ever again.
Never go back. Every day you are FWB with him is a day that you won't be moving on, or healing, or even being physically or emotionally open to having feelings for another man.
You are putting your head in the sand to believe that he would stop having sex with you if he found someone else to have sex with, and likewise believing that you could re-enter a sexual relationship that won't consist of wallowing in the hurt of your breakup with him.
In short, staying with him is extremely unhealthy, masochistic, unwise, time-wasting, and self-destructive. He dumped you. Now dump him back. If this was just to use each other for easy and convenient no-feelings sexual release, you could easily either get a sex toy that would satisfy you far better than he ever could. If this was just for familiarity, sleeping with a porcupine would be less hurtful. Out of all the guys who would love to know you for you, and would cherish you for who you are, and consider sex not as some throw-away booty call and would adore you body AND SOUL, you'd choose to go back to some regurgitated backwash FWB that your ex exploits your ego to use you again, adding insult to injury.
I hope sooner rather than later, you will come to your senses, never allow him to touch you again, and have the courage to look to the future than relive the regurgitated vomit of the past.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 June 2013):
 You would be doing the right thing if you were both perfectly fine with the current set up and convinced it suits your needs perfectly. You are two consenting adults and you can do whatver you want.
But, frankly, the very fact that you are on DC wondering what does it mean and it may mean more, makes me think that you are not totally fine with what agreed , that you'd love to see it going back to a relationship again- and in this case , I am pretty sure you are going to be disappointed ( I am not a man , though :)
He called once a week because he wanted something and a phone call here and there is a low manteinance, effortless way to get it, and he eventually he got it. He does not want to be sexless until he finds another partner, - so now he does not have the obligation and hassles of being in a relationship ( that already failed once ) but he can have reliable sex for ..as long as convenient.
True, in theory you could get another bf tomorrow so your ex would be out of the picture, but I think he knows that until he keeps you hooked there's no much risk of that. He is not the one who is writing us asking what does it mean and what could it mean etc- you are.
If he had wanted to get back with you- he would have asked. he was not shy in calling you once a week after the break up, he was not shy in initiating sex and offering FWB. If he had wanted more than that- he would have told you.
So, make sure that what you are going to do is exactly what you 'd want to do , no more and no less. And if you have doubts, get yourself out before you get hurt.
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