A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, Can anyone please give me some advice on how to deal with bringing up my 2 year old daughter with my ex partner who is now an evangelist born again Christian.Before we split up I was with him for years and he hated all forms of religion and was drinking very heavily. I had supported him for years in trying to help him lead a healthier lifestyle.His parents are strong believers and whilst he was out of control and drinking for 10 days he found God through their prayers. Fabulous I thought, how wrong was I. Next came his bible studies and Sunday church and ministry and people turning up with their bibles and then came his ultimatum that we couldn't live together anymore, or be intimate and if I didn't marry him we had to split up as God only blesses those who are married. I couldn't say 'yes' straight away as I no longer knew him. Then came the Christian music on the radio and the TV license was cancelled. I felt suffocated by his bible quotes and in the end we split up.That was 5 months ago. He is now engaged to a born again Christian (engaged after knowing each other for 3 weeks) and they are due to get married next month. I am not religious, I'm a fun loving, happy and well balanced person who has a live and let live attitude. The truth is, I don't know if he does or does not exist and it ends there. It frightens me how his extreme religion will affect our child. She goes to church with him every second weekend and will be sharing their new marital home when they get married and she stays.I don't want God shoved down her throat. He reads the bible to her at night, there's no lullabies or nursery rhymes and he's just asked to have us this Xmas Eve so that she is surrounded only by the truth and not fed lies on Santa Claus.How am I ever going to peacefully raise my beautiful child with this complete stranger he has now become ?It scares me.For someone who calls himself a Christian, he seems cold and he looks down on me. He says he won't risk our daughters salvation. Any advice would be lovely.Many thanks.
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male
reader, PuffinMuffin +, writes (30 August 2016):
If things are getting a bit God-heavy, and you need help with refuting any arguments he might make, I can recommend a forum for atheists. It is a place where all sorts of God-related issues are discussed at length.
They are a friendly bunch. I myself have posted there.
http://talkfreethought.org/forum.php
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 March 2016):
 This is going to be very difficult.
He's always been very religious, only he took a break from it and that was when he met you. Now he's paying for his past sins. He will think he has to make up for all the bad stuff and will zealously work for that.
He sounds like a person who won't compromise.
It's not clear who your daughter lives with. If she lives with you, well, your girl will be preached on every time he sees her. If she lives with him, you will see her only when he wants to, because you're evil and he'll be saving her (he thinks).
This isn't going to be easy and it is going to last for a very long time, maybe until your daughter makes up her mind and either becomes as religious as he or as "sinful" as you.
Make sure you get your legal stuff in order. That may be all you will have.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (10 March 2016):
Don't worry about it. You as her mother can try to introduce her to a healthy dose of skepticism to counteract the indoctrination.
It is true that religion can be damaging. I myself was raised in a very strict southern Baptist household and it definitely traumatized me, mostly because I never really believed any of it, but was terrified of hell because that's what all the trusted adults in my life told me would happen if I didn't believe. It wasn't my fault - I'm just not wired that way. I literally CAN'T believe.
Anyway, just be there for her and provide an alternate viewpoint. Encourage her to think for herself.
People raised very religious can turn out non religious (living proof), and people raised in atheist households can find god and become religious after they grow up. She will make her own choices. Just be there for her and be supportive. There's plenty of time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 March 2016):
 I think the BEST thing you can do it find a mediator and have a meeting with your ex.
USE that meeting to set rules and boundaries for your child's upbringing.
I think your husband is like anyone who has ever been addicted and finally beat it, they CLING to what they think "fixed" them, in his case religion. If you have EVER met an ex-smoker they can be rather preachy and angsty, but they DO mellow out over time realizing that people NEED to find their own way. Cramming their notions and "helpful" suggestions down everyone's throat doesn't help.
I think he will mellow a little in his religious fervor.
But I still think that you two need to have some CLEAR rules for such things as punishment and general rules, schedules etc.
I would be VERY unhappy if I had found myself in your position. While I am fairly pragmatic, I am not a fan of overzealous religious groups. And it's not something I'd want pushed on my child either. EVER.
But I do think a 2 year old can adapt to the 2 different situations AS LONG AS you two can agree on a set of rules. And as long as you DO NOT work against each other. Or use your CHILD against each other.
I went to church as a kid (mostly for the holidays) because it is tradition in my family. My great grandfather was a minister and a missionary, I have a cousin who is a priest as well. So while overall my family has not been OVERLY religious, it's always been a part of our upbringing. The bible was read after dinner for Easter and Christmas. We kids were encouraged to read the bible, read about religion and find what path suited us. The bible WAS read at bed time, so was H.C Andersen's fairy-tales, Brother's Grim, 1001 Arabian nights (kids version) Chinese fables etc. A nice mix of everything.
BEING read to as a child CAN (I firmly believe this) encourage reading later on. It's not so much WHAT is read, but the notion that stories live in books, it's a good thing. Now if he wants to read Old Testament to her, I do think it's a BIT over the top for a two year old. So maybe look into some Children's bible stories? Some that you can OK yourself? Noah's ark was one of my favorites as a child - not for the moral story but ALL those animals!
As for the whole Santa thing... I'm on the fence. I grew up not regarding Santa as a "real" person, that the presents came from whomever was on the tags, not Santa. We put out ricepudding for nisserne (Danish gnomes) but again we knew fairly early on that it was a tradition, NOT the truth. I have done the same with my kids. They knew that Santa wasn't a "real" person, but a tradition. And I don't think that is a cruel way to raise kids.
You ex found god and replaced his drinking with religion. Which, I have to say... over all is a better choice.
Your child has 2 parents. IT IS up to you TWO to sit down and come up with a common parenting plan. IT can not be ALL his way or ALL your way. You two will have to find a compromise that is the BEST solution for your child, not you.
My neighbor has a 12 year old daughter, her ex husband remarried a couple of years ago to a VERY religious woman and all of a sudden this (then 10 year old) had to try and adapt to new set of rules. And well, now the dad has divorced the lady and is seeing someone new who is into New Age stuff... Yet this 12 year old seems pretty good at adapting, but also to figure out what she will "take in" and what she won't. You daughter will too when she gets older.
So TRY not to focus on the bad. FIND a mediator and WORK with your ex for the benefit of YOUR daughter.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2016): The road to hell is paved by good intentions. I am sure that your husband means well, but his history and his behavior paint a worrisome picture.You have to keep a close eye at your daughter and whit lots of love, care and understanding give her another view of the world. Never, NEVER be critical of his choices/stories/beliefs, just offer your positive attitudes and facts. Make sure that she spent more time with you, your family and friends that are not obsessed with religion. She will then find a way to place somewhere her father's beliefs.Trouble with people obsessed with religion is that they have the ultimate argument - God. And for kids that is especially dangerous because for them magic, fairy tales and god can be real. How can you win if you criticize your father who respects God? SO don't even go there. Don't play that game. Put the Bible reading where it belongs at her age - storytelling before bed.Spirituality is good but what you describe is close to sect behavior. If I were you I'd also seek advice in advance, contact lawyers and associations that deal with this kind of thing. Okay, now there really isn't anything wrong on the eyes of the law, but down the road, who knows.Just be prepared and whatever you do stay positive. Encourage positive behavior and do not encourage negative.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2016): It appears this negativity is directed towards your ex more than anything. You are just using the "fear" of your daughter becoming a devout Christian an excuse to attack your ex.1. You should be happy for your ex that he was able to rid his drinking habits. Who cares how he did it. Luckily it's just turning into a Christian! What if he turned to drugs instead?? Be happy for him to have chosen to pick up the Bible vs picking up weed! You make going to church abd reading the Bible such horrible things! 2. Your daughter is going to church, not some cult!! Besides, at this age, she won't know the difference! All she will know is daddy is bringing her to play with many friends her age! As she grows older, it will be HER CHOICE whether she wants to be a Christian or not, no one will be able to force her. Besides, I believe that knowing that there is a God (regardless of the religion), and having a belief only helps in a person's growth, there really is no harm to it. Once again, there is especially no harm to her at this age or even the next 5 years down the road.I think you must have some anger or resentment or even fear inside that you just need to let go of. Your ex and your daughter are fine.. they really are.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 March 2016):
 I have to say first that most Christians are good and kind hearted. Some sects are quite fanatic such as they don't believe in receiving medical care, believing God will take care of them. In reality, many people died unnecessarily before medical intervention could have saved them.
Also, some Christians get so nutty that they believe in punishing children, as in the bible phrase "spare the rod, spoil the child." They feel that children should be controlled and punished in order to cleanse them of sin.
Let's just hope that your ex is not like this. If there's signs of abuse of course you have to take action and let the court know so you can take sole custody of her.
Your daughter will grow up feeling torn, and not knowing where her loyalty should go to. No matter how irrational parents become, children's love towards them are unconditional, which is quite opposite of what your ex feels, and his all condemning God. Since your ex is adamant and can't change, while you feel your child should be free to choose her own religion, it is important to let her know that you love her no matter what. If she wants to be a Christian, she can, it does not mean she loves you less. You just want her to be happy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2016): She's only two. She has no understanding of the concept of religion or God. At her age,she neither cares nor knows much of anything more than cartoons, her toys, and being loved by her parents.
Your ex went through a long period of darkness and he's over-compensating for all the pain and suffering he has caused. He lost a lot of trust and pushed away everyone who has ever loved him. Yourself included. He has now become fanatical about what he believes has saved him from himself. Faith. He is also trying to win his parents back, and I'm pretty sure they are putting a lot of pressure on him to prove himself worthy.
Evangelicals eat, sleep, and breath religion. So, their approach isn't always easy to adjust to for outsiders. In most cases, you're not accepted unless you convert. They're taught they must bring others into the flock, and their persistence...well, it can be somewhat annoying and a bit holier than thou. They must spread the word. Some don't want to hear it.
Don't confuse your discomfort with it, by converting it into some form of fear of any harm coming to your child through it. She is no where near an age where any of this makes much sense to her.
He will mellow out; most people who have newly found religion tend to go overboard.
It's more about the practice of religion than it really is about God. They often try too hard to up one another, by showing how totally devout and pious they can be.
Most of this will become hard to keep-up at some point. Trust me on this. A lot of it is for public display, and trying to keep up such a facade becomes very taxing.
Being a Christian is very difficult. It gets complicated when people shove it down everyone's throat. If you don't act as they do, you don't care about God. Well, sometimes you have to put your foot down, and ask them to cool it. Aside from religion, everyone forms their own spiritual relationship with God in their own way. God has provided a book of rules. There will be many interpretations of those rules; which is what makes it more difficult than it is. Being read Bible stories at night is how I grew up; and it has not harmed me, or my siblings, in any way.
I urge you to be tolerant and patient. He has come out on the other-side of the worst period of his life. He is doing his best to regain credibility and acceptance. The church has offered him that, and he feels he must spread what he knows and feels. It could be worse, he could still be a total miserable obnoxious drunk.
Your little girl will not be harmed by any of this, and you shouldn't pretend that's your concern. You simply feel uncomfortable around him, and intimidated by his sudden "holiness." You feel he's judging you and your lifestyle.
This extremism usually plateaus. It's hard behaving like you're at God's right-hand. God has a way of humbling us. No one is holier than He is.
Be straightforward about your feelings and let him know that sometimes he's too much for you. He has no right to force anything on you, or your child. If he's a true Christian; he knows that love is the most important message to convey to all those around him. Not just thumping a Bible, and telling everyone else how sinful and incorrect they are.
Many these days are claiming some sort religious oppression when others reject their form of worship; or they get too carried away with judging others and get pushback. The true grace of God shows in a very special way through those of real faith. When it comes on too strong, in most cases it is more human nature than Divine influence.
When you've had too much of him, tell him straight to his face. He needs to hear it. Just don't do it from a nasty place. He's trying his best to be good, and he wants very badly to change. He feels a real connection with God.
Who may in fact, have had a profound influence in his recovery from alcoholism and painful things he has experienced in his life. Only, the influences of people who tell him he should behave a certain way; may sometimes override what truly is a very good thing.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 March 2016):
 This really is a tough one. Something that I think your child should not be brought in to. But am not sure if talking to your ex will do you any good, as it seems he has become extremely religious and will not listen.
In my opinion your child should be brought up to know right from wrong, she should be taught manners and respect and above all she should have loving and devoted parents. When it comes to religion well everyone has there own ideas about how to bring up there child.
Now I have saw many families with parents who are off two religions, and the thing they done was not to preach to their children and allow them to choose when they are adults if they want to follow a religion.
I think you and him need to sit down and come up with a plan, you both need to meet in the middle. To me telling a child Santa does not exist is cruel, especially in the UK where most children believe he is real. You need to sit down as adults and try and compromise. Good luck is all I can say to you.
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