A
male
age
51-59,
*LuckyMan
writes:The facts: we were divorced a year ago after 3 years of separation and lots of good reasons to split. We have 2 boys, 23 and 19 years old, now out of the house (university and "exploring the world.) I met the love of my life 2 years ago, and am newly remarried. My ex-wife and her boyfriend (of at least a year)and his daughters now live together in the empty nest that was our home. Communication is perhaps once every 2 months to deal with occasional issues, and usually by email (we live in different countries now.) My new wife (no previous marriage, no kids) hates the thought of my previous life, though she has met and quite likes my sons (and the feeling is mutual.) When she hears me on the phone to my parents, mentioning the boys, or to them, though, she freaks out... it's a reminder that I came to her as "used goods" and she has several times indicated that, unreasonable though it may be, she doesn't want to "share" me with anyone. I don't blame her for this, though I feel like I insulate her pretty well from anything about my previous family. And I'm not what you might consider "in frequent contact" with my ex-wife. The Ex-Wife is not making things easier. Despite her new relationship, she frequently contacts my parents and extended family members... attends family events, etc, usually without me. (She lives close to them, while I do not.) She did not grow up with a very happy or loving family, and considers (I think) my family "hers"... even still. I am aware of what the reaction might be if I broached the subject with either my parents or with my ex-wife. They would probably tell me to mind my own business. But it's annoying to me hear my mother say how "ex" invited her for dinner, or is going to a family reunion... and even worse if my new wife hears this. How can I possibly convey to my ex-wife that she should just buzz off my family?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Your new wife needs to catch a wake up call and get with the programme. She is not a child she cannot and should not go of her rockers everytime your boys or ex is mentioned. She is very childish, bordering on insensitive and she seems to have no self esteem. She basically needs to get over herself. What does she expect: some 23 odd years to disappear because she is now around. Surely you had good memories with your ex and kids? What do u do? Erase Them totally?
Does the new wife 'allow' you to reminisce? Thinking back to the 'good ' old days with your kids? Or is it that u don't dare mention anything about that time? What a horrible way to Live !!!! I pity you.
Regarding your ex wifes relationship with your family.plse leave well alone. You divorced your wife, she did not divorce your parents. Plse get used to that. Not only does your new wife dictate what you must do/feel, she now wants to control your ex as well. For goodness sake you live in different countries, your new wife cannot expect to dictate what happens in the 'old' country.
Your ex is free to visit whomever she pleases ,including your family, until THEY expressly choose otherwise.
Your ex is in a new relationship, she has moved on and you have as well. Does your new wife have a 'past'. Right now u are lapping the new ones total attention and dedication. Soon u are going to tire of all her dictating sh1t and then what?? Perhaps you need to sit her down and TELL her where to get off.
Your kids may be out exploring the world but you have inherited another one in the form of your new wife. Soon I am sure u will start resenting her and she will deserve what she created.
What is the solution to all this mess: butt out of your ex wifes affiliations and her friendships. Tell your new wife to do the same. Make your new memories with the new one and help her to get over her jealously and that. What she is displaying.the new wife is just plain jealous and there is no two ways about it. So she makes everyone miserable bec she cannot accept being # 2.
If your new wife doesn't buck up and start acting like a responsible adult, she will try to full your head with sh1t and you will burn your bridges with your own family . From what u have written only your new wife is creating problems.
Go figure. Either accept the new wifes control freak ways or put a stop to it. If she sulks for a few days it will be better than a lifetime of misery for you.
DO NOT abandon your family (kids, parents, extended family and even ex wife) just bec your new wife is selfish. You are a better man than that.
Good luck, I hope you are not sleeping in the guest room tonight!!!!!
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, Catflap1 +, writes (16 November 2010):
I am in a similar situation and could be very jealous because my ex husband is marrying a younger, lovely looking girl. I know her faults though and am proud that I have two degrees, lots of brains and a unique sense of humour.
My ex and I and she have no problem getting together for our son's birthday and we support each other as best we can. It is polite and not intimate. Your new wife has not got this sense of security and it is her problem.
The best way she could rise above it is to act other than she feels, the opposite.
If she conquers her fears they will go away. The way she phrases things like being second hand is useless. Your ex wife may think she is discarded goods for example. Your new wife needs to reframe her thoughts but this is hard as she is insecure. It would help you both to see a counsellor who specialises in helping in these circumstances.
One book that helped me is called "Women who think too much". It explains that how you think is what you feel. The way your wife thinks is what makes her feel this way and so it becomes fact to her. Imagine how she would feel about herself if she became more the family angel - helping everyone keep the kids happy instead of seeing herself as the main focus.
You can ask her exactly what upsets her. Conclude the things you can tweak and tell her what that is. If she asks too much you will have to explain. Nobody can undo a history and children and who would want to.
It is because you found she made you happiest that you picked her but she also needs to recognise what you need to be happy and that is not just having her. You need her support.
I get really angry that my new parents in law take my partners ex out for dinner and send her birthday cards. But that is because she took all his money during the divorce and left him nothing. There is no similar betrayal here that I can see. She needs to settle down and be calm and see that whatever she fears is there because she imagines it so. Nothing damages relationships more than holding on to hard false ideals and driving the other person into a needlessly difficult and painful relationship with their kids.
You can encourage your family to back away from the old relationship and make yours the prime one, perhaps that would help. It would be appropriate. No-one is saying to cut her off, but a bit less intimacy may help. You can do so much but most of this is up to her with your encouragement.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 I'm guessing that you were married to your ex around 20 years. So in my opinion it's rather unrealistic to expect your family and your ex to stop socializing with each other. That's a long history between them. I think you will just have to suck this up and let your wife know that that's what she has to do as well. She needs to lighten up, she knew what she was getting into.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 I had understood that. It does not modify my opinion.
When she met you , your new wife knew that you come with a past in which you have formed bonds and ties that now are have been loosened but will never just be canceled - e.g.,your two kids.
Her demands of "owning " completely your time, your thoughts, your present and your future, without having to "share " it ever with anybody, are, by your own admission, irrational. She is just your wife, not your owner. I don't see why you are so concerned about appeasing her irrational whims , as if she were a temperamental toddler, rather than helping her establishing a mature, healthy relationship with you .
In general it's the ex wife that unduly interferes in the life of the new formed couple- this time it seems to be the opposite.
Your ex wife has a new relationship, she does not chase after you, she does not try to get back with you- or to get back AT you.
She is simply living her life ,which includes keeping in touch with people she likes and who like her back. That she met these people because of you is not relevant. Precisely because you don't "own " these people.
She does not seem to be meddling in your life more than
necessary, so why do you want to meddle in hers ?
Let me add, being the old cynical I am, that I understand how now your new wife's " Mine ! Mine ! You are only mine !" attitude may be really flattering to you and make you feel specially valued, .... but I would not bet you'll feel the same in 5 years, you may start developing claustrophobia. If you can't change your second wife's clinginess, at least I would not encourage it...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): I am much younger (22) but i have been with my husband for 6 years. We are having a hard time and I can tell you his family is one thing that keeps me where I am. I love his family as they are mine, I pretty much grew up with them. His little sister has never known life without me there with all of them. If we were to ever break up I know for a fact I would stay in touch with them all. I may dislike my husband but i still love his family. The fact that you are not in the country, your wife may not have many other people and she is sticking to what is familiar. She loves your family and they love her so let them spend time together. Its not like you and your new GF are going to these family events and your ex is there. If that were the case this would be different.
As for your new girl, she sounds a bit selfish. no one can be the only person in your life, you have to "share" people. Especially if she is getting jealous over your grown children... its not like those kids are young and needing your constant attention. she needs to grow up and realize that she is not your whole world. Maybe it is a phase in your relationship but she does need to snap out of it eventually. Watch out for that.
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A
male
reader, OLuckyMan +, writes (16 November 2010):
OLuckyMan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, a clarification: the term "used goods" is MY term, not my wife's. I guess I'm looking at myself in the worst possible light by using (though jokingly) this term. My wife's issue is with "sharing" me in the present and in the future, not with the fact that I have a past. We all have a past...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 November 2010):
And why should she ? Do you really think she should give up to something she cares about just because your new wife ( to whom she has no obligations )is controlling,possessive and insecure ?
Your ex still feels welcome to visit your family, and your family obviously welcomes her. She is fine with sporadically socializing with them, your parents and relatives are fine too, and apparently your ex's new partner is cool with it too. Nobody has a problem with these occasional interactions, that most of the times happen in your absence. You are the only one who has a problem with that ....and you want everybody to change their plans and habits because "it's annoying " to you. It does not make much sense.
If you want to bring about changes, why don't you start instead working on your second wife and her unreasonable demands. Tell her that if she has such hang ups about "used goods "- then she should have shopped only for brand new, just-out-the-factory items !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Ok - so you have two problems wrapped into one here. The new wife, who wants to pretend you never had a life before her.... and the ex wife who is still involved with your family. It is understandable that your ex wife feels close to your family - particularly if she is not close to her own. It would be very difficult to cut off that contact and remember she is still the mother of your children - which grandparents, aunties and uncles all share in that. Personally I think it is a good thing that she does this - as long as its not all the time. If the frequency is getting out of hand you need to take the matter up with your ex - do not create a problem for your parents about it. I think they are maintaining a connection with her for their own sense of family - because you are overseas. This is just my opinion of course but I think your new wife has a pretty good deal. I mean your ex-wife is not overly jealous, coming around every week to pester you about the kids and you are keeping contact to a minimum and trying to juggle the demands of family life from afar. My biggest concern is that you describe yourself (or are those your new wifes words) as 'used goods'. Honestly!!! She knew exactly who you were when she met you and 'sharing' you is exactly what happens when you have children - you are not a possession - she is starting to try and control you with her own insecurities. What is at the root of her resentment??? Is it that you and her have no family / children together? My starting point would be to tackle things with your new wife - get to the bottom of it. She is making trouble for you and uncesarily so. Once that issue is clear the other pressures may not seem so heavy. In other words.... are these problems your new wife's or yours?
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