A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:DearCupid,I am a middle aged young woman who put her life aside because I have one living parent and now she is slightly sick she's a diabetic and had to have her legs taken off she also have other health issues going on.I am not the only child I have four other siblings and they refuse to help take care of my mommy.And today we were talking among each other and she told me that my oldest brother wishes she would die she said it didn't come out of his mouth but it was in his eyes that told her how he really feels my blood pressure went up.I love my mom to pieces I don't know what I would do with out her being with me.Nobody comes over that often to see her I am here 24 seven because my mom needs us but I am the only one here.Why Are they acting like this toward the woman who raised us with all she had.My mother never abandoned us under no circumstances she is GOD's GREATEST GIFT and they just don't want to be around to do anything for her why? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2013): Thanks for all the feedback but my siblings and I we have talked about taking turns with my mom but when it winds up everybody get busy no one answers the phone or I will be over to see mom and never shows up .My mom lives with me and my oldest brother does also and when she wants help he sits right there and tell me mom wants YOU everything is on me nobody wants to help with my mother all I can say is it's sad but KARMA does come back around.:)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2013): I have a take on both sides.If you are doing it all yourself you don't leave much room for other's to step in. When you are a carer it is very very hard but more so, when it is for family. I have to ask, is there no outside extra help your mother can have? Although you are a very loyal and loving daughter, you should not expect your other siblings to be of the same nature as yourself. Some people just can not do illness, some people blame the person for getting ill in the first place, so hold some resentment and don't want to get involved. Some just don't give a shit, and some are quite happy to only share the good times, while others are willing to give their whole life, none of which are the best thing to do.I understand your feelings and I understand how demanding care work is, and i understand your labour of love. You could ask this question over and over to your siblings and you may bang your head against a brick wall, because they obviously do not feel the same as you towards their mother. Maybe they are just selfish and you have to accept that and leave them to their own devices or enlist outside support or do it alone.I will always look at both sides and I see a fault on your Mothers side here:she told me that my oldest brother wishes she would die she said it didn't come out of his mouth but it was in his eyes that told her how he really feels.If i were the child hearing my mother say this about me, especially as it 'never actually came out of my mouth' i would be very very hurt and angry and would want to stay away.You also say you felt angry at your sibling because of this, but why? he never actually said those words, yourmother did. If someone makes a story up because of what they 'THINK' someones eyes were saying, you would be just as foolish for reacting to a make belief story.I think there must be more to this because why would mother say this?What other health issues are we talking about here?How long has Mother been poorly?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 June 2013):
 Listen, your mom is in a very vulnerable place right now. She lost her legs, and no doubt about it, you are a hero for being there for her.
But as tempting as it is to adopt a "us against them" martyr stance, you can't feed into it, or you will work to destroy relationships, both of your siblings to your mom, and your siblings to you. And as much as you feel you're helping by agreeing with your mom and letting her words get your blood pressure up, as you described, you must understand that your mom is also projecting her own feelings about her worth.
I very highly doubt that your older brother wishes she would die. Her "seeing it in his eyes" and you agreeing with her isn't fair to him, because no kid wants their parent to die.
You are there 24/7. That's good, but some people can't do that, whether they live long distance away or they have families that demand their time as well. Instead of feeding into innuendo and hurt feelings and "us against the others", get everyone together, explain what needs to happen, and have a family meeting where people can come up with a plan and how much people can do.
I've been where you are, and the temptation to feed the whole "they don't care" and "they're not doing enough" and "it makes me so mad that he wants you to die" is devastating if you indulge it. You must be a peacemaker, a problem solver, the rational calm anchor into reality. Your mom's world is spinning out of control, and you can't react to every emotion, every point of unbalance. You must balance things. It does no good to work to break ties, to feed into hurt feelings and animosity. She needs them as well, and they need her.
Work together to set up care for her. Remember, you are not the only person who can care for her. Check into the state, the social worker she has (she can get one through her care providers) to help get her additional volunteer care. There's financial help, people who can come to bring her meals, there is volunteer medical care, physical therapy. Work to keep things positive, to give your mom hope, to encourage her to not feel sorry for herself or strike out at the seemingly "ungrateful" siblings.
You love your mom. You must realize that a healthy, whole, peaceful, loving, strong family unit is so much better than a divisive, backbiting, reactionary, hurtful family dynamic is. Your brother would have to be a psychopath to seriously want your mom dead. Your mom is projecting that she's not loveable without legs and as a hardship. Don't feed into it. Work with her to overcome it by being a family advocate and a peacemaker and the voice of reality.
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